Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (June 23, 2014)

For the record the last few minutes of Modern Family annoy me much, much more than NCIS’s last few minutes.  I think it’s because NCIS at least had a few hot chicks peppered in there and Modern Family just has the gay couple and Al Bundy not being Al Bundy.

Fags.

Fags.

It is time for me to recap RAW again which I often wonder what wrong turn I took in life to get stuck doing – yeah, out of all the bad things in my life, it’s the recapping RAW which I wake up questioning and regretting every week.  If you have an IQ above 70 it’s impossible to be a wrestling fan and not kind of hate yourself for it.  This is the last Monday Night RAW before Money in the Bank so it is kind of important – of course that doesn’t always mean a go-home show is good.  But we can remain hopeful.  Hope is all I have because I’m all out of beer.

The WWE Signature – a lasting reminder that WCW lost.  This is the 1100th episode of RAW and the anniversary of Chris Benoit killing his entire family.  I hope there are at least 3 fragile X references in this recap otherwise I have failed. 

Principal Owner of My Erections.

Principal Owner of My Erections.

Stephanie McMahon is out here.  I feel like motorboating the “principal owner of the WWE’s” breasts would definitely be worth the assault charge – hell, it wouldn’t be the first time a woman got me in some kind of trouble in my life. 

In case you forgot who is involved in Money in the Bank ladder match to determine the fate of the currently vacant WWE World Heavyweight Championship, here it is.  If you’re dreading John Cena being in this match you are not a single mother and older than the age of 8.  If you were under the age of 8, get the hell out of this recap.  If you are a single mother, “hey how you doing, do you look good? Send me nudes please, thanks.”

Principal KILLER of my erections.

Principal KILLER of my erections.

By the way, Stephanie McMahon has called out Vickie Guerrero who last week was supposed to bring Stephanie a simple cup of coffee and ended up accidentally bringing her drugged coffee which caused her to become violently ill.  The result of that is Roman Reigns, the perpetrator, was put into a qualifying battle royal for the Money in the Bank match (since he convinced Vickie she had nothing left to lose).  Stephanie is angrier about Reigns being in the match than Vickie’s coffee making her stomach turn.  Stephanie tells Vickie that for 9 years she’s been riding the coat-tails of her dead husband Eddie and since they took pity on her, yet she couldn’t be a Diva (implying she is too fat or ugly), so they made her a GM and she failed to do it right and that while Eddie deserved respect, Vickie does not.  Stephanie is about to fire her when Vickie says she will do anything, even beg.  Stephanie tells her to get on her knees, which is the worst thing I could ever hear.  With those Baraka teeth I’d never want to see Vickie on her knees in front of me.  I wish Stephanie would make her join the Kiss My Ass club so we could see Steph’s ass on the air but this is the PG era and Stephanie says Vickie can keep her job but only if she wins her match tonight…. Against Stephanie McMahon.  Stephanie doesn’t think Vickie has the guts but Guerrero says the Guerrero name is the only name more respected in wrestling than the McMahon’s and that Eddie taught her how to lie, cheat and steal.  She hits an EXCUSE ME in Stephanie’s face and storms off ready to fight later tonight.

Seth Rollins... and five Alex Riley shadows.

Seth Rollins... and five Alex Riley shadows.

In addition to the WWE World Heavyweight Title ladder match we will have HHH join us to let us know who will be in the second Money in the Bank match for the briefcase and contract to be cashed in on at any time.

SPOILER:  Dolph gets hit in the head again.

SPOILER:  Dolph gets hit in the head again.

There’s an Intercontinental title match between Bad News Barrett and Dead Career Dolph as well.

Not pictured: Alberto Del Rio. Not cared about: Alberto Del Rio. Not winning Money in the Bank this year: Alberto Del Rio.

Not pictured: Alberto Del Rio.

Not cared about: Alberto Del Rio.

Not winning Money in the Bank this year: Alberto Del Rio.

Also there is a 4 on 3 handicap match (rematch from Smackdown) despite the fact Alberto Del Rio isn’t even pictured on the heel team.  So far the 4 on 3 handicap rematch from Smackdown sounds the most boring of the bunch.  I dislike when WWE rehashes a match or a segment that they had within the previous 7 days.  Wrestling isn’t supposed to go into reruns, is it?

