Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (May 12, 2014)

A lot of people watch the WWE RAW Pre-Show on the WWE Network.  I don’t.  It would cheapen RAW to have to watch a pre-show AND a post-show not to mention make it like 4 hours long and I don’t love wrestling that way.  I don’t love anyone that way – except maybe my family.  Plus I’d miss out on the last 10 minutes of NCIS: LA.

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I love watching the last few minutes of NCIS: LA because I usually wonder what this girl’s ass tastes like.  Seriously the last ten minutes of NCIS: LA is all you really need to watch of the show; it’s the part where usually people get killed, shot, stabbed, whatever.  Then it usually ends with Chris O’Donnell staring dumbfounded.

WWE Signature airs straight away which means nobody died this week!  Good job everyone on not dying!  Recaps from last week’s show remind us that Dean Ambrose had to defend the United States Championship in a 20 man over the top Battle Royal.  On top of Ambrose losing his belt to Sheamus thanks to this, the Shield were put into a match with the Wyatt Family and then jumped by Evolution before the match was even over.  Looks like Evolution plans to introduce the Shield to the Shovel.

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The Shield is in the ring to open the show up.  They’re not happy.  Dean Ambrose says that the Shield was laid out and it’s something you don’t see often and aren’t likely to see often in the future.  Ambrose says they’re still standing and Seth Rollins adds that they are not running from Evolution but TO Evolution and they want a rematch.  Seth Rollins says Evolution WAS really good but they’re not the group once were because they can’t evolve into what it takes to defeat the Shield.  That brings us to Reigns.  He isn’t much in the talking mood but after some prompting from Rollins, Reigns adds that a week ago they beat up his brothers, then they RKO’d him, Pedigreed him, powerbombed him, triple-powerbombed him… is that all?  Reigns says they’re going to teach Evolution into the concept of payback, and believe in the Shield and he’s going to teach them personally to believe in HIM.  Evolution is shown arriving in the backstage area.

HHH has a clipboard and some legal papers to sign but The Shield is making a bee-line to the back because they want to beat the crap out of these guys the second they see them and this ACTUALLY happens.  The Shield ambushes Evolution and begins beating the crap out of the Men’s Wearhouse. 

Thank you, RAW, for rehashing something we already saw on Smackdown.  Meanwhile RVD’s music hits.  I’ve always wondered why Van Dam’s matches usually come EARLY in the show.  Oftentimes when he was a full-time competitor on RAW, his match was always first.  Is he trying to finish the match and leave the arena before someone gives him a piss test?  We’re told he’s taking on Jack Swagger. 

We come back from commercials and Zeb Colter tells the crowd to shut up because he has to go through his deportation list.  Zeb says that his deportation list was the most important document since the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence.  He was rudely interrupted by Adam Rose who has now been added to the list along with his band of hippies and Rocky Horror Picture Show rejects.  Zeb says that a grown man who hangs out with a bunny has questionable morals.  Zeb demands Adam Rose keeps his distance.

Immediately this prompts Adam Rose and his party to come to ringside.  These guys clearly got into RVD’s stash earlier tonight.  Rose distracts Swagger.  JBL is having a conniption and wondering where the Oddities are and asking who these people are.  There’s a sailor in a fez, a black man in a sombrero and poncho, a Viking, a man who is dressed like a banana or a condom or something… and RVD has just kicked Swagger in the head and hit the Five-Star frog Splash for the win.

Paige is out here after a little promo video.  People have already forgotten AJ Lee exists.  That’s called trading up in the car business.

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Alicia Fox is not impressed.  She’s probably tired of jobbing to little white girls.  Alicia grabs a microphone before the match and says Paige has only been here 6 weeks and alienated the Divas locker room and something about her is not liked by the other Divas.  She doesn’t fit in, so get out.  Alicia cheap shots her and begins an assault.  Alicia is actually in control when the bell rings, and tilt-a-whirl backbreakers Paige then follows her to the floor.  Alicia is fired up.  This aggressive Alicia Fox is giving me an awkward boner right now.  Paige gets an upset, out of nowhere win on Alicia.  Props for the match making Alicia look good though.  Usually she just jobs out.  I like angry Alicia.  It’s hot.  Alicia throws a tantrum on the announce table. 

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She also stole JBL’s hat.  I’m enjoying this too much.  I feel like having a penis in her would be a good time for me right now.  I love feisty women.

