W.I.T. (Weird Internet Things) Volume 1: Watching Other People Play Videogames.

The Internet’s been around for a long time now and back when I first got on it in the 1990s, the Internet was an escape from stupidity and all of the annoyances of mainstream society.  Now that everybody has on-demand internet access in the palm of their hands, all the stupidity that we used to escape from runs rampant and unchecked.  This new column I am debuting will be my platform to rant on the things which have become prominent thanks to the Internet that I simply don’t understand, that I wish were not prominent and which I feel shows us that perhaps as a whole the human race has lost the war against stupidity.

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This week, I’m going to talk about how the Internet has turned a once-enjoyable pastime like playing videogames into an overly-annoying abomination that has made uninteresting losers “e-famous,” people who do absolutely nothing filthy stinking rich on YouTube, and damn near made it impossible to find the information you need without sitting through a bunch of opinions you do not care about.

This used to be the definitive be-all-end-all for video game codes, tactics, and strategies.  We didn't used to need a video to explain it to us like we had a comprehension problem.

This used to be the definitive be-all-end-all for video game codes, tactics, and strategies.  We didn't used to need a video to explain it to us like we had a comprehension problem.

One of the coolest things about the Internet in the 1990s was the fact that it made the videogame magazine obsolete.  At the push of a button you could find strategy guides and cheat codes for your favorite video games.  Before my sister and I even had our own computer we used to go to the public library, print out all the codes and FAQs for the games we owned, and we’d call it a day – GameFAQS.com (which is still around to this day) was an amazing resource for this.  Eventually when I got my own computer at home I would find myself writing video game reviews for a little-known website called Playstation Interactive.  It was a fun hobby, and my writing style developed there complete with my rather blunt, rude, often crass, vulgar and offensive way of saying things.  But that’s all it was.  It was a hobby.  It wasn’t my job, or work or my life.  Since the Internet is accessed through technology and since better technology makes for better videogames (supposedly), it figures that the Internet revolution would change the way video-gaming was represented on the Internet.  But it used to be simply writing articles and looking up codes online.  What it’s morphed into is completely annoying and stupid.

PewDiePie has ruined video gaming and monetized "being a faggot."

PewDiePie has ruined video gaming and monetized "being a faggot."

Behold PewDiePie, real name Felix Kjellner – a Swedish guy who does “Let’s Play” videos on YouTube.  He is one of if not the most subscribed to YouTube channel on the Internet, completely with an annoying voice, and an overly queer effeminate personality that makes you want to punch him in the throat and cause permanent damage.  Due to the sheer amount of subscriptions, downloads, and views that his stupid videos get, we can pretty much say that this pantywaist has become the face of video gaming when it comes to the Internet.

And the problem is he is making money – lots of it.  And so are many like him.  Apparently the newest trend with video games is to make YouTube videos or live-stream of videogames on sites like Twitch.TV – something that has become so prominent the more modern videogame systems such as the X-Box One and the Playstation 4 have the ability to stream your gaming built in.

Guys like this, who have probably never even smelled a woman before are suddenly treated as Gods because they do nothing but play video games all day.  I don't get it. And neither should you.

Guys like this, who have probably never even smelled a woman before are suddenly treated as Gods because they do nothing but play video games all day.  I don't get it. And neither should you.

My question is this:  When the hell did it get “cool” to WATCH other people play videogames, and doesn’t that defeat the purpose of even playing or owning videogames?  I love playing videogames but at the end of the day, videogames are nothing more than a distraction, a waste of time.  You’re not actually doing much that you can consider productive when you play a video game, much like reading a book or watching a movie.  It’s a wind-down, a time-killer.  But somehow we’ve become so lazy as a society that now we can’t even push the buttons on a control pad and need some giant flaming faggy fruit with a stupid accent to do it for us, and tell us what we should all think about the video game and sit there like mindless zombies in awe of a guy who “can play a videogame” which is something we can all do ourselves.  HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?  HOW DID THIS BECOME A THING?

I could maybe understand if you did nothing but watch people play video games because you grew up in a 1 Nintendo DS or one-controller household.  But other than that there's really no justification.

I could maybe understand if you did nothing but watch people play video games because you grew up in a 1 Nintendo DS or one-controller household.  But other than that there's really no justification.

