Yuck, it’s time to do this RAW thing. I feel like an indentured servant to wrestling even though I enjoy it less than I did when I started this recaps thing. People are watching the WWE Network pre-show because they want to fap to Renee Young. It makes me hate society because the more stupid crap they put on we mindlessly watch the more stupid crap they will continue to put together because you are suckers that will watch anything. I’m watching the usual last five minutes of NCIS.
Robin from Batman and Robin vs. Raiden from the Mortal Kombat movie. That’s probably more interesting than the three hour tour I’m about to go on tonight to recap wrestling so the rest of you don’t have to watch it. I am a modern day martyr. You guys should at least PayPal me for my pain – email@example.com because *I* actually PAY with not just time but MONEY to bring you all these projects and I’m broke and if I’m living out of a box eating gruel I can no longer help you people. So go do that.
Hulk Hogan opens up RAW in Memphis. It’s amazing that a man can be so hated in TNA and so loved in the WWE. Hogan comes out and talks about the network and his matches with Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior and the Macho Man Randy Savage at Wrestlemania. Hogan says watching himself battle Andre again gave him a great idea for Wrestlemania 30. He says there will be a 30 man over-the-top Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal.
I hope Andre’s corpse comes back from the dead and wins the Battle Royal. They don’t tell us what (if anything) is at stake so I guess this means that the Battle Royal is just a convenient way for the WWE writers to take 30 people they have got nothing for and throw them in the ring.
For some reason John Cena comes out here. He has a match with Rowan later tonight but for now he wants to put his tongue in Hogan’s ass. John Cena tells us about being a little Hulkamaniac and all this “whatever.” Get to the point, Cena. John Cena says he wants to be the 1st man in the 30 man Battle Royal. I bet JTG, Zack Ryder, Curt Hawkins and Primo’s hopes are all crushed that this was a “jobber rumble” for guys like them. And yes I realize his name isn’t Primo anymore but I don’t give a shit what they changed his name to when they turned him into a Mexican bullfighter who wields a midget.
This is interrupted by the Wyatt Family and Jerry Lawler gets frightened. So frightened he shat himself. Bray Wyatt talks about pride and mocks Hulk Hogan and John Cena both and claim the virtues they preach cannot do you any good. Bray then calls himself a God and Cena mentions to insult Cena and Hogan on pride then call himself a God is hypocritical. John Cena then sings a little tune to “Wasting Away in Margaritaville” and insults the Wyatt Family and says he won’t be in the Battle Royal after all because he wants to fight Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania 30. Erik Rowan vs. John Cena is up next when we come back from commercials. Hogan remains at ringside. I hope the swerve is Hogan defects to the Wyatt Family and starts wearing a red and yellow janitor costume not unlike Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatts a few months ago. The problem with this Cena/Rowan match? It’s not a match with Luke Harper. But I’m sure that’s booked for next week’s RAW. Cena wins rather quickly. I’m already bored with this entire show. The Wyatts tease the idea of beating Hogan and Cena down but retreat instead.
Big Show? No thanks. Daniel Bryan and boring Show vs. Evolution. This makes me bored just by looking at the graphic. I think WWE realizes that they could put anything or anyone in a ring with Daniel Bryan and people would be captivated. They could put a syringe full of AIDS in that ring and Daniel Bryan would wrestle it.
Also the Undertaker has some big announcement. I also believe I heard Sheamus vs. Christian is booked for the 200th time. I’m curious about the Undertaker announcement but I really couldn’t care less about most of this stuff. Additionally, the Authority is on their way to the ring which means that we’re going to have another 20-30 minutes of talking. I decide to go check on my laundry which is more important because going around naked is a crime.
The Authority is out here and they publicly apologize to Daniel Bryan and say they will not fire him if he apologizes to them for last week and admits he is wrong. I’m glad that I was doing laundry which means I probably missed about 5 minutes of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon SEINFELDING this promo. What is SEINFELDING you ask? Well Seinfeld was the show about nothing. Seinfelding is when you cut a PROMO about nothing. Actually, that's unfair to Seinfeld although I think I am onto something. Maybe the silly Seinfeld music and sound effects should play any time these two run more than 2 minutes on the microphone. Maybe it would be more amusing that way. They should give that a try. As old people hour continues here the New Age Outlaws walk to the ring and they are not dressed to compete.
