WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (April 21, 2014)

So it’s been a rough day and I’m getting to Monday Night RAW a little late.  I’ll probably do a personal blog some time during the week explaining why things are rough for those of you who actually care about that kind of thing but regardless if I’m late to the party or not here’s my RAW recap, which might actually be better because when I’m not live-tweeting RAW I am not wasting material on Twitter and secondly because I am currently medicated.  I should probably be medicated for RAW far more often.

 

Guys: Ask yourself... how drunk would you have to be before you'd hit it?

Guys: Ask yourself... how drunk would you have to be before you'd hit it?

Here is the ugly leprechaun/troll/creature lady thing from NCIS: LA.  I wonder if they’re ever going to cross-promote with this show and let her fight Hornswoggle or El Torito or both.  By the way, they had Hornswoggle vs. El Torito on Smackdown. …which is probably why nobody actually wants to watch Smackdown these days. 

So now it’s time for RAW and we get a recap running down how last week Evolution reunited after stacking the deck against the Shield and now plans to dismantle the Shield personally at Extreme Rules. 

We start things off with Daniel Bryan and his wife Brie Bella.  Even I have to admit they’re kind of a cute couple – even though I’m not sitting here like most of the fans these days Googling photos of their wedding – which is a bit odd and creepy; who invited any of you assholes?  The crowd absolutely loves Daniel Bryan.

I admit even in my dark, sometimes evil soul, that kind of embrace stirs something.  This is immediately interrupted by Stephanie McMahon in a red dress.

Satan never looked so good.  Stephanie McMahon can still get it.  No wonder HHH has 3 kids.  If I were in his shoes I’d have 30 kids by now.  No wonder HHH drinks water in his entrance.  He’s probably dehydrated from banging her all the time.  McMahon tells us that she had to come out here and congratulate Brie and Bryan on their wedding. 

As Stephanie cuts one of her promos that will likely last way too long, Daniel Bryan gets the expression on his face most pimps get when their bottom bitch comes back home without their money.  He’s got that scowl that when combined with a beard makes you think this bitch is about to get shunned by the entire Amish community.  Stephanie somewhat mocks their wedding and condescends Daniel Bryan then adds that she has a wedding present for the two of them and at Extreme Rules Daniel Bryan will be defending his title against Kane.  I wonder if Kane is going to kidnap and impregnate Brie like he did to Lita years ago.  Stephanie says Kane is currently in “demon form” as if he can shape-shift.  Then I remember that Kane is Jewish and that according to the movie Borat, Jews are capable of shape-shifting.  Kane’s music and pyro hits and Stephanie McMahon tries to tell Kane this isn’t the time or place.  Daniel Bryan and Brie escape because Bryan wants to keep his wife out of harm’s way.  Kane appears from the audience however and begins choking Daniel Bryan out.

As a result of Kane’s secondary mutation which allows shape-shifting in addition to the powers of pyrokinesis which he already has, he can now switch from long hair to short hair at will.  Daniel Bryan begins fighting back.  Dr. Shelby would not be pleased.  Kane has Bryan on the ground and turns his attention to Brie.  Stephanie is shouting for Brie to run and for Kane to keep away from her like when you’re at a horror movie and you have that “annoying black woman” shouting behind you while watching the film.  Daniel Bryan is beaten up a little bit on the outside and Jerry the King Lawler shat himself acting like it was the most despicable thing he has ever seen – the Alzheimer’s must be setting in so that he doesn’t recall the 1990s when he used to torment and bully the elderly Stu and Helen Hart to spite Bret.  Kane begins destroying the steel steps after he had tombstoned Bryan on the outside of the ring.  Kane now brings Bryan to a set of steps. 

Kane is just misunderstood.  He is not trying to tombstone Daniel Bryan here.  He just wants to find out what Brie’s vagina smells like.  Can you blame him?

PASSION OF THE CHRIST THAT HURT.  I mean really, should the World’s Largest Jew be beating up on a guy that looks like Jesus the DAY AFTER EASTER?  This is somewhat racist.  Somebody call Mel Gibson!  Stephanie pretends she gives a damn about this and demands the EMTs come out here to tend to the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.  As the medical personnel check on Daniel Bryan I realize how much wasted potential there is here due to the fact Brie and Nikki are no longer identical in appearance therefore we can’t have a chance of Kane “kidnapping the wrong one.”