Commercials air.  I see one for a movie called Tammy about an obese chick who in real life is related to Jenny McCarthy which is probably the only reason the fat twat hasn’t been sent to the glue factory where she belongs.  Also Gary Oldman is trying to sell me a cellphone.  By the way, I saw a movie called Paranoia this weekend with Oldman which was all about cellphone technology and corporate sabotage, and was moderately entertaining, which is cool since usually stuff on Netflix blows goats.  Reading my Twitter timeline people want Ziggler to win the IC title.

People also want Santa Claus to be real.

capture_20140623_201520.jpg

The Usos are out here so that Jimmy Uso can take on one of the Wyatts.

capture_20140623_201649.jpg

Harper and Rowan have their own music now which sounds not unlike the music from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest when the Chief suffocates Jack Nicholson at the end of the film, throws a water fountain through a wall and runs away into the sunset.  In fact I’m going to say I wouldn’t mind if suffocating someone with a pillow became Rowan’s finisher (since I’m still not sure he has one).  If you’ve never seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest you’re a terrible human being with shitty taste in cinema.  By the way Harper (the better Wyatt) is the one taking Jimmy Uso on. Harper makes short work of Jimmy with the lariat and we get to hear this creepy harmonica music again.  We can rest assured nobody is going to take out their cellphone lights and sing along with this theme.  Jey Uso immediately demands a singles match with Rowan now as we hit more commercials.  Jey manages to make short work of Rowan once again proving nobody really cares about the ginger garbageman one long term.  After the match the Usos seek to get their belts and go but the Wyatts begin to destroy the Usos post-match, mainly because they probably want to hear their creepy new music again when they are done.

Bray Wyatt appears on the Titantron to tell Harper and Rowan he is proud of them and that a glorious new era is upon us as Bray Wyatt will become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion and his Wyatt Family will become the tag champions as well, and united in splendor the Wyatt Family will roam the earth like giants.  DEA-!  We cut to commercial. 

The Pre-Show… DANIEL BRYAN WILL WRESTLE AGAINST THE BRIEFCASE ITSELF.  And it will still be better than most of Cena’s matches.  In all seriousness though, Daniel Bryan will just be on during the pre-show.

I'm your TWIN BROTHER JULIUS!!!

I'm your TWIN BROTHER JULIUS!!!

Lana and Super Danny DeVito II Turbo don’t like America and have been sight-seeing in Washington D.C.

capture_20140623_203647.jpg

I don’t know if I’d just put the P in Paige on Paige’s titantron as the intro for it, because it just makes it seem like they want Paige’s segments to be a “P” break.  Paige will be provided guest commentary which means someone should probably break out some subtitles somewhere as she’s one of those thick-accented British people that is sometimes difficult to understand.  The feud with Alicia has potential to continue here.  Alicia is taking on Naomi of the Funkadactyls, who is rumored to be turning heel and splitting from Cameron.  Yes… you read that right.  They want Cameron to be the face even though nobody likes her.

The Funkadactyls... creator of many an interracial porn fantasy in the mind of horny nerds like myself everywhere.

The Funkadactyls... creator of many an interracial porn fantasy in the mind of horny nerds like myself everywhere.

I will mourn when the Funkadactyls split because we will never see the ASS TO ASS intro ever again.  Speaking of Cameron she is also joining the commentary booth.  Cameron, despite being the one slated to be a face, says she does not think her own partner, Naomi, is a threat to Paige’s title.  Michael Cole stirs the pot and explains that Cameron has lost several matches to Paige but Naomi has defeated Paige.  Naomi being the heel has to be a rumor as Cameron is just too much of a bitch on the microphone during this segment for it to be anything else.  I feel like there is a lot of black out here right now and I would do interracial pornography with all of it.  I feel a little bit of semen leave my penis at Alicia Fox’s Northern Lights Suplex, the most beautiful Northern Lights Suplex in the world.  Naomi manages to win and I’m glad that this is over, not because it was a bad match (it wasn’t) but just so Cameron would shut the f—k up.

capture_20140623_204428.jpg

Paige mocks Naomi a little bit after the match and it looks like we’re going to have a bout between Naomi and Paige in the future for the Divas championship.  That will lead to a split between Naomi and Cameron (which is apparently already being filmed on WWE’s Total Divas.

