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I have been using the Internet since 1997. Since the Internet connects everybody in some way, there has been a social aspect for those 17 years and as a result I’ve spoken to a lot of people in all walks of life. One thing that happens often is that women who I encounter either discuss personally or privately their relationship issues or their sexual issues. Sometimes (and to a lesser extent) men will also look for advice, but for the most part women (and some guys) are drawn to finding someone to talk to about their problems and unfortunately that person is usually me. My shoulders are always moist because they spend way too much time being cried on.
That’s not to say I’ve been terminally in the friend zone. I have had my own share of victories, defeats, relationships, and sex in the 33, almost 34 years that I have been on the earth. I’ve been with 10s, 5s, and everything in between. I’ve had good sex, bad sex, sex you brag about, and sex you don’t. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow, that at least I’ve gotten to have my fun in life and I’ve had experiences both good and bad that have made me stronger and smarter than the average person out there.
Most of the time I keep people at arm’s length online, with very few exceptions. If you get to associate with me on any kind of personal conversation level you should feel honored because typically I don’t let anyone, especially you online people get too close to me either romantically or platonically and being able to be mostly guarded has allowed me to simply sit back and “observe,” kind of like Marvel Comics’ Uatu the Watcher, only less creepy.
…plus I’ll never be bald. So there’s that.
In observing and talking to guys and girls both online and in real life, and in experiencing situations for myself, I have concluded that a good 90 to 95 percent of you are clueless morons who have no idea what you’re doing and as a result deserve the heartbreak you can and oftentimes DO experience. I’ve decided that after 17 years, constant Facebook messages, Twitter DMs, instant messages, phone calls, texts, and other various nonsense I’ve had enough and it’s finally time to put together a comprehensive article where I discuss many of the absurd, ludicrous and unbelievable mistakes many of you make. If this article seems gender-biased towards women, I apologize, as most of the people I encounter are female – however bear in mind that men are just as capable of making these mistakes and in some of these points I intend to make if they are guy specific I will make note of it.
This article probably won’t help anyone because the majority of people have a listening or reading comprehension problem (and they usually chalk it up to ADD which they don’t even have because they’ve never been officially diagnosed before), but it is here because frankly I needed to vent, I needed to write, I needed to share what I want to share, and if it opens some eyes, great. If it doesn’t, f—k it, I’ve said what I needed to say. Also I’ll probably start linking to it the minute someone tells me about some stupid problem that I’ve covered here when I don’t want to hear their shit.
#1 Don’t Lie To Yourself – It’s Sex.
It doesn’t matter what kind of silly justification you come up with in your mind – whether you claim you are looking for love or “the one,” or just want someone who “understands” you. At the end of the day, cut and dry, plain and simple the problem is that on some level, you want SEX. The sooner you understand and come to terms with this, the better off you will be because ultimately in the beginning sexuality will almost always be the motivation for something beginning. On some level sex is always a factor and if you don’t think so quite frankly you are lying to yourself.
The problems occur when people mistake “good sex” for “a relationship” and also vice-versa. But the real reason at the end of the day we put up with a relationship that is full of drama, complication, arguments, and sometimes absolutely zero common ground is because the sex is good. As you get older and develop more complex relationships in your life this may change; some people stay in relationships due to financial stability or they have kids they are trying to keep taken care of or happy. But ultimately we don’t want to be alone, and what we mean by that is we want the comfort and satisfaction of intimacy. At its most primal point, everything between a man and a woman (or two guys or two girls if you’re gay or lesbian) is sexual in origin. Initial attraction is sexual in origin. Men are more open about wanting sex than women but sex is going to factor into anything when it comes to dealing with the opposite gender.
