In continuing a look back at some of our Mortal Kombat themed articles from the archives for Mortal De Mayo, I found the time Marion Wallace willingly sat through Mortal Kombat Annihilation without the use of drugs or alcohol. Technically this article is against the law, as it violates the 8th amendment of the United States constitution which protects against "cruel and unusual punishment." Enjoy.
In the entertainment world, there are both good ideas and bad ideas. Generally, for every good idea, there’s at least one bad idea. Unfortunately, there’s often more than just one.
Good idea - Mortal Kombat: An innovative, fun, gory, controversial fighting game.
Bad idea - Mortal Kombat the movie: A mediocre film adaptation of the first game in the series.
Even worse idea - Mortal Kombat Annihilation: A f--king sequel to the shitty Mortal Kombat the movie.
Worst idea - Me telling Riv that I'd review said shitty sequel.
I really don’t know what I was thinking agreeing to this. This movie is awful. It gets worse each time you watch it, which leads me to wonder why the f--k I’ve watched this piece of garbage more than once. This movie’s so bad, that despite trying to record it 5 times in the last 2 weeks so I could reference it in this review, the DVR refused to do so, and I believe it told to me f--k myself for even suggesting putting it through that. So without the movie to go on while writing up this review, I’ll have to go from memory. If you’re lucky, it won’t be nearly as bad as the actual movie.
One of the biggest problems with the movie is the lack of returning cast members. The other is a shitty plot, shitty writing, and pretty much shitty everything. But we’ll get to that later. Back on the subject of the replaced actors, no longer do we have the Highlander, Christopher Lambert, as Raiden. Instead of him, we get the guy that played Ajax in The Warriors. While he was awesome in that movie, we’re not so lucky here. This Raiden’s a pussy that spends half the movie getting shot with stuff. Also not returning is Bridgette Wilson, who played Sonya Blade. I don’t really care too much about this one however, since I don’t really give a damn about Sonya in either movie. Remember how awesome Johnny Cage was in the first movie? Too f--king bad! He’s not back either. Not that it matters. Cage is killed off within the first few minutes of the movie anyway.
The movie pretty much opens up where the last one left off, with Shao Kahn disrupting the celebration between the earth warriors and Raiden at the Shaolin temple. Then he kills Johnny Cage without even a fight. He just boringly snaps his neck. Great, only about 10 minutes in and our best character (In the movies, at least. Scorpion and Sub-Zero are worthless in them) is dead. The rest of the story loosely follows that of Mortal Kombat 3(or maybe Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 or Mortal Kombat Trilogy. They were all pretty much the same thing anyway). Shao Kahn wasn’t too happy about losing in MORTAL KOMBAT to Earthrealm, so he wants to resurrect his dead bride Sindel on earth so he can merge the realms and take control without having to win the tournament. Goddamn Gamesharker. At least that’s how it happens in the game. I never catch the movie early enough to see the beginning, so for all I know, they could have just decided to have Shao Kahn open a shitload of portals and merge the realms anyway regardless of Sindel.
At this point, I don’t really know what happens next since the movie’s not really worth remembering and I rarely turn it on in time to see this, but eventually the realms start merging, Sindel’s alive, Liu Kang and Kitana are sent to find Nightwolf, Scorpion kidnaps Kitana after a fight with the younger, unmasked brother of the original Sub-Zero, Rain’s killed by Kahn for not killing Stryker and Kabal, and Sonya goes to save Jax. Rain sucks. He lived too long in this movie as it was. Unfortunately, he’s not the only worthless new character in this shitty movie. As I’ve already mentioned, Nightwolf and Sindel make their first appearances here, as well as Baraka (as well as two other generic Tarkatan warriors), Mileena, Sheeva, Motaro, Jade, Cyrax, Smoke (in cyborg form), Ermac and Noob Saibot. Too bad almost none of them have any plot, backstory, or reason for even existing. At this point, it’s worth mentioning that neither Scorpion nor Sub-Zero are seen again in this movie, despite neither being killed, nor Kitana being in Kahn’s palace as his prisoner later on. Apparently characters other than Liu Kang aren’t allowed to have more than one purpose in this movie. In some case, they don’t even get one!
