Ugh. USA has replaced the “last few minutes of NCIS” with the “last few minutes of Modern Family.” I am offended. At least when NCIS: LA was on I’d see a couple of hot chicks. Now I gotta watch two gay guys talk about how handsome they think each other are. What the hell have I walked into? And no, I will NOT apologize for typing this. I don’t wanna see that shit. Hurry up so I can watch half-naked men toss each other around in a ring while talking about how much they hate one another.
It’s time for RAW. We have been told that the Authority has some kind of huge announcement tonight. The entire WWE locker room is on the ramp – all the ones that didn’t get fired at the end of last week, that is. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have something to say.
I find it hilarious by the way that Seth Rollins still wears his Shield gear. We’re reminded that Daniel Bryan was stripped of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship which is now up for grabs in the Money in the Bank ladder match. They take this time to once again inform us that in their eyes Daniel Bryan is a B+ player. The Authority is here to ask who will be the last man to enter the Money in the Bank ladder match. I hope its Heath Slater. Now that McIntyre & Mahal got fired it’s time for his big push. Stephanie tells us everyone on the ramp is going to be in a Battle Royal but HHH says certain stars will NOT be allowed in the Battle Royal and he means Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. He also refuses to allow Cena in the Battle Royal. HHH is tired of Cena helping Daniel Bryan and the Shield so tonight he can help the Authority. HHH says that since Daniel Bryan is out and cannot wrestle Kane, John Cena will – and he can enter the ladder match if he can defeat Kane in a stretcher match.
Ugh. Thanks for reminding me that Kevin Hart is going to be here. I hate most of the RAW guest host segments and I hate even more that it is the most over-exposed man ever. It feels like you can’t turn on your television, check your mail or take a shit without Kevin Hart popping out at you. I tend to hate when celebrities do that. Go away. I hope they take Kevin Hart and do what they did to Owen Hart to him.
Dolph Ziggler… HE REALLY likes the Special Olympics.
Seth Rollins is out here to fight Ziggler yet again. We split up the Shield to have Rollins fight Ziggler over and over and over and over again? Doesn’t seem like a good payoff. I mean these guys have some good matches but it feels sort of pointless in terms of actual progression – Dolph is basically a “really good jobber,” and they are in Ziggler’s hometown which means his chances to win are even further diminished. Meanwhile we have a “rogue Shield member” (he still dresses like one) who defected to become HHH’s buddy but then be put on a B+ level. It’s not like he’s in Money in the Bank or has anything going for him right now – how has aligning with HHH benefitted Rollins yet other than by giving him music which appears to be the same 15 seconds looped over and over and over again?
Leather jacket Ambrose attacks Rollins as Rollins hits his finisher on Ziggler. I bet female pussy is wet everywhere for that. How come I don’t get that reaction in my leather jackets and jeans? Rollins still gets the win, but Ambrose swears this won’t be finished until he gets his hands on that smug corporate face and even though he won’t do anything without HHH’s permission Ambrose wants to fight Rollins like a man.
HHH appears on the Titantron and demands Ambrose stop going crazy out there. HHH does a mock “Bad News” impersonation and sends Wade Barrett out there to fight Ambrose instead. Barrett vs. Ambrose will be another good one. It feels like it is halfway through when we get back from commercials so the commentators use this moment to demand we all download the WWE App so that matches don’t end up halfway through. JBL says that Ambrose is mental and he’s “not a part of our world.” I have to respect that Ambrose is still ridiculously agile while wearing street clothes. Barrett just has some dominating moves such as sitting Ambrose on the turnbuckle, clotheslining him off it and watching him fall to the ground like a Plinko chip, hitting the apron on the way to the floor.
Dean Ambrose is almost ready to put Barrett away after a great match when Rollins taunts Ambrose while standing on the announce-table. You’d think this is going to end in immediate bullhammer, but Ambrose tosses Barrett out onto Rollins, dives onto them both and chases Rollins into the crowd, getting himself counted out. This wasn’t for the Intercontinental title though so it doesn’t matter all that match but Ambrose still doesn’t like losing so he blindsides Barrett after the match and hits him with Dirty Deeds. Ambrose now also has music of his own.
Reigns, now on his own as well (and also still in Shield gear) tries to cause dissention in the Authority by telling Vickie not to be a glorified stooge for the Authority. Vickie doesn’t seem to be buying it so Roman reminds Vickie she should have sugar for their coffee when she brings it to them. As she leaves, Reigns roofies the drinks.
Here is a photo of Bray Wyatt. That is all.
Oh and at Money in the Bank the Wyatt Family members, Harper and Rowan get a tag team title shot. Rumor is the Usos will overcome the Wyatts and drop them to the Ascension who will soon debut on WWE television. Bray gets ready to cut a promo. Bray talks about power and how power is to be respected but a weak man is lower than the dirt which stains his clothing.
As Bray sings he is interrupted by Scumbag Sheamus.
I’m not sure Sheamus can do anything that can impress me as a babyface. He comes out here, and says it is bad luck to walk under the ladder. I also forgot Sheamus is the U.S. Champion. Sheamus wants to shove his boot in Bray’s ass, FELLA. Okay then. I go to do something else – Bray is good at promos, but in the ring he’s not all that interesting, and Sheamus is FellAIDS as a babyface. The Usos come to balance out the Wyatts being at ringside and I still am not inclined to care mainly due to the fact the Usos had become an extension of Cena during THAT feud. I decide to go try on all my late father’s clothing to see what fits and what doesn’t because frankly going through my late father’s clothing and cleaning is STILL somehow LESS depressing than this.