#2 Nice Guys: Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing
One of the biggest mistakes women make is going for the “nice guy because he is a safe bet” and one of the biggest mistakes men make is “trying to be one.” The problem is nice guys really aren’t nice. Studies (and also common sense) show that “Nice Guys” are guys who think that by being nice they will eventually get to bed a woman. I’m not just telling you this. There are plenty of studies out there that have proven psychologically that guys who are too nice should raise a red flag faster than the guys who aren’t. I’m not a nice guy and I’d never proclaim to be. I want to bang and think about banging pretty much most of the day. I make rude jokes, vulgar comments, I try not to take too much in life all that seriously and I am brutally honest – sometimes to a fault. I’d rather a woman be okay with who I am than to paint a pretty (see also: fake) picture.
Understand one thing, ladies, here and now: There is no such thing as a man who wants to “cuddle, eat ice cream and watch the Notebook” because it’s pretty much the gayest-sounding thing in existence to us. When a guy sits there and makes tweets about “I’m the type of guy that loves so much I cry when I hear a Frank Sinatra song,” he’s full of it. Frank Sinatra is dead and so is chivalry. The reason men make posts such as this is they think somewhere in places you don’t talk about at parties it will make you wet. Nice guys think that any guy who is not like them is a chauvinistic asshole and that the guys who are more likely to say “hey baby, nice ass” are disrespectful and rude. But the truth is that those guys who make “inconsiderate” comments are also being honest about what they want. They want something sexual. The nice guys do too, but they think by being a white knight and showering you with ego-boosting affection and compliments it’s going to get them in your pants. Nobody should ever HAND you a compliment, it should be earned along with respect. So what happens when you let a self-professed “nice guy” get what he wants? Things change. Once a “nice guy” gets what he set out to get, it’s going to change. He doesn’t have to put in as much effort as he did initially and you find yourself disappointed while he finds himself complacent. As a result your faith in relationships becomes broken and often stays that way. Eventually the gap of mental or emotional distance starts growing, and he’ll likely play the heartbroken “she doesn’t understand me” victim role… …so that he can seem like such a NICE GUY to the next chick he intends to repeat his cycle with. “Nice guys” are worse than serial killers. In some cases nice guys actually ARE serial killers and are way creepier than guys who are a little more… typical.
If you let a nice guy finish first, that’s why you as a woman are going to finish last. Ironically it’s the guys who appear to be assholes on the outside that are the most decent to you on the INSIDE and that’s where it’s going to count. Who the hell cares about what people see “on the surface?” (We will get into that topic later by the way) These guys may not always seem considerate but often times they are not the ones who get complacent. They are the ones that are going to make it work because it is in their nature and they don’t like to lose. Sure some of these men CAN be assholes inside-and-out. But this is actually the exception, not the rule. And as for the nice guys who are sincerely “nice guys” often times they are virgins who haven’t figured out how “the game” is played. And if you’re one of these guys and reading this article – stop. Don’t overdo it. Girls get turned off by guys who talk about love right away because there is nothing scarier than a man who has “stalkerish” tendencies. On some subconscious level, “the chase” is important (a woman wants to chase you, NOT the other way around) so if you’re the type of guy that is treating a relationship with a woman like being on probation where you have to call “Officer Ma’am” 3 times a day and text 12 times a day, you’re just going to come off as a clingy asshole while you sit there and go “I’M DOING EVERYTHING ‘RIGHT.’” Chances are you learned everything about relationships from a Disney movie, and think that you should both eat spaghetti together like in Lady and the Tramp.
Those are dogs. Those aren’t even real dogs. Those are cartoon dogs. Google pictures of actual dogs and you’ll find most of them are of one dog mounting another dog from behind.
That’s way more realistic when it comes to life in general, sorry to burst your bubble. The reason it’s called “hopeless romantic” is because you’re hopeless. Guys, I’ve been there in my life. A lot of us have. Don’t do it. You have a dick. Be proud of that.
I should also take the time to point out women can also be very clingy, and texting a guy multiple times a day will wear out its welcome quickly. Guys want a piece, they don’t want a Mom. However, DO make sure to text back especially if the text is a question – people despise being ignored when it is something that involves an answer, such as making plans.
