Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (June 9, 2014)

I would like to thank PandaCloud AntiVirus for wiping my recap early on and forcing a re-write by forcibly shutting down my computer to update itself.  F—K YOU PANDACLOUD. YOU COULD WARN ME NEXT TIME, YOU KNOW, LIKE EVERY OTHER PROGRAM ON EARTH DOES BEFORE SHUTTING YOUR COMPUTER OFF.

Anyway, look, my recap is back after a few weeks off due to personal problems which if you are following me on social networking or listening to my audio blogs on this site you know I am going through serious illness within my family and so I thank those of you who reached out to me.  But I have recapping to do and I need to get my mind off it for even a moment.  Here we go.

Last week Seth Rollins shocked the world and made a bunch of fangirls (and The Shield Stalker, David WWE God) cry an masturbate at the same time (crysterbate) when he deserted the Shield, and turned on Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns to align himself with Triple H and Randy Orton.  The explanation WWE gave us was “only Seth Rollins knows” which is their way of saying “our creative writing team has no f—king idea how or why they turned him heel.  Regardless it shocked everyone and came out pretty interesting.  What will the fallout be?  We will find out tonight.

I bet they smile every time they look at a picture of a TNA Impact House Show and see how empty it is.

I bet they smile every time they look at a picture of a TNA Impact House Show and see how empty it is.

RAW opens up with the Authority and they are overjoyed tonight.  You’d think Hunter finally impregnated Stephanie McMahon with a male child.  The reason they are overjoyed is they get to be one big “I told you so” tonight, when they present to us Dr. Joseph Maroon, Daniel Bryan’s doctor.

The doctor gives Daniel Bryan's neck a solid B+.

The doctor gives Daniel Bryan's neck a solid B+.

I wonder if Maroon will get death threats the way Rollins did when he turned heel by angry fans when he reveals the damage to Daniel Bryan’s neck has forced him to vacate the championship.  Stephanie McMahon goes on to inform us you cannot expect an A+ recovery from a B+ player and then insults Brie Bella for being stupid enough to quit over nothing since Daniel Bryan was stripped of the title anyway.  HHH and Stephanie then announce that the Money in the Bank match is now for the vacant championships and further brings us depressing moments by informing us Alberto Del Rio and Randy Orton have already qualified for the match.  HHH then says he was right about Bryan just like he was right that he would destroy the Shield.  After showing us Seth Rollins’ Judas impersonation, HHH informs us that the remainder of the Shield will be in action against the Wyatt Family and they can choose a partner to join them.

After making every smark out there depressed, we’re told Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett is next with the winner advancing to the Money in the Bank match.  Sheamus and Wade work well together so this shouldn’t be so bad.  Wade cuts a little BAD NEWS promo before the match about how once he climbs the ladder to the title he is never coming back down.  Well, Wade, you have to come back down off the ladder to actually WIN the match.  I really miss Wade telling us bad news about current events and life to depress everyone.  That isn’t happening enough anymore.  Sheamus vs. Bad News Barrett is pretty much a slugfest like we’d expect.  The intensity is good because it adds to the fact that “to get in this match and win the belt” is important.  Unfortunately despite some pretty amazing work by Barrett, Sheamus is able to Brogue Kick Barrett out of nowhere to advance into the match.  I feel bad that the match feels like it is going to be all established guys.  Hopefully they do a second ladder match with up-and-comers for the briefcase shot.

I bet the Wyatts use bar lighting like this to get laid all the time.

I bet the Wyatts use bar lighting like this to get laid all the time.

Bray Wyatt reminds us that he prophesied the end of the Shield during the Wyatts/Shield feud and that they fell to the perils of man and basically that the Shield is done after tonight, etc. etc.  DEA-.

Lana is out here so everyone can masturbate when she says POO-TIN.  She tells us Obama is weak.  I hope this leads to the ultimate Racist Rusev match where he beats up Obama.  She shows us some photos of PUTIN shirtless and doing martial arts and riding a horse.

This is how I feel after gettin' the pussy.

This is how I feel after gettin' the pussy.

The way Lana puts Putin over, he better be in the Money in the Bank ladder match.  She verbally sucks his dick every week.    Oh yeah, Zangief from Street Fighter II is taking on Zack Ryder tonight.  He’s an honorary black guy now.  That’s a thing.

WWE is taking this time to conveniently hope that none of you watch Smackdown to realize that they tried the cop out of “ONLY SETH ROLLINS KNOWS WHY.”  Marion takes this time to remind me that Smackdown doesn’t count and it’s like Vegas where “what happens there, stays there.”  OH YEAH? THEN EXPLAIN BO DALLAS!!!

