HEY now THAT is how I want to start Monday Night! Thank you NCIS! Tonight’s RAW is in Chicago, which means that it’s very likely to have a crowd that is 95% retarded & wants CM Punk’s balls in their mouth. Over the past few days a stupid movement called “hijack RAW” has been going around. You can see the details below:
The fact people are placing an over-inflated sense of importance on the crowd and not the talent is kind of completely ridiculous. It doesn’t matter how mad you are at the WWE if you’re still giving them your money and attending the event. And for the 100th time “CM Punk left on his terms, if he comes back it’ll be on his terms not yours.” If the guy doesn’t want to wrestle, he doesn’t want to wrestle and no amount of chants will change that. Wrestling fans may not historically be the brightest people on earth but the level of hysteria caused by social networking is getting out of hand. People are getting all “Cut for Bieber” about their favorite guy not being the champion or their favorite guy not being in the company – it’s simple. Go look at other companies and find other favorite guys. Chill out and if it raises your blood pressure this much, don’t watch it. Or cope by making wise-cracks and dissing everything – my blood pressure never goes up watching this. It’s a TV show at the end of the day and has no bearing on my personal life. If it does to you, you’re taking it too seriously.
On an unrelated note I’m pretty sure this Chrisley Knows Best guy on this new USA reality television show is a closeted homosexual. The daughter on the show can get it though. Is she legal? A loud CM Punk chat can be heard despite the commentators talking over it and trying to make it go away.
We get told of two big matches tonight: The Shield vs. The Wyatts, and Batista vs. Daniel Bryan. CM Punk’s theme and titantron suddenly hits. Is he here? I hope not. The crowd is disappointed when Paul Heyman makes his way out here, the former manager of CM Punk.
Heyman is trolling the crowd already, pointing the microphone at them while they chant for CM Punk. Paul Heyman says that he believes CM Punk deserves louder than that.
Heyman now mimics CM Punk’s sitting on the mat Indian-style and says he is here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman Guy. The crowd boos, even though the chances are this is all for them. Paul Heyman says this Paul Heyman Guy was never truly wanted in the WWE, and that THEY thought was too small to main event Wrestlemania. A Paul Heyman guy who didn’t have the corporate look, too many tattoos, and a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the system. I have a feeling he’s going to troll them and say BROCK LESNAR. He says this is a Paul Heyman guy who has the balls to say what nobody has to say. Paul Heyman then brings up this Paul Heyman guy is from Chicago so that settles that; it won’t be Brock Lesnar. Heyman says this is his pipe bomb about CM Punk who is not here this evening. Heyman says he agrees with the crowd and nobody is more upset about it than Paul Heyman. Heyman brings up the questions as to why nobody talks about Punk anymore, nobody is talking about what happened. Heyman says somebody has to be held accountable and there comes a time you have to point the finger of blame at someone. Heyman says he points the blame at CM Punk not being here is the fault of all of them. Heyman reminds us that CM Punk was the longest reigning champion in 25 years when he was with Heyman and then the fans took him away from Heyman and his career pretty much went down the toilet because of it. Heyman says he doesn’t just blame the audience but ALSO blames the Undertaker because when CM Punk couldn’t beat the streak that’s when this all happened and for that Paul Heyman wants revenge.
Brock Lesnar DID show up at RAW and JBL and Michael Cole remark this might be the most at risk The Undertakers streak has ever been in. Brock has the microphone which is a rare sight mainly because talking isn’t Brock’s strong point. Brock says that unlike some people he does not make claims he cannot back up. The Undertaker attacked him because Brock believes in his heart that The Undertaker is scared of Brock Lesnar. Brock then runs down the names of people who failed such as Shawn Michaels, HHH, and their own little baby boy CM Punk – all failures. At Wrestlemania 30, the streak will be conquered by BROCK LESNAR. I like how it’s impossible to say Brock Lesnar’s name without shouting it. I feel like if you had to have a conversation, you’d have to SHOUT Brock Lesnar at Volume level 10 even if the rest of your conversation is at a 5. He should legally have his name changed to be in ALL CAPS all the time.