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We’re shown the bad acting involved in Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella’s angle with Kane.  Can’t she just loo horrified without screaming and keep her mouth relatively shut like Miss Elizabeth used to?  Really.  I’ve seen better acting in low budget porn.  I heard Daniel Bryan is injured.  I’m injured too… by Brie Bella’s acting and ridiculous screams.  Daniel Bryan comes out here to cut a promo.  He basically points out how it’s been a great ride but he is severely injured and he needs neck surgery. That means the future of the championships is up in the air.  Supposedly at this time Twitter goes abuzz claiming Alicia Fox just quit the entire WWE, and then adding that most of the retards on the Internet believe the vacant title means that CM Punk is going to return to save us from Daniel Bryan’s title being vacant…

….anyone that says that should be executed. No, really.  Anyone that believes that needs to be prevented from breeding, or living in general as they are likely to be harmful to the entire world if left unchecked.  There needs to be a purge.  I miss when CM Punk’s fanbase wasn’t plagued with people who have all the intelligence level of Beliebers. 

Usos and Cena vs. the Wyatt Family is up next.  I really don’t see myself caring since it already happened on Smackdown.   Cena and the Usos win.

I didn’t pay attention because I was busy trying to convince Alicia Fox to do interracial porn with me.  Oh and Bray Wyatt said Cena has shown him in this match exactly what he needs to do next, follow the buzzards, etc.

Evolution make their way to the ring.  Orton and Batista are dressed to compete, and HHH is dressed to drink chardonnay and buy expensive hookers.  Orton says he is sick of the Shield and HHH says that he’s created something with the Shield and that’s why he’s fed the whole roster to them for so long but this has to end.  HHH says the Shield can have a rematch for the match they already won at Payback because this one means the “gloves are off.”  He talks about humbling Ambrose, ripping the wings off of Rollins and making sure Roman Reigns is never seen again.  Before HHH can finish talking the Shield ambushes Evolution a second time and begins destroying them.  Loved the fact the ambush came out of nowhere and I never saw it coming.  The crowd is fired up for it as well.  Good stuff.  I wonder what provisions we will have for their next match.  Batista says he has had enough and he wants a match with Reigns tonight one on one. 

Oh God no, Total Divas segment coming up.  Nikki Bella is in a one on one match. Nikki is now the favorite twin because her bad acting is limited to Total Divas and not “on-screen running from Kane” segments.  Nikki and Natalya are having a match with the other Total Divas looking on.  Apparently Natalya made a painting for Nikki on Total Divas and it was shitty so now Natalya wants to fight.  For some reason the Total Divas have cards with numbers on them.  I don’t really care about any of this.  Nikki wins.  I still don’t care.  Natalya gets mad at the loss and rips up Cameron’s number cards, then they get thrown in her face and most of the girls walk away while Nattie cries.  Yeah, this is stupid.

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Rybaxel is taking on Sheamus – well, one of them.  They look like dipshits or lawn gnomes or something in those hats.  Axel wins the match.  The losers?  All of us.  Sheamus is still face?  This is rather unfair.  After Sheamus makes Axel tap out, Ryback jumps Sheamus from behind.  Sheamus is fired up and we’re told now we have another one on one when we come back.  After a long boring match where I feel like God wants me to repent for my sins because it is so painful, Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick.  Too much face Sheamus.  Too much Rybaxel.  Overdose.

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OH LOOK!  MORE SHEAMUS.  OVERDOSE ON SHEAMUS TOO.  Meanwhile back at ringside Stephanie McMahon is making her way to the ring.

Are you sick of her yet?  Between her and Brie, and this Kane/Daniel Bryan thing I feel like my head is going to explode if I take much more of this.  Stephanie looks happy and Jerry Lawler implies she is likely overjoyed that Daniel Bryan is going to require neck surgery.   Stephanie says that the surgery proves that Daniel Bryan is NOT an A+ player and cannot pull through for these people and therefore she wants Bryan out here right now.  Instead she gets Kane dragging him to the ring like a corpse meaning he’s done more damage.  Kane walks away after dragging Bryan out here.   This of course leads to more bad Brie Bella acting... and ambulances.

My dog decides to watch RAW while I’m screwing with pool chemicals during commercials and recaps of nonsense which we just saw.  I come back to find Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango is halfway through.  Well, nice to see I didn’t miss anything of importance.  Although to be fair at least it’s not Fandango vs. Santino again.  Layla tries to interfere but gets caught in the apron, causing Fandango to try to help her and Dolph to hit the zig-zag for the victory.  Layla looks terrified like Fandango is going to beat her, or banish her, or whatever he did to Summer Rae.  I wish that he’d reveal he killed Summer and he’s going to kill Layla and go back to his creepy Johnny Curtis roots.

