WWE NXT is Riv (April 24, 2014)

It’s time to do that thing I do so well – or sort of well – or not really well at all, NXT recapping.  Hopefully you enjoy it, if not, it’s whatever – I really need to get back to writing more than just wrestling recaps soon, but as some of you know it’s been a crazy time for me as of late so it’s a bit tricky getting back into the swing of things.

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I’m glad Paige doesn’t usually carry both belts around, seeing as they cover up both of her breasts.  Regardless, since the night after Wrestlemania she has been both the NXT Women’s Champion and the WWE Divas Champion.

The general manager of NXT, John Bradshaw Layfield tries to stare at Paige’s tits but is immediately blocked by the two belts.  Realizing this is a disservice to him and everyone with a penis (and several lesbians as well), JBL strips Paige of the NXT Women’s Championship.  In actuality this is because she cannot hold both titles, despite the fact it makes very little sense seeing as full-time Divas compete in the NXT women’s division all the time.  Once Paige is no longer able to cover both her breasts with the belts JBL smiles and leaves, probably to jerk off to the word “Twerking.”

Lana is here which means the arrival of Grimace is imminent.  As per my RAW recap, since Alexander Rusev is a fat tub of crap and his general existence annoys me, he will be replaced in all of my recaps with the loveable (and often terrifying) McDonald’s character known as Grimace. 

For some reason Grimace is taking on Travis Tyler who I believe was a McDonalds employee who had been cutting work to try to become a professional wrestler.  Grimace is offended by T.T.’s insolence and is here to punish him. 

Grimace makes short work of Titty and puts him in the Grimace Lock.  That’s what happens when you don’t show up for a shift at McDonalds.  Lana, the General Manager of your districts fine McDonalds Dining Establishments is pleased by the destruction Grimace has caused.  GRIMACE HIT, GRIMACE CRUSH.  Grimace says he is the “Super Size Athlete” in Bulgarian.  I’m not sure why Grimace is speaking Bulgarian but let’s just run with it.

Devin Taylor is awaiting the arrival of Adam Rose, whose party seems to be ahead of him.  I wonder if or when the party devolves into just one giant massive orgy.  These look like the kind of chicks you meet on Tinder.

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The party cheers when Adam Rose is lifted in by a bunch of guys who look like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.  Suddenly I care less about joining into some giant orgy since I realize I’d have to share chicks with guys who all look like the Berserker or the prospect that one of them may attempt to touch my balls.  Adam Rose calls Camacho a “party pooper” and “boring.”  Adam says that Camacho can pick a fight with him any time and not to be a lemon but a rosebud.


Back at ringside, Charlotte, Sasha Banks and the decapitated head of Summer Rae make their way to the ring.  Summer Rae should never have raised her hand against King Joffrey of King’s Landing.  Now she’s just a floating head the BFFs carry around while Fandango has moved on to being managed by Layla. 

I don’t know if Charlotte is on estrogen pills or what, but lately she looks way less masculine – either that or I have hit a new level of desperate for vagina which has caused me not to notice any similarities between her and her father or brothers.  Charlotte and Sasha are taking Emma and a partner of her choosing.  I hope this isn’t the return of Santina.  I feel like Santino being paired with Emma has done nothing but lower her stock 97%.  I mean they’ve had a few comedic date segments that were actually funny on the main roster but generally it’s just Emma and Santino fighting Fandango and Layla every week and now it’s led to Emma using a Female Cobra instead of the Dil-Emma as a finisher.  Also there seems to be less and less of a crowd reaction for Emma ever since the pairing which is rather unfortunate.  Emma’s partner is Paige who didn’t even get an entrance during her commercial break.  As I watch Sasha go to work on Emma I must say Sasha is looking hotter lately as well which means I have in fact hit a new level of “sex starved.”  Emma and Paige go to work on Charlotte when she is tagged in and hit a double suplex on her.  The commentators talk about Paige being stripped of the NXT title as Charlotte begins to regain the advantage on the current Diva’s champion with an ankle hold only to be kicked off of Paige who begins elbowing Charlotte in the face in the corner.  Emma is tagged back in but gets hit with a forearm to the face by Charlotte followed by a knee.  Charlotte mocks Paige’s signature scream while in the corner.  Emma doesn’t realize during the match Sasha is tagged in, who Thesz presses Emma and begins working her over.  I’m relatively sure that if the NXT Women’s title is vacant Charlotte is the next in line, and Sasha is being booked to Jannetty-dom, which we know from the promo last week where Charlotte essentially put her partner there and did nothing but put herself over.  Charlotte tags back in and begins to wear Emma down even more.  Charlotte manages to put Paige away with the Snapmare ultimately for the win in this tag match.  That’s now a pinfall victory over the Divas Champion.  She is definitely being groomed to be the next in line for the NXT Women’s Title.

