As much as I parade around on my grand crusade against “all things stupid and gay as shit” in the world, I am not completely incorruptible – there is one game that has been my fatal flaw since I first played it on Gamecube:
Animal Crossing also known as the gayest game ever made. This is not my first rondo with the title as I reviewed this game in 2003 for the Gamecube and not much has changed. This game is still really ridiculously fruity to the point it’s difficult to play it without losing a lot of male self-respect. I mean really this is the most ridiculous thing ever and the game doesn’t even have an actual point or purpose to it. Oddly enough despite knowing this game is the gayest thing ever made (and addicting as crack-cocaine) I have played every rendition of it since.
When it came out on 3DS part of me was relieved I didn’t have a 3DS… until the tweets from other people I follow set in. Unfortunately peer pressure can be a bitch and as people in droves started to play Animal Crossing: New Leaf I found the old addiction setting in… due in part to the fact that the inclusion of your own personal character or “Mii” on the Wii version of the game allowed me to turn the once “cute and innocent” Nintendo game into a world full of Nazis, anti-Semitic remarks, and blatant racism.
That’s right. The protagonist of my Animal Crossing experiences is none other than Adolf Hitler, the most evil man ever born. I have to clarify I have nothing against the Jews. Not usually, anyway - sometimes the Flying Jew when he spoils movies or says something stupid. But if anyone here is angry I made a Hitler Mii, please know I didn’t actually create the Mii; it was sent to me by Marion and I had nothing to do with its creation. That’s right. I’m deflecting. The first rule of this website reads: “When in doubt, blame Marion.” The problem was I didn’t have a Nintendo 3DS, which means I went out and did the most irresponsible thing I’ve done in years: Bought a 3DSXL and Animal Crossing: New Leaf. I then filled out all of Nintendo’s warranty and registration information but I was very honest in filling out their surveys:
Shigeru Miyamoto is rolling in his grave and he’s not even dead yet. Only I could turn good clean family fun into something dark and perverse. It wouldn’t be the first time as I am an avid fan of playing Super Mario Kart under strip rules. Women always think they are the best Mario Kart players ever. Then you beat them and they end up naked and with your tongue in their vagina. That is the kind of world I wish I still lived in.
On June 12, 2013, Adolf became the mayor of The Oven. The reason I named my town “The Oven” is simply because Auschwitz did not fit by one letter and it is a pet peeve of mine to blatantly misspell something to make it fit inside a videogame. As someone who has played World of Warcraft, I really can’t stand all of the Blood Elves running around with names like Legoolas, and Legola, and all that shit. You couldn’t get the name “Legolas.” Get over it. Or at least come up with a clever pun. Assholes.
I decided to post on the bulletin board and immediately let these animals know that I am the boss here. This is the most important day of their digital, fictional lives. It is the day I have arrived to teach them how to hate. They will be the PG reflection of everything I am in the world. Bitter, jaded, and kind of creepy and weird. They will bow to me as their master and succumb to my will… or else.
I went ahead and donned the proper attire of covering myself in Swastikas at least until I can get Shampoodle’s open to actually give my Animal Crossing character the Hitler Mii mask. Obviously the Digital Gods were trying to play a trick on me, or make fun of my Puerto Rican ethnicity by reserving a house spot for a horse named “Papi.” This is blatantly racist and I will not tolerate Papi in my town for very long. He will become my nemesis. Mexicans. I bet he’s not even here in the Oven legally. I bet he doesn’t have papers.
I met Elvis today in another person’s town, I believe Cactus Chris’ town. From one dead guy to another he told me that everyone in town is kind of nervous about having me here which means one thing: Cactus Chris’ town is filled with a bunch of dirty Jews. Left the town immediately. Will return with the Final Solution to put an end to the spread of Judaism.
I figured the female cow in my town was a bit lonely so I started to turn my Bulletin Board into its own version of Craigslist with our good friend Bobby from the Black People Meet article. He likes jazz music, fedora hats, and glory holes.
Seriously how could anybody say no to a face like that?
It’s about time I started teaching the townspeople how to be the respectable type of citizens I expect from The Oven so I taught the female rhino how to tell people to nut on her. Mainly because with the whiteness on the tip of her nose it looks like someone has been doing so anyway. I suspect its Papi because we all know Mexicans can’t keep their dicks in their pants. That is why there are so many of them.