Nightwolf’s only scenes in the movie are when he tells Liu Kang to “Feel your animality!” and then hitting Kang in the face with a f--king hatchet, which sends him into a vision quest-inducing hallucination. There, he meets Jade, who tries to beat the shit out of him as part of one of Nightwolf’s “tests” to prove Liu Kang worthy of being the Earth’s champion. Around the same time, Sonya goes to search for Jax and finds him strapped to a table in some facility. Jax has decided to forego the usual black stereotype of gold, silver, platinum, or diamonds around his neck and instead wrap the metal around his arms. Just as Sonya frees him, Cyrax shows up ready to kill them. Sometime between Mortal Kombat 3 and his appearance in this movie, Cyrax has learned how to turn his green net from a cheap projectile to bring the enemy close into a death net that dissolves anything it touches...except Jax’s metal arms. After another shitty fight, Cyrax is taken down when Sonya blows a flammable powder towards him through fire, mirroring her Kiss Of Death fatality from the videogames. Her and Jax then notice a dragon tattoo on Cyrax’s back that flies off and vanishes and then Cyrax self-destructs, also mirroring one of his MK3 fatalities.
After escaping Cyrax’s explosion, Sonya and Jax wander the now wasteland-like Surrounding areas as Jax complains about not being told what’s going on and Sonya bitches to him asking why Johnny had to die. If you ask me, Johnny got lucky, as around this point, I start asking why I had to live and watch this shitty movie again. Sonya wanders off from Jax, only to be attacked by Mileena, who she mistakes for Kitana at first. A giant statue beast coming to life and trying to eat Sonya follows yet another shitty fight. Mileena’s also got a disappearing dragon tattoo. Jax shows up in the nick of time and beats the shit out of it using his metal arms and then hints that he wants to f--k the now mud-covered Sonya. I kinda do too, although I’m not sure if I want to bad enough to overlook how badly I want to kill everyone associated with this movie. They meet up with Kang and Jade, and Sonya gets jealous because she’s not the only piece of ass in the group anymore. No time for them to settle it with an old-fashioned oil-wrestling match though, as Kahn’s extermination squads appear on the horizon.
While all of this was happening, Raiden had gone to seek counsel with the Elder Gods who basically told him that they don’t give a shit about Earthrealm and they don’t really care what Kahn does. They must be sick of this movie too. Raiden agrees to give up his immortality and godhood to be able to help out the Earth warriors, and heads back to meet up with our four heroes. Sporting a new, wussier look, he uses the last of his powers to open a portal to Outworld so they can rescue Kitana and close Kahn’s portals.
Once in Outworld, Kang is sent to find Kitana as the others are attacked by Sindel and a group of Reptiles. Raiden takes on two of the Reptiles (The third one just kind of disappears, never to be heard from again), with all three fighters doing your typical, useless martial arts flips, kicks, and other stupid motions that don’t even come close to connecting. After all the worthless martial arts choreography, Raiden takes them down with one kick each, ending yet another shitty fight in this horrible movie. The others inform Raiden that Jade managed to take down Sindel during the fight. From there, we cut to Liu arriving in the chamber Kitana’s held in, only to be ambushed by Baraka before he can free her. Two more Tarkatan warriors show up and Kang grabs a sword and battles with them. Eventually he manages to take down Baraka, dropping him into a fire pit and showing us just how bad this movie was actually done. In a move that must have been done to save money, when Baraka’s thrown into the fire pit, we cut to the scene of Rain being knocked into it by Kahn earlier, complete with noticeable purple outfit as he falls. Yay shitty editing! Just as Liu frees Kitana, Sheeva shows up to spoil the celebration. Or not. Not being the smartest of Kahn’s generals, she jumps right underneath the giant, heavy, metal cage. Kang, noticing how f--king stupid she is, drops the cage on her. Oh well, at least we didn’t have to see another shitty fight sequence.
Kang and Kitana return to the others, but when Kitana tries to snap Sindel out of Kahn’s spell, it’s revealed this was a trap, as she whips Raiden with her hair, once again proving just how goddamn worthless he is in this movie. Then, while the Earth warriors just stand and watch her, Sindel retreats through the use of spinning like a six year old, while laughing just as hysterically as one. Jade walks away unnoticed. Conveniently enough, a dragon tattoo is now visible in the spot where Sindel torn Raiden’s shirt with her whip-hair. When questioned, he explains that it’s his family crest, and the ones that flew away were only temporary ones, granting passage through realms. The only problem is that only Raiden’s father can bestow them on an individual, meaning daddy’s decided to align himself with Kahn. Also conveniently enough, Kahn is Raiden’s brother. How nice of Raiden to leave that bit of information out thus far.
Around this time, Jade and Sindel return to report to Kahn, who’s unhappy about them letting the Earth warriors live. I would be too. I mean, what kind of shitty plan is “Trick them into thinking you’re a friend then tell them you’re not and run away!” Is this supposed to make Liu Kang run up to his room and cry because nobody likes him? So naturally, he kills Jade, making me wonder why anyone would want to work for Shao Kahn. It’s like working at Walmart, except Kahn’s minions get to keep their souls. Some more worthless stuff happens and then it’s time for the final showdown between the Earth warriors and Kahn’s generals.
