From the Archives: Gimps Gone Wild!

After discussing this website on Episode 202 of Asked earlier this week, I felt it was a good time to bring this article I wrote for JasonRivera.com back in 2010 out of the archives. I apologize in advance for the imagery that will likely haunt you forever. -Riv

I probably at some point intended to make a full article out of this, and my mind either blocked it from memory, or I was so traumatized by that time Curtis and I reviewed 1 Night In China that I ran far, far away from Gimps Gone Wild, never to look back. I know a few months ago I said I would stop being so mean to the "differently-abled", but there are just some things that I cannot and will not let pass.

Here is their mission statement taken directly from their page, where they claim this is some sort of statement that the handicapped can be sexually attractive and sexually active. As we’ve seen with the feature video The ABCS of Sexual Education for Trainables, it doesn’t typically end well. While I can understand and even sympathize with the need to overcome adversity and the shitty cards life has handed you, chances are if I had a really bad disease, or in some other way dangerously disabled that I would just simply have to accept the fact that “sex is not in the cards” for me. Cut and dry, they can talk about all the “equality and overcoming adversity” they want but the bottom line is the site exists for one reason:

There is an asshole somewhere on the earth willing to masturbate to the fantasy of having sex with cripples and/or retarded persons. And this site is trying to make money off that fetish.

Now you must journey with me. Not to the center of the earth but to the center of one of those many things that makes me ultimately have no faith in the human race - a website selling sex... from people with major diseases/handicaps.

Kitten is the leader of Gimps Gone Wild, a crippled midget who also has Osteogenesis Imperfecta (yes, that disease from Unbreakable). I guess I’ll let Samuel L. Jackson explain her condition to us since he does it so much better than I ever could:

Basically she is a real-life Humpty Dumpty. If she falls down a flight of stairs everything in her body could break. I really don’t think these people are supposed to be having sexual intercourse. On the forums of my old website we had two girls that went by Kitty, and both girls were actually pretty and likeable ladies. Unfortunately while most good things come in threes, Good Kitties DO NOT:

I feel like I’m looking at Verne Troyer’s long-lost sister, only Troyer might actually have a better set of tits and be inherently less frightening to have intercourse with (no homo). Also Troyer’s bones don’t fall apart like peanut brittle.

Here she is trying to look like a fairy but she came out looking more like Gannon from the Legend of Zelda. I find the prospect of this thing in a sexual manner terrifying. I think I’d rather stick my penis in a bowl of jelly or an ottoman or something. I think I need some bait and some Silver Arrows to get rid of her, or at least jab my own eyes out with.

Next up on the scary list is Hazel Haze- Hazel tells us she is not shy at all but she’s so disturbing to look at that I wish she WAS shy! In fact I wish she was terrified of cameras and of people because we would all be better off!

23 photos? 3 was enough. In fact 3 was too much. And I haven’t seen a cat that terrified in years. Hazel tells us her illness is Hemiplegia, a condition where the limbs on one side of the body have severe weakness. Well, what do you call a condition where the limb in your pants has a severe weakness? Erectile dysfunction and I think I may have come down with a severe case of it after seeing this creature naked. For someone who is afflicted with this illness, she really doesn’t look to be crippled as much as just be a random fat person. It still makes me quite sad.

What amazes me is the fact that even creepy handicapped people make use of the whole Good-Angle-Bad-Angle sneak attack of the Internet. Take a good look below.

They look normal, human. Maybe perhaps even pretty... But when you click to view more photos, something terrible happens:

Now for a few comments - one is that I didn’t think that people with Bell’s Palsy got much uglier than Jim Ross and I have been proven wrong. She also has Parkinson’s Disease, which the best part of having Parkinson’s Disease is that you are your own vibrator. Disgustingly enough her lower left photo looks like it belongs in that god-awful series of films, August Underground, which is probably the only way she could be any worse off. As for the woman on the toilet, I don’t even like watching ATTRACTIVE WOMEN make a toilet, much less some deformed creature. These are people that make me glad I may not have 20/20 vision anymore. In fact, I’m probably not blind enough.