The Badge Man came to my town today. I suspect that he wants something in return for all these badges he is handing me, like Sodomy. I mean how the hell could I ever trust a grown animal who dresses like a Cub Scout leader mixed with Wilford Brimley? I am relatively sure he likes a side order of male anal with his Quaker oats in the morning. I’m out before he tells me “it’s the right thing to do.”
Update: Badge Man has been in my town for like five days. Apparently he won’t go away until he gives me all the badges. I am scared for my anus. I tried to buy a lock for my door but Tom Nook was an asshole and wouldn’t sell me one. I hate that guy.
Butch the Dog knows how to properly greet me. I am the Fuhrer and I will be addressed as such. Now if only he would wear the proper attire he would be SS like he belongs. I could always use dogs in my army. They are vicious and bite.
Curly the Pig is very eager to get revenge on the Jews. I assume it’s because of the fact Jews do not like pork. He eagerly awaits the Gassing of the Jew which if I had my way would replace the Bug Hunt in my town.
Patty asked for my permission to burn Anne Frank today. I’m pretty sure Butch the Dog wanted to get it in a couple of times before then, but Patty is so eager. How could I say no? Patty, you have my permission to torch the bitch. Look for her in my attic.
I’m pretty sure Kapp’n was an edgy musician at one time but just like the rest of the world he became a giant pussy. The fact he is flat out telling me he censors his song lyrics proves it. Hey man, just stop singing and bring me to the goddamn island already. Dick.
Kapp’n annoyed me with another song on the way back to the island about how he wanted to join the NXT roster but he loves semen too much. Wait, doesn’t that mean you’ll fit right in? I heard some of the most popular wrestlers and divas in wrestling had to swallow big loads to get where they are.
Charlise the Bear moved into town today. She showered me with compliments. I think she will make a fine Nazi. Anyone who can mindlessly worship me without question is the type of person I need more of in my life.
Another townsperson converted. So far Francine is the most human looking of the types and I think I will make her the Eva Braun of The Oven if she will have me. How could she say no to a man like me?
Papi, once my greatest foe has started to fall in line. The steed wants nothing more than Lightning War, or Blitzkrieg as it is known. It took him long enough to see that my way was the right way and the only way. He would almost be my new second-in-command if not for THIS GUY:
Beardo moved in today. He has a glorious mustache, and no pants, as well as big bushy pubic hair that is exposed at all times. He also comes off as a bit intellectual but insanely creepy so there is no doubt that this man will be my General, my second in command in charge of keeping everyone in line. We will be good friends. Even if he looks like he drives a panel van.
Kapp’n sung me a song about being Johnny Landin today. I just wish Kapp’n would shut the f--k up.
Merengue propositioned me for sex today. I think her horniness is becoming a problem if only that I don’t want to have sex with a rhino. I told her we were “just friends.” I think she took it rather well. She did ask Beardo to sit on her face and they went inside though, so I have to thank him for being her rebound and my wingman. Thanks, buddy!
Update: Apparently Beardo nutted on Merengue so much they created a giant “Nut Sundae” Lamp. I purchased it as it will make a great addition to my home collection.
Able Sisters allowed me to throw some patterns up in their store. I’m hoping that I encourage everyone to wear this uniform. In fact anyone who doesn’t will be told to leave my town if they ask me if I want them to move away. People who don’t wear the shirt are unwelcome here. Except Beardo because he’s cool.
Update: Patty immediately bought a shirt. I will remember this when it comes time to purge and leave her home undisturbed.
Francine Heiled me… she wants the dick because she said she wants to come over and see my house.
Update: Francine REALLY likes my cooking. Served her up a dinner of Roasted Anne Frank remains. We had conversations about my struggling art career and my plans for a stronger town where only the chosen few can truly live. She digs it. I’ve got this in the bag. I bet all this shit is making her wet.
Update: Got on the bed red for Francine to take my huge dictator loads. She just stood there and didn’t get on the bed with me. Moderately disappointed. I thought rabbit people were supposed to have high sex drives. I am the Mayor. She should have to suck my dick. It is a rite of passage.
My town got its period today as Flo moved from Asstopia, town. I don’t like her because she reminds me of menstruation.
Ran into Francine at Able Sisters today. It was… awkward. I was polite but after she shot down my plans for intercourse I don’t know if things will ever be the same between us again. We simply cannot be friends. The hurt is too much.
