Upon playing more of the new remake of Mortal Kombat (for X-Box 360 and Playstation 3) in which the series was essentially rebooted from scratch and trying to beat the game with all the characters, I remembered one thing. While some of the kast of kharacters included some impressive designs and koncepts, there were some characters who absolutely sucked kock. I’m now going to look at some of the shit that was floating around at the bottom of Ed Boon’s toilet bowl that managed to get in the game throughout the years.
Mortal Kombat II
Mortal Kombat II is heavily regarded as possibly the best in the entire series. There was virtually no wasted potential here in this game and this is where the plot really came into its own. Characters were fresh, unique, and interesting. Mortal Kombat II was made up of 99% good ideas. That other 1%? Read below:
Killing off Goro in the storyline, the powers that be in Mortal Kombat decided that it would be best to create a new sub-boss along the same veins and thus we got Kintaro - another Shokan four-armed warrior but in a creepy take on Goro, Kintaro was basically Goro completely covered in tiger stripes and fur.
In other words the half-man half-dragon races f--ked a furry and this was the end result. Seriously, it reminds me of when fat chicks wear leopard print or tiger striped underwear. It wasn’t pretty.
Fans never really took Kintaro remotely seriously and demanded Goro come back, which eventually did happen, but not before several other animal-themed mistakes would take place. This is one instance where the developers "got it right the first time but never again."
From Mortal Kombat 3/Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3/Mortal Kombat Trilogy
This is where things got a little bizarre as Mortal Kombat tried to enter a post-apocalyptic world filled with technology, cyborg ninjas, and dimensional loopholes allowing the bad guys to win anyway. While pretty much every character in Mortal Kombat 3 would still become a series mainstay they opened themselves up to a few designs that no matter how many times we see them are still pretty weak.
A risky new character design (due to complaints it might be a little racially insensitive), Nightwolf is the first and only Native American in the Mortal Kombat franchise and as if Street Fighter’s Thunder Hawk wasn’t stereotypical enough, Nightwolf dresses like a cross between the 1980s WWF wrestler the Ultimate Warrior and a gay biker, creates energy tomahawks and arrows, is (naturally) obsessed with spirit wolves, and his rather unoriginal story involves land that rightfully belonged to Native Americans. If this guy were any more stereotypical he’d own a casino or two as well and be really good at BINGO.
Nightwolf has never had a strong story with his plots mostly involving his land, the wolf spirits, or Raiden telling him what to do. He was also responsible for “Animalities” in the truly horrible Mortal Kombat: Annihilation feature film, and has some of the least fanfare in the series.
Personally I’d rather they put Chief Bromden from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in his hospital gown and broom in the game. He actually looks more imposing than a guy whose original fatality was having his opponent taken away in a goddamn beam of light.
The only reason the dead opponent is screaming is because they died in the stupidest way possible, beamed up by Mr. Scott. So, he’s a f--king member of the USS Enterprise too? Get this Pocahontas-looking motherf--ker the hell off my screen.
Stryker’s story was he was just a cop who happened to be trying to maintain order while Shao Kahn was taking over the Earth and Raiden up and randomly decided he was one of Earth’s chosen. Pay attention kids, this is what happens when Thunder Gods take drugs. Maybe he hit some sort of energy peace pipe created by Nightwolf which would explain why both characters suck all levels of ass.
For some reason he was brought back later in the series wearing a f--king scuba suit for no discernible reason whatsoever. Maybe someone tried to drown him so he’d go away. Truth be told Kurtis Stryker was the original name for the character that would become Jax, Boon and Tobias had a hard-on for the name and just wanted a character they could slap the name on. Unfortunately it became this waste of space. Needless to say nobody missed him when he was gone from the game in Mortal Kombat, IV, V, or VI.
Kurtis Stryker would gain more popularity than he had ever seen before when someone on the Internet used his character to emulate the shooting of Trayvon Martin at the hands of George Zimmerman. Personally, Zimmerman probably has more business being a Mortal Kombat character than Kurtis Stryker does.
More shitty sub-bosses that aren’t Goro! Motaro is a Centaur and this was the developer’s idea to make Centaur a rival race to the Shokan citing the failure of both Goro and Kintaro. Instead we get truly the lamest Mortal Kombat sub-boss ever, a character so downright disgraceful that they attempted to NOT have him in the game even when Mortal Kombat Armageddon was created and touted having “every fighter in the series.” Ultimately they opted to put a curse on the centaur to make them have two legs, which invalidates the entire centaur thing anyway and made the guy suck even worse.
Motaro wasn’t even brought back for the re-imagining of Mortal Kombat other than a cinema scene where he’s revealed to be dead which actually made people playing at home stand up and cheer. Chances are if you suck so bad that Kintaro looks like Goro in comparison you’re a true piece of shit.
