Recap: WWE NXT (March 13, 2014)

It is a few days late but here’s my weekly NXT recap. Truth be told I just get burnt out on wrestling sometimes, and I don’t see how some of you function focused on it 24/7 unless you’re actually IN the business.  I’m not, and I don’t recap for anyone else but myself because it makes my viewing experience more enjoyable so if you like it great and if not, that’s your problem. 

The WWE signature and the NXT intro play and after Tom Phillips welcomes us to NXT we go immediately to Paige. This is one person who will benefit greatly from the WWE Network push of NXT as Paige is now being noticed by people who never bothered with the show prior to the launch.  As the NXT Women’s Champion, and looking like an alternative to the typical Diva, I think she’s got a bright future ahead of her… once she starts cradling enough ballsacs to get promoted off this show, anyway (don’t shoot the messenger, I have been told that you have to do some unsavory things to get called up).  I like Paige and I think if she overcomes her lack of a great promo, she’ll be okay. Take Seth Rollins for example. That guy didn’t really get good at promos until he was part of the Shield. 

For some ungodly reason Tensai has stolen my first name and become Jason Albert. Umm… what? His real name is Matt Bloom, his most known ring name is Prince Albert, so where the hell did Jason come from?  I’m guessing they just pulled a random first name out of their ass to give to Albert so he’s not JUST Albert seeing as the Tensai gimmick died a painful death.  They should have given him the name “Antonio” to make up for the fact they took it away from Cesaro.  Or maybe he could have been Albert Langston (they took Langston out of Big E’s name).   Great, now every time Tom Philips and Alex Riley say my first name I have to feel like those two are talking directly to me.  I don’t want to talk to Tom Philips or Alex Riley.  In fact this reminds me of the time Johnny Landin and I stood in an Alex Riley line at Axxess last year to speak to Audrey Marie (who was friends with Johnny at the time).  As we got to Audrey and began speaking to her instead, the lady in charge of the line asks me:

“Don’t you want to speak to Alex Riley?”

“No.”

Anyway, Tensai is being referred to as “Jason” now. BS like this is why only 10% of the people I know in my life get to call me by my first name. 

Sasha Banks still has “jobber diva theme 2” and has not received the production value increase that Paige or Charlotte have.  Charlotte is accompanying Sasha to ringside and they are still carrying around “Summer Rae On a Stick” in Summer’s place.  Does anyone else see a face turn for Summer on NXT once these girls realize Summer has become a “Total Diva?”  I really dislike Sasha’s “bling” which looks like it came out of one of those capsule toy machines at every supermarket in America.  Charlotte’s Davidness is at a whopping 89% today mainly because the camera showed Charlotte’s ass and reminded us she sadly has “Flair Ass” and that’s not a good thing because the other Flairs we have seen are all males.  I feel like we should launch a charity for Charlotte to get a butt implant.

The match starts, and Sasha snatches a Paige T-shirt, yells in anger and tosses it at Paige.  If I were Paige I’d throw it too.  “THINK AGAIN” doesn’t make sense considering it’s not even one of Paige’s catchphrases to my knowledge.  Anti-Diva would have worked better but I think it is pretty obvious why WWE wouldn’t want that on a shirt.  Paige’s response is to kick Sasha in the midsection, work her in a corner, and toss her by the hair immediately.  Paige also whips Sasha with the shirt.  I have to point out during this Divas match I am glad Renee Young is not out here otherwise the commentators would go “Full Retard” and do nothing but spout pick-up lines while Renee spouts “passable at best” commentary.  Sasha takes control and wears Paige down.  Paige fights out of it but is knocked back down quickly.  Alex Riley predicts Charlotte is the next in line to challenge for the NXT Women’s title.    Sasha drives her knee into Paige’s back and crosses both her arms behind her back.  Paige manages to overpower Sasha into the corner, deliver elbows and short clotheslines followed by a dropkick.  Paige now locks in the Scorpion Crosslock on Sasha Banks to make her tap out.  Charlotte blindsides Paige after the match and begins working her over until Natalya’s music hits and the WWE Diva makes the save.  Here comes our obligatory tag team match for next week’s show.

Recaps show us that Graves dislikes Yoshi Tatsu, Sami Zayn, and soap. We are reminded Graves beat Yoshi Tatsu but lost to Sami Zayn and we now get words from Zayn about Graves.

Zayn cuts a sort of… stuttered promo about how he feels his issues with Graves are over.  Even his promos sound Seth Rogen-like.  I see him speak, and I hear words but all I can think about is Seth Rogen talking about a woman having sex with a horse in Mexico.

Bo Dallas has now been bumped down to fighting Colin Cassady.  Is Enzo Amore ever going to be fully healed from his anus injury at the hands of Bill DeMott and the NXT performance center?  The Ascension are also here tonight meaning they are probably fighting some jobber team like they always do.  A Mojo Rawley highlight set plays.

