WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv - (April 7th, 2014)

Time to get back to basics and what better way to do that than with my recaps?  But this isn’t a recap.  A friend, Cactus Chris, reminded me that ANYONE can recap.  What I do is called “RAW is Riv.”  It’s not results.  It’s my whole point of view of what’s going on with the show.  It’s my attitude that carries this thing.  I make it my own and for the longest time I’ve been on auto pilot.  It’s time to get back to being the best at what I do.  So let’s get to it.  Hopefully you enjoy it.

First of all, Wrestlemania 30 was last night and we have a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion in Daniel Bryan who overcame all odds but his victory might be completely overshadowed by the fact that DING DONG THE STREAK IS DEAD. The Undertaker has been defeated at Wrestlemania.  21-1 and Brock Lesnar is the man who got it done.  One man has been made famous through this.  One man has cemented his legacy for years to come.  One man will go down in history for this event taking place…

This guy has become more famous than Brock Lesnar thanks to the end of The Streak. 

This guy has become more famous than Brock Lesnar thanks to the end of The Streak. 

…black “Undertaker Lost” reaction face guy who shows up on my Twitter feed legitimately every 30 seconds. Seriously, this guy is getting more credit for 21-1 than Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are.  Let’s see what happens tonight when the Undertaker is expected to retire.

This guy looks how I've been feeling lately.

This guy looks how I've been feeling lately.

But first let’s get through the last few moments of NCIS: LA and Chris O’Donnell’s serious face.  He looks like he wants to kill himself.  Maybe he realized how crappy Batman & Robin really was in this moment.  Who knows?  Anyway get the hell out of here.  It’s time for RAW.  Video packages explain to us the events of Wrestlemania.  They’re the same video packages from last night, which I can understand when there seems to be so much work put into them.  Surprisingly there is no acknowledgement of the Undertaker’s loss but my guess is they want to hype the crowd up and not knock them down by making them miserable – seriously, people wanted to kill themselves over the streak endings.  People sent death threats to other people over making jokes about it.

There are a couple of minutes of chants for Daniel Bryan from the audience.  The crowd ovation is so strong it almost prevents Daniel Bryan from cutting his promo.  He talks about how it was a little over two years ago when he started the YES thing.  I remember when that whole thing started and not many people picked up on it at first. But it was hilarious then and I guess now it’s a big thing of its own now.  Daniel Bryan says it is because of the fans and the people and the YES movement that he is the champion now.  The party is about to be over though as Triple H’s music hits.

McMahon-Helmsley time and Triple H does not look pleased.  He says he’s not going to step in the ring and risk doing something he’s going to regret so Daniel Bryan takes this time to put the belts right in the faces of Triple H and Stephanie and mock them since he won’t step across the ropes. HHH is infuriated and plans to put an end to this YES movement once and for all – this sounds like McMahons-Austin, although a little more PG.  Sure people have made that analogy before but the reason they do is because it is honestly the truth. 

JBL, Michael Cole and the Zombie… err… Jerry Lawler are here.  HHH promises the reign won’t last a night.  Meanwhile the team transitions to a new topic to finally discuss the END OF THE STREAK.

EAT. SLEEP. CONQUER. REPEAT.

EAT. SLEEP. CONQUER. REPEAT.

I can’t wait.  That’s actually bigger than the title.  It’s the thing we all never thought we’d see.  Everyone thought the Undertaker would retire undefeated at Wrestlemania.  The streak dying shocked Mickie Rooney to death.  The Undertaker losing is what wrestling fans are treating as their personal 9/11.  I’m surprised at least one person hasn’t committed suicide to the Undertaker’s historic loss.

Backstage after commercials HHH and Stephanie discuss how angry the YES movement makes them.  Batista interrupts and blames Triple H for losing to Daniel Bryan.  HHH reminds Batista he’s the one who lost to DB in the deciding moment of the match so it's actually HIS fault this happened.