But instead he tells Layla that she has won his heart.  He does this in a creepy way, though, which gives me hope.  He sort of growls “I LOVE YOU” and the two make out.  JBL calls this revolting.  He hates this public display of affection. 

Oh no.  I don’t have disdain for Legends House like I have it for Total Divas but please don’t start mixing up WWE television with WWE wrestling – stop the pain. 

Hacksaw is interrupted by Lana.  There must be some mistake.  He is not a black man.  Lana reveals that this is because Hacksaw Jim Duggan represents America and just like England he is the laughing stock of the world and China has passed us and has the biggest economy in the world.  Cue PUTIN.JPG.

PUTIN.JPG has a better career than Zack Ryder does.  Hacksaw begins a USA chant to thwart Lana and she sends The Grimace out to destroy Hacksaw Jim Duggan. 

Duggan tries to take a stand but the power of McDonaldLand will be too much for him.  Lana demands Duggan beg for mercy from the Grimace lest he destroys him.

Hacksaw is about to be saved by Big E. but then Grimace sheds his Grimace suit to reveal he is Donald Sterling Without Cancer and evokes the magic spell of Level 14 Racism to kick Big E. so hard he lands in the Underground Railroad.  Maybe this is why Alicia quit.

…I then get told that Alicia quitting was a lie created by news sites for attention, so I guess there is hope that one day Rusev is going to squash Alicia, and also no hope for me to shoot interracial dogfart porn where I empty my nuts into her Kenyan-looking ass.

I care so little about Damien Sandow at this point I didn't even bother to get a clear photo of him.

I care so little about Damien Sandow at this point I didn't even bother to get a clear photo of him.

Sandow comes out here.  Apparently he had a break down on the pre-show and he’s about to do it again since some people like me would rather watch NCIS.  Sandow is angry about this all and is about to CM Punk himself by throwing some kind of “homemade explosive apparatus” but before he can even begin to talk—GOLDUST THEME.  So much for that.  Sandow now has to fight his former tag partner Cody Rhodes.  Rhodes is pissed off too.  These are two guys who both became Jannetty when their team split.  Team Rhodes Jobbers battles.  After a decent match Rhodes wins with the Disaster Kick proving that he is only slightly less Jannetty than Sandow.  Cody Rhodes celebrates.  Why?  That’s like acting like you had the best sex ever after jacking off sad and alone in your room!  …not that I… have ever… done such a thing.

Here is a Bray Wyatt promo.  After seeing Brie’s bad acting I hope the idea of Nikki getting double penetrated by the Wyatts never happens now.  Bray Wyatt realizes he wants a Last Man Standing match against John Cena next.  Okay, cool.  Win that, please.

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Roman Reigns is going to kill Batista now.  Maybe.  Who knows?  The one good thing about this Evolution vs. Shield business is you have no idea what exactly is going to happen next. 

You know it’s serious when HHH puts on his Mom jeans.   At some point in the battle of the Colossi Rollins and Ambrose take out HHH and Orton on the outside to ensure they do not get involved.  Reigns is firing up on the wounded animal but before he can go for the spear HHH pulls him out of the ring and tries to hit a pedigree but Rollins lunges at HHH.  The match gets thrown out and Rollins tosses Mom Jeans into the steel steps.  Evolution has the upper hand.  Batista is down in the corner, HHH is on the mat and Orton is taking a dump in a gym bag somewhere.  Suddenly Stephanie McMahon rallies the Brotherhood of Evil Heels, the Reserve Evolution to attack The Shield. Even though it looks like the Shield is in trouble, they manage to get chairs and start killing everyone they see.

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Suddenly mid-card heel guys just get smashed.  Heath Slater gets superman punched and it’s not even Kick a Ginger Day.  Ambrose hits the Dirty Deeds on Fandango so hard he thinks he’s back on NXT Season 5.  Ryback gets hit with a spear and a Triple Powerbomb.  Rollins curb-stomped somebody too.  The Shield stands victorious this week.

Evolution looks unhappy and HHH realizes he put on his Mom Jeans for nothing.  Good ending to a somewhat awkward and tiring RAW.  Glad I only have to do this once a week.