WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (April 28th, 2014)

It is time for a little RAW recapping. Even though a lot of this is for my own benefit trying to keep my memory up as to what happened when I do Asked Wrestling (by the way go check out Episode 3 from last night by clicking HERE), feel free to leave feedback in the form of comments or get to me on social networking.  Feedback is appreciated, even when you absolutely loathe and detest me (which a lot of people do). 

 

The last few minutes of NCIS are happening.  I’m sure I’ve watched the “last few minutes of NCIS” of every episode the USA Network has ever aired due to waiting for Monday Night RAW to come on.  Some Russians are holding some guy’s mouth open so he can learn to suck dick better – and this is how we come to a close. 

Pretty sure I saw this device in a porno once.

Pretty sure I saw this device in a porno once.

WWE Signature airs while I wonder where I can get one of those devices to put on various women around here.  We get recaps of the fact that the majority of WWE fans wanted John Cena to face the Wyatt Family in a 3 on 1 match because they do not love John Cena anymore, as Bray Wyatt puts it.  They haven’t loved Cena for like 10 years so this isn’t really news.

This Sunday Bray Wyatt and John Cena square off in the steel cage and it seems like people really, really want Cena to lose.  This is evident by the fact more people boo him than cheer him as Cena makes his way to the ring tonight. 

Sad Cena is sad.

Sad Cena is sad.

Cena is noticeably less animated than usual for him.  Typically he’s screaming stupid shit into the camera and running to the ring.  He’s walking slowly into the steel cage to cut a promo that will in all likelihood be corny.

Michael Cole takes this time to tell us we also have the Usos defending their titles against Rybaxel tonight.  I have never been a fan of idea of having title matches this close to a Pay-Per-View.  They should be on the Pay-Per-View itself.  Why am I even calling it Pay Per View when now everything enveloped under the WWE Network?

Stephanie will apologize to Daniel Bryan.  Don’t care.

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton – that might be interesting.  Back to what’s going on in the ring, John Cena can only ask the crowd “WHY?”  He keeps asking why all the people who have the app would do this to him.  I think we’re seeing the birth of the “WHY” movement and I eagerly await the ugly-colored John Cena “WHY WHY WHY?” t-shirt.  John Cena then begins quoting Two-Face from Batman and talking about seeing himself live long enough to become the villain.  John Cena then acts like he’s a protective Dad trying to keep his daughter away from a boyfriend he doesn’t like.  John Cena says Bray Wyatt is going to destroy the world – melodramatic, aren’t we?  Suddenly Bray Wyatt’s intro effect this as a chorus of children sing “The Whole World In His Hands.”

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I hope they’re all Make-A-Wish Kids Cena visited in the hospital. 

Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Eric Rowan now walk to the ring with all the children.  The children then all don sheep masks.

John Cena visibly facepalms as Bray Wyatt laughs.  This is amazing.  The only logical next step here is for the Wyatts to DP Nikki Bella, Cena’s girlfriend.

We come back from break and the Usos vs. Rybaxel are up next.  Well, what a way to kill the awesome wave of momentum we started.  It’s not even the Usos, it’s just that Rybaxel is so boring.  This gets retweeted on my timeline and manages to be the one thing that made me enjoy Rybaxel in the longest amount of time:

Also after a lengthy match the Usos manage to retain.  I question why this wasn’t put on Extreme Rules but chances are we will have it A SECOND TIME on Extreme Rules for no reason.  Who says wrestling doesn’t go into reruns?

Hugh Jackman is on the show tonight – probably to interact with Dolph Ziggler and Damien Sandow which seems like a waste of a celebrity appearance if you ask me.  Sure it’s X-Men: Days of Future Past promotion but who really cares?  We are told Adam Rose is debuting on RAW next week from one of the promo videos regarding him before we return to RAW.

Backstage Cesaro and his Jew master are discussing Rob Van Dam and Heyman is disappointed RVD spoke out against him.  Heyman begins talking about how he risked his reputation on RVD back in the day and the last person to get under Heyman’s skin was the Undertaker and look what happened to him.  Heyman is trying to rile Cesaro up but he also admits to being a liar, conniver, ruthless and unethical but he takes his clients to the top.  Cesaro says it’s all he needs to hear and happily shakes Heyman’s hand.