Stephanie McMahon is much sexier in her role in Evolution than Ric Flair is. That's for sure.

Stephanie McMahon is much sexier in her role in Evolution than Ric Flair is. That's for sure.

Randy Orton rushes in demands his rematch as well.  Stephanie and HHH inform these two that they get to compete for the tag titles as a consolation prize while HHH plans to personally handle Daniel Bryan in the ring.  HHH tries to get Evolution back on the same page and reminds them they are unstoppable when they are on the same page.  Back in the ringside area, Bray Wyatt is set to appear.

Ugh SUPERTEAM vs. The Wyatt Family.  I wish Big E. had some better programs to work for the Intercontinental Title. As for Sheamus, I don’t really care about him.  The easy-going baby-face thing just bores me.  Cena and Bray are probably going to continue their feud at least one more Pay-Per-View which is to be expected.  The crowd seems pretty anti-Cena as he makes it out here.  This turns into a brawl.  Unfortunately since it’s not Wrestlemania anymore Bray Wyatt is back to the white pants. Fat people should not wear white pants.  I do admit to enjoying the ginger-fight between Sheamus and Eric Rowan who is often called “upside down Sheamus.” Amazingly all three baby-faces are being booed and the crowd is heavily behind the Wyatt Family.  Big E hits a Triple Jax Briggs from Mortal Kombat Backbreaker on Rowan and it’s been a while since we’ve seen that.  I wish he’d do Mortal Kombat fatalities and rip off somebody’s arms too.  The crowd boos any offense Cena gets in. He could cure AIDS in the middle of the ring right now and this crowd would boo the crap out of him.  They even sing his music and change the lyrics to “JOHN CENA SUCKS.”  Big E is fired up towards the end of the match and pulls the straps down.  I’m not sure who has bigger tits, him or Bray Wyatt.  Harper rushes in and kicks Harper in the head, Cena is sent to the outside by Rowan and Bray is ready to put an end to the Intercontinental Champion.  A new BRAY’S GONNA KILL YOU chant (reminiscent of “Joe’s gonna kill you” for TNA’s Samoa Joe) starts as Wyatt hits the Sister Abigail on Big E and gets the win.  The crowd loves it.

We’re reminded that HHH is getting the shovel ready.  Could you imagine if HHH won?  This would be hilarious.  The crowd would probably riot. WWE also takes this time to push their Claymation cartoon “Slam City” to us which will be on YouTube.

We get a BO DALLAS promo video that tries to be inspiring.  I seriously thought it was a weird USA Network reality TV commercial.  He tells us all we gotta do is BO-LIEVE.  This is excellent.  I’m all for it.  Everyone hates Bo Dallas so I hope he goes over Daniel Bryan for the title. All of you need to just stop whining and BO-LIEVE.

I love embedding his somewhat annoying Titantron into my articles any time a mention of Bo Dallas is made.

Fandango and Summer Rae are out here because the Wrestlemania crowds still pop for Fandango.  Even if we’re doing Santino and Emma vs. Summer Rae and Fandango again.  I’m tired of this feud and this match.  I really wish Emma had been brought in on a better note.  Fandango is underrated and probably should have been Intercontinental Champion about a year ago instead of Curtis Axel.  I’m pretty sure between Fandango’s “Wrestlemania Crowd” powers and Summer Rae’s newfound TOTAL DIVAS super powers they’ve got this in the bag.  I end up being completely wrong as Emma kills Summer with the Emma Lock so we can hear Emma’s entrance thmee.  This crowd actually likes Emma’s dance and does it with her.

