WWE Monday Night RAW is Riv (April 14th, 2014)

Well it’s time for RAW – so can WWE continue to ride the wave of Wrestlemania momentum tonight?  Let’s find out – also if for some reason you’re a bit behind, Adam Pearson and I are now doing a wrestling show that is located here on this very website on Sunday nights at 5 PM EST every week – so listen to episode 1 of Asked Wrestling by clicking here to get caught up if you’re a bit out of the loop.  Shameless self-promotion is kind of what I do, so get used to it.

Apparently one piece of news we got before the program is that there is a tournament to decide who will take on Big E for the Intercontinental Championship.  I am predicting now that Jack Swagger and Cesaro will make it to the finals and Cesaro will go on to win the Intercontinental Championship because due to the fact the WWE and World titles are unified the IC belt is the second biggest (despite the fact Big E is hardly used). We also know there will be multiple Ultimate Warrior tributes tonight as well in light of his passing one week ago.

We kick off with the entire roster on the ramp and most of the roster in Ultimate Warrior t-shirts, followed by a video package and a ten bell salute.  Many crowd shots are shown of people in attendance with signs paying tribute to the Ultimate Warrior.

I kind of wish we’d just keep playing Warrior Tributes instead of getting this match we already saw last week between the Usos and Randy Orton/Batista.  Since Orton & Batista got disqualified and smashed the Usos they want revenge in another match.  We’re told Rob Van Dam vs. Alberto Del Rio will kick off RAW tonight as part of the Intercontinental Title tournament.  I always wondered why most of the time why he is under contract RVD opens RAW with his match – I assume because he gets stoned as f--- later in the night and now is the best time to rely on him, at the start of the program.

RVD vs. ADR will start things off and Del Rio is pretty hated so I would laugh uncontrollably if despite Cesaro’s push, or Swagger’s mini-push or RVD’s return if Del Rio somehow went all the way to the end and won the Intercontinental Title. It would still be better than Mark Henry, who is probably the worst person involved in this tournament. Crowd is firmly behind Van Dam who is looking good in this match, some crowds don’t react to RVD very well (some crowds are pretty dead) but apparently Birmingham is into what he’s doing and the flow of the match goes pretty well.  Del Rio whips RVD into the security wall outside and we hit commercials so USA can tell us to watch Modern Family about 17 times a break.  I think RVD has this because RVD vs. Cesaro sounds more marketable on paper and Del Rio is said to be unhappy and wanting to leave the WWE so it seems like they would give more to Van Dam at this point.  Although Del Rio gets some incredible offense in on this match.  These guys do have some great ring chemistry and this is a better match than their feud over custody of Ricardo Rodriguez last year.  RVD manages to block Del Rio’s armbreaker attempt and hit the five-star frog splash for the victory and the advancement into the tournament.  We’re told Daniel Bryan is off celebrating his honeymoon after marrying Brie Bella so instead of him being here live we get a video package recapping last week’s antics between Daniel Bryan and Triple H/Stephanie McMahon as well as the Shield deciding to turn on The Authority and align themselves with the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

Backstage, Orton and Batista arrive and discuss business with HHH, their former mentor in Evolution.  Meanwhile we see the Ultimate Warrior’s match at Summerslam ’88 where he took the Intercontinental Title away from the Honky Tonk Man, ending his 64 week reign as champion.  When we come back HHH tries to rally Batista and Orton against the Shield.  Evolution vs. the Shield would be epic but both Batista and Orton only want title matches against Daniel Bryan.

Cody Rhodes and Goldust are taking on Rybaxel so I decide to take on my toilet bowl.  Rybaxel manages to defeat the Rhodes Brothers.  At least it didn’t last long.  After a little shilling for the Network we get another inspirational BO DALLAS promo.

The new Divas champion Paige is here.  Her entrance is catchy, and they really managed to make her a star overnight last week when she defeated AJ upon her RAW debut to become the first woman to hold both the NXT Women’s and WWE Divas title at the same time.  Paige is taking on Alicia Fox – see also: squash match.  If Alicia got beat any more than she already does she’d have to run north to prevent it from continuing to happen.  This match does allow Alicia offense to try to play up Paige’s rookie status although Paige fires up with a few clotheslines and manages to take Alicia down with a dropkick after then locks in her submission finisher, the Scorpion Crosslock for the win.