Apparently Road Dogg and Billy Gunn will be commentating during an Usos match. I told you this feud was never going to end. This is because almost none of the tag teams in the division that are available have any charisma to speak of, CASE IN POINT:
Rybaxel. When taking Rybaxel 9 out of 10 insomniacs fall asleep instantly. Ryback on his own isn't so bad. Axel on his own can be somewhat tolerable depending on his opponent. Together, however, they just manage to make me yawn a lot. The Usos win this, thankfully quickly. I am just glad it was brief. I like Ryback on his own and I don’t mind Axel on his own. How is it the two of them together suck so bad?
Meanwhile the Shield is in the Principal’s office and the Director of Operations, Kane, is offended that the Shield have been having dissension within their ranks, losing to the Wyatt Family, and airing their dirty laundry. Kane says he wants to judge whether or not the Shield is still useful to the Authority and claims that the first problems began when Reigns and Rollins lost the tag belts to the Rhodes Brothers so tonight they are going to have to prove they can beat Cody and Goldust. Rollins asks if Kane is deflecting the fact that Big Show and Daniel Bryan have humiliated Kane repeatedly over the past few weeks. Not sure if this is the beginning of a Shield face-turn or not but I will say the Shield is one of the few interesting things about RAW left. Jack Swagger vs. Big E. is up next and just kind of happens with no real fanfare – hell they didn’t even get their entrances on television. Big E. wins after a roll-up. Cesaro laughs at Swagger’s failure.
Cesaro and Swagger argue while Zeb Colter yells at them that his nerves can’t handle it. He’s going to have explosive diarrhea while Zeb demands these two shake hands. Tensions continue to rise. Colter looks like he's holding in 60 years of semen and just saw a Brianna Love white girl booty. That's pretty much going to be my life, actually and now I am depressed... or simply want to fap to adult videos. In fact, I haven't gotten to fap today. No wonder I'm less tolerant of RAW than usual.
After a 10 minute walk to the ring the Undertaker comes out here and is interrupted by Paul Heyman almost immediately. This ends up being a narration of the Undertaker’s accomplishments at Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman begs the Undertaker not to get into the ring with Brock Lesnar because these people need the streak to believe in. This just leads to blah, blah, REST IN PEACE. Yawn. Why do I watch this again? Oh yeah, force of habit and masochism. After all of this we get the Shield vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust.
I’m not sure if I care for the Cody and Goldust team anymore. Cody was on fire as a heel, then turned face in a feud with Sandow (who has apparently been banished and lost in time and space) and now he’s just sort of a “boring midcarder” who tags with Goldust. This match is decent but runs pretty long. I find myself wondering more about the storyline with the Shield than caring for the actual match. Shield wins after a really long time.
We’re told Dean Ambrose has to defend the U.S. Title against Mark Henry again tomorrow night on Main Event. For now, however, it looks like the Shield is back on the same page. We are reminded we have to pick the stipulation for Sheamus vs. Christian with the WWE app. Can’t I just pick for the match NOT to happen again, EVER?
Natalya got a submission victory over AJ Lee in a tag team match with her partner Eva Marie. Now this week Tamina and AJ are taking on the Bella Twins as the Total Divas powers grow ever stronger as we get closer to Total Divas Season 2. The Bellas defeat AJ Lee like she is a nobody and that's because she has intercourse with a guy who walked out on the WWE and WWE doesn't forgive or forget such things and takes things out on whomever is still under contract. It's only a matter of time before AJ Lee finds herself back to being booked in segments alongside the likes of Hornswoggle and Titus O'Neil.