10/10 would bang Emma given the chance.  I would even use vegemite as lube.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman have arrived.  The crowd isn’t even booing; they’re stunned silent.   Finally once Heyman starts bowing to Brock Lesnar as a deity the crowd starts booing once its set in this man put an end to the streak.  Heyman starts the great big “I TOLD YOU SO.”  I love it.   Heyman even manages to mow down Cole and Lawler by saying JBL is the only commentator in the group.  Heyman has said BROCK LESNAR like 1000 times while continuing to run down the fact that the audience and the WWE locker room are all a bunch of wannabes because nobody gave Brock a standing ovation.  Everybody looked down on Brock Lesnar but Brock respects nobody, barely tolerates Heyman and isn’t going to respect any of these people trying to get noticed on worldwide TV the night after Wrestlemania.  Paul Heyman reminds us Daniel Bryan, John Cena and the Undertaker never fought in the octagon because they are all wannabes.  Paul Heyman explains Brock Lesnar is THE ONE. I thought that was Billy Gunn during that awful gimmick they gave him when they tried to rid him of Mr. Ass.  Heyman finally goes to the point that Brock Lesnar is THE ONE in 21 and 1.  Heyman now repeats himself slowly so all the retards can understand.

Worship this man. He killed your hero. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

capture_20140407_211546.jpg

Adam Rose (formerly Leo Kruger) seems to be on the way to debuting as well.  Up next is the tag title match between the Usos and Batista & Orton.  The story behind this is that Orton and Batista aren’t fond of one another at all but are being forced into an unofficial Evolution reunion by their former lord-master Triple H.  Both teams get counted out pretty early as Batista and Orton lay waste to the Usos and take out their aggressions on them. Batista then hits the Batista Bomb on the steel steps onto one of the Usos.

These guys should be congratulated on their civil union.

These guys should be congratulated on their civil union.

These two look like they’re about to kiss and start a civil union of gay tattoos and bad clothing.  We’re told that up next Hulk Hogan will present the Andre the Giant Battle Royal Trophy to Cesaro.

I’m wondering if we’re going to have a Real Americans tie-in seeing as last night Cesaro walked out on Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter.

We don’t come back to that right away – we come back to the return of RVD to randomly squash Damien Sandow for no reason.  Damien Sandow is so low on the card he might as well be JTG.  JTG probably actually laughs at Sandow.  RVD puts Sandow away relatively easily with the Five-Star Frog Splash.  I’m surprised he didn’t make a Battle Royal appearance last night.

Rey Mysterio comes out here and nobody cares.  Instead they POP for the in-ring return of BAD NEWS BARRETT.  I wish they could make him come out on the podium even when he wrestles.  This guy is great.  Barrett is about to give us some bad news and Rey Mysterio interrupts the BAD NEWS to the chorus of boos.  The crowd loves every one of Barrett’s signature attacks such as the Winds of Change.  They boo however when Rey hits the 619 but before he can drop the dime, Barrett is back up and bullhammers Rey so hard Eddie Guerrero’s corpse felt it.  1-2-3 and Wade Barrett wins the match. 

The only good thing about this is Lana who everybody has a boner for.

The only good thing about this is Lana who everybody has a boner for.

UGH. RUSEV. DISGUSTING.  We’re told the debut is next.  Lana introduces Rusev and here he comes.  At least he is wrestling instead of standing on a stupid podium.  I wish he were standing in the middle of a toilet bowl and got flushed.  Zack Ryder is about to be fed to Rusev. 

Zack Ryder's career in one image.

Zack Ryder's career in one image.

Zack Ryder gets BRAZZER’D to death.  Rusev reminds me of animated diarrhea.  Like if you took a taco dump and then it became a human being and walked around it would be this guy. 

The Ultimate Warrior is here now officially a WWE Hall of Famer, something we thought we might never get to see.  This is surreal and it’s great to watch him still do his trademark shaking the ropes.  I like Warrior because he’s so outspoken.  This is not a stupid man.  He’s actually brilliant, has given some great political speeches and his website had some of the most controversial yet incredible opinions on it.  I remember laughing and nodding my head in agreement when he wanted Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube pulled.

capture_20140407_220243.jpg

Instead of painting his face he puts on an Ultimate Warrior mask and gets ready to cut a vintage Warrior promo. It’s one of those special moments you can’t emulate.  Always liked the Warrior – I don’t care about how much of a “dick” he might have been backstage or at certain points in his career.

