Recap: Monday Night RAW is Riv (July 14th, 2014)

It’s Monday. You know what that means:  it’s time for RAW – 3 hours of wrestling that you probably watch not because you truly enjoy it but because you’ve been conditioned through force of habit over the years to do so and can’t stop.  They need to make a “quit watching wrestling” patch you can wear like smokers do so I can find something better to do with three hours of my time.  I could be watching The Strain since I missed it last night, you know.

Anyway, this is RAW, I’m Riv, and if you want to help me keep doing this thing I do (I don’t get paid for this gig) throw me a buck or two on PayPal at JasonRivera@gmail.com – mainly because if I go completely broke, RAW is Riv goes bye-bye, as does the Asked internet radio show, and my general online existence.  All tips are cheerfully accepted.  It’s sort of like buying a hooker on Craigslist, only I have less hair on my ass and don’t have HIV.

WARNING: Objects are drunker than they may appear.

WARNING: Objects are drunker than they may appear.

We have been told via the most important news site on the earth, Twitter, that Ric Flair is coming back tonight.  WWE have also used a picture of Flair which shows him with a full head of rich hair, and less rubberized skin.  It’s sort of like McDonalds showing you a really nice looking Big Mac, then you get some squashed piece of crap that has flies buzzing around it.  World Wrestling Entertainment lie to us.  Ric Flair didn’t walk into the building tonight; he was summoned by the use of a Level 67 Necromancer which Triple H keeps under employ as an independent contractor.  This same necromancer is the guy keeping Sgt. Slaughter walking the earth.  Anyway, Flair is here and earlier in the week Sting tweeted “7.14.14” which makes every imbecile on the planet believe Sting is coming back tonight.

Why would you WANT that? To watch an old man wrestle in an over-sized t-shirt and embarrass himself?  I don’t mind Sting as an authority figure or a personality but I’d rather see Sting the musician wrestle than Sting the wrestler.  And that’s pretty sad.  Also I want you all to know TNA’s Ethan Carter III beat Sting. Twice.  The more likely answer is Sting will be playable in the next WWE videogame and we are getting that announcement tonight.  This way, you too, can beat Sting.

Despite the fact this woman looks a mess on the last few minutes of NCIS I’d slip my man-meat in between her butt cheeks.  That is all.

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Oh, yay, The Authority is back.  By "yay" I mean "yawn," obviously.  Raise your hand if you’re a nerd that blew a load to this immobile, fully-clothed, probably heavily-photoshopped picture of Stephanie and used the bottle of Jergens to cover the side of the screen that had Hunter on it.  Oh, only I do that? That’s… awkward.  Shit.

Michael Cole welcomes us to Monday Night RAW. Then Monday Night RAW tells anyone over the age of 6 to “stop watching” by sending JOHN out here.  Why do you welcome us and then punish us?  That’s like inviting someone to your house and then kicking them in the dick the minute they walk through the door.  You’re an asshole, Michael Cole.  We are reminded we are on the way to WWE Battleground and a Fatal 4 Way where John Cena will defend against Kane, Randy Orton and Roman Reigns. 

Also the 2/3rds Shield and Cena will take on the 1/3rds Shield, Randy Orton, and his pet gimp boyfriend Kane.  John Cena gets his typical mixed reaction while he tells us that “the champ is here.”  Cena immediately tries to get us to go buy the WWE Network.  Thanks, WWE, I’m sure this is the first of MANY WWE Network shills due to the fact that although it is wonderful for the die-hard fan, it has been a business disaster.  Dish and DirecTV are laughing at you, WWE. John Cena tells us how a Fatal Four Way works and is interrupted by Roman Reigns.

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ROMEO, ECHO, INDIA, GOLF, NOVEMBER, SIERRA. Reigns.  John Cena starts his mutual respect nonsense and typical drivel but Reigns wants Cena to get to the point and Cena’s point is that the two should get Orton and Kane out of the way then have a showdown to see if Roman Reigns is as good as he thinks he is.  Reigns questions if Cena is as good as Cena believes he is.  The two are arguing when Ambrose appears on the Titantron.