Merengue heard about me and Francine and desperately tried to play rebound. Apparently Beardo is a “swinger” and will let her bang whoever she wants. That’s all fine and good but I don’t share holes and she comes off as desperate for Fuhrer Dick. Not a fan.
Charlise also heard about the breakup (well, I guess it’s not a breakup since Francine and I were never an item, although in the Motherland if you eat a man’s cooking you are his wife), but she is tall… and green. I just don’t do green people. It’s my preference. I think I need some time to digest all this.
Found out today that Reese who works at the Recycling Center is a Satanist. Not sure if this helps or harms my cause. I probably should have expected it just judging by her looks.
Had a long discussion with my adviser, John Bazman, and I decided today that the best way to keep these unruly townspeople in line is to apply the Final Solution. Administered Zyklon-B all over town. Wore my gas mask for safety. That’ll learn them.
UPDATE: Dug graves for anyone who might die of gas inhalation. I hope Beardo survives. I probably should have warned him before launching gas into the atmosphere.
UPDATE: The animals are immune to gas. Shit.
Patty offered to suck my balls today. She’s also removed her Nazi shirt, so that’s a deal breaker. I want her gone. She wasn’t too pleased when I informed her that she would NOT in fact be sucking my balls. Besides, that’s how you get Mad Cow Disease.
Visited Merengue today who propositioned me yet again. I don’t know what to do about her. Maybe if I give her sex she’ll stop harassing me but also what happens if she gets clingier? Is Merengue worth a pity lay? I decline. I just cannot do this right now. Besides, Shampoodle’s is open.
Merengue really digs the new look. And once again asked to be nut on, on a moonlit night at the beach. Finally gave in and let her suck my dick. Considered getting it in her eyes so she’d never ask me again. Not a word of this to anyone, Merengue. I don’t even want to be seen in public with you.
\A dirty sexual deviant that used to perform illicit acts on stage known as “Shrunk” (I assume because he has a tiny penis) is in town to open up a club called Club LOL. That’s the stupidest f--king name ever but we need some entertainment around here so people will stop asking me to have sexual intercourse with them, so I told him he could build here. He apparently is also starving and willing to suck dick for cheeseburger, or at least tell really bad jokes. I may bring him some fruit but he can keep the oral to himself. I’ve had enough of that for one cartridge.
UPDATE: Fed Shrunk. He offered me a lap-dance. What a creep.
The penguin came to my house and saw my effeminate bedroom. She then proceeded to make fun of me.
“Fits my personality,” she says? What does that mean? I’m insulted. I threw pencils at her and told her to leave my sight. She’s going to have to be eliminated now. Nobody gets to see my shame and live!
I’m the only one at the club tonight. Apparently nobody wants to be around me because my bedroom is “gay.” The Happy Room Academy sent me a letter which simply read “You’re a faggot.” Screw them. I don’t need them to party. I did my Nazi Hitler Salute dance. I think K.K. Slider is impressed because he played my Titantron on the screen. Cool dude.
The café finally opened. Brewster doesn’t talk much, has a cool mustache, is a sharp dresser and makes some damn good coffee. He is everything I look for in a person. I think me, him and Beardo could begin a New World Order. I will have to look into it. I’m worried the Reset Center is a threat to my occupation of the Oven due to the fact it is basically a bomb shelter. Going to have to shut that place down.
Someone tried to assassinate me today by placing a Pitfall Seed in my path. There is clearly a traitor among us sent her by Stalin to undermine my authority.
Was really upset about that assassination attempt. Foolishly I cried on the shoulders of Merengue who gave me another seaside blowjob. I’m still going to deny it in public though. What would everybody think?
I won’t admit to letting Merengue blow me in public but I will openly buy cute little dollies for my bedroom. That’s how embarrassing fooling around with Merengue really is. The cute little dolly probably gives better blowjobs too.
Merengue told Charlise she sucked my dick. It’s over. I’m ruined. I’ll always be known as that dictator that nutted on the Rhino.
Cut down a tree to plant some more fruit today. After Merengue embarrassed me in front of everyone I figured that I needed to become one with Nature. Someone planted a deadly beehive in the tree I cut down and I got stung. It must be another attempt by that asshole Stalin to embarrass me because I have a better mustache than him. I need to end his ass.