What the hell is wrong with all of you people?  Are you all a bunch of younger siblings that never got to touch the controller because your eldest was hogging the game and thus mentally conditioned to sit around and watch?  Because when I was growing up pretty much the only way you were going to watch someone play a videogame is when your older sibling was being an asshole and not letting you play said game, or when you were in line at the arcades with your quarter up on the machine waiting for your turn to kick ass or get your ass kicked at Street Fighter.  So why the hell are you now idolizing and worshipping guys who sit on the couch all day with and stream about it?  Is this really a glamorous lifestyle?  It comes off as really, ridiculously lame. 

Maybe doing nothing about video games is a good thing.  This guy looks like he'd be bombing schools if he wasn't making money to have his opinion treated like it is more important than everyone else by a bunch of unwashed nerd losers.

Maybe doing nothing about video games is a good thing.  This guy looks like he'd be bombing schools if he wasn't making money to have his opinion treated like it is more important than everyone else by a bunch of unwashed nerd losers.

To make matters worse now pretty much anyone who has the capacity to do so thinks they can become some sort of Video Game Internet “Celebrity” just by doing nothing but talk about video games while playing them in front of a webcam.  As a result, things such as GameFAQS find less and less use and have given way to annoying videos with gigantic 2 and a half minute long LOGOS of some douchebag’s name when you’re just trying to find a simple code or a strategy.

Nothing screams "douchebag" like pretentious spinning, morphing logos at the start of a YouTube video when all I came for was some information on how to find a hidden object in a video game that could have easily been explained to me in the form of text but isn't because everybody is too busy trying to make gaudy logos to compensate for their small penis sizes.

Nothing screams "douchebag" like pretentious spinning, morphing logos at the start of a YouTube video when all I came for was some information on how to find a hidden object in a video game that could have easily been explained to me in the form of text but isn't because everybody is too busy trying to make gaudy logos to compensate for their small penis sizes.

When I need a tip for a game, all I need, all I WANT is the text.  Why?  Because I can read much faster than I can sitting through watching a video to tell me how something is done.  I don’t need it explained to me.  I don’t need to watch you do it because I want to see it on my screen done by my own hand.  I don’t need to hear you say hello.  I don’t want to hear your voice.  I don’t want to hear about your life.  I don’t care.  Just give me the information I need and shove your giant blinged-out Movie Maker Logo name up your ass and twist it sideways so your ass bleeds.

Here is an example in the video above:  I once decided to take the challenge and make everybody who has me added on X-Box Live feel weird and uncomfortable when I picked up Hannah Montana the Movie the Videogame and decided to get all 1000/1000 achievements.  However, there were some parts that actually stumped me in the game.  If you click the video above I was forced to listen to the advice of a lispy gay man named “Thwagger” to figure out how to get the achievement.  Why do things like this exist?  Why couldn’t I just have somebody explain it to me instead of listen to that gay man’s voice?  Oh well, at least he didn’t make me sit through 3 minutes of logos or try to tell me about his day and how badly I should share and subscribe to his channel like every other dweeb on YouTube who does gaming stuff.  And in Thwagger's defense, he is still not nearly as gay as the PewDiePie jackass.

What makes matters even more annoying is people exhibit cult like loyalty to anyone on the Internet who has enough subscribers to allow them to make their decisions for them about the video games they play.  Is a game “too short?”  Sure it’s short when you’re taking the advice of a guy who never leaves his house, doesn’t bathe, and plays videogames 18 hours a day streaming to the Internet.  He’s going to get the game done a lot faster than someone who has maybe 2-3 hours a day to play videogames.  It’s called “having a life.”  Plus, even if you listened to them and didn’t buy the game, you’re screwed either way.  You sat around and watched these assholes play the game in the first place, spoiled the ending for yourself, and know where all the hidden things are because you chose to let this idiot play the videogame for you rather than play it yourself and make your own decision on whether or not you enjoy the games rather than let some jackoff who is getting advertising revenue and being paid by particular videogame developers tell form your opinions FOR you.  These people have sucked all the fun out of the concept of videogames.  You’re part of the problem, and I hate you.

Bottom line is these guys shouldn’t be getting paid to have less of a life than everyone else.  Even if I were getting paid for it, there’s no way I would do my projects 18 hours a day because sitting in my chair doing Asked with Riv & Landin for 18 hours would probably give me anal sores.  What makes what I do here cool is it isn’t my entire life.  I like the sun.  I like going out.  I like showering and basic hygiene.  And when I do play videogames, I like playing them.  On my own.  Not watching some other guy do it.  It’s easy to be the coolest guy in the room when it’s your room and you never leave it and nobody else is there.  For everyone else, there’s a lot more fun to be had. 

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Just remember.  It’s YOUR fault this guy is famous, Internet, and for that I will never forgive any of you who partake in watching other people play videogames.