Well we know who inherited the Shield video-camera in the divorce.  Ambrose tries to be the voice of reason and refers to Seth Rollins as a bag boy.  Ambrose says his plan is “screw the Authority” and that happens when Cena and Reigns stop arguing.  Unfortunately for Ambrose, Seth Rollins shows up with Kane and Orton and a 3 on 1 attack begins in the backstage area.  For Seth Rollins to cash in Money In the Bank he basically has to murder Ambrose before Ambrose murders him every night seeing as Ambrose has vowed to interfere in every cash-in ever until the briefcase expires.  Dean Ambrose is subject to a mugging and a million fan-girls cry and cut themselves in unison.  After the beat-down, Ambrose defiantly asks if this is all they’ve got only to get curbstomped by Seth Rollins. 

RIP Dean Ambrose, who I’m not sure if he got beat up, or simply had a few drinks with Flair.  I mean Flair has drank so much in his career I’m pretty sure just being within 10 feet of Flair is the equivalent of doing a shot of vodka every minute until you’re clear of the danger zone.  Also, Roman Reigns and John Cena are kind of dicks for standing around during a five minute beating without going back there to help their tag partner for the night.

We get hit with a WWE Network commercial.  Ugh.  We come back and Michael Cole tells us Ambrose has been taken to the dreaded “local medical facility.”  Local Medical Facility is code for “will be back in the building by the end of the night.”  We follow this up with Sheamus.

Sheamus vs. The Miz is next.  Are you excited?  This is how excited *I* am for that match:

Miz mentions the Network by the way.  That’s 3 NETWORK shills in 15 minutes. If you took a shot for every time someone does that tonight, you’d be dead.  Hey, here’s an idea, WWE, instead of shilling for the Network, just make the product better and the network buys will come with it.  Logical, right? 

The Miz decides we should look at his face on the Titantron during all of his matches.  I’d rather they put the Miz’s Dad on there.  The Miz’s Dad is way more over than the Miz.  I’d actually want to see the Miz’s Dad beat Sheamus and become the United States Champion.  That guy is cool.  The Miz calls his face the money maker.  Apparently he hasn’t tried to sell his wife’s vagina yet.  The real money maker would be the amount of people who would pay good money to be balls deep in Maryse.  I’d sing her entrance music while I came, actually.  In fact rather than watch the Miz vs. Sheamus, which is awful by the way, I’m going to watch Miz’s Wife’s Titantron and try not to rub my balls.

Couldn’t do it.  I was grabbing the potatoes by 0:27.

I minimize my window back to RAW and this match is still going on.  Now I feel creeped out because it feels like the Miz is watching me masturbate… to his wife.  Somehow I bet that wouldn’t be the first time he’s actually witnessed another man fap to his woman.  If that match had a result, I didn’t find out what it was because PORQUOI was playing at full volume.

Randy Orton is arguing with Kane.  How does a guy get so much mic time while having all the charisma of a man who is in a persistent vegetative state?  Orton puts me to sleep any time he speaks.  You can’t listen to an Orton promo and operate heavy machinery.  Bad shit will happen.  HHH comes out here and tells Orton and Kane to get along.

Boring segments get Stephanie McMahon turned on, which is why there are so many of them.

A jobber appears.  Hi, jobber. Oh, and we get another WWE Network shill.  Jerry Lawler flat out BEGS us to subscribe to the Network.

Fandango is Dolph Ziggler’s opponent and now he is minute a woman to “get weird’ with because Layla and Summer Rae BOTH ditched Fandango for each other turning into Poor Man’s Lay-Cool… or a Rich Man’s BFFs from NXT, if you actually watch NXT.  I’m disappointed Fandango hasn’t tried to turn this into a threesome.  I am sure Ziggler actually will get a win here when the ladies involve themselves in this match-up. 

Sluts!  As predicted, Fandango is distracted and loses the match after getting hit with the Fame-Asser. 

That's the first REAL upgrade he's had from Vickie Guerrero. 

That's the first REAL upgrade he's had from Vickie Guerrero. 

After the match, the two women rub all over Dolph Ziggler and Fandango looks on depressed.  I guess SOMEBODY is getting the threesome tonight but it’s not Fandango.

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Damien Sandow is now a Sonic employee.  That’s legitimately where he will be working once he has been fired.  He and Adam Rose are selling us food.  This is so sad.  This is the best anyone can figure out what to do with either of these guys.  They begin fighting over the food.

