WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (May 5, 2014)

I’m getting too old for this sh-t.  Time for RAW.  Extreme Rules was average, not the best, not the worst Pay-Per-View.  The midgets on the pre-show actually outdid pretty much everyone.  We’re starting things off immediately with the Shield who were victorious last night against Evolution. 


Since Evolution doesn’t like the Shield and has sour grapes against their victory, HHH has ordered Dean Ambrose to defend the United States title… in a 20 man over the top Battle Royal.  The deck is stacked.  There are some people that hope Ambrose surpasses the Lex Luger record which is over 500 days.  I’d be okay with that; it’d definitely be an impressive feat.  It’s so predictable that Ambrose is doomed tonight that I don’t think he will be.

The time has come to say goodbye to all my US belts.

The time has come to say goodbye to all my US belts.

It’s also worth noting that Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns are not participating in the 20 Man Battle Royal.  If Ambrose gets out of this, next week he’ll have to defend against the entire arena, audience, cameramen, commentators, hot dog vendors, and the ticket scalpers and homeless people outside the arena.  He’ll lose it to one of those guys with the JESUS HATES WRESTLING signs that pickets outside arenas.

I bet Battle Royals smell like so much musk, especially with the likes of the Big Show and Mark Henry in there.

I bet Battle Royals smell like so much musk, especially with the likes of the Big Show and Mark Henry in there.

Ambrose overcomes everything… only to get Brogue Kicked and eliminated… by Sheamus who now HAS to turn heel because nobody likes him.

Triple H comes out here to brag, gloat, look like a tennis ball, whatever.  He says the Shield was extremely lucky and he says now that Ambrose lost the title their luck is changing and they will now be in a 6 man tag later tonight against the Wyatts (even though Ambrose is drained from this match), their luck has run out.  The fan girls must be killing themselves right now over Ambrose losing that belt.  Luger is going to celebrate himself into having another stroke, however.

The Fellabration begins, only nobody is attending it.

The Fellabration begins, only nobody is attending it.

Sheamus is booed the second he is interviewed about winning the US title.  Renee asks what Sheamus has to say to a guy like Ambrose who just had to defend against 19 other men and Sheamus simply says “no hard feelings, fella.”

the Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene of the WWE.

the Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene of the WWE.

Daniel Bryan and his wife Brie are interrupted by Stephanie McMahon and her continued fake sincerity about their well-being.  She says they angered Kane by defeating him and things are going to get worse.  She tells them she can’t guarantee their safety unless they stay put in the locker room until Daniel’s match tonight.  Up next RVD is in another match with Cesaro.  Their match was pretty interesting last night, so I will give them that.  I wonder if there is any chance Swagger interferes.

You'd think the King of Swing could afford something that doesn't look like it's something out of the Golden Girls' wardrobe.

You'd think the King of Swing could afford something that doesn't look like it's something out of the Golden Girls' wardrobe.

Am I the only one who thinks Cesaro’s new ring jacket looks like it belongs to somebody’s grandmother?  RVD gets tied into the ropes after a long match and Cesaro beats on RVD over and over and over until he gets disqualified.  Heyman tells Cesaro to stop before he gets suspended.  RVD wins via disqualification. 

The Wyatt family is here. It's basically "Shawn Michaels has left the building" but in reverse.

The Wyatt family is here. It's basically "Shawn Michaels has left the building" but in reverse.

The Wyatt Family is here.  And… we hit commercials.  They only had that segment to tell us they are here. 

After the break the Wyatt family is in the ring so Bray can cut another great promo.  He says sister Abigail told Bray he was born to lead and would change the world.  Bray explains that last night he became somebody.  He said John Cena’s fear was personified by that of a singing child. 

Supposedly this is Bray Wyatt’s actual child.  He’s got a distorted voice, not unlike Nailz in the 1990s.  I think that is the effects of being a 4th generation superstar, which is what he will be if he chooses to take professional wrestling as his future.  Bray says the world must be burned down so a new world can take its place.  He says he does this for the children and for the poor men begging in the street or the teenage girl who wakes up crying in the morning because they didn’t think she was beautiful enough to be prom queen.

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Eh, rematch.  Bleh.  I hope Wade wraps that up quickly.  Meanwhile back in the ring following commercials…

Ryback is getting ready to S some D.

Ryback is getting ready to S some D.

…double bleh, it’s Rybaxel.  For some reason Ryback is fighting Cody Rhodes in singles action.  Cody is on the cusp of a heel turn so he will probably lose and somehow blame Goldust.  Also both Rhodes brothers accidentally eliminated each other in the Battle Royal earlier (nobody noticed, or cared that much).  The end comes when Goldust is tossed into a ringpost by Curtis Axel which knocks Cody Rhodes off the top turnbuckle into a Shell Shock by Ryback, allowing him to get the win.

Backstage Daniel Bryan and Brie in their makeshift prison locker room break out when the lights go off.  Stephanie catches them and says she will bring up their car so they can leave.  Kane will probably be in it when it gets here. 

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Oh no, Los Matadores Cinco De Mayo.  Nothing like a Mexican holiday being celebrated by two Puerto Ricans who are pretending to be Mexican.  This is quickly interrupted by 3MB and Hornswoggle.  Heath Slater says you can’t have a party without Tres MB.  Unfortunately since Heath Slater talked about a party it might mean the debut of Adam Rose so we have three on three. 