The Usos and Sami Zayn will take on the Ascension and Corey Graves. The Ascension is rather uninteresting to me and it’s not their fault.  It’s a lack of good programs, angles, or feuds.  Graves vs. Zayn is somewhat interesting, though.  As for the Usos, WWE has done such a great job of NOT establishing other tag teams that the Usos will be stuck facing Rybaxel this PPV period.  Harsh.

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Tyson Kidd has the best “trollface” smile in the business.  I don’t get why Kidd spends so much time on NXT when he’s a main roster guy.  It feels like he got drafted to Total Divas and left there forever.  It’s a shame because he’s the guy who managed to make Curtis Axel interesting back during NXT Season 5 during a feud that is oftentimes overlooked.  Sadly he’s gone from that to fighting Mason Ryan, the most boring guy on the planet.

Do we really need Mason Ryan not that Batista is back?  His claim to fame is being called Batis-TWO or Welshtista a few times, being in the Nexus for five minutes and generally not making enough of an impact for anyone to give a damn about.  Tyson’s a good worker and usually seeing any of Kidd’s matches is a plus but throw Mason Ryan in there and you have a bonafide bathroom break.  I decide to check my e-mail.  No new emails.  I check my Twitter. Here is a random nice ass from one of those photo-posting Twitter accounts I follow.

#DatBum

#DatBum

That should make you feel better about the fact I’m not paying attention to a match which contains God-awful Mason Ryan.  I go downstairs to get some water, and I fight the urge to yawn.  Drink is over.  I decide to see if we have anything with alcohol in it downstairs but fortunately it doesn’t come to that because Kidd is able to pick up the win on Mason Ryan.  Tyson Kidd is interviewed after his match by Renee Young and says this is the rebirth of Tyson Kidd and now that there are more eyes on NXT than ever before (thanks to the WWE Network), he wants to show his abilities.  He says that if you want to test him he will PROVE YOU WRONG.

…then Chris Benoit comes back from the dead to feud with Tyson Kidd.  Well we can still hope.  I’m not even going to lie or joke around; could you imagine Tyson Kidd vs. Benoit?  It would be a clinic.  Tyson says that NXT is the platform for the “ultimate opportunity.”

…then Edge gets a new neck to feud with Tyson Kidd. Sheesh, he might as well have just called it “NXT is Kidd” to see if he could get a Jericho reference in as well and cover all his Canadian bases.  Speaking of Canadians, Tyler Breeze is up next.

I bet Breeze is really excited that he might have the opportunity to compete for the NXT Women’s Championship soon. 

…what… the hell… is that?  Angelo Dawkins, who I think we’ve seen get squashed on this show before now looks like someone combined Urkel with a random shitty DJ and formed… this.  The man has also stolen Percy Watson’s glasses.  He also has generic jobber music which doesn’t help his case.  He dances his way down to the ring.  I immediately want him killed.   For some reason Dawkins has a backpack with him.  I hope the backpack is secretly a bomb strapped to him and he explodes into pink mist.  This gimmick seems atrociously heel which confuses me as to why he’s fighting Tyler Breeze, who is also heel.

I admit, Breeze has one of the best NXT entrances out there.  Now if he would expand his arsenal to have more than kick moves he might finally get promoted off of the NXT roster and onto the main show.  I can sum this match up in one image:

Angelo Dawkins’ attempt to put it in Tyler Breeze’s bum causes Breeze to snap, beat on him (with fists), snapmare him (finally something has been added to the arsenal), and kicks Dawkins in the back before locking in a headlock and grounding him.  Alex Riley admits to having a man-crush on Tyler Breeze in the commentary both, everything gets awkwardly silent and Breeze begins punching Dawkins repeatedly before lifting him up and hitting the Beauty Shot (Spinning Kick) for the victory.  Hopefully Dawkins never comes out with that ridiculously lame gimmick ever again.  That was so bad it made CJ Parker look awesome.  THAT bad.   It’s already time for the six man tag main event.  Let’s see if anything interesting actually takes place.  Admittedly the six-man tag happens so often now that I’m pretty much over it.  It’s a decent match but I find myself just unable to really get into it.  Zayn finally hits the running kick to Graves in the corner followed by clearing the Ascension outside with one of the Usos while the other Uso hits the big splash on Graves to get the pinfall victory. Wasn’t a bad finish for this episode of NXT.  Solid episode.  We’ll see what’s in the big ol’ bag of NXT next week on this show.