Rain existing is pretty much the point where many felt Mortal Kombat’s grotesque use of palette swapped ninjas jumped the shark. The problem wasn’t just the fact that rain was a pastel-purple male ninja. It was the fact that of all the ninjas created he was the absolute weakest in story. “Oh he happens to be a traitor from the world Kitana and Sindel come from.” Ok? Who cares! At the point rain debuted people were pretty much tired of all the swap ninjas and I don’t think anyone made much of a point to pick him, master him, or use him in any way. The purple ninja is named Rain... a Prince reference in Mortal Kombat? Yep. That’s not gay at all. How long before we get a ninja character named “The Party Man?”
Mortal Kombat IV
This is where Ed Boon and company really just started running out of ideas entirely. Mortal Kombat IV was the first next-gen Mortal Kombat game on the Playstation and Nintendo 64 consoles, and with the story progressing past the Mortal Kombat Trilogy they wanted to introduce new characters and a new villain while putting some of the older characters on the sidelines. This ended up going badly for them which caused them to release Mortal Kombat Gold which featured the return of several omitted characters. Still Mortal Kombat IV is regarded by many as the low point of the entire series and given some of the characters it’s pretty justified.
Mortal Kombat IV decided to make all-new characters instead of use ones made popular from Mortal Kombat’s first three games and as a result this ugly motherf--ker was born. Jarek pretty much has the same moves and fatality as Kano. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever because Jarek doesn’t have a cybernetic eye to shoot lasers from yet he does anyway.
And what’s with that design? He looks like a faggotty version of Aladdin in his ugly little vest with no shirt on. Hell, the son of a bitch even has the same story because he’s the second-in-command of the Black Dragon, Kano’s criminal gang. Regarded as one of the biggest pieces of shit in the Mortal Kombat series he only returned in Mortal Kombat: Armageddon for completion purposes and I don’t think anyone ever wants to see him again or would willingly choose him over Kano.
Jarek is one letter away from Jared as in Jared Fogle, who is probably a more intimidating character because he’s not a Kano rip-off and could probably choke you the f--k out with his fat pants.
This guy’s story is pretty much that he’s Black Liu Kang. Unfortunately he looks more like the White Lotus Temple Janitor and I feel it’s really stupid when they put in “random black guy with shitty storyline” in any game. If there was a purpose fine, but it’s highly irritating when they add characters just to have “racial diversity” in something. Kai is basically an affirmative action character with no real purpose whatsoever. Storyline-wise Raiden eventually gives Kai his staff on his journey of enlightenment. Truthfully he probably stole it. He helps Liu Kang fight his battle against Shinnok which basically is the same exact thing Kung Lao did in Mortal Kombat II & III (except replace Shinnok with Shao Kahn). Essentially the most bland bastard created considering that they already had much better representations of black guys in Jax and Cyrax there’s pretty much no point to this guy’s existence.
Meat is a secret alternate costume for all the fighters in MK4 where you pretty much just play as a skeleton with organs. It sounds cool in theory but when they actually tried to canonize an existence for Meat everything went to hell where they said he was an experiment by Shang Tsung that escaped before completion. In his ending in Armageddon he gains the power to shape-shift and then lost his sense of identity and faded into obscurity. Ok... so what was the point? Absolutely nothing. This guy makes Nightwolf and Stryker seem like the most important characters in the universe by comparison. Much like the actual character there’s no point in talking about Meat as even if I tried to diss him it wouldn’t be interesting at all.
Reiko was an attempt to take a slant on the color-swapped ninjas of the previous Mortal Kombat games and so while he wears their outfits he actually has an unmasked face. Unfortunately he looks like some upper middle class white family’s Dad, who had a mid-life crisis and started to cosplay as MK ninjas. Reiko’s story was that he was a general for Shao Kahn’s forces and then a general for Shinnok’s forces, and when Shinnok went away he became a general for Shao Kahn’s forces again. Personally I don’t want my generals looking like Danny Tanner from Full House but what the hell do I know?
In Reiko’s controversial ending he puts on the Shao Kahn helmet which led people to believe perhaps Reiko is secretly Shao Kahn. This was worsened by the fact the Gameboy developers of Mortal Kombat didn’t clear it with Boon and speficially wrote that Reiko WAS Shao Kahn.
I can imagine Boon’s reaction when he found this out as he probably racked his brain thinking “what do I do? I just turned the most evil guy in Mortal Kombat into some chump ass faggot, how do I fix this?” Eventually the weak excuse was given that Reiko likes to dress like Shao Kahn for no discernable reason other than it makes him feel sexy.
Oh and to add to the pathetic garbage that is this character “Reiko” is a f--king Japanese girl name.
Fortunately it seems girls named Reiko suck as much cock as the Mortal Kombat character, but the difference is they look way better doing it.