Last night AJ Lee managed to overcome 13 other Divas at once to retain the Divas championship.  Where does AJ go from here?  We’re reminded she is the longest-reigning Divas champion of all-time at 295 days.  I honestly hope she loses tonight because she reeks of egotism, and I hate egoistical people who think that their shit doesn’t smell bad and that’s coming from someone who used to enjoy AJ a lot. She talks about how when she first won the title she took a verbal dump on the Divas division and gave them 294 days to prove her wrong and they have proven that AJ is the hero of this story.  She starts stealing CM Punk style lingo saying she is the BEST DIVA IN THE WORLD.  This is interrupted by NXT Women’s Champion, Paige, debuting tonight.

What do you do when AJ has defeated the entire division?  Bring in somebody new and this crowd seems to be loving it as Paige makes her arrival on the main roster.  Paige tells AJ she’s here to do what nobody else would… congratulate AJ.  This surprises the crowd.  AJ says all the Divas should be lining up and congratulating her.  AJ says she doesn’t need Paige’s congratulations and tells her to run back to NXT because the Champion does not like being interrupted.  Paige again says she apologies.  AJ begins to disrespect her.  AJ says since Paige is fancy and dressed, AJ is going to do what she does best and BEAT Paige in the ring.  Paige says she’s not ready for a match and AJ slaps her in the face. 

AJ then says she’s putting the title on the line just as a treat.  Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler put over the fact Paige has said she isn’t ready.  AJ reminds Paige that this is AJ’s house and she will tell Paige when she is ready.  A referee gets out here.  Title match is underway.  AJ tries to quickly lock in the Octopus/Black Widow lock but she has trouble and Paige hits the Paige Turner and gets an immediately 3 count becoming the NEW Divas champion and first woman to be NXT Women’s Champion and WWE Divas champion in one go. 

This is a huge leap of faith for the WWE, and I’m glad they did it.  AJ Lee had a good run but turning her into CM Punk with a vagina wasn’t working with me and the rumor is she’s taking time off to continue whatever she has going on with CM Punk with a dick.  This generates some legitimate interest in the Divas division and makes a new star in it simultaneously.

BO-LIEVE.  Yes!  You know what that means?

One person however, doesn’t BO-LIEVE.  He is the Grinch that Stole Dallas, he is Marion and he used to recap TNA.

He is not happy about this turn of events.  Anyway, back to RAW:

Hulk Hogan is out here to present the Andre the Giant trophy.  I thought this was going to happen way earlier.  Was Hogan stuck on the toilet taking a dump all this time?  Was he banging Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife while gassy again?  The world may never know.  Let’s see how they develop Cesaro here and now.   Hogan gets the name of the Superdome right this time (last night he accidentally called it the Silverdome),

Cesaro is still representing the Real Americans as the crowd hums his entrance theme and as Zeb Colter comes along with Cesaro.  We’re reminded Cesaro ditched his own tag partner, Jack Swagger earlier in the night.

I’m wondering if Swagger is going to come out here snap and destroy the trophy.  Zeb snatches the microphone and tells Cesaro to let a REAL AMERICAN talk.  Zeb decides to tell us that Cesaro is a guy who 9-10 months ago was brought into the fold even though he is not FROM here to be a REAL AMERICAN and a Zeb Colter guy.  Cesaro takes the microphone from Zeb and says he’s NOT a Zeb Colter guy.  He is a Paul Heyman guy.  He introduces Heyman and the crowd goes INSANE.  Paul Heyman says he is the new advocate for the King of Swing, Cesaro.  Zeb Colter is infuriated to find out that Cesaro is jumping from the Real Americans to hang out with the Real Jew. 

