From The Archives: The True Story of Easter!

Being that it is Easter season we wanted to bring back this article from the JasonRivera.com archives. Due to the fact many of these articles were written many years ago, some of the original authors wish to remain anonymous in the re-posting of said articles.  All you need to know is that Riv wasn't responsible for this one.  Thanks.

This past semester, I got roped into taking a course about ancient Greek and Roman civilizations. It’s not the most exciting class that I’ve ever taken, but I did learn a few important things. First of all, everyone in Greece were very gay. Really, really gay. I’m not sure if that’s still the case today, but those ancient Greeks loved the man chowder like nobody‘s business. The other thing of importance that I learned of were the true details of Jesus’ life.

Now I’m not a religious guy. I’ve never gone to Church, and I‘m not all that up on any one religion. So it was kind of cool to learn about Jesus Christ, the guy, and not Jesus, the worshipped Messiah. If you’re down with the man upstairs, then that’s cool, but I just never really bought the whole thing. It always seemed just a little far-fetched. Obviously Jesus was a real guy though, and history proves that to be true. He must really have done a number on those early Christians to inspire them to survive centuries of persecution, and for the belief to persevere long enough for Christians to finally come into power themselves, and use it persecute everyone else in the world. So since it is Easter and all, I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole Resurrection scenario. Resurrection is a pretty tough thing to fake, and it’s even harder to actually do for real. So if Jesus Christ was just a normal guy, then what really happened that fateful third day, anyway?

To understand the past, you first need to understand…the even further past. The story begins in Bethlehem, on December 25th (or January 6th, because even historians aren’t totally sure).

Long ago, Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ. Everyone knows this. Yet a little known evidence suggests that the Virgin Mary actually gave birth to twins. Whoever impregnated Mary had some truly potent sperm; that much is certain. The two children were born on some day or another, and were named Jesus, and Manny Christ, respectively.

Both Manny and Jesus were destined for great things, but there could be only one believed Messiah. Since Manny Christ had a unibrow and a lisp, he was not treated as well as Jesus, even from the beginning. When the Three Wise Men arrived bearing gifts, Jesus got to keep all of the Gold and Frankincense, while all Manny received was some Mer.

It was then that a group of shadow figures approached Mary and Joseph, and offered them a deal. Fifty gold shillings and a new donkey, proved to be more than enough incentive for this poor carpenter and his previously virgin wife to trade their children away for. After all, Mary got pregnant from someone other than her husband, so how high were her morals, anyway? Besides, Joseph pocketed the Wise Men’s gold when no one was looking. He was a pretty sneaky guy.

These shadowy figures were determined to create their own religion from a carefully crafted combination of accurate history, small half-truths, and completely fabricated events. The only problem was in getting people to believe that they had a higher power on their side. Surely, if their figurehead could be publicly resurrected, then no one would question the legitimacy of their suspect beliefs. Since Jesus had an air of greatness about him from birth, he was chosen to spread the word of God. On the other hand, Manny was a little strange. So they just locked him in a cave 33 ½ years by himself to keep him out of the way. Nothing ruins perfectly good plans like dirty little kids with birth defects.

Manny Christ didn’t have much to do in a cave all by himself for so long, so he just went swimming alone in the grotto all the time. Although he lacked many skills, he did become an excellent swimmer. While Jesus was turning water into wine, Manny was turning water into…water, but he was having fun while doing it. The fun did not last though, and as Manny grew older, he was rapidly becoming unhappy with his diet of rats, toenails, and Mer.

Life was very lonely in the cave. Manny went through puberty, but he didn’t really know much about girls, so it was a very awkward experience. For a while there, the rats made themselves pretty scarce around young Manny Christ. Around the time of his 18th birthday, Manny decided that he wanted to go to prom like all of the other kids. He searched the cave for days, looking for a prom date, but could not find one. So while his brother Jesus had the choice of countless pieces of ancient poon, Manny would have settled for any action he could get, even the wenches with dried up vaginas that closely resembled the craggy shores of Crete that populated the land.

 Manny was nothing if not innovative though.

Not many people can say that they took a cave drawing to their prom. Even fewer people can say that they lost their virginity to one. Manny Christ was truly a man of many talents, but his literal moment of the sun was soon to come. Jesus was crucified by the Romans at Golgotha. He was a pretty cool guy, and he died an early and unfortunate death, but martyrs alone do not build religions. Something more special is needed. That’s where Manny came in.

Jesus died. End of story. He lived a good life, he distributed bread and fish, and he helped a lot of Leprosy victims. The first part of the plan was a success. The people loved Jesus, yet they would love him even more if he returned to them. So on the third day of what would eventually be known as Easter Sunday, Manny was eventually released from his cave.

“Hey guysh! It’sh me…uh….Jesush. I’m alive!”

“Hey guysh! It’sh me…uh….Jesush. I’m alive!”

In a move that would be imitated nearly two millennia later by Patty Duke and The Killer Bees, Manny had impersonated his late brother Jesus, and come back to life. Lazarus was even in on it and everything, and it was a pretty solid plan. No one really called Manny on his lisp and unibrow, because that’s the least of your problems when you come back to life.

"Manny Chri…I mean…Jesush Chrisht….I’m jusht glad I shtill have my ballsh left”

"Manny Chri…I mean…Jesush Chrisht….I’m jusht glad I shtill have my ballsh left”

So many finally got to live for a while out in the real world. Manny’s “resurrection” was the catalyst needed for Christianity to take hold of public consciousness. Stories were written about the ordeal, but for some reason, Manny’s part in “The Greatest Story Ever Told” was left out, and all of the credit was given to his brother. It was probably better that way, because otherwise the act of having sex with cave drawings would have be part of the Christian orthodox. At least the Mormons can still claim to uphold that fine tradition, even today.

So on this beloved Easter holiday, be sure to pay your own personal respects to the unsung hero of Easter. The Cadbury Easter Bunny. Oh, and Manny Christ, too.