WWE NXT is Riv (April 17, 2014)

My Good Friday was actually pretty good because I got paid, ran some errands, it’s not terribly hot, and it’s rainy; the rain washes away all the pollen that causes my allergies to flare up.  Then it immediately stopped being good because I remembered that I had to recap NXT and that CJ Parker vs. The Great Khali was one of the scheduled matches this week. 

That match is going to be like being crucified mentally.  Welcome to NXT.

We’re opening this up with Colin Cassady in singles action.  Enzo Amore must have the slowest healing factor ever, because he’s still out which is why Cassady is running solo these days.  Enzo Amore must have some sort of immune deficiency.  He must have some sort of AIDS to be sitting out this damn long. 

Renee Young is in the both which means all the commentators will forget how to conduct themselves, try to resist masturbating under the table and spam her with corny pick-up lines until she goes away.  Oh, and don’t worry Renee will also make a lot of corny jokes we are supposed to laugh at because, you know, tits. 

The opponent for Big Cass tonight is Aiden English.  We’ve seen this match a few times before because they have been feuding but I thought that feud had pretty much ended at this point.  I like Aiden’s musical intro, but I’m not really sold on the idea of having this match again.  English reminds me of a wacky character from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out due to his skin tone, odd-shaped head and body, and the silly gimmick.  I feel like he’s supposed to sing before throwing a power punch and you’re supposed to KO him with a Star Punch after blocking his attacks.  He’s like some kind of cross between Glass Joe, Don Flamingo, and Von Kaiser.  English begins working Cassady over in the early going but he is overpowered quickly by Big Cass.  I forgot that the only person Regal faps to more than Renee Young is Aiden English, as I listen to Regal sing Aiden’s praises during the match.  English turns the match to his favor by targeting the left knee of Cassady which has been billed by the commentators as one of Cassady’s weak points.  The pace of the match slows while Aiden sings as he beats on Big Cass.  English manages to pull the tights during a pin attempt to steal a victory. 

Devin Taylor interviews Tyler Breeze backstage.  Breeze demands any number of catchy nicknames for Devin to introduce him as, which are saved on his cellular phone.  He basically has nothing to say and only called for interview time because the show needed somebody gorgeous on it.  Meanwhile back at the ringside area…

Camacho has arrived to take on the returning Oliver Grey.  Camacho is basically on his own since Hunico has returned to being Sin Cara.  Camacho has not, however, returned to being a non-Mexican despite the fact he’s from Hawaii or something and the son of Haku, not the son of Juan 1 and Juan 2 from Juarez.  I mean no wonder the guy looks miserable.  They’ve done nothing with him.  And they are likely going to continue doing nothing with him.

Oliver Grey comes out to the most generic music and Titantron ever; how the hell do you get Jannetty’d this bad before even making it to the main roster?  Grey’s former tag partner, Adrian Neville is the current NXT champion and the face of NXT.  Grey spent forever on the injured list to the point people forgot all about him.  Making matters worse is he is dominated and defeated upon his NXT return by Camacho and a Samoan Drop, and the commentators care more about Camacho disliking Adam Rose.  Grey is well on his way to ending up like… Danny Burch.

By the way be sure to check out Asked Wrestling every week here on listentothisshow.com/listen where I repackage Danny Burch every single week.

Bo Dallas now gets an interview backstage about how his attempt to have the Bolievers occupy NXT was unsuccessful.  I feel bad for the guy – he bought them cookies!  Bo explains that his Bolievers are law-abiding citizens which is why nobody wanted to risk doing something unlawful.  Sounds legit.

I mean would THIS face lie to you?  Bo tells Devin Taylor not to stop BOLIEVING and we return to the ring for an Ascension match which is probably against nobody of importance whateosever.

Here they are in their illuminati-looking shirts. They are the longest-reigning tag team champions in NXT history but that’s because they are currently NXT’s ONLY tag team.  Most of the teams that they come up against are just “two guys thrown together.” 

Behold two guys the Ascension squashes a lot.  This lowers the f—ks given by me to 0.  In fact I want to take a few f—ks to give BACK.  This all needs more Danny Burch, NXT jobber extraordinaire.  After a brief match leading to the massacre of two no-namers at the hands of the Ascension we get ANOTHER backstage interview (there are way too many backstage interviews with no point to them tonight), this time with Sasha Banks and Charlotte, the BFFs.

Charlotte’s “Looks like Dad” is only at 7% today and this might be the most female she has ever looked on NXT.  Still there is a part of me that is afraid that her labia looks like her father’s head and face and cuts his promos if you were to take her panties off.  Even Sasha looks decent today.  Maybe I’ve just recently hit a new level of sexually frustrated where I’d actually bang them.  The two are arguing about Sasha’s recent losses and Charlotte says putting Sasha in the driver’s seat the past two weeks has been an epic fail. Charlotte says that next week they have a match against Emma and a partner of her choosing.  Flair craps all over her partner and we cut to this next.

If my Taco Bell dumps could speak they would look and sound something like CJ Parker.  This is going to be rotten.  Parker is on the microphone and says he can’t sleep at night because he wonders what this planet would be like if there was no such thing as the NXT universe.  He says he’d be proud of the earth if there was no NXT universe because there would be no litter in the street or animals in the zoos or SUVs because everything would be fuel efficient.  He asks how they can boo a guy who cares about the earth.  He is interrupted by the Great Khali which is my cue to take drugs.  Drugs are like, the only way this is going to be watchable.  Khali wins.  I frown because all I had left in the house was allergy medication.  It’ll have to do.  This will probably knock me out.

Sami Zayn has a backstage exclusive interview about his match being stopped by the referee a few weeks ago and Graves getting a win.  At this point, despite the fact Zayn is competent on the mic, I just don’t care because we’ve had way too many backstage interviews.   Zayn says that he dislikes Corey Graves and Graves is the kind of guy that needs to be put in his place.  Meanwhile at ringside, for some ungodly reason Jason Jordan and Ty Dillinger have become a tag team complete with matching gear.

THIS is how desperate they are to have teams to thwart the Ascension.  They are fighting Sawyer Fulton and Baron Corbin.  Sawyer is cool because I dissed him once on Twitter and he dissed me back – he rolls with the punches.  Baron Corbin sucks because I dissed him once and he blocked like a bitch.  You gotta be able to adapt, counter, and thwart on a mental level.  Corbin has like none of that.  Since Fulton and Corbin were “already in the ring” and the team of Jordan/Ty are getting fanfare, it’s easy to see who is going to come out on top in this one. 

After Jason Jordan and Ty Dillinger pick up the win, we’re reminded Adrian Neville is taking on Brodus Clay in what should be a decent match to close up this week’s NXT.  The match isn’t too bad – it’s very David vs. Goliath but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing – you forget just how monstrous Brodus can be because of how much of his career recently was wasted on dancing and being silly.  The guy’s got a great move-set and looks intimidating.  Plus making him look like a threat to the NXT title is always good.  The finish comes when Brodus slams Neville outside and goes for a splash off the steps, only to drop himself to the mat.  Neville rushes the ring at the last second to beat the count-out.  Brodus loses by count-out which is actually a good way to guarantee this series continues since there is no pinfall victory here.  This was an alright episode of NXT that might have been a bit excessive with the backstage interviews.  What did you expect from an episode with Great Khali on it?  That’s like the kiss of death.