No, please, no.  End the pain.  Luckily no Adam Rose appearance.  The 3MB are humiliated by Los Matadores so their music can play. 

BO-LIEVE!!!  Meanwhile Kofi Kingston is in the ring for a match.  Of course he’s fighting Rusev.

Vladimir Putin is watching you masturbate... to Lana's entrance.

Vladimir Putin is watching you masturbate... to Lana's entrance.

Lana puts Vladimir Putin on the Titantron again.  I can’t wait until he debuts here.  Rusev is now a citizen of Russia says Lana.  This is because Vince McMahon finally realize the Soviet Union broke up in the 1990s.  This is probably also to stop me from making bad puns like last week’s recap when I called him the BORGARIAN Brute and replaced him with zombie robots from Star Trek.  Also apparently he is now just “Rusev.”  This means Vince thinks anyone named Alexander is a pussy, if you remember his “Antonio” logic.   They should just say “f-ck it” and replace Rusev’s entire head with Putin’s, which is what I’m doing this week.

PUTIN CRUSH.

PUTIN CRUSH.

It would be an improvement while we are trying so hard to repackage him already.

Stephanie McMahon interrupts Daniel Bryan's road head for this important announcement.

Stephanie McMahon interrupts Daniel Bryan's road head for this important announcement.

Stephanie, who was so eager to get Daniel Bryan to leave now tells Bryan if he leaves he is in breach of contract and she can take the belt from him… okay.  Bryan now has a match with Alberto Del Rio, who doesn’t seem near as festive as the Puerto Ricans did for Cinco De Mayo.  Long match ensues with a bit too much “Daniel Bryan is concerned for his wife” bullshit attached to it.  After what feels like a million years, Kane’s music and pyro hits once Daniel Bryan defeats Del Rio with the Yes Lock.  Brie & Bryan run and jump into their car making the rookie mistake of not first checking to see if Kane is in the back seat of their car.  In typical movie fashion the car doesn’t start.  Bryan tries to check the engine for problems and fixes it but Kane is predictably in the backseat and Brie is predictably too stupid to open the door and run.  Kane is apparently knocked off the car but sits right back up.  For some reason Bryan had to check on the body.  This is really corny.

3 AIN’T ENOUGH MAN, I NEED 5 – Big E comes out here to try to win back the Intercontinental title which he lost to this man last night.

Bad News Barrett has got some BAD NEWS for all of us.  JBL creams his pants in excitement.  Barrett says the deformed slobs in this audience might have been worthy of Big E but they need serious cosmetic surgery to be worthy of Bad News Barrett.  Lengthy rematch which ends in another bullhammer allowing Barrett to retain and this series to hopefully end as Barrett goes onto something new.

YES.  THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!  Mr. T tells us all about how much he loves his mother, which is what his ENTIRE Hall of Fame speech was about. 

Do you think Mr. T’s mom does anal?  Meanwhile back in the ringside area it is time for Zeb Colter to tell us all about people he wants deported.

I have a feeling this will lead to the Adam Rose debut as Adam Rose is NOT a real American.  Zeb says REAL AMERICANS do not celebrate Cinco De Mayo.  Zeb begins telling us that the immigrants in this country are making him sick. 

Zeb shows us his deportation list.  It’s brilliant.  Zeb begins crapping on everyone including Sheamus and Paige for being pale…

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…suddenly the Exotic Express are out here throwing their massive party.  The Party-goers infest the ringside area and out comes Adam Rose.  Zeb is entirely 100% disgusted by this.  It’s brilliant.  These are the same people Zeb was just chastising for being drunks.  JBL tells us he HATES Bunnies.  Zeb tells Adam Rose he needs to go. 

Adam tries to tell Zeb not to be a lemon but be a Rosebud.  Zeb directs Swagger to attack and he is tossed out of the ring.  The party invades the ring and Zeb is disoriented by this like he has the vertigo. These guys were totally about to roofie Zeb Colter in the middle of the ring.  This is the most disgusted JBL has been since the Miz, Sylvan Grenier and Vito were on Smackdown.  ‘

Our main event is the Shield vs. the Wyatts but my interest is weakened by “3 hour syndrome.”  Some RAWs just feel long and when they FEEL long you have very little interest or energy to give a main event event even if it’s a decent one which it was but I found myself wanting it to end.  I don’t have 3 hours to give anything unless it’s sex, which obviously I am not getting since I am sitting here recapping Monday Night RAW.  The end comes when as the Shield is about to put Bray Wyatt away with the Triple Powerbomb Evolution appears.

Looks like this feud isn’t quite done yet.  The Wyatts try to rush the Shield from behind.  Harper and Rowan are sent outside near Evolution.  Rollins jumps on top of all of them, Roman Superman Punches HHH, but Bray hits Sister Abigail on Roman for the pinfall victory.  After the match Evolution picks the scraps of the Shield. Reigns is then hit with a Triple Powerbomb.

BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION.  But where does this feud go from here?  Is there anything else that can be offered up in this feud?  I guess we’ll have to wait and see. 

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Oh, and here is Batista getting blown by Roman Reigns.  Melina is dead, long live the New Melina.