WWE NXT Is Riv (May 8, 2014)

I am way behind on my writing and thus my NXT recap.  You forgive me, right?  No?  …well screw you too then.  It’s been rough here.  No recap video for last week’s show – we just start off with the NXT intro (which I am not sure why Summer Rae is still in because she’s been “drafted to Total Divas”). 

How the mighty have fallen.

How the mighty have fallen.

We’re opening things up with the Australian Dancing Zombie (she moves so sad now), Emma.  She looks like she is in a mindless lurch here while doing her dancing.  At least she is back on NXT minus Santino, minus pink cobras, and minus dead audiences.  Emma is one of those people who gets called up and the mainstream audience didn’t care about and that’s a shame because she’s actually pretty good. 

Oh. Well… sucks to be you, Emma.  As I’ve said in previous recaps and on Asked Wrestling, the Sunday show we do covering the week of wrestling, Charlotte is being groomed for the NXT Women’s Championship, so Emma is pretty much screwed here.  Expect the debuting Alexa Bliss to also advance and defeat Alicia, since they’re not going to introduce a new Diva just to squash her upon debut (not to mention they won’t do a heel vs. heel match between Alicia and Charlotte).

At least there are only 2 commentators + Renee Young instead of 3 commentators + Renee Young.  When you have 3 guys all trying to get balls deep in Renee Young the entire time, it sort of ruins good commentary.  It wouldn’t even make a good porno since Renee Young is 6/10 at best.

Charlotte also has Sasha Banks in tow so expect Sasha to get involved in some way.  The bigger of the two women in the match, Charlotte, dominates and overpowers Emma in the early going.  Emma turns things around but not for long – in fact the match is almost all Charlotte, who goes for two pinfall attempts and then locks in a figure-4 headlock to Emma to try to wear her down.  Emma bridges out of it to try to pin Charlotte from it, but Charlotte breaks the pin attempt, breaks the hold and clotheslines Emma. 

Unfortunately once Emma gets offense in she decides to go for the “Pink Cobra.”  The life in the crowd is immediately drained.  You can almost feel their souls get sucked into the proverbial hell of Santino’s shitty gimmick.

Yeah she’s doomed.  By the way instead of hitting Charlotte with this stupid move she hits Sasha on the apron then gets rolled up for the 3.  Maybe if Emma stuck to submission holds, she’d be okay.  Instead she now has a finishing move the crowd loathes, and we have (as predicted) Charlotte advancing into the NXT Women’s Title tournament.

Emma looks disappointed wondering what happened to her career.  SANTINO HAPPENED.  Who the hell thought that was the best way to debut her on main WWE television anyway.  Since she lost this match that means we probably have at least 6 more weeks of Santino/Emma vs. Fandango/Layla in some form.  It’s basically Groundhog Day.

For some ungodly reason Sylvester LeFort and “some guy” have become La Resistance 2.0.  LeFort never WILL recover from losing Rusev to Lana.  Too bad because “slimy scumbag manager with ugly clothing” worked somewhat well for the guy.  Now he’s tagging with some guy named “Marcus Louis.”  They are the Legionnaires.  I am unimpressed other than the fact they have the same music as Glass Joe from Punch Out.

I would rather watch Glass Joe, to be honest.  Jason Albert makes a fake backstory while Renee reminds us she speaks French.  The opposing team consists of El Local (Ricardo Rodriguez), and Kalisto, who has only been seen so far one time at one of Adam Rose’s parties. 

This team actually looks more interesting automatically and solely due to being, you know, lucha guys.  It’s about time WWE did something with Rodriguez (other than the Spanish commentary team).  Also Kalisto is the former Samuray Del Sol.  Pretty sure the team of “Two Glass Joes” will get their asses handed to them because we need a babyface team that can compete against the Ascension.  Kalisto and El Local get the win with Kalisto making an impressive showing.  We go from actual Mexicans to…

…not actually a Mexican, Camacho.  They’ve taken everything from this man.  They took his 2nd generation pedigree and made him a Mexican.  Then they took his bike, they took his Hunico and now they’re going to sacrifice him to the Adam Rose Experience (which also did not take off as well as it should have on RAW, not unlike Emma). 

Tonight Camacho is facing “Captain Comic” from the Rosebuds, Adam Rose’s party goers.  I am laughing at the prospect more of his party goers may get in ring time such as the Bunny or the guy who dresses like a Viking.  This is actually somewhat hilarious.  I hope Camacho wipes his ass with this guy.  Camacho dropkicks the bejesus out of these guy as soon as the match starts and begins mafia stomping him.  Party is over.  Camacho drops this guy with a delay side suplex and delivers a legdrop across the sternum.  Camacho begins putting knots in Captain Comic’s head with his fists.  Camacho locks a clutch, and when Comic Man tries to fight out, he headbutts him and follows by delivering a Samoan Drop.  Camacho then decides to hit a running powerslam and puts an end to Captain Comic who I don’t believe will be back for a 2nd issue.  I hope Camacho runs the gauntlet and fights Adam Rose’s entire party.  Adam Rose rushes to the ring and chases Camacho out of the ring.

Camacho is pleased because he’s finally won one.  Look at that smile.  And look at those sad dweebs that look like future serial killers behind Camacho in the audience. 