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Boring Lawn Gnomes are here.  Apparenlty Rybaxel says stuff on pre-shows and WWE App Interviews and all that nonsense but in my opinion if it doesn’t happen on television it doesn’t count.  Goldust is tagging with R-Truth as he searches for a new partner because Cody Rhodes doesn’t feel he’s the right partner for his brother.  Goldust and R-Truth lose.

Absolute worst photo of Layla ever posted.

Absolute worst photo of Layla ever posted.

Layla has an orgasm while the makeup lady gets her set up and insults Oklahoma, and Summer Rae.  Summer sneaks up on Layla and dumps milk on her, not unlike Johnny Curtis/Fandango once did to himself on Smackdown. 

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Summer has done what every male watching the WWE for years has wanted to do and the entire Miami Heat once did – cover Layla in white stuff.

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3MB come out and want to… do 3MB things.  They insult the Shield and Ambrose and Rollins make their way to the ring and look rather pissed off.  Since the 3MB are jobbers for life, Shield still beats them with a 1 man advantage.  I’m a bit sad Hornswoggle is not with the 3MB because I wanted to see Roman Reigns SUPERMAN PUNCH a midget.

Suit Rollins looks eerily turned on by Roman Reigns.  CUE THE SLASH FANGIRL FANFICS.  Oh wait, there's like 5000 of those already on the Internet.  Sick bitches.

Suit Rollins looks eerily turned on by Roman Reigns.  CUE THE SLASH FANGIRL FANFICS.  Oh wait, there's like 5000 of those already on the Internet.  Sick bitches.

Ambrose and Reigns talk while SUIT ROLLINS looks on from the back.  Ambrose and Reigns call Rollins scum and the lowest form of life for wht he did.

No Damien Sandow is not naked.  And if he IS naked then he is not anatomically correct.

No Damien Sandow is not naked.  And if he IS naked then he is not anatomically correct.

Up next the Usos take on Fandango and Damien Sandow, the Killer Kowalski guys.  Only Sandow is becoming more and more insane and now wearing a leotard.  Okay… Layla is not happy about getting a facial earlier.  She’s not even dancing or scantily clad which is depressing.  The Usos win this match.  Honestly I didn’t really care one way or another. 

Reminds me of Little Mac winning on Punch Out for NES.

Reminds me of Little Mac winning on Punch Out for NES.

It’s time… to BO-LIEVE!  JBL says that Bo Dallas is our generation’s Neil Armstrong.  Bo is here to job out Xavier Woods.  JBL says seeing Bo Dallas is like seeing Da Vinci right before he paints the Mona Lisa.  Bo Dallas recommends that Daniel Bryan BO-LIEVE so that he can ride the road to recovery.  JBL says that he hopes it cheered Daniel Bryan up.  Bo Dallas wins with the Bo-Dog and does a victory lap.

Bo Dallas takes a moment to feel on Xavier Woods' weave.

Bo Dallas takes a moment to feel on Xavier Woods' weave.

YOU DID A GOOD JOB!  GREAT WORK!  ONE DAY YOU’LL BE A CHAMPION OF LIFE!  I love when Bo Dallas inspires his downed opponents.

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It’s JEW TIME.  Heyman reminds us HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERED THE STREAK.  Hitler knew many years ago that a Jewish man would break the streak, so in other words the Holocaust is Paul Heyman’s fault.  Heyman wants to have a celebration party for the end of the streak tonight with his client, the hometown hero Brock Lesnar… but then the man who comes out is Cesaro, not Lesnar – because Heyman wants to troll the crowd.  Cesaro will now take on RVD in a qualifier for the Money in the Bank match.  Cesaro wins, let’s move on, shall we?

Here is Randy Orton, doing nothing and taking a photo that is easily able to be edited.  Someone is going to edit it so his dick is sticking out his shorts before my recap is even over.  The Internet, everyone. I make sure to post this on the Facebook wall of Mach's Fakes, the man who created Finlaydick.  I can only hope horrible things are born from this interaction.

