Recap: WWE NXT is Riv (May 15th, 2014)

I guess it’s time to do NXT. Sorry these don’t get cranked out as fast as they used to – truth be told it’s been busy for me, even my downtime is busy.  Here at the Palace of Rivdom it’s Busy Time, ALL THE TIME.

The Ascension is opening up this week’s NXT.  I wonder if they will face a legitimate team or a random team of two NXT no-names thrown together.  It’s two no-names, as usually though.

Here’s a guy who looks like a fat Chris Sabin with a hint of Deadbeat Husband in him, and another guy who was probably begging for change on the side of the road and DeMott offered him an NXT contract instead. These guys look like they want to kill themselves and I don’t blame them.  These guys are named Buddy Murphy and Elias Samson.  No.  Go away.  I think they book these guys just so that the crowd WANTS to see the Ascension kill them.  Buddy Murphy is dead. Cool. Don’t care.  William Regal points out the Ascension has not faced any credible opponents lately.  Thank you.  Finally someone on the commentary booth notices what I have noticed.  After the match Konnor gets the microphone – another thing that has been lacking on the Ascension is microphone time.  Konnor says they have laid waste to the entire NXT universe and Viktor adds they need something new to destroy prompting the appearance of El Local and Kalisto.  Local has the microphone.

The challenge is laid down and Kalisto begins chanting LUCHA.  El Local tells the Ascension to catch them if they can.  I like where this is going.  It’s a good idea to give El Local something to do other than be enhancement talent and the duo look good as a team.  If we’re not going to use Ricardo Rodriguez at least use El Local and make the most of it.  I approve.

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Veronica Lane interviews Sami Zayn backstage about potentially becoming the #1 contender tonight if he defeats both Tyler Breeze and Tyson Kidd tonight.  Lane sort of looks like a Goblin or a Skrull or something.  I prefer looking at Devin Taylor.  Sami Zayn says this is his chance to redeem himself for last year when he was unable to get the belt off Bo Dallas.  Standard babyface Zayn promo.  He’s competent on the microphone and that’s all we really need here. 

It’s time for Alexa Bliss and here really weird silly music and faerie gimmick.  This is a semi-finals match in the NXT title tournament and she is taking on Charlotte.  The Fairy Tale might be over tonight. 

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Christ almighty, I’d like to keep this faerie in a bottle like they do in Legend of Zelda and only let her out when I need something to wear as a hat for my dick.  Unfortunately for Bliss, Sasha Banks is at ringside during this match so she’s screwed seeing as she has to deal with both girls.  This should be a flexibility-fest for as long as it’s fair though.  Alexa is like a weird little spider-monkey.  The height contrast is also fun to watch.  Alexa sort of runs circles around Charlotte at first but as soon as Charlotte gets a hold of her everything changes.  The crowd gets tired of this match and Charlotte’s dominance.  She puts Alexa down with her Snapmare and advances to the finals.

Ugh.  I hate Mojo Rawley.  He doesn’t get cocaine, he stays cocaine.  This guy reminds me of all the big drugs – Cocaine, Meth, PCP.  Also someone has to be on drugs to have allowed him a contract.  Above all else he overuses the whole #BLESSED and #THANKFUL and #WWEPC tweets to the point that he allowed Kincaid Banten to be created from the darkest hearts of released men solely to mock his entire existence.

Check it out.  Yelling at kids while on a drug induced “hype” rampage.  This asshole is on NUKE from Robocop 2 and yelling at people.  Talk about family friendly entertainment.  Get rid of him.   In fact remake Robocop needs to come out here and shoot him point blank in the face.  I wonder… if Vince McMahon thinks names like Antonio and Alexander are for pussies, what does he think of the name “Mojo?”

Speaking of pussies here comes Aiden English.  I love his entrance and his ridiculous singing though.  Mojo begins overpowering Aiden English as soon as the match starts.  William Regal says he doesn’t want to see this happen to Aiden.  Mojo wins.  I really want to turn this show off.  If the triple threat wasn’t poised to be pretty awesome I would.  William Regal is offended that Mojo has won and so am I. 

Oh no, not this again.  At least he’s not wearing glasses, a bookbag, some flannel and all that other crap he had on.  He’s just dancing like a buffon.  Angelo Dawkins is almost at Mojo Rawley levels of annoying to me. 

At least the opponent is Big Cass which means we’re about to watch a black man with horrible dance moves get murdered.  However, since Colin Cassady is on his own I must ask – is Enzo Amore dead?  While Cassady kills the black guy with the awful gimmick, the white guy with the awful gimmick shows up in the crowd, CJ Parker, protesting NXT with his hippie signs that read things like NO XTRA TOXINS.  William Regal demands this hippie go away.  Regal says he wants to run up to him and punch him in the face – that’s how everybody feels. 

Please. Photoshop this to say other things.  Knock yourself out.  Cassady finishes Dawkins off.  CJ Parker went somewhere to smoke a doobie or something.

It’s time for JBL to take time out of his day to realize an egg can’t fly without wings or whatever and to realize dreams can come true… if you BOLIEVE.  Bo Dallas explains to JBL that he has letters from all over the world – the BOLIEVERS who want him to be in the match to determine the number one contender for the NXT title.  Bo Dallas says they have even called “The Bo Dallas Hotline” and he tells them it wouldn’t be fair – Bo Dallas says that if nothing is done these letters will come to his office as well.  JBL says to take his letters to CJ Parker so he can recycle them.  JBL says if Bo Dallas beats his next opponent, he will get a title shot but if Bo loses, he leaves NXT forever.  Bo asks who his opponent is.  JBL gives him five guesses, no less than five.  FIVE.  Bo Dallas hopes it’s John Cena but JBL explains the FIVE guesses means it’s Big E.  Bo is excited because he is undefeated against Big E.

It’s now time for the triple threat main event.  For some reason the crowd chants YOSHI TATSU at Tyson Kidd, Tyler Breeze and Sami Zayn.  What did anyone do to deserve that?  How much is Yoshi Tatsu paying these people to chant for him?  I expect a great match here.  The best thing for us is that any of these guys with Neville is going to be good.  Breeze almost gets an early win after he hits the beauty shot on Zayn but Tyson Kidd is able to break up the count.  Tyson German suplexes Zayn while he was trying to throw an Exploder Suplex on Breeze.  Everyone is down.

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There haven’t been this many Canadians down since South Park the Movie.  While Breeze is down Kidd locks in the Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring on Zayn only to be superkicked by Breeze who tries to go for a cover and only gets a 2 count.  The crowd chants an ALL THREE GUYS chant meaning many of them want to see a fatal four way which could be very interesting.  Kidd manages to hit an elbow drop on Breeze after dumping Sami Zayn outside.  Zayn isn’t able to break the count in time and Kidd manages to move onto Adrian Neville.  Zayn was literally half a second away from breaking up the count.  Again, either way we win with a good title match but now we have the story of what this does to Sami Zayn who was visibly pissed off.  I’m intrigued which means NXT did what it was supposed to this week.