#3 Dating Should Not Be a Full-Time Job
Dating is supposed to be fun, not a job. After a mundane 40-hour work week, possibly with college life mixed in, when you see someone of the opposite sex you want it to be FUN. You don’t want it to be WORK. You already have enough of that. Dating is supposed to be a contrast. Part of that is understanding each other’s schedules and needs to “let loose.” You’re going to have to accept that in dealing with another person you cannot deal in extremes; people don’t want to go out every night but people don’t always want to stay in every night too. You also have to understand you’re dating, or maybe even in a relationship but you’re not married. People need personal space without you in it. They need to miss you in order to want you. This also applies to friendships to an extent as well. You cannot and should not over-stay your welcome. You should make sure you’re both enjoying yourself and sometimes that involves compromise. If the other person seems to be in a bad mood, sometimes rather than ask them “what’s wrong?” it is best to just leave them alone and go do something else or hang out with someone else. Making yourself too available is just as bad as making yourself uncompromising. If you’re constantly concerned that the other person is seeing other people then you’re taking things too fast or too seriously usually. Stop being a f—king whacko. Another big mistake people make is “assuming.” What’s that old saying? When you assume you make an ass out of you and me? This is very true. Don’t assume just because you go on 3 or 4 dates with someone that it means you are in a relationship until you’ve had the talk that you are in fact exclusive. If you haven’t had this talk you have absolutely NO RIGHT to be mad if they go out with somebody else, nor do you have the right to attempt to make them feel OBLIGATED to do something they do not want to do. There won’t be a 5th date if you do that, I assure you.
#4 Social Networking, Your Relationship, And You… How Not To Be a Dumbass
The biggest problem that modern relationships face is the new dimension added by social networking and the Internet. This is why I miss my teenage years – not because I was younger or more attractive but because people didn’t air their dirty laundry in 140 characters or less any and every time something didn’t go their way. There have been articles on this site about the Seven Deadly Sins of Twitter, and I should not have to even explain how lame sub-tweeting about your relationship problems is, especially when the person you’re complaining about follows you on Twitter or Facebook – it looks like you are begging for sympathy or attention and nobody likes a drama-whore. Posting on social networking about your relationship is a drama-incubator and a huge turn off, not just to whom you are currently romantically linked to but also anybody who follows you on Twitter or Facebook that may be romantically linked to you in the future.
As a man, when I see a woman who I speak to in any way sub-tweeting or Facebook posting about their guy problems the first thing that pops into my head is that if I ever got involved with this person in any capacity they would do the same thing to me and throw me under the bus immediately. It is a colossal turn-off not just to your relationship but to your friendships as well. You lose even more respect once this problem is solved and you’re magically “in love again” with the person you just complained about. You’ve now done two things: made yourself look like a doormat, and made yourself look like a dumbass. Most people don’t respect either of those things so in effect if you plan to sub-tweet, or make stupid Facebook posts you better make sure there is a 0% chance of you ever involving yourselves with anyone else who is on your social networking pages because you have now set the standard for your own behavior and people are going to commit that to memory. However, this is in fact a problem due to the fact that people pretty much interact with everyone they know offline online as well. Congratulations you’ve made yourself look like a crackpot, and people hate that.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
#4-B Social Networking (when its platonic)
I have to mention the platonic aspects of social networking and interacting with others because that is also important. You need to understand one very simple fact: even if people know you online, that doesn’t mean they want to hear your relationship problems all the damn time. Relationship problems are the most shallow, unimportant problems of them all. In a world where people battle financial issues, health issues, and other personal struggles and conflicts you whining to someone about your boyfriend or girlfriend just comes off as an annoyance, mainly because you’re looking for sympathy, not advice (which is proven by the fact most people do not take advice that is given to them by the people they talk to online).