A guy named Flip camped out in town today. Apparently he was a slave wherever he was from and ran away from his cruel masters to come visit. I could have offered him asylum in this town but I find him disgusting and once you let one monkey move into town they all do. I returned him to his cruel masters who beat him unmercifully. They said they were going to sell Flip to the LaQuint-Dickey Mining Company and make him crush big rocks into little rocks all day until he dies. I like the cut of their jib. I offered them some coffee from Brewster’s.
Completed work on the “Really Big Chair” project today. I showed the town my project and they all made stupid faces and laughed at me like I was Carrie at prom. It turns out this Merengue thing is all over town now. I don’t get why they don’t make fun of Beardo when he is the one who put his bear dick her. I’m really upset. Went back to my home to cry.
I’ve been really depressed. Purchased a Bowflex at Nook’s today. Thinking of hanging myself from it like Chris Benoit did and ending it all.
Saw Shrunk shove an entire gyroid up his ass on stage and decided life was worth living because it could always be worse: I could be sticking gyroids up my ass so people would feed me fruit. What a sick asshole that guy is. I kind of just wish K.K. Slider would perform acoustically in town in the coffee shop again so that I wouldn’t have to keep doing business with a man like that.
Shrunk made a joke about that dead Corey Monteith from Glee kid. I admit I laughed. A lot. Maybe he’s not so bad after all. Besides it’s not like it was one of the LARGE gyroids that he shoved up his ass on stage. Maybe he was just experimenting.
Went to Beardo’s today because he had to talk to me about something. Apparently he kissed Merengue after I nut in her mouth and he got to taste my semen. Not sure if this makes him gay or makes me gay. I’m going to say “him” because I didn’t actually touch dick or drink semen. Joke’s on you, pal.
Walked in on the owl masturbating upstairs in the museum. That’s pretty sick. She then tried to give me a long explanation about museum exhibits and podiums to try to change the subject. What I have seen and heard cannot be unseen. I’ll probably just avoid her from now on.
Took a massive shit today. Spent most of the day on the toilet. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted any food from Papi. That Mexican cunt.
Called INS and had Papi deported for what his burrito did to my intestines. He was quickly replaced by Eunice, a sheep that looks like an illegal immigrant escaping Russia. I figure that I will use her for her secrets and find out the best way to get back at that scumbag Stalin. I swear I am going to sneak into his house at night and shave his mustache. That will cause him to lose his entire power base.
Speaking of Stalin I found out Patty was the traitor today and shoved her right into a pitfall and then proceeded to gloat as she pleaded for help. Then I made her do the thing she wanted to do in the first place: SUCK MY BALLS. I then urinated in her face. That will be the last time this bitch ever messes with Adolf Hitler.
Shared a tender moment with Flo today. She informed me that because she is Flo and she is always on her period that she thoroughly enjoys anal sex which is what the A on her shirt stands for. If she weren’t a fat penguin I might consider it but the last time I did charity work or pity sex it didn’t end so well.
K.K. Slider just recorded K.K. Milonga and wore a Hitler mustache while he did.
That guy is definitely going places.
Bought myself Papa Panda today… mainly because I can. Nobody is going to set foot in my bedroom or make fun of me anymore with this guard dog in there.
UPDATE: Papa Panda isn’t an actual bear and is a stuffed animal. The animals stormed my house and saw how gay my bedroom is along with my assortment of women’s clothing that is really hard to explain I think I’m screwed this time.
Screw it. Why deny what I am? I can put on a dress and feel freer than I have in ages. Finally Hitler is free to let his nuts all hang out under this dress. Not to mention, I don’t have to wear pants or underwear! This is the most liberated (and liberal the way the entire rest of the world went after I was defeated in World War II) I have felt in a long time. Free to do anything. Free to do everything. Free to wage war on everyone. This… this is the true meaning of Animal Crossing – to be a creepy cross-dresser and nobody questions it. Tyler Perry probably loves this.
…and even though people hate and fear me, even though they called me an evil man who started the Holocaust, even though they don’t like that I nutted on the face of a rhino, it all doesn’t matter because no matter how insane I am, Beardo is still my friend and that’s all that matters.
So this is it for this edition of Animal Crossing: Third Reich. If you liked it there may be more of the adventures of mini-sexually-repressed-mentally-insane-Hitler to come in the future. Unless… Animal Crossing gets dull and I stop checking it every day like what always happens to this game.