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Here comes Alicia Fox to do what she does best.  Job.  It’s a shame that she’s the Brooklyn Brawler of the Divas division.  I do actually like looking at her. 

Alexa Bliss is out here next, debuting.  She’s like a fairy or a cheerleader or something.  She seems to be obsessed with Frozen (as is any female under the age of 25 for some ungodly reason), and she wears a lot of blue. 

Pretty sure she takes it in the dumper too.  Do with that information what you will.  She graduated from the school of bliss with a major in bedazzling, says the commentators.  Once she takes the stupid fairy skirt on and I get a better look at her body I must say “I’d hit it.”  At least she already has somewhat of a character, unlike when Emma and Bayley first debuted as “generic Joans.”  Bliss is VERY athletic and I’m really enjoying this. 

Gynmast/cheerleader/bodybuilder, says Renee Young.  She has a lot of credentials and a lot of flexibility.  Flexibility is good in the bedroom.  Alicia reverses some of this into a nasty backbreaker and snapmares Bliss to the mat then grounds her with a headlock and goes into a northern lights suplex.  Alicia doesn’t get the three and throws bliss into the corner to beat on her.  We’re told Bliss is only 5’1 which is kind of nuts as she doesn’t look that short – however us horny guys call that “FUN SIZE.”  Bliss begins spinning all over Alicia and manages to pin her to advance in this tournament.

Alicia’s about to kill herself a white bitch.  I doubt Bliss will win, despite a good showing, so expect Fox to somehow cost her in the semi-finals and continue a mini feud with her.  No chick makes that face without either plotting another bitch’s death or plotting cutting a man’s dick off in his sleep.

Backstage Adrian Neville is interviewed about tonight’s Battle Royal to determine a new #1 contender for the NXT championship.  Is it me or is WWE a little Battle Royal crazy?  Dean Ambrose had to defend his US Title in one earlier in the week (and lost it to Sheamus), and Wrestlemania and the “Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal” wasn’t that long ago.  Neville says he looks forward to the challenge and competition. 

YES!  DANNY BURCH!!!  DANNY BURCH SHOULD WIN THE BATTLE ROYAL.   A quick glance tells you which people won’t win this.  Mojo Rawley comes out to his entrance.  I swear if he wins this Battle Royal I am done with NXT.  Sami Zayn is out next.  Anyone with an entrance of their own on the show is likely to win.  Tyson Kidd sort of just rushes into this thing.  And finally… we see mountains.  We see beautiful skies.  We see sunsets.  We…

BO-LIEVE!!!  If Bo won this I would laugh uncontrollably.  Renee Young says Bo’s entrance is ridiculous and expresses disgust.  I wish Bo would impregnate her so she would have his babies – or are they “Bo-bies?”  Once Dallas arrives this Battle Royal begins.  COME ON DANNY BURCH!  I know he was fired and won’t win but in an alternate timeline Danny Burch wins the NXT title and becomes the face of NXT… which gives me a chance to preview of Danny Burch’s gimmick on THIS week’s episode of Asked Wrestling (we repackage him on the show every week).

In an alternate reality, Danny Burch presides over all alternate realities.  Oliver Grey is the first one eliminated in the Battle Royal.  He has also been eliminated from the roster.  Curt Hawkins is eliminated but still employed.  Hawkins is one of the most underrated guys on the roster.  The entire Battle Royal eliminates Brodus Clay together.  Aiden English eliminates #DANNYBURCH.  F—k you, Aiden English.  Aiden English is thrown out by Mason Ryan ON TOP of #DANNYBURCH.  IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS.  IT CAN’T END WITH AIDEN ENGLISH ON TOP OF YOU.  YOU NEED TO JOB OUT IN ONE MORE MATCH, DANNY!  I start to lose track of the eliminations.  Jason Jordan, who I used to mock earns a bit of my respect for getting rid of Mojo Rawley.  Bo Dallas eliminates Baron Corbin for not BO-LIEVING.  Yoshi Tatsu and Bo Dallas lock up and Bo Dallas gets rid of Yoshi Tatsu.  For some reason the crowd boos this.  Yoshi Tatsu has fans?  Bo manages to eliminate Mason Ryan next.  DON’T STOP BO-LIEVING.   Bo then eliminates Colin Cassady.  When Bo finally goes for Kidd he gets thrown out like a piece of garbage.  We’re down to Sami Zayn, Tyson Kidd, and Tyler Breeze.  The crowd chants “THANK YOU TYSON.”  How dare these blasphemers stop BOLIEVING?  HE GAVE THEM COOKIES!  Somehow all three of the remaining men go over the top rope but…

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…technically if you look at this, Tyler Breeze’s legs are still up in the air when the other two hit the ground, so for all legitimate intents and purposes he should have been declared the winner.  Of course we’re not going to do that, since the obvious spot was supposed to be everyone hitting the floor at once.  The referees argue amongst themselves.  The crowd chants for a Triple Threat and Triple H makes his way out where he informs us the Triple Threat will be made – all three men will wrestle on NXT next week to determine our new number one contender.  We come to a close with that.  At least it’ll be a great match – Kidd, Zayn and… the guy who usually only throws kicks.    We come to a close – strong showing from NXT this week so I’m hoping the trend continues into next week as well.