Possibly the one Gimp Woman on this entire site that makes me laugh uncontrollably however is Ingalicious.

Aside from the fact she has tubes going to and from her like she’s a cable box connected to a television set she has a strange resemblance to a former love interest whom I wasted five (or six) years of my life with, Brandi. And there is something hilarious about the thought of someone who screwed me over with tubes going to and from them. I wonder if she gets HBO and SHO.

fetusmaybe.jpg

Jesus Christ, she looks like some baby that never got done being born, or reminds me of the guy with the huge head, Big Brain, in the Hills Have Eyes.

bigbrain.jpg

That guy always makes me laugh when I think I have it bad. At least my head isn’t gravitating towards the floor. I bet he could make a quick buck with Gimps Gone Wild as well since they do not discriminate in terms of gender:

ATTENTION RUSSIA: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO DRINK VODKA DURING PREGNANCY.

ATTENTION RUSSIA: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO DRINK VODKA DURING PREGNANCY.

Actually, he’s not that bad off other than the whole obsession with women’s panties and shit because he almost looks exactly like the lead singer from Linkin Park and that guy gets laid all the time. Only modern society can make me feel overweight at being 6’1, 215 lbs.

Mother of God! Where do I find the words to even describe “Bobby?” That by far has to speak for itself just on the photo. Dare I click? Yes, because I am Riv and I am a sick bastard.

The really ugly sweater makes this photo. I wish I had a sweater that ugly.  I'd be pimpin' and gimpin' too.

The really ugly sweater makes this photo. I wish I had a sweater that ugly.  I'd be pimpin' and gimpin' too.

19 "sexy" pics of Bobby on his wheelchair?!? I don’t like looking at men, but morbid curiosity makes me wonder - WHAT THE HELL could be in that set that would constitute paying $40.95 for it. Hell, I don’t even think EdWood, Asked’s first (and only) Homosexual Co-Host would dare throw that kind of cash around to even find out. Sorry Bobby, but you’re SOL and you poop in a bag.

The next member of the group I need to laugh at is Billy, who has that disease that causes him to have stunted gimpy arms:

I legitimately feel sorry for this guy because he can’t jerk himself off. I don’t even know what to say to that. I’d probably have killed myself a long time ago if I couldn’t masturbate at times where I was single or where my girlfriend could not have sexual intercourse with me. I will never take my exceptionally long boxer’s arms for granted ever again.

Finally it amuses me that Gimps Gone Wild has as many bad gimmicks at 1990s WWF and WCW wrestling, when you have guys such as Dragon in his cowboy gimmick and a crippled guy in a kilt named the Wild Highlander.

Future TNA Tag Team Champions?

Future TNA Tag Team Champions?

I certainly would love to see these guys tag up and take the belts from the Usos or from the Bro Mans in the future. Then again given the state of tag team wrestling in the year 2014 that’s likely to happen, someone is likely to mistake GGW for a Wrestling organization and hire these people. Oh well, they’d be a better team than Rybaxel at least.

All in all our journey through Gimps Gone Wild has not been pleasant. I should not have decided to this article late at night because these people will haunt my nightmares. I should not have decided to this article because I do not have a woman nearby to hold me and tell me it will be ok when I wake up to nightmares of a woman with tubes in her neck who resembles my ex trying to fellate me, but how would one even explain that nightmare to a significant other without getting dog-housed? I’d end up on the couch. Crying. Crying and awake because my insomnia has returned and there is just no way that I could sleep easily after this journey. However that is the sacrifice we make as Huge Internet Superstars for articles, for progress. And hopefully I will never have to make that sacrifice again...

...at least not until the SEQUEL which involves an entire SOCIAL NETWORKING WEBSITE for gimps. Also if I have a child and they do not end up mentally retarded after all this it will be undeniable proof that there is no such thing as God, though Gimps Gone Wild should be proof of that enough.

OnlineBootyCall.com - Finding the pieces... without the Puzzle