That’s erotic.  The Usos vs. Randy Orton and Batista is up next and I sort of lose interest solely because nothing is on the line and this isn’t going to be a feud. I long for a true tag team division/rivalry and we’re not going to get it out of Orton/Batista vs. the Usos.   Eventually the Shield runs out and attacks Orton and Batista ending the match in a disqualification.  Orton abandons Batista who is trapped in the middle of the ring surrounded by all three members of the Shield.  After the Shield beats the crap out of Batista we see highlight footage of Warrior’s Wrestlemania match up against Hulk Hogan and some commercials.  This RAW’s pace already feels much slower than last weeks which seemed to breeze by and have lots of energy. 

Batista and Orton walk around with their heads down like two kids who found out there are no chocolate chip cookies in the house.  HHH gives them an “I told you so” and storms off.  Back at the ringside area the Real Jew Paul Heyman is out here.

Heyman reminds us Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker’s Streak and introduces Cesaro ready for his match with the world’s sweatiest black man Mark Henry.  But first, Heyman wants to show us historical photographs of the Undertaker losing. 

Where the hell did Cesaro’s entrance music go?  Paul Heyman says anytime he says someone is the next top-tier talent we should listen.  The counter to that is that Heyman managed Curtis Axel and look how THAT turned out.  One brief match with Mark Henry later, Cesaro stands the winner and advances in the tournament. 

Triple H and Stephanie demand Brad Maddox tell the Shield they have a match tonight in the main event and to NOT tell them who the opponents are.  This HAS to be The Shield vs. Evolution, right?  Also what a great General Manager Brad Maddox is – by HAVING NO POWER WHATSOEVER.

Lana apparently has her own entrance theme as she comes out here and tells us that it is futile to resist Alexander Rusev.

Rusev looks like the type of guy who you are forced to sit next to on a crowded Subway because there are no other open seats the smells like horrible BO. He is taking on Xavier Woods who I believe he has beaten at least twice on NXT already.  Rusev breaks Woods in record time and beats up R-Truth after as well.  These two have the Rocky IV script wrong.  Rusev is supposed to MURDER Consequences Creed and then cut a promo about him dying while R-Truth looks sad about it.   After commercials and a look at Warrior’s cage match against Rick Rude at Summerslam we go on to…

Zeb may have lost Cesaro but he still has Jack Swagger who is taking on Sheamus.  I really hope Swagger wins this. I don’t remotely care about Sheamus.  That guy needed a heel turn this year badly.   The only thing I take away from this is that people LOVE when Swagger says WE… THE PEOPLE.  Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick after a long, aggressive, intense match. I’m bummed because Sheamus bores me and reminds me of potatoes and unshaved ginger vagina.  At least this means Bad News Barrett will likely advance. 

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We get another Adam Rose promo.  The music is catchy and infectious and will probably stay stuck in my head for a week now thanks to this. 

Damien Sandow is out here to job to the Big Show.  He was apparently cutting a promo about how much his life sucks. Sandow tells Big Show not to interrupt him and says that we should all be bent over ready to touch him when he comes out. Confirmed:  Sandow likes anal.   He says he deserves “it.”  This will end with Big Show punching him in the face any second now.  The Wyatt Family are up next to quite an ovation for a group of bad guys.

Bray Wyatt comes out here and cuts a promo against society and its rules.  I dig it.  Bray cuts some of the best promos we’re hearing in the WWE regardless of if he’s a giant fat cherubic guy with a beard.  Bray says he has never lied to them like John Cena is and he says don’t worry because he has Cena on the ropes and all Cena needs is one last little push.  He says Abigail will be his sword but he will not slay this monster yet; he merely wants it to come out and play.  He beckons John Cena to the ring.  John Cena mocks his own career saying the last thing he needs is “another push.”  Nobody needs that, he says.  John Cena jokes and mocks the Wyatts and Sister Abigail.   

Well she does have some big tits.

Well she does have some big tits.