The “new bad guy” introduced in Mortal Kombat IV, Shinnok was meant to be the primary antagonist from that point over. He rules hell, Quan Chi and Noob Saibot among many others serve him, and he’s a former Elder God (those guys that boss Raiden around), who fell from grace. Essentially he’s Satan. You’d think that would make for a pretty bad-ass character design, right?
Wrong, Shinnok essentially has blueish-purple skin (the love-child of Grimace from McDonalds and Smurfette), and wears a bunch of really ugly coats and long priest robes. He basically looks like an Elf from the f--king World of Warcraft. That’s right. Black shadow ninjas, evil sorcerers, demons, oni, and the like... serve this f--king douche. My father in his underwear walking around scratching his ass at 4 a.m. on the way to the kitchen is a more menacing and imposing force than Shinnok.
Shinnok bombed so bad that by the fifth game they simply brought Shao Kahn back and claimed that he never really died then had him get screwed over by Shang Tsung and Quan Chi (after Quan Chi ditched his goony Uncle Fester wanna-be costume that if he had kept would certainly have put him on this very list). The worst part about Shinnok is he’s such a huge part of Quan Chi and Noob Saibot’s storylines that he will never truly f--k off.
Mortal Kombat V: Deadly Alliance
This is where the series tried to resurrect itself on the Playstation 2 and Microsoft X-Box. In a bold move, new characters were mixed with old, but the main hero of the series, Liu Kang is murdered in the intro & Shang Tsung and Quan Chi who have taken over Outworld together after their civil union. While some characters were acceptable and passable such as the Blind Kenshi or the “female counterpart” to Sub-Zero known as Frost, other characters that were made an in attempt to introduce new storylines failed miserably.
Blaze is an outworld elemental that was kidnapped by a cult to protect the egg of the Dragon King Ona’ga. He’s based on a random graphic of Liu Kang fighting a Liu Kang that was “on fire” in the background of the Pit in Mortal Kombat II, which is proof sometimes the things you add in the background should not come to the foreground. Somehow despite having a weak name, a weak origin, looking like the Human Torch minus any sort of charisma, this guy also ended up getting a “roided up “ design and being the “final boss” of Mortal Kombat Armageddon.
Bo Rai Cho
Bo Rai Cho is the first truly “out of shape” Mortal Kombat character. He’s a fat slob who looks like a mountain dwarf, that uses a bo staff, and trained Liu Kang despite being from Outworld. Go figure the only actual human being from Outworld is a fat sack of shit whose moves include vomiting on the floor. I’ve always wanted to play as porn-star Ron Jeremy in Mortal Kombat.
Bo’s name is a take on the Spanish word for drunk, “boracho” and I believe the developers must have been drunk when they thought he was a good idea. Plus do the earth’s warriors need any more guidance? I thought that is what Raiden was for. This guy is a total slob.
Are you f--king kidding me? We have an overgrown Chinese guy with a cybernetic heart, Fu Man Chu mustache and a green communist hat on? This guy almost makes Bo Rai Cho look passable. Hsu Hao’s story is that he pretended to be on the side of Jax and Sonya but was secretly an agent of the Red Dragon criminal organization which are rivals and enemies of Kano’s Black Dragon organization. Did we really need to add another faction in here to begin with? And how are we supposed to believe the Red Dragon is menacing and terrifying when they have guys like this running around? This guy almost makes Jarek look cool.
If you thought Hsu Hao was bad, his boss, Mavado is even worse. This guy is basically just a random generic Asian guy with Kabal’s swords. And boring. At least Hsu Hao tries by putting on a silly little hat. Red Dragon clan is supposed to be all big and bad and yet this guy leaves a taste in my mouth more bland than Grape Nuts cereal.
I know Mortal Kombat was desperate for new villains but “random rice picker with hookswords” really isn’t giving much to the fanbase. They could have put an evil gardener or an angry hair stylist in who would have probably had more impact than this guy.
Mokap is pretty much the absolute worst. Wearing a motion capture outfit with a bunch of little lights on it looking like someone got raped by a Christmas tree, Mokap was a random pointless martial arts teacher in Chicago who got brought in by Johnny Cage to help him do motion capture work on his new movie, Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. In his story he knows the Crane and Snake styles yet uses neither which tells us that the developers didn’t even bother to go correct and re-edit the story that was put in for him. By Armageddon he has telekinetic powers for no explainable reason as well and in the end is blown up in the final battle who ends up becoming a constellation (well no shit, he’s wearing f--king lights). Personally anyone who thought he was a good idea should be blown up too.