After some recapping of what Kane did to Daniel Bryan last week, we get a Sheamus-Titus O’Neil match which I don’t remotely care about.  After a promo from Bo Dallas (which is epic), we get Dolph Ziggler in the ring to cut a promo, probably be interrupted by Sandow and Hugh Jackman will be out here.  I find myself not caring. 

Damien Sandow does show up in a Magneto costume and I can’t help laughing at the retardedness of the outfit.  Also this leads to Sandow getting hip-tossed by Hugh Jackman and elbow-dropped by Ziggler.  After my capture card kills itself in protest of that segment temporarily Paul Heyman tells us a knock knock joke.  Who’s there?  Mike?  Mike who?  MY CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERED THE STREAK.  Also we are having Cesaro vs. Swagger, a rematch from Smackdown last week.  Heyman attacks Colter mid-match distracting Swagger and allowing Cesaro to win the match with a German suplex.

That’s the power of the Jew.  It is dangerous.

John Cena is interviewed by Renee Young backstage who wants to know his reaction to the fact that every child on earth just turned heel.  He walks away without a word.  If he had just listened to Chris Benoit he’d be fine.  Benoit saw this heel turn coming back in 2007 – that’s why he cancelled his kid.

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Kane’s mask is in its case, so this means he has shape-shifted back into a bald, corporate world Jew.

Meanwhile back in the ring Cody Rhodes takes on Alberto Del Rio one on one with Goldust in his corner.  Goldust got the loss in a tag match last week and Cody was not pleased with him.  WWE makes sure to mention it which means Cody’s heel turn and the team breaking up is inevitable.

Cody takes the loss from Del Rio and blames Goldust anyway.  Sometimes people are just assholes.

This is a No H8 campaign waiting to happen.

This is a No H8 campaign waiting to happen.

Cesaro and Heyman are backstage taking their relationship to the next level.  What a hot steamy make out session these two are having.  Congratulate them on their civil union.

Lana tells us resistance is futile.  Is she BORG?  I wish.  If he was the BORGarian Brute instead, I’d enjoy him much more.  So for a week rather than replace him with Grimace I’ll just make him a cyborg that is attempting to add all his enemies to his collective.  The BORGarian Brute retreats when both black guys attack him.

The BORGarian Brute is here to assimilate all life in the WWE.

The BORGarian Brute is here to assimilate all life in the WWE.

R-Truth just didn’t want to see a brother get absorbed into the Borg, ya dig?  Still it’s typical gangland behavior but the black youth.  Somebody call George Zimmerman.  We need a hero.  Speaking of heroes right after we get a promo about how much Make-A-Wish work John Cena does.  I can’t wait until they start asking to meet Bray Wyatt instead.

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Renee Young interviews RVD on his upcoming match with Bad News Barrett and RVD says he wants to go on to Big E and win the Intercontinental Title for the 7th time.  Zeb Colter tries to get RVD to join the Real Americans – cue a lot of jokes from the Internet about RVD and Swagger and marijuana and getting high together.  Fortunately RVD sees all 10,000 bad puns coming and declines Colter’s offer.

Bathroom break imminent.

Bathroom break imminent.

This explains why I suddenly had the urge to take a dump.  Screw 3.5 MB vs. Los Matadores.  Pretty sure the NOT Mexicans won.  I don’t care.  I feel 10 lbs. lighter.

God Stephanie is a f—kin’ MILF.  Would you hit it?  I bet you would.  The question is would you hit it ten minutes after HHH did with his semen still fresh in there?  That’s a little iffy.  Stephanie asks Daniel Bryan to come out here so she can apologize to him. 

I don’t know why but I just really like Brie being aligned with Bryan on television and it being acknowledged.  I guess it gets the Bellas away from the “Oh look, sluts!” image that they’ve had for years but it adds a smidge of “more realism” into this whole situation.  Daniel Bryan says he almost believed that Stephanie wanted Kane to stop but everyone knows Stephanie is full of crap.  Stephanie tries to appeal to Brie’s sense of “watching your husband get taken out on a stretcher” to try to make her apology seem sincere.  The back and forth goes on.  Stephanie McMahon keeps insisting she will make it up to them – she decides that the best way to make it up to them is to give Brie a match against Paige for the Divas championship. 

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Dick in a box is nowhere to be found… which means Kane will be unleashed.  He has shapeshifted again – oh no.  This is kind of stupid in all honesty because of the way WWE is acting like unmasked Kane is neutered as if unmasked Kane never did bad things – you know, like “Don’t talk about May 19th” and “setting Jim Ross on fire ass-first.” 

