From The Archives: Marion Reviews the KFC Double Down!

On the old JasonRivera.com you could find an article on just about any random thing - and Marion proved it when he went as far as to review the KFC Double Down.  In light of the Double Down's recent return to Kentucky Fried Chicken it only seemed appropriate to bring this one back from the dead, which is what they'll have to do to you if you continue eating the damn things - Riv

Sometime near the end of last year, I received an IM from Alex (or Optimist With Doubts, as most of you may know him). Apparently, it was an update as part of my subscription to the monthly Fat Dude News Network, as he was notifying me of a new item being tested in a few select markets by KFC. Featuring two slices of cheese, bacon, and the Colonel's special sauce on buns of two fried chicken breasts, this sandwich told you you were gambling with your life with its very name, the KFC Double Down. Naturally, we came to the consensus that we must try it. Immediately.

The Double Down, preparing to claim another victim.

The Double Down, preparing to claim another victim.

This was somewhere around October of 2009, and unfortunately, we hadn't heard anything about it since. Checking around the internet about a month ago, there was no indication this behemoth would ever see the light of day nationally. Until April 1st. On this day, KFC pulled the ultimate April Fool's prank, announcing that the Double Down was real and it was coming. Yes, for an April Fool's joke, a restaurant chain is currently trying to murder their customers with meat. The jury's still out on whether to angrily revolt against the company or give them some kind of award... perhaps the Nobel Peace Prize for their work in the field of Sandwich Science And Murder. To help us come to that decision, I've decided to pick up one of these beasts this afternoon and review it. FOR SCIENCE!

The Double Down broken down to show its ingredients: Two fried chicken breasts, two strips of bacon, slices of pepper jack and Monterrey jack cheese, the Colonel's sauce, and pure manliness!

The Double Down broken down to show its ingredients: Two fried chicken breasts, two strips of bacon, slices of pepper jack and Monterrey jack cheese, the Colonel's sauce, and pure manliness!


First bite: Mostly like eating fried chicken. Delicious fried chicken, but that's all thus far due to poor placement of everything else.

Second bite: Taste of cheese kicks in, accompanied by small puddle of the Colonel's Sauce. The sauce is creamy and rich, like an egg-based sauce or dressing, like mayo, but with a heat and spiciness similar to buffalo sauce. Everything's going fairly well so far.

I can feel my heart stopping just looking at this picture.

I can feel my heart stopping just looking at this picture.

At this point, I switch over to the strangely electric orange Mac & Cheese side. Hey, if I'm going to tackle the Let It Ride Heart Attack Crisper, I'm going to do it right and get a combo. This will prove to be a bad decision by the end of things, I fear.<br><br>

KFC Mac & Cheese: Now in Hulk Hogan Orange!

KFC Mac & Cheese: Now in Hulk Hogan Orange!

Despite the extremely artificial color of it, the mac & cheese is actually quite good and makes an excellent, although clearly unnecessary, complement to the Nickel Slots Sandwich. Very cheesy and quite tasty.

Third bite: Finally reach the bacon, and thus, sandwich Nirvana. This is also the point I lose the capacity to type properly, causing this article to need far more editing than normal. It is some good-ass bacon, though.

Fourth Bite: More bacon-bliss. I also start experiencing a bit of a headache, which may or may not be Royal Flush Filet-related. I think the grease may be getting to me.

Fifth through seventh bites: Unfortunately, we've passed the optimal bacon area, making each bite now not much more than a large slab of fried chicken with a little cheese and Colonel's Smear on it. Each bite is getting harder and harder to chew through as a chicken-coma begins setting in.

It's at this point that you begin to look back and question all your life decisions up to this point.

It's at this point that you begin to look back and question all your life decisions up to this point.

Eighth through eleventh bites: Fingers now covered in a mixture of grease and The Blood Of The Colonel. My jaw is now noticeably sore, getting worse with each well-seasoned, grease-soaked bite. I don't know if I'm going to make it. Pray for me.

Final bite: Almost made it. One final bite left. Somehow, this final end piece of this monstrous sandwich ends up being the best, managing to defy physics and have the highest concentration of cheese, Colonel's Cream, and bacon.

Here is where any sense of pride for conquering the Double Down is beaten mercilessly by the shame of actually consuming a Double Down.

Here is where any sense of pride for conquering the Double Down is beaten mercilessly by the shame of actually consuming a Double Down.

With that final bite, my experience with the Bet On Black Chicken Stack comes to an end. Well, perhaps not, as this headache shows no signs of subsiding anytime soon. The Lady GaGa Pokerface Chicken Cruncher has also left my head feeling incredibly heavy. It may very well be a new type of drug in itself. If I start seeing sounds and feeling colors, we'll have our answer. The impending grease-coma will be another reminder of my time spent with the sandwich. Hopefully, my typing and motor skills will return with time, although if this further-intensifying headache is any indication, the outlook is not too positive.

That said, TOTALLY WORTH IT! Look, this definitely isn't an every day kind of meal. You WILL die somewhere around the third or fourth day into an all Seriously, Who The Fuck Goes To A Casino To Play Baccarat? Chicken Sandwich diet. If you do that and die, however, please be cremated, so the surrounding neighborhood will at least get to experience the smell of delicious fried chicken as your grease-filled body is reduced to ashes. But as a one-time, novelty meal, this thing is actually pretty damn tasty. Shockingly enough, it's not really any worse for you nutritionally than average fast food fare such as the Whopper w/ Cheese, Big Mac, Taco Bell's 7 Layer Burrito, or Arby's Philly Beef 'n Swiss. This monstrousity is much tastier than any of the above as well. Granted, the others usually don't cause stabbing pains in your stomach fifteen minutes after eating them, but sometimes you just have to sacrifice FOR SCIENCE! And deliciousness!

 Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to test out the Colonel's Secret Coma.

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