#BootyHadMeLike

#BootyHadMeLike

IS DANIEL BRYAN SMILING IN THIS PHOTO?  He must be dreaming of that good p-ssy.  I wonder if he’s ever banged her with Flight of the Valkyries playing in the background.  If I were a professional wrestler, I’m not even going to lie, I’d totally bang a girl to my entrance theme… …this is why I’m not a wrestler.  This is why I’m not getting laid.  This is why I am medicated at 12:30 a.m. writing a recap for a show that happened hours and hours ago.  I suddenly really hate my life.  Well, shit.  Kane does not like the EMTs helping Daniel Bryan and flips the stretcher over on him, dumping Bryan out and destroying the stretcher.  Kane lifts Bryan up by the neck brace they have put on him and drags him to the commentary table.  Kane even tosses one of the leather chairs at Daniel Bryan, narrowly missing.  Stephanie begs Kane to stop but the Big Red Monster does not care about what Stephanie has to say as he props Daniel Bryan on the top of the announce table and tombstones him a third time tonight.  Making it even worse is the fact the table doesn’t break.  It doesn’t give, which makes it look even more painful than when it actually falls apart.  Stephanie calls Kane a “bastard.”  This is true; he is.  He’s the bastard son of Paul Bearer (storyline-wise).  The EMTs have another stretcher at the ready and take Daniel Bryan away as Kane leaves the area. 

We come back from the break and officials are finally taking Bryan away.  Stephanie is in the ring holding onto the championship titles (which is a scary picture in and of itself – imagine a world where Stephanie is the undisputed champion); you have to wonder if this is some kind of attempt to vacate the belts.  Stephanie asks for a round of applause for Daniel Bryan, continuing to condescend him.

Why does Sheamus have to exist?  Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus is next.  I hope we get some BAD NEWS before this match begins.  The crowd actually seems to be behind Bad News Barrett as he makes his way to the ring with a microphone.

The crowd actually yells BAD NEWS with him in tandem.  Wade says it’s not as bad as Daniel Bryan’s news but it is still pretty bad.  Barrett explains that shamrocks and lucky charms don’t work here tonight, the luck of the Irish is running out.  This isn’t St. Patrick’s Day.  Today is the day Sheamus is defeated by Bad News Barrett.  Fortunately Barrett and Sheamus work well in the ring together and it has been long enough since we’ve seen them in the ring that I’m hoping it’s just a smash-mouth style match where the beat the crap out of each other.  I also hope that Barrett actually goes on to the finals solely because he’s more interesting and more charismatic in my opinion.  The match doesn’t disappoint in terms of being a slugfest.  In an incredibly fortunate turn of events Barrett puts Sheamus away with the Bullhammer and makes it into the finals.  The crowd loved it.  Have they completely turned on Sheamus?  I hope so.

After some commercials so that the WWE can push Legends House and the USA Network can push Chrisley Knows Best, we get another one of those Bo Dallas promotional videos.  About challenge, change, eggs, birds, flight, and BOLIEVE.

I want to take a moment to point out this guy from the Bo Dallas promo.  This guy is awesome.  That’s me when I get laid, which is never.  Did I mention I hate my life and my dick hates my life too?  Anyway, maybe I’m not BOLIEVING enough which is my problem.

When did Bo Dallas get awesome?  And how?  And why?  Are we all just brainwashed into this? 

Apparently Hugh Jackman will be at RAW next week and somehow this turned into a match between Dolph Ziggler and Damien Sandow which nobody actually even cares about.  Yawn.  Twitter wars.  I INVENTED Twitter Wars.  Apparently Jackman will be there to cross-promote X-Men: Days of Future Past.

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We’re told on the WWE App we can vote for John Cena to either face Luke Harper, Harper and Rowan, or the entire Wyatt Family.  That’s hilarious.  Let’s watch people finally turn on John Cena by making him have to fight all of them.  Cena is lucky this isn’t the Attitude Era in which case there would be some flat-out hillbilly rape scenes in store for him in this feud.

Bray Wyatt is now going to cut a promo.  These are always really good.  I don’t care how out of shape or fat or whatever Bray is; the guy cuts a really solid promo and you can’t deny him that.  Sometimes it isn’t about in-ring talent; all you need is the right marketing ploy to get over.  This guy’s proof.  Bray Wyatt says “free will is man’s biggest illusion.”  That’s actually pretty deep, and true.  Bray says we have become a nation of mindless sheep led by wolves and owned by pigs.  How can you not love these promos?  They make sense – either that or it’s the drugs I’m on right now talking – or I’m just a crazy person like they are.  I can’t grow a full beard though.