As the Divas match continued, Kane’s pyro hits and the Big Red Monster shows up from under the ring to attempt to drag Brie to his rape chamber.  Bryan saves Brie from “the joys of cuckold” but gets chokeslammed in the process.  Now Kane turns his attention back to Brie Bella.

Stephanie McMahon pretends to give a damn back in the trainer’s office and Bryan makes a “kill a bitch” face.  Brie calls Stephanie a bitch and demands she get out.  Stephanie still won’t relent on the “really sorry” act. 

Renee Young is still trying to interview John Cena – he says children in sheep masks did not sit well with him.  He says that he realizes that he’s been caught up too much in Bray Wyatt’s mind games and he realizes now the WWE universe has not turned their back on him because there was passion and passion is hope and hope is fight and he knows that better than anyone.  I really hope Bray nails John’s girlfriend next to take the wind out of his sails. 

It’s time for some BAD NEWS!  Wade Barrett explains to us that WWE’s slogan is THEN, NOW, FOREVER.  He says RVD should only be “THEN” because that’s the last time he was even relevant and that he was in diapers the last time RVD won the Intercontinental Title.  Wade Barrett is the same age as me so I’m not really sure he was wearing diapers unless he had a problem with his bowels.  Swagger and Cesaro both get involve and take RVD off his game for a minute at the conclusion of a lengthy match.  This causes Barrett to counter the Five-Star Frog Splash with his knees then bullhammer RVD so hard that every ECW original felt it.  Barrett is going to take on Big E at Extreme Rules and RVD gets to be the middleman in a battle between the Real Jew and the Real American.

The Shield cuts a pre-match promo.  I enjoy this because I am digging Rollins’ newly discovered ability to cut a good promo. Ambrose was always good so he’s never been lacking.

Roman Reigns another guy who has really come up, as he says Orton is the past.  The guy is convincing.  I never thought I’d say that when I first saw him back before the Shield existed.


Since Ambrose never defends his belt he has to defend it in a 3 on 1 handicap match against Alberto Del Rio and Rybaxel.  By the way to anyone who says he is the "all-time" longest reigning US Champion, that is incorrect.  He ranks at 3 with Rick Rude & Lex Luger both ahead of him.  He would be the longest reigning U.S. Champion since WWE brought the belt back, however.  Back at ringside it’s time for Evolution. 

Suitista is a lot less painful to look at.  Otherwise he looks like he’s getting ready for a long night at the gay bar.  Evolution cuts the “adapt or perish” promo before the Shield make their way out here. 

Ric Flair stars in "Scent of a Woman 2," Scent of Divorce!  HOO-AHHH!!!!

Ric Flair stars in "Scent of a Woman 2," Scent of Divorce!  HOO-AHHH!!!!

Before the match can begin the missing 4th member of Evolution, Ric Flair makes his way out here.  It would be too obvious for him to be on the side of Evolution, so I think Flair is going to turn on the other three for not inviting him to the reunion sooner.  Why the hell is Flair wearing sunglasses indoors?  He is just missing a cane and a seeing-eye dog at this point.  Flair begins hugging the other Evolution members.    Flair rambles, then endorses The Shield over Evolution and walks away.  For whatever reason that seems to have killed the crowd who has no idea what to make of anything and they are awfully quiet and tired during Orton vs. Reigns and frankly I am as well.  Everything degenerates into a giant brawl with Evolution getting the upper hand and dominating the Shield.  The crowd doesn’t seem to care, Twitter doesn’t seem to know what the hell is going on, and I just really want to go to the bathroom, upload my recap and call it a night.  This is the kind of shit that makes you WANT this to hurry up and end so you can watch Chrissley Knows Best afterward and I don’t even watch that stupid show.  Finally after a few minutes somehow Ambrose and Rollins both get a second wind and rise from the dead, taking out Evolution enough that Reigns gets back to his feet and spears the living hell out of Hunter.  Now everybody is alive.

The Hounds of Justice circle the COO and are about to Triple Powerbomb him.  Orton and Batista distract them with chairs long enough for Hunter to escape but if that’s the scene we get Sunday nobody will complain – I actually want to see it happen.  Now everybody is awake.  Thanks for nothing, Flair, since you almost put us all into a coma talking about nothing.  We close the show and the next stop is Extreme Rules (not counting Smackdown where absolutely nothing ever actually happens).