That photo sums up Mojo Rawley’s career in one image.  I wish this guy would go away.  We go backstage and he’s talking to himself and can’t stop moving as he paces back and forth and begins yelling “WE ARE JUST GETTING STARTED.”  If there’s any doubt in your mind this guy’s gimmick is “crackhead” at this point you are in denial.  I think they should have him buy drugs from Heisenberg next.  The opposing team for the Ascension tonight is Travis Tyler and Cal Bishop. Nobody cares about either of those guys and the Ascension quickly kills them.  I played World of Warcraft during this match because I didn’t give a crap.

Ugh.  Rather than watch Xavier Woods vs. Alexander Rusev in a match nobody cares about, please check out this clip below where I asked one of those nerds that takes WWE and Monday Night RAW and Wrestlemania 30 too seriously if Alexander Rusev’s man tits make him sexually confused (because he is a virgin who is probably and thankfully never getting laid):

Special thanks to Asked with Riv & Landin’s Director of YouTube Operations, John Bazman for getting that clip up.  Be sure to check out the YouTube channel for our show where Baz works endlessly to bring you the best clips from our program.  And this was definitely one of them.  Alexander Rusev:  The Bulgarian Bowel Movement, everybody. 

By the way the above fact is sad and pathetic because some of you are putting in 6-8 hours of WWE Network per day.  Please shower.  Please go outside.  Please exercise.  Please get laid.  Please do SOMETHING with your lives other than revolve it around WWE for the love of God.

Renee Young is out here to call a Mason Ryan match.  Oh well, at least it’s something I don’t give a damn about and thus won’t care if she makes unfunny jokes while the commentators try to verbally perform cunninglus on her.  Renee Young is a good backstage interview but she’s a dull commentator.  She’s basically Dave Coulier with tits and that’s accurate because they’re both Canadians.  Mason Ryan kills Wesley Blake and nobody cares especially since the match goes WAY too long.

Bayley is being interviewed by Devin Taylor.  What the hell is she wearing?  Bayley is a pretty girl but I feel like the appeal that she has is because she seems like she’d be easily talked into anal Sex.  She reminds me those porn videos where some girl who is 18 but has a small IQ has sex with her stepfather while Mom isn’t home because he bought her a Slip and Slide (and yes that video exists).  I bet with Devin Taylor she doesn’t even have to be retarded to be talked into anal.  She looks like the type of girl that likes dirty intercourse.  I have no idea what these girls were talking about and I currently have a boner which should tell you everything you really need to know about this promo.

Nevermind. My boner is dead. Nothing kills a boner faster than Ric Flair’s head on a hermaphrodite’s body, Sasha Banks’ bad fashion sense and the decapitated head of Summer Rae.  She should have never questioned the reign of Joffrey Baratheon.  Natalya also joined in on this but I’m not allowed to talk about her because Tyson Kidd will show up from under my bed and give me Canadian Dire AIDS for making comments about his wife.  Xavier Woods vs. Rusev is up next.  I covered that earlier as soon as I saw the graphic for it.

Nevermind.  This is Xavier Woods vs. Tyler Breeze (again).  Last time this almost happened it ended in Rusev, though, so I have no hope.  I hear this week Woods and Breeze are fighting because Xavier cuckolded Audrey without a condom and now they might all have to raise a mixed baby together.  Breeze says he and Xavier Woods aren’t friends but after what happened at Arrival they have a common enemy.  Breeze wants to fight Rusev and wants Xavier Woods to get out of here.  That’s not a good idea Breeze. He’s going to give it to your girlfriend while you aren’t home.  Lana comes out here and out comes the Bulgarian Bowel Movement.  Random thought:  Tyler Breeze is to NXT what Princess Kenny is to South Park:

Accurate.  Actually Princess Kenny probably has a better moveset than Tyler Breeze.

Bo Dallas and Adrian Neville exchange words backstage.  The rematch is in two weeks and Bo hopes to end the nightmare of a world where Bo Dallas isn’t the NXT Champion.  I hope Bo wins it back because I hate all of you. Bo gets slapped for his words and storms off to the ring.  It’s time for Cassady vs. Bo which means:

Bo is growing on me for all the wrong reasons.  He’s so awful that his existence is hilarious like Dan Hibiki from Street Fighter Alpha.  I notice while Big Cass takes control of the match that his tights say QUEENS on the front.

I know that they are supposed to represent Queens, New York, but I have to ask why you’d wear it on your tights in CURSIVE writing, which means that 75% of the time it will look like it says QUEERS on the front of your tights.  This match isn’t terrible but it’s not great.  It’s a bit of a snore since there was no build to it, and Colin still seems a bit off without Enzo in the mix.  This is your typical “Bo Dallas lost the title but he’s more focused than ever” match to build momentum for the former champion going into a rematch against Neville. I understand the reasons for the booking, I just don’t really care all that much.  Bo wins the match and that pretty much ends the show – not a terrible NXT, but it was just sort of there.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I ate too much chicken today and have to go to the bathroom to take a Rusev.