Seth Rollins comes out to his own entrance theme which just sounds like noise to be interviewed by Michael Cole.  Rollins explains he doesn’t understand why there is so much controversy because what he did last week wasn’t a big deal; it was best for business, best for Seth Rollins’ gimmick.  He explains that he created the Shield and he has the right to destroy his own creation.  He says it takes an architect, a brilliant mind to create the Shield, and that Ambrose can’t do it; he’s a lunatic.  And Roman Reigns, the Golden Boy, while you will never see anger or fury like you see in Roman Reigns but without someone to control it he is worthless and both men are nothing without Rollins and they owe Rollins for every bit of success they have achieved. Rollins said he took the Shield to the top and the Shield conquered the world and at Payback they clean-swept Evolution.  Rollins said he learned from Evolution and that to be success in this business you have to evolve, you have to adapt.  Rollins didn’t sell out, he says – he bought into the EVOLUTION of Seth Rollins.

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Rollins says that it took guts to do what he did and sell Ambrose and Reigns in the back.  He says they might have been brothers in the eyes of the two of them but Rollins has only ever seen them as business partners and that relationship needed to be severed.  Rollins says every time he put his fist out and said “believe in the Shield,” he really meant that everyone needs to start believing in Seth Rollins.  He then calls out the Shield since the other two members said they were going to beat the hell out of Rollins once he said what he had to.  As they make their way to the ring, the lights go off and return meaning the Wyatts are here.  Rollins is outside as Harper and Rowan begin brawling but the Wyatts are overcome and the Shield almost get their hands on Rollins until Bray Wyatt enters the fray as well.  John Cena rushes in to make the save.  Pretty much the entire Internet groans in unison since this means that chances are high Cena will be the Shield’s partner tonight, and nobody wants that.

Paige reminds me of BARELY LEGAL porn.  Paige is taking on the now-psychotic Alicia Fox who is out here with Aksana who is her only friend or something.  Alicia reminds me of Dogfart porn.  And Aksana? She reminds me of the Hostel movies.  Paige wins after a miscommunication causes Alicia and Aksana to literally butt heads.  An Alicia Fox tantrum is imminent. 

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After they share an interracial porn moment, Alicia beats the crap out of Aksana for costing her the match.  Alicia then dumps water and popcorn on Aksana and beats on her again.  I want to do the popcorn trick on Alicia Fox.

More Dogfart moments.  This is the most interesting either girl has been in my opinion.

Jack Swagger and Zeb are golden.  Santino is not.  I find the Santino gimmick boring and annoying so I decide to leave. 

NEXT WEEK ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW, CODY RHODES TEACHES DUSTIN RHODES HOW TO SUCK DICK.

NEXT WEEK ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW, CODY RHODES TEACHES DUSTIN RHODES HOW TO SUCK DICK.

I leave because I have personal family problems to deal with as Cody Rhodes says he thinks he has found someone who can live up to the Goldust spotlight and character and he will team with Goldust next week.  In before Cody Rhodes comes back as the 2nd Goldust like being the 2nd Green Goblin in Spider-Man.

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Backstage Vickie wants to celebrate that the Authority has gotten rid of Brad Maddox and Daniel Bryan.  She sneezes on Stephanie who demands Vickie leave before she ends up fired as well.  Back at ringside it’s time for the Shield and Cena vs. the Wyatts.  I feel like there’s not a whole lot of excitement now that we know that the two are teaming with John Cena.  It is of note that Ambrose & Reigns are introduced as “Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns” not as The Shield.

Also we get told Kevin Hart is hosting RAW next week as if he isn’t already annoying and over-exposed.  I hope Kevin Hart ends up like Owen Hart next week.  John Cena teaming up with the NOT Shield is “YAWN.”  At least we got THIS gem.

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This is the “Booty Had Me Like” photo of the week.  Booty had me like YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.  Luke Harper is epic.  I can’t wait for the day he turns into a Suit Man and says he invented the Wyatts, too.  The battling between the Former Shield and the Wyatts is good.  Cena hasn’t been tagged in yet when the “LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS” chant begins and now you understand the McMahon Design.  They have effectively B-plussed the shit out of Ambrose and Reigns without doing anything else to demote them down the ladder.  Cena’s presence just takes away from the whole “Not The Shield Anymore” story arc and places the focus on an ugly bright green shirt and a tired “NEVER GIVE UP” cliché.  I don’t hate Cena, but it’s easy to see why almost anyone with an IQ above 70 is “sick of his shit.”  Reigns ultimately manages to put Harper away with the Spear. 

BELIEVE IN THE TWO GUYS AND JOHN CENA.

BELIEVE IN THE TWO GUYS AND JOHN CENA.

Overall not a terrible show although I felt Cena’s placement in the main event took away more than it added. I’d rather it even have been a 3 on 2 but then that would have probably made the Wyatts look weaker.  Oh well, hopefully we get a payoff that makes sense out of this long-term.