Hey remember when the Usos were interesting?  Me either.  Here’s more Harper and Rowan beating them up.  This tag team feud has no real… zing to it, mainly because Harper and Rowan aren’t speaking without Bray, and the Usos just shout random ebonics during their promos. 

That’s a more accurate photo of Flair.  It’s also way too easy to photoshop dicks in his mouth in that photo.  I wonder if WWE’s graphic design team does shit like this accidentally or on purpose.

How sad is it that Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter in a debate against Rusev and Lana actually sounds like the best segment of the night thus far?  I guess that’s not saying much when I just had to watch a guy on the roster get reduced to begging us to buy Sonic and when every other segment has been a big commercial for PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO THE NETWORK – Hey, WWE, don’t you think maybe not having the Network available in the UK, Australia, etc. part of the problem? 

Nothing will ever beat the time Scott Steiner wore his stupid chain mail hat in a debate segment. Nothing.

Nothing will ever beat the time Scott Steiner wore his stupid chain mail hat in a debate segment. Nothing.

Lana and Rusev’s part of this debate summed up: BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN.  BLADDY MEER POO TEEN. 

That’s Lanaese for “Vladimir Putin.”  Lana tells us America is violent and stupid and as the crowd boos her begins yelling at “America” to SHUT UP AMERICA, SHUT UP.  She adds that America is stupid because after we gained independence from England, we got into a Civil War and fought each other.  She says Russia is a “peaceful and loving country” and she wants Zeb and Swagger to admit their mistakes.  Zeb Colter refuses to apologize for the USA.  He says that he laid face down in a jungle in the mud in the mire with bullets flying over his head and he didn’t do it for two peg-legs to come back here and badmouth our country.  He said he took a vow to protect the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic, which they both are and he will not apologize.  Zeb says his answer is not “no” but “HELL NO.”  I love Zeb.  This guy is an amazing character.  The crowd is eating this up and I’m enjoying Colter and Swagger’s face turn.  Lana says that Zeb Colter’s arrogance is why the USA is crumbling. 

HERE COMES PUTIN.JPG.  Lana says he can solve all our problems.  Zeb responds by saying that Putin is an ugly man.  He then responds with OBAMA.JPG.

I laugh as Zeb Colter says “whether we like him or not,” as to cover his ass since he’s not a Democrat.  He says that whether we like him or not we respect the office of the president.  Colter then wants to ask Rusev a question and asks when Rusev is going to step out behind this woman, be a man and fight Jack Swagger.  Rusev responds with some English for once and says THIS IS WAR.  The match is on for Battleground.  Lana and Rusev walk away and Zeb says that now he realizes who wears the pants in this group.  Then he says he wants Lana to listen to three words before she leaves.  WE. THE PEOPLE.  Lana returns to slap Zeb, and Swagger tackles Rusev.  While the confusion is going Rusev manages to toss Swagger into one of the podiums and crush him in the corner.  Rusev goes for a side-kick and Swagger catches and locks in the Patriot Lock.  Rusev is screaming and rushes to a retreat.  The crowd goes crazy for this.  Swagger is working it as a face and I dig it.  Of course I like Swagger as a heel as well.  This is the right spot for him, though, and even though he probably won’t do it, I honestly hope he’s the guy who gives Rusev a first pinfall/submission loss.

John Cena argues with Roman Reigns about getting the job done in their now-two-on-three match.  Reigns’ priorities are not in question, says Reigns.  I kind of wish at this point they’d all just kill Cena like when Murphy dies in the first Robocop movie.

More like Flo-WHY-da?

More like Flo-WHY-da?

Flo Rida will be on RAW next week – who the hell is it who has such a fascination with this guy that WWE has used him for ridiculously overwhelming amount of PPV songs.  He’s like WWE’s flavor-of-the-era favorite musician like how WWE had a fascination with Limp Bizkit once.  I facepalm and continue about my day.  I know I’m old because I think most “popular” music sucks a bag of herpes infected dicks.

It’s that time of the show where we remind you Alberto Del Rio still exists.  It’s also that time of the show where he has a pointless match with Rob Van Dam which is pretty much all these guys do anymore.

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Here is Del Rio trying to have anal sex with a table while groping the Intercontinental Title.  He's one match nobody cares about away from trying to have sex with a bowl of Jell-O.  Speaking of people who probably feel like a bowl of Jell-O between their legs...