Mark Henry blocks Brock Lesnar’s escape. This is… uneventful. Nothing Mark Henry does at this point is really all that interesting. Mark gets thrown into the steel stairs like 400 lbs. of pure dog crap. Apparently Mark Henry does not have a calendar and didn’t realize it is March meaning his Black History Month Super Powers are gone. Brock Lesnar preps the announce table so that he can put the World’s Strongest Sweat Machine through it. After Brock makes sure that Viscera has company on his journey to the afterlife, we are told the Usos are taking on the New Age Outlaws for the 87th time in like 3 weeks.
I’m pretty much sick of this match at this point. Commercials air, and it’s time for me to get a drink or something. Too bad I don’t have an alcoholic drink right now to make “Raw is Reruns” matches more tolerable. I would say that I care but that would be a lie. I’m going to play World of Warcraft while the same match happens.
Well it’s about damn time. The good news is the Usos are the Tag Team Champions, finally. The bad news is that the New Age Outlaws have a rematch clause meaning we get to sit through this match AGAIN at some point in the near future.
Ugh. Please refer to my article I posted earlier today at why Aaron Paul is not a bad-ass in any way shape or form and why society needs to stop.
And a sex symbol too? I find it ridiculous the WWE writers have Brie and Nikki Bella acting like they’d do Aaron Paul when the WWE pushes Total Divas so much that we are aware Brie & Daniel Bryan are together as well as Nikki & John Cena. Talk about promoting unchaste relationships. Hoes.
This is a match from last week too. Still it’s fun to watch because apparently Cesaro is being treated as a face as he torments Big E. Right after the Cesaro Swing, Jack Swagger runs in and hits the Swagger Bomb for no reason. Their argument causes Big E to squash Cesaro on the mat after a DQ. I simply can’t stop laughing at how matter-of-factly Swagger rushed in and hit the Swagger Bomb.
The Shield is out here to an ovation. I bet it smells like sweat, jizzy, vaginal juices, and failure in that crowd though. We’re going right to the Shield vs. the Wyatts which should appease the Chicago crowd enough for them to stop worrying about CM Punk for a few minutes.
The Wyatts are on the way to the ring. I have to give WWE credit for doing a good job putting these two teams together and making them very interesting to the viewers. The Shield gets the jump on the Wyatts before the bell rings with dominance on Bray himself. The bell rings and starts off with Seth Rollins and Luke Harper as the legal men. Luke Harper tries to back suplex Rollins off the middle rope, and Rollins lands on his feet, goes into crack-head mode and dives everywhere – on Harper, on Rowan on the other side of the ring, everywhere. Harper tosses Rollins against the barricade outside, and we hit some commercials. Seth Rollins is in the Shield corner but Bray Wyatt distracts Ambrose, and Reigns tries to get Ambrose back into his corner – leaving Rollins alone with nobody to tag. The psychology continues. Ambrose manages to tag in anyway after a few moments and locks up with Rowan. Ambrose even locks in the Figure-4 at some point in the center of the ring, but Harper manages to stomp Ambrose out of it. Reigns and Harper fall to the outside and the referee loses control as Harper is sent into the crowd. Bray Wyatt tosses Ambrose to the mat and begins beating on him at this point. Rowan is tagged in and maintains control over Ambrose in the ring. Things spiral out of control and Rollins walks out on the team saying he can’t be the glue that keeps Reigns and Ambrose in check anymore. Rollins watches from the ramp despite Reigns and Ambrose trying to win the match. Ambrose gets hit with the Sister Abigail and the Wyatts win again.
It’s time to DEAL WITH IT. Batista is interviewed by Renee Young. I wonder how many times he’s been balls deep in her since coming back. Batista says the Yes Moment is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen in his life and that these fans watch too many movies and read too many comics and think an average guy like Daniel Bryan has a chance against Batista. He says they may not like it, but this is a fact – DEAL WITH IT.
Well that sucks – that means that we’ll have to put up with it 2-3 more times if not enough people worship it on the Network version of Main Event. They'll probably give the Outlaws like ten rematches.