If the person you are talking to is of the opposite gender this is again a turn-off. Guys need to understand chicks don’t want to hear about their relationship woes because “women” will almost always side with “women” even if they CLAIM they’re on YOUR side. On some subconscious level women side with women. It’s the same logic on how women go to the bathroom together and talk to each other and men go to the bathroom alone and if you happen to go to the bathroom too, you’re not going to talk to your buddy in there. The only time men talk to each other in the bathroom is if they’re doing coke like in American Psycho.
Ladies, men simply don’t like other men, so talking to them about your guy problems just comes off as annoying. Likewise, asking them for advice about their friends, buddying up to a guy after you had some sort of dramatic incident with his guy friends, or asking them to hook you up with another guy that they know is generally perceived as selfish, cocky, stupid and “this bitch must be on crack” to us. NEVER come to guys with guy problems unless they’ve specifically stated they have no problem listening to your guy problems. Otherwise we find it offensive on a personal level because in a guy’s life their dick is the only dick that exists and the only dick that matters. Send nudes. AND WHILE I’M ON THAT SUBJECT…
#4-C Baseball Card Collecting – The Rules of Nudes & Semi Nudes
Yes, believe it or not “nudes” factor into this – more-so for girls than guys, but there are some rules for men to discuss here as well. First of all, there wouldn’t be so many nudes on the Internet if people weren’t sending nudes. Even celebrities and politicians send nudes these days. This was a natural and sometimes unfortunate progression of technology.
I’m going to start with etiquette for men here: DON’T JUST SHOW A GIRL YOUR DICK UNPROVOKED. All too often a man automatically thinks he should start off with his dick instead of “hello.” Unless some intimate contact has been initiated, there is no reason to do this. Also to clarify “intimate contact” is not just any conversation. Unless you two are talking about sexual acts which involve or would involve both of you, chances are the woman in no way wants to see your penis. It is a fact the male body is not as “aesthetically pleasing” as the female body so a woman oftentimes has to have a mental stimulation in addition to a physical one in order to enjoy wanting to see your dick. No woman has ever fallen in love with the sight of a man’s penis.
Ladies, there is a lot more when it comes to you, as men only really have a dick to show you. You women have tits, ass, vaginas, etc. You get to have fun with it. First thing you need to realize: if you look good, a guy is always going to want to see more. That’s the nature of the beast and also because guys have played “the Nudes Game” enough to realize that you’ll try to send nudes of another chick that you found on Google somewhere. Secondly, if a guy is interested he’s going to want to see you without clothing because it’s a “try before you buy” scenario. In a personal situation, I didn’t ask a girl for nudes and when I pulled down her pants during sex and saw a 1970s bush, I immediately decided there was zero chance of her receiving oral sex. Thirdly, you should definitely wait until there is some kind of trust established with a guy before you do. You don’t have to be in a relationship but you have to have enough trust to feel like they won’t be leaked all over the place if that is your concern. Also a woman should always get “collateral” nudes from the guy because this will usually prevent him from leaking your photos if there is a risk of you repaying the favor.
Believe it or not nudity can be a useful tool to keep a guy’s attention especially from a distance. If you are going to burden him with discussion of negativity and problems, nudity (if you’re attractive to him, and chances are you are if he’s even speaking to you) will keep him interested. It’s like fishing to an extent. Men are just wired that way sexually. There is a pitfall here, however and that pitfall is that if you start off very flirtatious and sexual, and showy, and then go cold-turkey cold, so too will that man’s attention. Men like gratification, flirtation and the occasional tits or ass. Take it off the table once it’s put on and “sayonara goes stimulation” and you can start to say goodbye to conversation as well. Also ladies, a little advice: you have multiple visually pleasing parts at your disposal; use them. In the baseball card business, always taking a pic in the same pose or the same bra/panties set (or both) 100% of the time is called “doubles” and can often lead to a “seen that one before” mentality from the guys… or a guy simply thinking you’re “too poor to afford new underwear.”