Instead of just jumping right in with Kang versus Kahn, we’ve gotta sit through some more filler fighting, as this movie’s not quite hit the 80% filler mark. The two sides pair off, with Kitana choosing to fight her mother and Jax taking on “Mr. Ed.” Sonya is left fighting whatever’s left, which happens to be Ermac, proving she has no real purpose in this movie other than to be a set of tits in a tank top. The fight between Kitana and Sindel is the least interesting or noteworthy of the three, despite having a chance at capitalizing on the drama of Kitana being forced to fight her own mother. I suppose it’s asking far too much for the writers to involve any sort of emotion in the story. Well, any emotion besides hate for their shitty writing. Eventually, Kitana traps her mother in headlock and they both watch on while Kang and Kahn fight.
Next, we have Jax versus Motaro. Here, Jax learns he can punch the ground and cause a small earthquake, which momentarily stuns Motaro. This doesn’t really help much, as the centaur just gets right up and stomps the f--k out of Jax anyway. A good portion of this fight scene is just Motaro beating the hell out of Jax, with him finally damaging and ripping off one of Jax’s cybernetic arms and taunting him about how useless he is without his weapons. So naturally, Jax does what any sensible person would do. He rips off the other strength-enhancing cybernetic arm and proceeds to take out his anger for the writers on Motaro.
As the Jax fight is going on, Sonya goes up against Ermac. The Flyin’ Jew has asked me to point out here just how much he despises Ermac. He threatened me at knifepoint and said he’d “cut a vato” if I left out his hatred for him. It’s probably better that I reviewed this, as it would be 12 paragraphs about how much he thinks Ermac sucks had he done it.
This fight is just your typical, each side struggles and take turns landing blows until Ermac decides he needs a run-in and summons Noob Saibot from inside him to help in the battle. Luckily for me, I stopped trying to make sense of this movie an hour ago. These two gangbang Sonya until she finally breaks down and screams out a plea for help from Jax. The two then quickly kill both ninjas rather effortlessly, thus bringing the useless ninja count in this movie up to 10, if you count the robot and female ninjas. Also, if you’re keeping track at home, two characters’ stories just closed, as Sonya finally realized its ok to get help from friends, Jax gained confidence in himself, and the Tinman finally got a heart.
Finally, we have the fight to decide the fate of the world. Too bad Rocky, Chuck Norris, Samoa Joe, the Harlem Globetrotters, or HHH aren’t in this. Asian Guy versus Bald, Bad Acting Guy doesn’t really seem like fate-of-the-world kind of battle. There’s no way Shao Kahn would have gotten up from a muscle buster.
Just before the fight starts, Raiden once again gets shot in the chest, just in case we hadn’t realize how worthless he was in the previous 80 minutes of this movie. Kang, angered at the death of the god of thunder, attacks Kahn. A lot of this fight is Kang getting his ass kicked until he finally listens to Nightwolf’s advice and (leaves the movie after two scenes) feels his animality. Out of nowhere, Kang turns into a claymation dragon. Before I can comprehend how stupidly cheesy this effect is, Kahn shows off his animality too, instead changing into a f--king hydra! I think I can see Ray Harryhausen clapping wildly in approval off to the side of the fight.
Both of the Play-Doh monsters then tumble off the platform they were fighting on. When they finally recover, Liu informs Kahn that he’s bleeding, which must mean he’s now mortal, which Shinnok points out is a consequence of him defying the elder gods. Before Shinnok can blast Kang away, the Elder Gods arrive to ensure the fight for the fate of Earth is a fair one, decreeing that Earth’s fate shall be decided as it should be...in MORTAL KOMBAT! Apparently those are the magic words that cause Liu Kang to hulk-up, as he fares far better this time around than the beginning of the fight. Finally, he puts Kahn down for good, bringing the fight to an end, peace to the Earthrealm, and this movie one step closer to being over.
With Kahn’s defeat, the Elder Gods banish Shinnok by folding him up into a little square. No, seriously. They really do. Shinnok gets folded into smaller and smaller squares until he f--king disappears. Also, despite the fact that Kahn was still alive and seemingly able to fight, after it’s decided he lost, his dragon tattoo “hatches” from him into a full-sized dragon that just vanishes after bursting free of Kahn’s shell. The Elder Gods then decide to reward Raiden’s uselessness by resurrecting him and giving him Shinnok’s place as an Elder God. I guess they figure he’s too much of a pussy to cause the kind of trouble Shinnok did. We end the movie with everything back to normal and everyone perfectly happy. Except anyone who paid to see this movie.
So ends our look at this horrible sequel to the mostly crappy Mortal Kombat. If you made it all the way through this, I advise you to seek therapy, as you’re clearly a sick individual for being able to stand this much Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go kill myself and end the pain caused by this movie.