Paul Heyman says this is a week of shocking moments for Paul Heyman guys. Much to my prediction, Jack Swagger comes out here, tosses Cesaro outside and destroys the Andre the Giant trophy which infuriates Cesaro who attacks Swagger.  We come back from break and the impromptu Cesaro vs. Swagger match has been made and the two are fighting.  The good thing about this is Cesaro working as a face allows him to sell for a little bit of an angry, aggressive Jack Swagger offense.  I’m hoping this allows both members of the team to be elevated.  The commentary team mentions that Paul Heyman’s stock as a manager went up by helping Brock beat “The Streak” making people want to align with him.  Swagger decides to fall back once Cesaro gets into “the swing” of things (literally since now Cesaro is the King of Swing).  Swagger escapes and takes the count-out loss.

Cesaro is still carrying around the remains of the Andre trophy which now that it’s losing limbs might as well be a Kamala trophy instead.  It’s now time for our main event, Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H with the WWE World Heavyweight Championship on the line, and I expect a good match with something absolutely crazy taking place before it is all over to shock us all, hook us to the matrix that is the WWE and make us want to continue to watch next week in hopes the craziness continues.  I hope WWE continues it because I think if you can make everyone watching feel the energy of a post-Wrestlemania crowd you can get it to continue and even grow.  That’s what this show really needs. 

Stephanie demands the Shield and Kane make sure HHH becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion tonight.  Kane is angry as the Shield mocks him for taking out the New Age Outlaws tonight.  Kane is in a bad mood and begins yelling and snapping at the Shield and reveals by accident that Triple H is the one who wanted him to teach the Shield a lesson.  Stephanie tries to explain that the Shield need to help the McMahons in the name of justice and she demands that Kane and the Shield get on the same page because what the boss wants he gets.  We are also told this Friday on Smackdown Big Show takes on Cesaro. If Cesaro sings Big Show, when he lands it’s going to cause another earthquake in Chile.   Our main event is now and the crowd is hyped.  I don’t even think it’s the Wrestlemania crowd.  I think it’s the effort that is put into the post-Wrestlemania show which WWE needs to put into every Monday Night RAW.

“Don’t Call Us Evolution” is on the way to the ring with no explanation.  Randy Orton and Batista begin working Daniel Bryan over.  Orton hits the RKO on Daniel Bryan.  Batista follows up with the Batista Bomb. 

Bryan’s former partner Kane now makes the ring and demands Orton and Batista back off…

...before hitting the Chokeslam on Daniel Bryan as well.


Daniel Bryan has been hit with 3 finishers.  The crowd begins to call these guys 3MB as Triple H’s theme hits and he makes his way to the ring.  I don't think they should call these guys 3MB since that's an insult to 3MB who STILL somehow dresses more hetero than Dave Batista does.  Back to the beating, though:  The last time I saw a bearded man get his ass kicked that badly it was in the Passion of the Christ.

It looks like Stephanie will also be in attendance for the hurting they are putting on Daniel Bryan.  The referee tries to stop HHH from starting the match because he is in no condition to compete.  As HHH is about to finish off Bryan and get the easy win, the Shield makes their way out here in their new “Bullet Club” style masks (still reminds me more of Aces & Eights from TNA actually).

The Hounds of Justice were told to help Triple H but being that they are in an in-between phase it makes sense the Shield will turn on the Authority especially after the revelation that HHH was the one who ordered the attack on them before Wrestlemania.  HHH demands the Shield back off because they are NOT doing this.  A stand-off occurs with HHH in the middle of the ring trying to stop the Shield and Kane-Volution from locking up.  The Shield manages to clear the Authority Goons and attacks Triple H.  They now circle Triple H and appear about to hit their trademark Triple Powerbomb.   Daniel Bryan is back up and rushes HHH with a running knee.  The rest of the Authority pull HHH out of the ring as the Shield stands between the champion and the Authority.

This is going to be pretty damn interesting if the WWE keeps it up.  The question is “can they?”  Are we in a new era?  Only time will tell.  This is a solid episode of Monday Night RAW and hopefully WWE will ride that momentum into the next week and the week after because if they do I might actually start enjoying it to its fullest again.