Summer Rae is actually looking great out here as she and Fandango will take on Santino and Emma. As usual Emma’s live RAW crowd reaction is so disappointingly stagnant. I’ll be honest – I have no idea who won because I really had to take a piss and what better time to do that than during a match that contains Santino? I come back and here we go with another match that has been somewhat overdone.
The show hasn’t been bad, really, but I feel like matches like this are unnecessary. Christian vs. Sheamus would probably make better sense if Sheamus were the heel but we decided to make Christian a desperate “I Have AIDS” guy. After a VERY, VERY long match, Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick. The sad part is it isn’t even a terrible match – just an overdone one and a very long one in a feud that’s relatively pointless and has already been done.
As if a really long Sheamus match wasn’t enough – we get a Sheamus interview with follows up with Christian beating the crap out of him backstage. Nobody cares.
Sluts! And they are taking on Alicia Fox and Aksana. Usually I am very anti-boob-job but I admit Nikki and her knockers stir something in me. I bet Cena does her dirty. The Bellas have improved greatly; I’ll give them that. I just feel like this is a bad time after a long painful Sheamus/Christian match and a also-painful Santino-Emma/Summer-Fandango match. The Bellas win a rather brief match. Jerry Lawler pops a boner.
Daniel Bryan comes out here to cut a promo and unfortunately he references “Hijack Raw” so now whoever the pretentious whiny dick is who came up with the whole concept probably thinks he’s the greatest person ever right now, probably came in his pants and is probably trying to use it to get retarded fan-girls who role-play as AJ Lee send him nudes that aren’t really of them and are the first five naked photos that come up in Google Image Search.
Daniel Bryan is about to discuss why he believes Triple H won’t fight him at Wrestlemania. The response is that the Authority (McMahon-Helmsley, whatever) comes to the ring. The crowd, now at full erection from Daniel Bryan saying HIJACK RAW starts a very loud CM Punk chant at HHH and Stephanie McMahon. The crowd boos so loud that you can’t hear Stephanie which I think was one of their stupid “hijack RAW” plans. Daniel Bryan mentions screwy referees, the Shield, Kane and HHH himself have done everything they can to stop Daniel Bryan from winning/holding the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and yet he is unbroken and with the people behind him. HHH refuses and asks why this generation Daniel Bryan is from cannot accept their failure and their inadequacies. HHH says this is the “Excuses Era” because nobody in this era ever stops to realize they aren’t good enough and that they blame everybody else. HHH telling the truth not just about wrestling but life. He then adds that he doesn’t see why calling Daniel Bryan a “B+” is so bad because B+ is pretty good but that it will take more than a B+ guy to get HHH to lace up his boots. Daniel Bryan says the only way that he’s ever going to get HHH to understand these people or Daniel Bryan is by beating the crap out of him at Wrestlemania. Stephanie McMahon explains that nobody should listen to these people because these people will turn on you on a whim. That’s true. Stephanie says the only people who will always be behind you here are the Authority. She mocks “where Daniel Bryan came from” and says it is easy to get wrapped up in this crowd chanting but he needs to realize that the McMahon Family is the be-all end-all and without them Daniel Bryan would have nothing. She mentions the 21 trucks that pulled up, the Network, social media, and the push WWE makes. She says without the WWE Daniel Bryan would have none of what he has because the WWE MADE DANIEL BRYAN. That’s somewhat true. They MADE DANIEL BRYAN out of Bryan Danielson. Daniel Bryan says since HHH doesn’t want to, she can put on his tights and he can put on her skirt and he can fight Stephanie while Hunter watches. HHH says he won’t take the bait and THIS (Daniel Bryan) does not measure up so GET OUT OF *MY* RING. Daniel Bryan stands defiant and says this isn’t the McMahons’ ring. It’s the audience’s ring. HHH clarifies that EVERYTHING in this arena INCLUDING the audience and Daniel Bryan belong to HHH. The McMahons have had enough and cast “Summon Kane” for 90 MP. 50% of the time Kane performs an instant kill. However the other 50% of the time he comes out here and does nothing. He lands on DOES NOTHING, much like Odin of Final Fantasy fame. Security is called to clean up the mess and keeps Daniel Bryan away from the ring.