#4-D – The Thirst Is(n’t always) Real.
A side-effect of the influx of both “Faux Nice Guys” on the Internet and guys who send their penis via private messaging in the first conversation they have with a woman is that as a result pandering has become a pandemic. Girls have been complimented to a ridiculous, unexpected degree to the point where every girl’s head is in the clouds. This is a problem because there are in fact situations where the guy isn’t really that into you and you assume he is just because he is talking to you. While it’s true that for the most part men only talk to girls they’d bang under the right conditions, there is a high possibility that at this point in time and space you are NOT under those “right conditions” and therefore you’re not even on a man’s radar. The worst thing you can do is assume “the thirst is real” and that a man WANTS to get busy with you because there is also the strong possibility that even though he is speaking to you that some aspect of your behavior has turned him off. A guy can even say that you’re attractive without having a remote desire to stick his penis in your vagina or butthole. One mistake women make is thinking any positive statements automatically mean a guy wants to have intercourse with you or that if a guy hangs out with you he wants it or you’re even going to get it, especially in areas where common interests with people are sparse. Women have to realize that YES, men *CAN* friend-zone you, and men need to realize YES YOU CAN friend-zone women. And with the way some of you behave many of you belong there to be quite honest.
#5 - Invasion of the Body Snatchers – Adopting the Behavior of Your Other
It is natural to have common interests that attract you to another person and some inherent similar traits. However, the reason the phrase “opposites attract” exists is because relationships with a person who is a contrast to you fill out the missing pieces when you two are a whole. Therefore there is nothing creepier than adopting the behavior patterns, personality, and interests of someone you are dating and/or admire. If suddenly your opinion on a musician they like but you didn’t changes to appease them, if suddenly you start dressing the same way, or liking everything they do occurs, that becomes a major turn-off. Nobody wants to date themselves because if we did we’d be content being alone and be fine without dating you to begin with. Sure there are things that we want shared in a relationship, but we don’t want everything shared. I knew a guy whose girl felt the need to buy all the same band shirts he owned and dyed her hair the same color as his after they had sex. The reason it is such a turn off is because it’s part of a bigger problem of being incapable of standing on your own as an individual. There is no appeal whatsoever in someone that feels the NEED to be a part of something, especially a relationship because that NEED applies pressure on the NEEDED and people don’t like to be put under excess pressure or stress. Much like social networking this is also an outward visual presentation that will have impact on your friendships and relationships in the future because when people see that you are under the effects of “The Chameleon Effect” they realize you are incapable of standing alone. Perception is reality. Keep your hair color, keep your wardrobe, keep your interests, and keep your individuality. If you can’t do that, maybe you should join the Borg instead of join a relationship. Also I should take this time to mention that constantly telling people you’re in love, or somebody is great, or posting about how great it is also makes you look incapable of enjoying yourself when alone or single, and tends to also irritate the single because it feels as if you are “rubbing your happiness” in other people’s faces. Your friends aren’t “happy for you.” When you post about “how happy you are” semi-hourly they start to fantasize about what it would be like to garrote you.
#6 – The Dreaded Cold Cut Line Phenomenon and You
NOW SERVING 38 AT WINDOW 2! You may have heard this cry if you’re waiting in line at a deli or a DMV. Sadly some people have the same philosophy about their relationships. If you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone and it ends and you have someone new within the same week – it doesn’t matter what gender you are it makes you look cheap, easy, and pathetic – why? Because you’re incapable of being by yourself. Also the new relationships often times have a tendency to be as bad if not worse than the previous relationship because you started it for the wrong reasons whether it be revenge, convenience, or a fear of being alone.