We already have ninjas, robots, centaurs, four-armed men, evil wizards, deformed mutants, demons, and reptiles. So now we add VAMPIRES to the mix? Aside from this just being lame on that alone, her story is that her vampire realm got merged with Outworld and she’s trying to un-merge it. So basically she’s trying to do what Kitana and Jade are with her world. Most of her plot involves manipulating Cyrax and Reptile to do her dirty work. The fact that two pretty bad-ass characters are easily manipulated by the most boring pair of tits in Mortal Kombat, there’s nothing to see here but shame.
Mortal Kombat VI: Deception
As usual public outcry meant that a lot of decent characters were not in the previous title, so using the same engine, Mortal Kombat: Deception was released, again trying to further the plot, get further away from Shao Kahn as a central villain, bring back a few long missing characters and once again add all-new ones in hopes that the public could endear themselves to new faces and heroes. Sadly this is also where some of the absolute worst of the lot came in actually making the weaker characters of MK4 and 5 seem half-way decent by comparison. It is as if the character designers just gave up on life and were too depressed to come up with anything halfway decent by this point in the game. As a result Deception met with criticism and is regarded as yet another lackluster Mortal Kombat title.
Ashrah is a demon from the Netherrealm who found a blessed blade that turned her into a more humanoid form and allowed her to turn into a pretty little old-fashioned Chinese attractive woman the more she slew demons thus ending Raiden’s monopoly on Chinese rice-picker hats. She now hunts other demons believing if she slays them all she will be purified. The ugly truth is her sword is a mystic vampire and demon slaying weapon that corrupts the wielder even further making them believe that they are using it for a great purpose when all they are doing is committing genocide. On top of that she’s the most dressed female in Mortal Kombat to which I can answer only with: “Show your tits or GTFO.” Fortunately since she does not appear in the new Mortal Kombat I can only hope she “got the f--k out” and is never put back in.
Dairou is a random ugly bald boring bland guy from the Order Realm who was imprisoned for killing a man who killed his family. Shit happens. He’s now a mercenary hired by Darrius (whom you will see later on this list), to kill the lead general of Order Realm and steal the constitution of Order Realm. Okay... if you’re some chaotic motherf--kers, why don’t you just f--king leave Order Realm? No matter what you cause that shit will just go back into order.
This guy is uglier than the time I had to see a fake nude photo of Luis Guzman.
Dairou basically looks like a goddamn Albino Klingon. There’s not one single cool point that can be given to his character design whatsoever. The guy looks like he should be selling women’s shoes, not competing in Mortal Kombat. The whole Order-Realm story arc he is a part of is lackluster in and of itself.
Hey, man. Morpheus and Blade called and they want their f--kin’ shit back. Oh, and Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish, too, whose real name happens to BE Darrius. This guy is a yet another boring black affirmative action guy with bad fashion sense who wants to have the realm of Order torn down for some sort of revolution although it makes no sense as to why or what f--king purpose he has for doing so other than the fact he is apparently an angry black man who feels he is being oppressed (this is actually part of his story). Did we not learn that random black guy with no real purpose didn’t work in Mortal Kombat IV? Since there’s already at least three other Order & Chaos story arc characters in the game his appearance is a bit f--king excessive since he hired at least ONE of those other characters to do his dirty work FOR him.
Okay.... alternate blaxploitation martial arts costume? That’s enough out of you. This guy is so bad I bet all the computers they have his character stored on recognized him as a virus and forced him into the Quarantine or the Recycle Bin for permanent deletion... I can only hope.
She’s part of the new Black Dragon with Kabal and Kobra (wait, KKK?). She’s highly generic and was given a combination of Sonya and Kano’s moves since they were not included in the game. Basically every female post-apocalyptic bandit ever that isn’t a bull-dyke resembles her. Other than the fact dark red hair and big tits are hot and go well together there’s basically no reason for her existence other than being the rape-child of Kano and Sonya. That’s not part of the story, though.
...not yet anyway.
Oh look, it’s Ken from Street Fighter II! Hi, Ken. Kobra is basically a guy who started beating up street thugs until he got such a boner from it that he became a serial killer. Kabal and Kira saved him from being arrested in hopes he would join the Black Dragon. All I can really say about this guy is his second costume which is a straight up rip from the Cobra Kai from the Karate Kid is the only cool thing about him. Generic, bland, and boring and if I want to play as Ken from Street Fighter II, I will play Street Fighter II, not play as this pale imitation of him in Mortal Kombat. Plus everything this guy does Johnny Cage does better and with more style. At this point I feel that the developers of Mortal Kombat were really just scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel and this is the scummy moss that was left at the very bottom.
I love Mortal Kombat. It's a pretty bad-ass franchise and one of my favorites. But the moral of this story is that you can’t have good without bad. And sometimes it's the bad that makes you truly appreciate the good in life. Sometimes you go through Hell to get to Heaven. And take it from me because I’ve gone through hell... I’ve played though the ENTIRE Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero… but that is a different story for a different day.