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This is my face when I don’t get to see the booty.  Ladies, send baseball cards kthx.  Bray says tonight free will DOES exist and they need to make a choice for the knight in shining armor.  Will they choose the path of less pain or will this mean the night John Cena learns the truth which is WE STAND AGAINST YOU.  I love this promo.  It’s brilliant.  Bray Wyatt says the crowd does not love John anymore.  He asks if the crowd feels the same that he does.  Bray says every time they cross paths he takes MORE OF THEM with him.  They are ALL coming with Bray Wyatt.  That’s one large bukkake party.  He makes the crowd sing with him and the crowd obliges.  They’re a bit out of tune and sound more like zombies being sodomized but I’ll give them a solid B+ for effort.

If that doesn’t become a Wyatt Family t-shirt, WWE has failed.

And… this is my face when I GET to see the booty (which is almost never).

Here is your reminder that nobody knows the difference between Puerto Ricans and Mexicans except for Puerto Ricans and Mexicans.  Can’t I just call them Primo and Epico?  Those were way better names than Fernando and Diego. 

Shouldn’t they be 3.5 MB now?  Or maybe 3.14 MB so we can make Pi jokes?  Something?  Anything?  Nothing.  I can’t believe Heathswoggle is a thing now – just when Hornswoggle wasn’t annoying enough.  I fast forward this because frankly I don’t care and neither should you and drugs doesn’t make this tolerable.  We’re reminded that Evolution is arriving in the building. 

WHEN RANDY ORTON AND DAVE BATISTA GOT FIXED UP FOR THEIR PROM DATES THEY NEVER EXPECTED THAT TRIPLE H WOULD BE THERE TO COCKBLOCK.  THE CHAPERONE 2: FIND IT IN A BARGAIN BIN THIS SPRING FROM WWE STUDIOS!!!  Evolution make their way to the ring and the crowd is somewhat mild for this yet again.  How can you not react to this?  I do laugh at anyone saying they were the “greatest faction of all-time” as if the NWO, DX, and 4 Horsemen all didn’t last longer, have more angles, more history, more members, and better reigns.  But regardless, I do enjoy the reunited Evolution.  And at least now Hunter dresses Dave instead of, well, Dave dressing Dave.


Hunter tries to cut the promo despite the fact he is losing his voice solely because he’s the leader and the best promo guy of the three.  Hunter implies that beating up the Shield is like when you publicly get spanked by your daddy.  That sounds like some dirty kinky stuff Hunter does to Stephanie at 3 a.m. Randy cues a promotional video for Evolution.  We’re just going to ignore that Flair was part of this.  After the video Batista hits some “blah blah Deal with it, which causes the Shield to come out here. 

It’s now time for Ambrose (who has apparently been dubbed “The Tittymaster”) to speak and he says it wasn’t the first time Evolution’s been beaten up and chances are it won’t be the last. Ambrose says the Shield aren’t humbled and there is a reason HHH hired them to protect him and the cream puff Randy Orton next to him.  The dogs are hungry and the dogs are angry.  Seth Rollins now brings up that it took Evolution AND 12 other guys to get the job done.  Rollins says that the reality is they sit there in their little suits and they don’t want to fight.  They talk about how they were built for dominance but in two weeks they come face to face with the hounds and it is going to be all out war.  He says when the chips are down Orton will look out for Orton and Batista will look out for Batista and HHH will do what he always does “what’s BEST for the Boss.”  Rollins says that when this match was made it was the nail in their own coffin and the Shield will be the hammer that drives it home.  Rollins has improved dramatically on the microphone and this is where he shows it.  Reigns, the man of few words basically just says once the microphone drops they’re going to come up there and kick their asses.  The Shield make their way up the ramp and the Brotherhood of Evil Heels comes out to protect Evolution yet again. 

They should just officially add “every heel ever” to Evolution at this rate.  We’re given the “local medical facility” update regarding Daniel Bryan.   We get some Total Divas updates about Naomi marrying Jey Uso.  We also get the Usos fighting Cody Rhodes and Goldust while Ryback and Curtis Axel commentate.  Yeah, I think I need more pills for this.  The one interesting thing I take away from this is that Cody Rhodes pushes Goldust away after the match and seems to be fed up with him.  Goldust gives chase to his brother and Rybaxel assaults the Usos after the match. 

Here is Fandango worshipping Layla’s booty.  That’s pretty much the only important thing here since we’re about to get hit with the filler that is their feud with Emma and Santino.  Emma now uses the Cobra as a finisher.  And with that, Emma’s main roster run is ruined.