He then says he found Wyatt’s mother on Tinder.

SWIPE TO THE RIGHT TO SAY YES ON TINDER.

SWIPE TO THE RIGHT TO SAY YES ON TINDER.

…Bobbie Jo Wyatt – with Harper’s head.  John Cena finally shows a baby Wyatt with Rowan’s head:

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John Cena says that now he’s going to get serious and when John Cena gets serious Bray Wyatt gets beat.  Cena then adds he wants a cage match with Bray Wyatt at Extreme Rules.  Yawn.

Santin-Emma vs. Fandango & Layla who replaced Summer Rae for Fandango on this week’s Smackdown.  I can’t say I care. As much as I like Emma, Fandango and Layla, this feud is very dead-end and there isn’t much going on here that I care about.

We are reminded Summer Rae and Fandango broke up… on Twitter, which is what most couples these days do and reminds me I am glad to not be in a relationship.  After Fandango and Layla win a match hardly anybody gives a damn about we get Stephanie McMahon yelling at Kane.

Is it me or is Kane staring at Steph's tits?

Is it me or is Kane staring at Steph's tits?

Kane gets scolded by Stephanie like he is an unruly child.  She wants to know where the devil favorite demon and the monster that made women and children cry went.  She essentially calls him a pussy.  Kane goes for his mask and guarantees Stephanie that he will eviscerate Daniel Bryan. 

YOU CAN’T SPELL CHALLENGE WITHOUT CHANGE.  IT’S HARD FOR AN EGG TO BECOME A BIRD BUT AN EGG CAN NEVER LEARN TO FLY.  IF YOU’RE GOING TO RISE TO THE CHALLENGE YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR CHANGE.  YOU JUST HAVE TO BO-LIEVE.  After replaying Warrior’s speech from RAW last week, we get Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett. 

In between we get another Adam Rose party where the Bunny loses at Hungry Hungry Hippos and gets sad before Rose cheers him up.  Adam Rose's parties might be a little too PG.  Women would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos under strip rules and there would be lots of booze if I threw a party.

I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR DOLPH ZIGGLER – WWE likes to do face vs. heel and since Sheamus advanced… I think Barrett’s got this in the bag. Great match, though – and it’s between two guys who haven’t gotten much time to shine in the ring so they’re making the most of it.  After a very back-and-forth match with a lot of close calls for both men, Barrett puts Dolph Ziggler away with the Bullhammer.  Dolph sold that Bullhammer like a champ, though. 

It’s time for our main event – maybe Im all wrong.  Maybe this is the long-awaited return of the Mean Street Posse. Unfortunately instead of Evolution we get Alberto Del Rio. …and Jack Swagger.  And Fandango.  AND 3MB.  And Titus O’Tiny Dick. And Rybaxel. And Rusev. And Wade Barrett. 

The Shield is now taking on most of the heel roster. I am somewhat disappointed but not surprised because why would they give away Evolution vs. the Shield on regular TV right?  The match quickly deteriorates into a brawl and gets thrown out, with the best spot being Rollins diving to the outside on everyone.  Now this turns into a brawl with the Shield quickly being overwhelmed by the numbers game. 

Obviously the Shield is overcome by the waves and waves of heels.  Finally when its all said and done, Evolution’s theme and TItantron hits.

What a moment – Triple H, leads Orton and Batista down to the ring.  The heels depart and now it’s Orton, Batista and HHH picking the scraps.  Reigns tries to fight back as best he can but is RKO’d back to Samoa.  Batista drops Reigns right after with the Batista bomb.  As Rollins tries to get to his feet, HHH begins firing away on him while Batista puts the boots to Ambrose.  Orton steps on Rollins’ nuts and he is hit with an RKO as well right after.  Batista folds Rollins up with the Batista bomb.  Now finally one more is given to Dean Ambrose… into the RKO, shades of what we saw at Wrestlemania. 

Evolution taunts Reigns who is crawling and struggling to get back to his feet as HHH demands Reigns shows him what he’s got.  HHH tells Reigns to BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION before dropping him with the pedigree to close out the show.  What a finish. 

Shield’s dead.  And we have ourselves a match at Extreme Rules.