Here is Nikki Bella to do nothing.  The story is that the WWE is punishing Nikki Bella for Brie quitting on them (storyline wise) which is hilarious because WWE has a history of firing the siblings that stay in their company after one leaves.  Stephanie comes out here and since she’s done tormenting Vickie Guerrero, who left the company, she’s focused on ruining Nikki’s life. 

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Wow, Naomi became skinny and light-skinned!  Oh wait, that’s Alicia Fox.  Alicia and Cameron are now a heel team and fighting Nikki Bella.  I’m sure Naomi will make a save.  I just realized that 3 black chicks (5 if you count Eden Stiles and Sasha Banks) is a high number for the WWE.  Naomi doesn’t even come out to make the save and lets Nikki Bella die.  That was pointless.

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Sting is announced as playable in WWE 2K15.  In other words the only way you’re going to see Sting in the WWE as a competitor is in a fake computer generated world.  I respect that.  I legitimately respect that Sting is the only major player never to actually work for Vince in the ring.  It’s another reason I never want him to wrestle here.

THIS WEEK ON "My Gay Dicknose Dad..."

THIS WEEK ON "My Gay Dicknose Dad..."

Randy Orton tattles on Kane for not being a team player, and HHH says that Orton winning the belt is the plan and Kane will stick to the plan.

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Goldust and Stardust.  I don’t know why the hell this amuses me as much as it does – but it’s odd as shit.  I wish this was a more extreme era which involved things like these guys urinating on people, and raping farm animals and things of that nature.  Cody Rhodes makes a great creep though and I enjoy this.


Cesaro is out here alone meaning someone finally gassed Paul Heyman, probably one of those 3 remaining Nazis who is like 96 years old and trying to evade being tried for war crimes.  I want to point out that the whole "Paul Heyman just vanishes from storylines" crap is annoying considering that the same thing happened to Rybaxel and they are now relegated to wearing stupid red hats while losing to two homosexual gold mime-looking guys every week.  

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Big E. and Kofi Kingston are out here and only tagging because they are both black.  I also find myself not caring about either, which is a shame as Big E started off amazing and he is now dead in the water.  Kofi has been dead in the water for years – he’s been in the water for so long he might as well be given a Captain Philips Somalian Pirate gimmick. Cesaro vs. Big E is a slow-paced match and the lack of Paul Heyman is just awkward, not shocking – and I am sure that if Heyman was legitimately fired or quit nobody would talk about it so this is probably just another one of their “in mockery of CM Punk being a bitch” jokes.  Cesaro begins launching chairs at Kofi for no reason which causes Kofi to distract Cesaro, Cesaro to get hit with the Big Ending and the winner is “3 Ain’t Enough I Need Affirmative Action.”

Chris Jericho is feuding with Bray Wyatt but it feels the feud is missing something. Maybe Ralphus needs to come back and turn heel, joining the Wyatts; I don’t know.  Jericho cuts a solid promo about all his accomplishments and what he has seen.

Bray Wyatt counters and seems to center his feud on the fact Jericho abandoned us when we needed him and wasn’t here to save us.

And in typical fashion Bray’s strange cryptic riddles are met with Harper and Rowan appearing in the ring and manhandling Chris Jericho who manages to evade them.  Sadly this can only lead to a predictable Jericho/Usos vs. Wyatt Family 6 man.  Jericho isn’t watching his back as he goes up the ramp which means Bray Wyatt rushing him from behind is inevitable (and predictable). 

The only thing that really bothers me about Bray Wyatt is having to see an obese person in white ice cream man pants. 

Paige is doing guest commentary and sitting down so that Jerry Lawler can’t attempt to tongue her ass hole.  AJ Lee is taking on Eva Marie.  Is it me or has AJ Lee gotten skinnier?  It’s actually somewhat tough to look at. She’s looking like an Ethiopian lately.  We’re reminded AJ Lee won the title back from Paige with a weird random impromptu face turn, and Paige is playing the “I sincerely respect you and want to be your friend” BS (which almost always ends in a heel turn).  The two will fight at Battleground. 