John Cena cuts a promo while making a face as if he can hear even the voice of God chant “CENA SUCKS” during it.  He says if the universe wants him to fight all three Wyatts that is what he will have to do. 

Cesaro and his Pet Jew are here.  Oh yeah, BROCK LESNAR BEAT THE UNDERTAKER’S STREAK… in case you didn’t know despite Paul Heyman telling you it about 90 times a promo.  RVD is out so we have our semi-finals match.  Kudos to the commentators for remembering RVD is one of the ORIGINAL “Paul Heyman Guys.”  As this match continues and turns out to be pretty good actually, which you’d expect, we hear the Real Americans theme hit as Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter interrupt the Cesaro Swing.

Cesaro is kicked to the outside by Van Dam, and Swagger makes his way to the ringside area.  He tries to drop Cesaro. RVD attempts to take advantage and gets dropped by Cesaro.  The referee tends to RVD being rolled into the ring by Cesaro and his positioning gives Swagger a chance to toss Cesaro into the ring post while Heyman and Zeb argue.  RVD gets the countout victory and now Cesaro and Swagger brawl inside while Zeb issues instructions. WE… THE PEOPLE.  Cesaro manages to dump Swagger outside and turns his attention to Zeb.  Cesaro is about to swing Colter but Swagger is back in the ring.  He ends up taking the ride instead.  Cesaro’s new music plays.  I get Perry Saturn flashbacks.  Cesaro and Heyman are furious.  This was unexpected since most people expected Cesaro to go all the way to the Intercontinental Title.

It’s time for some heated words about the finish of the match with Renee Young, RVD, Paul Heyman and Cesaro.  Heyman tries to convince RVD not to take a tainted victory.  RVD says he’s going to sleep well at night and tells Cesaro to keep his wallet, house, and future as far away from Paul as possible.  Heyman is highly offended.  Meanwhile back at ringside, Aksana makes her way out for a one on one match.

If my medication weren’t inhibiting my ability to get a boner right now I’d be at full mast.  She is looking GOOD tonight. 

Paige is also looking pretty good.  And I’m actually enjoying her rise to fame and success here in the WWE.  Paige fires up on Aksana which is good.  We need to see aggression out of her and you can only run the “hey she’s a rookie” bit so long in the ring.  She’s the champion now and therefore needs to look like a force.  Paige has a lengthy match with Aksana and it is a good showing where Paige puts Aksana away with the Scorpion Cross-Lock.  Good stuff.  I have no complaints about Paige.

Oh look, FINALLY a reason to watch Smackdown presents itself!  Shouldn’t that match be on the Pay-Per-View though?

Here is a picture of Lana.  I am just going to start pretending Alexander Rusev does not exist so that I can enjoy Anal. Err… Lana.  Err… Anal with Lana?  Err… never mind.  Either way Rusev no longer exists in my world so I can stare at the hot chick and have inappropriate thoughts without it being ruined by a fat dump.  Instead Lana can now manage Grimace from McDonalds. 

As you can see this is a 150% improvement over Alexander Rusev.  Grimace makes his way to the ring, and he is not happy to see Sin Cara who recently ripped off a customer when he only gave them 9 chicken mcnuggets in a ten piece meal.  Not to be ignored are the black community of Truth & Consequences who will take on Grimace at Extreme Rules in a 2 on 1 handicap match due to the fact that Grimace kicked their little negros out of the Playplace the last time they dined at a fine McDonalds establishment.  Suddenly everything Rusev… err… Grimace does is 100% improved as the District Manager of McDonalds, Lana, accompanies him to the ring.  After Grimace kills a Mexican, John Cena makes his way to the ring to find out how many Wyatts he has to fight tonight.  Cena must now take on ALL of them. 

THAT FACE WHEN NIKKI BELLA MISSES HER PERIOD.  Watching the Wyatts dismantle Cena is pretty fun even if they have to tag in and out of the match for some reason.  Something about the Wyatts causes Cena to actually do work.  The match gets thrown out when all 3 Wyatts attack Cena anyway without the tag outs after he had hit the AA/FU/whatever on Bray Wyatt.  Harper and Rowan now begin dismantling Cena and Bray finishes him off with Sister Abigail.

Bray now says in time all things come to light and begins singing.  I’m still waiting for the day we say “screw it” and have them gang bang Nikki Bella.   And yes the singing is how RAW ends.  Creepy and kind of fun because "Cena's Dead LOL."  See you next week, maybe.