It’s PERRO time. Del Rio is interrupted by the sound of a car.
Dolph Ziggler is being guest-managed by Aaron Paul. I’m not sure if this is an upgrade from Vickie Guerrero or not. Aaron’s vagina is probably tighter. I wonder if Del Rio is going to kick Ziggler really hard in the head tonight. That happens every time they fight. I assume that since they’re trying to push a movie, Ziggler will win. Ziggler does get the win. Damn it. I wanted to see a Cross Armbreaker on Aaron Paul.
The late Paul Bearer is the next Hall of Fame nominee. Even if he was still alive this would be deserved, as he really did help put the Undertaker character over. There was a time where Undertaker only would say about 3 words (REST IN PEACE). This makes sense. I can’t knock it.
Big E. is doing double duty and taking on Jack Swagger now. As soon as the match starts, Cesaro rushes in and hits the Neutralizer which is payback for Jack Swagger interfering in his match with Big E earlier.
These two are close to coming to blows. Zeb Colter is trying to fix this. Swagger shoves Cesaro who is about to Cesaro Swing Jack Swagger. Zeb begs Cesaro not to do this to Jack Swagger and to not listen to THEM because Jack Swagger is his brother for the sake of the PEOPLE. Colter tells Cesaro to help Swagger up and Swagger to take Cesaro’s hand. Zeb says they are REAL AMERICANS and have to put this behind them. Zeb wants them to hug it out and put this in the past and then for every REAL AMERICAN TO RISE PUT YOUR HAND OVER YOUR HEART AND IN A LOUD CLEAR VOICE SAY ALONG WITH THEM – WE… THE PEOPLE!
John Cena is out here to address the Wyatts. He hobbles down to the ring because his knee isn’t 100%. This crowd is not happy to see him. This crowd is obsessed with wanting CM Punk back. Seeing John Cena is the equivalent of a KKK member walking into a Tyler Perry movie opening night. The crowd is happy Cena isn’t competing tonight. He wanted to come out here… for that.
He says he wanted to hear the energy and passion of an entire city. He starts to kiss their ass and play the respect. I feel like if you had a gun to Cena’s head he’d try to talk you down. We saw how that worked for Bruce Wayne’s dad in almost any incarnation of Batman. John Cena says he wants change like anyone else but change goes through him and he’s addressing Bray Wyatt.
Bray Wyatt responds on the Titantron talking about Championship Horses and what is done to them when they start to slow down. That’s pretty much the gist of his promo.
Batista is interrupted on the way to the ring by Randy Orton who wants to wish Batista the best of luck against Bryan.
Lana comes out here. What happened to our main event? Why are we getting a Rusev debut at 11 at night?
What a slob. He says something in Bulgarian and then goes away. Hopefully he doesn’t come back. It’s almost 11 o’clock and the commentators start talking about Hulk Hogan. We’re told Hogan will be in Memphis next week with a Wrestlemania 30 announcement. Randy Orton’s theme hits and the viper makes his way to the ringside area. Finally here is our main event. DEAL WITH IT.
DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH IT.
… DEAL WITH IT.
That’s fun. I see why Batista does that. Mid-way through the match while Batista is in trouble, the Authority comes to the ringside area and the crowd gets infuriated, starts a CM Punk chat and generally make asses of themselves. Batista launches Daniel Bryan into Randy Orton outside the ring. Daniel Bryan is disqualified when Orton gets involved and attacks both men. Bryan retaliates and attacks both men. Batista spears Daniel Bryan. Kane is about to put the boots to Daniel Bryan but Triple H stops him and says he is tired of Daniel Bryan’s fantasy crap. Bryan kicks HHH in the face and gets hit with the Batista bomb. HHH then hits the pedigree.
DEAL. WITH IT. The crowd chants for CM Punk loudly but your Internet Darling is in another castle! We come to a close with Michael Cole telling us to watch the RAW post-show on the WWE Network (because 3 hours and 15 minutes isn’t enough so you need a pre-RAW show and a post-RAW show too). Well I’m dead tired. These things are way too long. I don’t know how I even stay conscious during them anymore. Now go buy some WWE stuff below so I can get paid for doing this crap.