Nikki struts around with the Divas title and Natalya looks annoyed because she feels she is entitled to that belt. Natalya also played up an air of bitchiness on the microphone where she referred to herself as wrestling royalty. We’re told Natalya is taking on AJ Lee tomorrow on Main Event. Regardless of what happens hopefully the WWE is leaning towards a Natalya heel turn because the only other heels in the division besides AJ/Tamina are Aksana and Alicia and they both lack the ability to speak which might actually make them the perfect women, now that I think about it. Meanwhile Michael Cole reminds us NCIS is on the USA Network in case the last five minutes everyone catches before the show isn’t a reminder enough.
Chris O’Donnell and LL Cool J are live on RAW. Nobody cares. I sure as hell don’t. Maybe people would have cared in the 1990s. Both of these guys look at Renee Young like they just got out of prison and she's the first piece of ass they've seen SINCE 1990 even though virtually every chick on NCIS Los Angeles is hotter than Renee Young. She must have some sort of excellent perfume or something because everyone acts like she's God's gift to the dick.
Daniel Bryan is up next to talk about the McMahons apologizing to him and how he doesn’t find it sincere. Bryan says that if HHH wants to play COO that’s fine but if he puts his hands on Daniel Bryan, Bryan is going to fight back and he won’t apologize for standing up for himself. Bryan says he’s not leaving until he gets his match with HHH.
He summons an army of nerds in Daniel Bryan t-shirts to refuse to leave the ring until the YES MOVEMENT gets what it wants. The swarm of people who don't bathe, don't touch genitals, and don't have lives continues to grow. There must be so much BO in that ring right now...
SUMMON VIRGINS. 90 MP. Creates wall of virgins. Immune to Pedigrees. Triple H and Stephanie call security. Daniel Bryan demands everyone in the audience leave with them. The crowd cheers while HHH continues to call for security. In the olden days protestors would be hosed down with a fire hose. Maybe that’s what should be done. Most of these people need to shower anyway. Stephanie and HHH lose their tempers with the audience.
HHH sends Damien Sandow out here to remind us he’s still employed. Employed? Yes. Relevant? Nope. I’m sure Damien Sandow would job to all of these people. HHH and Stephanie come back up when Sandow is unable to make it to the ring. HHH says the truth is he likes Daniel Bryan and what he’s been doing is to protect him but now he’s out of control. HHH says he has not given Bryan a match at Wrestlemania because he is protecting him but if he wants a match HHH will not stop until he ends Daniel Bryan.
I hope HHH beats Bryan clean to spite everybody. Daniel Bryan says that what he really wants is a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match so if he beats HHH he gets a title shot that same night and the match becomes a Triple Threat. I saw that coming. I hope Tripe H wins. Could you imagine the nerd rage? I would love it. HHH beats Bryan, Batista wins the title, and the arena tears itself down. It would be the biggest disaster since Hurricane Katrina. Up next is Christian vs. Sheamus in the Memphis Street Fight. I keep thinking they are saying “Meth Street Fight” because you’d have to be on meth to care. I mean they follow a big segment with a match that’s overdone. Not exactly a smart move. Sheamus eventually brogue kicks Christian through a drum for the win.
Batista and Randy Orton are both unhappy about Daniel Bryan having a chance of being in their main event and are about to take it out on Brad Maddox who tells them they are both A+ players and need to be on the same page. Batista storms off without a word. I was hoping for the new DEAL WITH IT catchphrase.
Ugh, here is Lana for the stupid “Rusev stands on a podium segment.” I hate Alexander Rusev. My own personal hell would be trapped in an elevator for eternity with a farting Alexander Rusev. He looks like he smells atrocious.
Every time I see Rusev he reminds me of feces. They should have packaged this guy as the 2nd generation star offspring of Bastion Booger. After that we get a Wyatt promo which I assume means he accepts John Cena’s challenge and our main event tag match which sounds like AIDS on paper because it involves Big Show, Resthold Randy and the Deal With it Guy. Lengthy match which serves to have the commentators, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and JBL play hype for Wrestlemania. Bryan puts Randy Orton away at the end of the match with the running knee to the face. RAW comes to a close and despite the fact some of the matches ran a little too lengthy for my tastes a lot of progress to the storyline by making Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan official. I'm just glad this is over. I have to take a Rusev... I mean a dump.