The worst thing about all of this is we have to endure CM PUNK chants during AJ’s matches now which is highly annoying.  This is because CM Punk cums in her mouth on a regular basis.  I feel like CM Punk removed AJ’s ass and put it in his fridge where he keeps WWE Championship belts. 

For someone who isn’t well liked Eva doesn’t even catch heel heat.  The only thing this bitch catches is crabs.  I find myself bored of this quickly.  And I used to adore AJ but CM Punk ruins everything.  I bet her vagina smells like The Walking Dead and Hockey now.  AJ makes Eva tap in this brief match and Paige says she beat AJ once and will do it again. 

I admit this segment where AJ Lee steals JBL’s headset and has a conversation while sitting on the commentary booth is somewhat adorable. 

Stephanie McMahon asks HHH’s permission to Cuckold Fantasy Flo Rida when Kane walks in and says the Authority should not place their faith behind Randy Orton.  HHH tells Kane to do what he has to do, just get it done, but he in no way tells Kane that his job is to secure a victory for Orton. 

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It is time now, TO BOLIEVE. This is inspirational.  Bo Dallas tells us he defeated El Torito, the biggest little man in WWE (does this confirm Rey Mysterio and El Torito are the same guy)?  Bo Dallas says he hopes his opponent tonight has a heart as big as El Torito and is sadly met with The Great Khali.  Bo Dallas almost gets destroyed by Great Khali and calls him a “bad giant” but manages to hit the Bo-Dog on Khali outside the ring, allowing Bo to win via count-out. 

After the match Bo tells his big buddy the Great Khali that he might have lost tonight but—then the Great Khali chops Bo in the head. That is a horrible way to treat such an inspirational person.  This man is just trying to help us. 

To make matters worse someone leaks what appears to be Bo Dallas, or at least a woman who looks exactly like him and is naked. 

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How come these are the only nudes I get to look at?  Life isn't fair.  Maybe I'm BO-LIEVING too much if this is what I get from it.  I hate my life.  I really do.  And I hate you all. So, so much.

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Now it’s Seth Rollins’ turn to metaphorically suck the dick of HHH.  He says that if Orton and Kane cannot get the job done he will. 


Heyman, who we were told might be fired/have quit then shows up and says that he likes HHH and Stephanie’s plan B and he hopes it works out for them but he has a guaranteed “plan C” teasing the idea that Heyman is bringing back Brock Lesnar to fight John Cena at Summerslam (promotional photos have already leaked to show this is what is happening).  Meanwhile, Ric Flair is on the way to the ring. 

Ric Flair is being interviewed about who he thinks will win the Fatal Four Way match.  I don’t see why this is important.  This is just Flair making a bunch of innuendos at Renee Young, which is what 99% of the nerds on the Internet do these days anyway.  Flair puts his back behnd John Cena, which automatically makes the crowd groan. 

ROMEO, ECHO, INDIA, GOLF, NOVEMBER, SIERRA. Reigns.

Reigns comes out.  I’d laugh my ass off if he superman punched Flair right now.  Instead they shake hands and apparently it’s already time for the main event.  Flair’s appearance had no consequence and less point, then.  What the hell is the purpose of this?  John Cena makes his way out next. 

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I wish that counted as a 17th title reign so that it would take longer for Cena to match/break Ric Flair’s 16 world title record.  Also Flair takes the World Heavyweight Championship back with him which people are assuming means we’ve officially gone from two belts to one.  We’re told Chris Jericho will fight Luke Harper on Smackdown.  Meanwhile, Rollins awaits his tag partners, Orton and Kane.  I'm pretty sure this will be a typical match that has a really big LET'S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS chant, followed by Ambrose rushing down at the end to either even the odds or prevent a Seth Rollins cash-in.  Predictable, but on the same token it's still better than last week's RAW which was a horrible struggle to get through.  Hopefully Battleground is interesting - I really don't think with the whole WWE Network thing that the WWE can afford for things to bore us so bad we give up on the product.  Surprisingly the pay off isn't Ambrose returning but is Cena getting speared accidentally by Reigns and Orton RKOing Kane...

Since Orton is boring as drying paint Reigns gets up and spears Orton so hard that Bob Orton feels it in his anus to close the show.

The crowd is appeased because "hey it's not Cena." So am I and we are out.  P.S. PLEASEBUYTHENETWORKOKTHANKYOU.