Sheamus wants to know if Roman Reigns is ready for a fight.  While people love Reigns, Scumbag Sheamus is a little dull.  Sheamus explains he’s not really over the Shield beating up everybody for no reason.  Reigns says if he wanted to take Sheamus out he’d be unconscious right now. 

The RAW is RIV #BOOTYHADMELIKE pic of the week.

The RAW is RIV #BOOTYHADMELIKE pic of the week.

We are reminded that Titus O’Neil lost to Adam Rose twice in the same night on Smackdown last week. This week it looks like he is taking on Bo Dallas.  Does this mean Bo Dallas is a face?  Bo defeated the heel Fandango last week.  JBL talks about Bo Dallas like he’s trying to have sex with him.  Bo Dallas says that last week Titus O’Neil fell off his horse.  And that didn’t stop him.  He got right back on and fell off again.  He proved to everyone that winning isn’t everything and tonight he’s going to prove that all you have to do… …IS BOLIEVE!  Titus aggressively begins to dominate and decimate Bo, but Bo pulls out the Bo-Dog out of nowhere and is now NINE AND BO. 

YOU CAN GAIN 3 INCHES TO YOUR PENIS THE NATURAL WAY. YOU JUST HAVE TO... BOLIEVE!

YOU CAN GAIN 3 INCHES TO YOUR PENIS THE NATURAL WAY. YOU JUST HAVE TO... BOLIEVE!

“Hey buddy!  I’m nine and Bo!  Titus, you get back on that horse!” 

After this Triple H appears and tells us that he does what’s Best For Business and decided to have a Money in the Bank contract match on the card in addition to the vacant title match.  HHH runs down the competitors.

The Happiest Person Ever to Come from Ghana.

The Happiest Person Ever to Come from Ghana.

Kofi Kingston

The Favorite Wrestler of the Nazi Party.

The Favorite Wrestler of the Nazi Party.

Jack Swagger

ConcussionHead.

ConcussionHead.

Dolph Ziggler

The Man From 2004.

The Man From 2004.

Rob Van Dam

Thug #3 in that one movie with Colin Farrell. 

Thug #3 in that one movie with Colin Farrell. 

And the Intercontinental Champion, Wade Barrett.  HHH then advocates Seth Rollins as the man he believes will win.

I’m just sitting here waiting until Dean Ambrose shows up and gets pissed off about not being in the match.  In all likeliness it appears that only 6 people are in THIS Money in the Bank match and 7 are in the other match so somehow some way before it is all said and done I am sure Dean Ambrose will find a way to get into the match despite the Authority not unlike Roman Reigns did.

Rollins comes out here and says we should be over it by now and we should thank Seth Rollins for creating the Shield because Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose would not be here if it weren’t for him.  Unfortunately instead of Ambrose getting involved we get Rob Van Dam, who says he doesn’t think that the Authority is taking him seriously.  Seth Rollins says he takes RVD seriously but would take him more seriously if this was 2005.  RVD reminds us of his accomplishments as a former WWE Champion a former Money in the Bank winner and a guy that crushed HHH’s trachea in an Elimination Chamber match.  RVD then says he wants a one on one tonight with Seth Rollins.  As much as people mock RVD’s age and relevance in this year, he starts off with a lot of agility and a nice showcase of moves against Rollins.  We hit some commercials, because WWE stock is low, WWE employees are getting fired and this company needs to make money.  We come back and obviously Rollins gains the upper hand and IF WE HAD THE WWE APP WE’D HAVE MISSED NOTHING, SO JOIN THE BORG COLLECTIVE AND LET THE WWE INVADE YOUR PHONE AND YOUR LIFE.  Just when it looks like Rollins has this won, Dean Ambrose comes out here and attacks Seth Rollins.

Making the motion... to grab dem titties.

Making the motion... to grab dem titties.

The officials proceed to restrain Ambrose and he fakes them out then jumps on Rollins again.  Ambrose is infuriated and wants to destroy his former friend and partner. 