By the way if you would like to offer monetary condolences (because without my father we are struggling here at home), you may do so at firstname.lastname@example.org via PayPal. A few people have been charitable towards us in our loss and time of need and I appreciate everyone who is and who has. Thanks.
Oh, Sheamus and the Usos repelled the attack by the Wyatts. Meanwhile Vickie is spilling drinks everywhere backstage.
Here is Stephanie sucking on something which is approximately the size of the penis of the average wrestling fan while Vickie is forced to get HHH another drink because she spilt his. Oh, and Kevin Hart is mentioned yet again. That is… unfortunate.
After a commercial break and some words and all of that nonsense, Stephanie is interviewed by Renee Young about who she thinks will win the Battle Royal tonight. She starts feeling unwell. It’s time for Roman to take her drugged ass and give her the Superman Donkey-Punch. Paul Heyman approaches as Stephanie runs off to talk to Renee Young about the ladder match and about how big Cesaro’s penis is. He says that Cesaro winning is not an opinion but a spoiler or something. After that we get highlights of Rusev getting the Lana Starfish award.
Heath Slater, the sole remaining member of the 3MB is here to get squashed by Rusev for being a ginger. They don’t like gingers in Russia. Putin is officially part of Rusev’s titantron now. I wonder if that means they are officially a tag team. Which one is the Jannetty? I’d rather see Putin wrestle than Rusev. Once they hit the ring Lana begins spouting off her anti-American propaganda.
Lana says this is what Mt. Rushmore will look like when they are done. I bet all four of those faces have had their noses deep in Lana’s pussy. Heath Slater interrupts their promo and asks why Rusev and Lana don’t just go back to Russia if they don’t like it here because he’s sick and tired of hearing it, the WWE Universe is tired of hearing about it and they’re fighting the American Rockstar in the USA, BABAAAAYYYY!!! Heath Slater’s face turn is probably just so they can have Bo Dallas kill him when Rusev is done.
HHH makes Vickie check on Stephanie and it sounds like she’s making another JTG to make up for the one she fired in the bathroom. She vomits all over Vickie Guerrero which makes Vickie ready to vomit. HHH leaves Vickie in charge to go take care of his wife.
Brazilian Scat Porn? 1 Vickie 1 Cup. That’s pretty rotten even for me to endure.
Roman Reigns demands being put in the Battle Royal because Vickie is going to probably be fired anyway and she might as well do something to earn her firing. Once this happens the commentators put over Kevin Hart’s new film, Think Like a Man Too. I decide I’d rather throw myself into the Pit from Mortal Kombat than care about any of this Kevin Hart crap. Kevin shares a segment with Adam Rose and the Rosebuds then does guest commentary for a match between Fandango/Layla and Summer Rae/Adam Rose while Michael Cole acts like he gives a shit about this.
Sandow is making himself look like a moron as usual. It's a shame it seems to have no payoff whatsoever. Reigns inherited the Shield theme in the divorce, along with the entrance of coming from the crowd. I’m fine with that. The Shield had an incredible set-up and it should be kept. This will be predictable if Roman Reigns wins yet it will be anticlimactic if he does not.
It boils down to Reigns and PutinDick.JPG. Reigns manages to destroy PutinDick.JPG with a Superman Punch, eliminating Mother Russia and advancing Reigns into the ladder match.
Hand it to the cameraman. Good work on that shot. Doubt Reigns will walk out with the belts but the fact he’s in it is good stuff. At least one ex-Shield member needed to be in it. John Cena is interviewed in the backstage area and nobody actually cares what he has to say.
He raises his hand and I thought maybe he’d pimp slap Renee Young. Then I remembered this is 2014 and “everyone is faggots now.” I hear SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA and almost forgot Brodus had been fired. Cameron is in singles action.
I love Naomi and Cameron’s entrance and wish my head was between their asses. Cameron is taking on Paige. Cameron is posturing in a very heel way – apparently Paige was slapped by Cameron earlier and I either missed it or it was on the stupid App which I refuse to download. I wonder if Cameron and Naomi are due to split soon. Cameron has always been the bitch of the group and I’m surprised they’ve kept the two women together this long.
Paige swiftly defeats Cameron by submission and poses for her victory. I get a boner. It’s been too long since I got laid. I need help. Or nudes. Ladies? Send nudes. After those Divas leave we see the Divas who we call the Rhodes Brothers. Cody has claimed Goldust deserves a better partner. Cody said last week he’d find Goldust a new partner.
Goldust has met his partner and is ecstatic. He feels himself up and wanders off. I’m about 70% sure it is Cody in a Goldust costume.
Oh no. It’s Stardust. I HATE being right. Stardust and Goldust get the win right away. This is… … … wow. Just wow. I remember saying one day Cody Rhodes would inherit the Goldust curse and here it is. After this is the John Cena/Kane stretcher match which I absolutely do not care about in any way shape or form so I go to continue working on my father’s closet. He was a better dresser than Cena.
…There are no ugly lime green shirts in the Rivera wardrobe. Ever.
CENAWINSLOL. Why did I come back to recapping? I was depressed about a death in the family and this shit actually makes me MORE depressed. Ugh. I hate you all right now. If Cena wins the title again, we all go to hell. Bye.