You should give yourself anywhere between 30-90 days to “be single.” No commitment, no obligation, time to find yourself and be yourself and think about what you had, what you really want (not what you want in sadness or anger but what you ACTUALLY desire) and go for something better. What’s the rush? Are you dying of some terminal illness? Will you turn into a pumpkin if you don’t have a Facebook status that says “NOT SINGLE?” Take your time. If it’s a need for sex, then you need to learn how to masturbate better, quite frankly. But do not go from one relationship to another like you’re making an exchange at the Wal-Mart help desk. It looks bad on you and frankly it IS bad for you in the long run.
#7 Realistic Expectations Make All the Difference
Usually if you’re still young you’ll make this mistake but older people do as well. The media, starting from most Disney cartoons seem to revolve around relationships being this concept of “the happily ever after” effect. Some people go into relationships actively believing “this is it,” this is my “one and only.” The English language has even created new and stupid words such as “bae” which stands for “before anyone else” as a term of endearment which seems to fall in these lines. NOBODY should be your “bae” ever, one because it’s a stupid made up word and, two because relationship or not ultimately you have to look out for number one, and number one is never anybody but yourself. I am not saying to go into a relationship negatively, but go into a relationship realistically. Your first relationship with your high school sweetheart is probably NOT going to last, and while it’s awesome if it does, don’t put added pressure on yourself and your other to MAKE it last. Don’t enter denial if things start to go south. Have the self-respect to walk away from a relationship that isn’t right for you. Sometimes you’re just going to have to take one in the “loss” column and while heartbreak sucks and feels bad for a while you learn and you grow from every experience in your life and if you look at everything as a learning experience you’ll be better prepared to go forward in life and do better next time. The worst thing we do as people is stick around, settle for less, and do it out of some kind of obligation. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is shitty to you, guess what? This is a big world and you have a long life. Walk away. Walk out. Leave. And maybe, just maybe if they have been bad they’ll realize what they’ve lost and clean up their act, but that starts with you. NEVER settle for less.
#8 Satisfaction is the Death of Desire
Never settle for less but also never settle for settling either. What will make it all sink faster than the Titanic is if you’re not striving to be better. If you’re doing the same thing every time you’re with someone, you’re going to get bored or they are going to get bored. Once people feel they’ve “got you” and have to stop trying, they will. And that’s usually when you start dealing with two unhappy people staying together for the sake of staying together and afraid to walk away because “I already invested so much time into this relationship.” Girls, dying your hair does nothing to change this and chances are we won’t even notice. Bring something new to the table. And if you absolutely can’t it’s time to go. Complacency doesn’t get better unless both people are willing to break new ground. Ideally both people should always be striving for better – physically, sexually, mentally, financially, whatever. Being with someone else should never be boring – if it gets there that’s the first nail in the coffin. Whether it’s a relationship, love, sex, partying, you need to always keep things fresh and if you can’t do that you’ve already lost. But the major thing is never settle for things being “the same.” Too much routine can be a very bad thing – if you FEEL unfulfilled you’re unfulfilled. Time to do something new – with OR WITHOUT your significant other and if that ends up being a WITHOUT and they don’t seem to care it’s time to call time of death on the relationship. Don’t lie to yourself and stay. That tends to lead to “cheating,” and if cheating is there, the relationship is over anyway because either you or the other person is happier with somebody else.
In closing I hope that this article has brought some wisdom and enlightenment to some of you, but chances are whether you read it or listened to it you’ll let it go in one ear and out the other, which is what people always have for years. I’m not interested in you having a better relationship. I’m not interested in saving your marriages or your romances. I’m just interested in not having to hear your stupid whining about it to me so if this article has helped to cut down on your issues, then its helping me to not have to listen to them. If for some reason you need advice beyond this article, you can always submit questions or call into Asked with Riv & Landin where you’ll get a harsh dose of reality, and a brutally honest answer. But if you got nothing from this article at all, I question why the hell all of you dumbasses have come to me for advice for the past 17 years to begin with if you’re not going to apply it so I leave you with this quote “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”