Looks like every mugshot of a Florida Man ever, even though this nigga from Ohio.

Looks like every mugshot of a Florida Man ever, even though this nigga from Ohio.

Ambrose makes a murderer face and says if he is not put in the Money in the Bank match he’s going to screw up the entire Pay-Per-View so they oughta just put him in regardless. 

You have to love Ambrose’s psycho faces.  Who are you to doubt the Tittymaster? He’s a heck of a wrestler and a stand-up guy.

"So then Punk told me, 'AJ's anal cavity is THIS big now.'"

"So then Punk told me, 'AJ's anal cavity is THIS big now.'"

Backstage, the irony is Seth Rollins asks HHH to put Ambrose in the match but he feels that if Ambrose is in the match he’ll be where Seth Rollins can see him and is able to neutralize him otherwise Ambrose will be a problem outside of the match.  Rollins adds he wants to see the look on Ambrose’s face when he wins the briefcase.  HHH makes it happen and Ambrose is officially added to the Money In the Bank roster.  Up next we have Wade Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler.

Barrett has Bad News for us and that is that once he defeats Ziggler tonight AND at Money in the Bank during the ladder match he’ll have to change his name just like Washington’s constantly-losing NFL team.  I like Barrett and he’s great in the ring and on the mic but I miss those times where he isn’t wrestling and interrupting people on a giant podium in the aisleway.  He needs to do that more often during moments he’s not wrestling.  I wish I could care about Dolph Ziggler but I am a heterosexual male and a realist.  He’s never getting above the midcard level.  I just don’t see it.  Not that he is untalented but clearly the WWE has decided that’s just where the chips are falling.  Hey, he had a couple of World Title runs and that’s a couple more than most people had.  That said, Ziggler vs. Barrett is pretty damn good, and Ziggler is solid in the ring.  He unleashes a barrage of offense that is thwarted once Barrett hits the winds of change to take Ziggler down to the matt.  Now Bad News Barrett is in control and things are going to get ugly for Ziggler.  Barrett sets up Wasteland but gets dropped with the zig-zag.  Dolph is too hurt to capitalize and Barrett rolls under the bottom rope to the outside to ensure he doesn’t get pinned while he recovers.  More commercials interrupt this solid match.  The match continues the excitement with Wastelands and Fameassers, and bullhammer attempts and the whole nine – this is definitely the match of the night by far.  Finally Wade wins with the bullhammer, running Dolph Ziggler over with it – Dolph looks like he’s JFK being assassinated when he gets hit with that.

Vickie Guerrero in ring gear is a painful sight.  Renee Young interviews her about her chances of defeating Stephanie McMahon.  Vickie expresses anger about being insulted and humiliated more than anyone else in WWE history and she has no regrets but tonight she is taking back her dignity.  Randy Orton interrupts and tells Vickie she is going to regret her decision to put Roman Reigns in the Battle Royal and tonight she’s finally going to get what she deserves.  He says he’d like to say it was nice knowing her but we both know that’d be a lie.

Vickie gets a cheap pop for coming out to Los Guerreros entrance theme.

This is one of those horrible screenshots where if you stare at Stephanie for more than 15 seconds she morphs into Vince.

This is one of those horrible screenshots where if you stare at Stephanie for more than 15 seconds she morphs into Vince.

Stephanie comes out here but she is not dressed to compete.  Stephanie explains that the match is not going to take place in the ring.  It’s going to take place here with the loser being the one who goes inside a giant pool of what appears to be shit.

What it's like to be in TNA. #SIXSIDES.

What it's like to be in TNA. #SIXSIDES.

Stephanie says she’s not even sure what is in there.  She also summons Rosa Mendes, Layla, and Alicia Fox.  Vickie is running like she’s in a giant game of Pac-Man.  Vickie manages to escape the clutches of the 3 women and shove Rosa in the shit vat, then side-steps Layla who falls into it as well.  Alicia Fox is tossed in there as well.  That only leaves Stephanie.  Vickie begins to do a YES chant but gets kneed in the back for her insolence.

Vickie Guerrero, soon to change her Twitter handle to @VickieWWETubGirl

Vickie Guerrero, soon to change her Twitter handle to @VickieWWETubGirl

Stephanie now fires Vickie and Vickie’s response is to toss Stephanie into the tub of shit as well.   

Someone in Brazil is going to jack off to this.

Someone in Brazil is going to jack off to this.

After some commercials, JBL, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler remind us that Cody Rhodes has become…

…shh… …STARRRRDUSSSTTTT!  Rybaxel says that Goldust & Stardust defeating them was nothing more than a fluke.  Backstage, Byron Nutsax interviews Goldust and Stardust. 

Stardust, the uncanny mutant with the power to suck dick from anywhere on earth.

Stardust, the uncanny mutant with the power to suck dick from anywhere on earth.

Cody comes out singing “When you wish upon a Star” with a spotlight on him.  This is the gayest thing ever yet somehow amusing. 

WE. THE PEOPLE.  Kofi Kingston is taking on Jack Swagger tonight.  I really don’t care other than the fact Zeb and Swagger wish Kofi would “go back to where he came from” which is the closest thing we have to a racist gimmick we have here in the WWE.  Swagger wins after a decidedly average match. 

Zeb Colter: The best O Face in the business.

Zeb Colter: The best O Face in the business.

Zeb Colter needs a change of underwear every time Swagger wins a match.  We also get told Naomi vs. Paige has been added to Money in the Bank. 

PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO.

PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO PERRO.

IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT PERRROS.  People keep forgetting Alberto Del Rio exists, or is employed, or at Money in the Bank, or any sort of relevant.  Cesaro and Paul Heyman interrupt so that Heyman can talk about how his client BROCK LESNAR CONQUERED THE UNDERTAKER’S UNDEFEATED STREAK.  Cesaro ends this by telling Del Rio he only speaks five languages and none of them are “Loser.” 

Four score and seven year ago was like the last time Damien Sandow was relevant.

Four score and seven year ago was like the last time Damien Sandow was relevant.

Damien Sandow is Abe Lincoln tonight.  This is depressing.  I feel like a John Wilkes Booth needs to show up and put this guy out of his misery for all of our sakes.  … 3 AIN’T ENOUGH MAN, I NEED 5.  One Big Ending later, Sandow is back to jobberville.  Big E. snatches the microphone from Tom Phillips after the match and says ENOUGH IS ENOUGH in regards to Rusev and Lana.  Be careful Big E.  The last guy in the WWE who said that ended up like Wil E. Coyote in a Road Runner cartoon.  Lana appears and distracts Big E who is assaulted by Rusev.

capture_20140623_223504.jpg

This just looks like some sort of creepy gay interracial porn.

capture_20140623_224143.jpg

Speaking of creepy and gay, here’s a Cena promo that nobody will care about.  It’s time for our main event and I find myself not really caring all that much because it happened on Smackdown.  In fact, I don’t.   Here is a picture of my dog, instead.

Just stare at the dog. I really wish I could care but that’s a habit WWE needs to get out of – they demand devotion from its fans yet they make us watch the same matches we had on Smackdown.  This is why sometimes I actually do miss that roster split we had a few years back.  It prevented these situations.  Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Cesaro for the win.  After the match Kane comes out here for no reason and beats up everybody which means he will probably also be added to the Money in the Bank match.

HHH makes it official with Randy Orton at his side as if to imply Kane’s function is to make sure Orton gets the belt back.  We come to a… SPEAR BY ROMAN REIGNS ON KANE.  HHH and Orton are pissed and we close with Reigns standing victorious.

Roman Reigns giving his imaginary friends the sign of unity.

Roman Reigns giving his imaginary friends the sign of unity.

He looks so lonely without the other two giving him dap.  Anyway that’s a wrap for RAW this week and I’m glad to say this was an excellent go-home show getting people on the Money in the Bank hype train.  If only more RAW episodes had this sort of seamless feel to them I might actually enjoy doing recaps EVERY week instead of one out of every four or so.  If you liked what I did here, well, recapping is a thankless job but you can change that (and keep my site and shows running) by dropping a buck or two via PayPal to jasonrivera@gmail.com – every little bit helps. Thank you and good night everybody.