Recap: WWE NXT (February 5th, 2014)

Time to punish myself with an NXT recap. It’s like the cutting yourself with less scarring and blood loss.  We go right into the NXT introduction.  I like how they continue to keep people like Bray Wyatt, Big E. Langston, and Xavier Woods in the intro even though they almost never show up here now that they’ve been called up to the main roster. 

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Sin Cara is starting things off.  It’s hard for me to suspend disbelief on Sin Cara. Anyone with a working brain knows it is Hunico and this is very Owen Hart/Blue Blazer of them.  Hopefully they don’t do to Hunico what they did to Owen, though.  Of course that would probably still be better than fighting Alexander Rusev tonight.  The reason we are having this match is because Hunico went all #JusticeForTrayvon 2 weeks ago and saved Xavier Woods from Rusev.  I’d rather watch Hunico/Sin Cara/whatever wrestle George Zimmerman than Alexander Rusev.

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Lana comes out here to introduce Alexander Rusev. I don’t get why everyone and their dog has a boner for Lana and her horrible Borat-sounding fake Russian accent.  Lana isn’t an ugly woman by any means but she was actually prettier before the WWE paired her with a fat slob and made her a bootleg version of Ivan Drago’s wife from Rocky IV.  I think the fanfare for Lana is living proof that you don’t have to do ANYTHING to become loved by the WWE fans because they’re all horny virgins who would settle for any twat they could get.  That’s why most of them masturbate to Renee Young on a regular basis even though she looks like any woman you’d see in the street during the course of a normal day.  Of course I’m giving WWE fans too much credit – they don’t see women like that during the course of a normal day because many of them don’t actually leave the house.

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The only other difference is that Rusev is now using the theme he used at the Royal Rumble as opposed to the Bulgarian anthem theme he used to use that sounds like it accompanies audio book readings of novels nobody cares about.  I like how Rusev’s new shorts are pulled up above his bellybutton to hide his sloppy gut and he has been oiled up to look like a Thanksgiving turkey.  Rusev matches suck and make me want to shoot heroin until I end up dead from it like Philip Seymour Hoffman.

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I wish Rusev would end up like Philip Seymour Hoffman. They already share the same body type. Sloppy.  Rusev does not want to let go of his Camel Clutch on Sin Cara.  It’s impossible to take this guy and his Danny DeVito hairstyle seriously. 

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How many times does Alicia Fox have to lose to be considered the Brooklyn Brawler of the Divas division?  Emma is on a push right now since they’re trying to get her to fit right on television so I don’t think it’s Alicia’s night.  Is any night Alicia’s night?  At least she looks good. 

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Oh, look, here is Renee Young so that all the commentators can hit puberty again. I’ve seen Renee Young up close in person. She’s not ugly, but she’s not anything special.  I think just like “real recognizes real,” you can say that “regular recognizes regular” which is why all these below-averages are obsessed with her.  Acting like she’s a Divas expert just because she “has a vagina” is the stupidest thing I’ve heard in my life.  Get Finlay in there.  Better yet, get naked FinlayDick in there – that would be the true expert on Divas (Finlay for a period of time was responsible for overseeing all the Divas training in this company for those who didn’t know).

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It’s amazing how Emma is insanely over with the NXT audience but fell flat upon her RAW debut earlier this week – not because she does anything difference but because it was a dead crowd, and a really bad introduction where she was forced as opposed to naturally brought in.  She was met with all the reception of “hEMMAroids.”  Oh well, at least she has the same catchy entrance music.  I really don’t care about what’s going on here; looking at Alicia is making my penis want to celebrate Black History Month with her.  Fortunately Fox isn’t made to look like a complete chump in this match.  Her dropkick is spot-on, and she controls the match for a good little while, hitting a nice northern lights suplex on Emma, mocking her dance, and the whole nine.  However, after a drop toe-hold to the second turnbuckle, Emma hits the low cross-body, a slingshot and the Emma Lock to get the victory over Alicia.

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After Emma wins the match, Tensai yells “LET’S SEE SOME BUBBLES” but because of his gravelly voice, it sounds like he yelled “LET’S SEE SOME BUTTHOLE.”  Well… now we know how Emma got called up.  Emma grabs the microphone after the match and sends well wishes to Paige who is still out with an injury.  Emma says that once Paige is back she’s finally getting a rematch for the NXT Women’s Championship.  Sasha Banks randomly tries to rush the ring.  Alicia Fox ends up helping the BFFs jump Emma, but Natalya and Bayley rush from the backstage area to make the save.  Six Diva Reckoning is imminent.  Oh wait, Alicia Fox is there; six & 3/5ths.

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Please, no. Then again there’s the chance Neville injures Graves again and I never have to see that stinky-no-bath-taking-looking-trying-to-be-CM-Punk-So-Bad-On-Twitter bastard on my screen for another 3 months again. 

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Sylvester LeFort is out here because he has been forced into this match-up where if he can defeat Mason Ryan, the Worthless Welshman will finally have to work for him.  Does anyone even care about this feud?  Nope, didn’t think so.  Luckily it lasts shorter than a virgin’s first time and Mason gets out of here pretty quickly.  That was predictable.

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Aiden English is jerking off in the dark or something.  He talks about threatening a man in a wheelchair last week – maybe that’s Aiden’s fetish.  Maybe that’s what gets him off.  I wonder if he gets erect watching Charles Xavier in the X-Men movies.  Aiden English further adds he’s going to fight Tyson Kidd.  Am I allowed to say Tyson Kidd in recaps? He’s kind of still mad about the Fake Nattie skit on Asked with Riv and Landin a few weeks ago.

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Sylvester LeFort says he will have revenge on Mason Ryan.  Fighting Mason is literally all anyone managed by LeFort does.  Meanwhile it’s time for Aiden English vs. Tyson in the ring.  Even though Tyson probably wants Johnny Landin and I killed, I have no issue with the guy and actually find him vastly underrated which is why I wonder why exactly he’s been seemingly banished to NXT instead of used on the main roster.  I feel like if he had recovered 6 weeks sooner than he had, WWE would have had him all over the place solely due to affiliations with Natalya and Total Divas.  I guess coming back towards the ass-end of the season meant banishing him to the land of the Yellow Ropes. Oh well, better luck next season despite the fact that in all seriousness he’s a former tag team champion that should at least be a US or IC champion at this stage in the game. Kidd misses a cross-body and hits nothing but ring-ropes allowing English to get an advantage.  English takes control after a side-suplex and begins wearing Kidd down.  I wonder if they’ll give Kidd a victory here or bolster English to push his feud with Colin Cassady and Enzo Amore.  Kidd regains the advantage but is countered again.  Aiden takes control with a vertical suplex but the crowd chants “SAWFT” which means somebody is out here – Big Cass begins to put on Aiden’s beret and scarf, which causes distraction, allowing Kidd to put Aiden English away with the Blockbuster. Our main event: Graves vs. Neville is already up next with a little less than half the show remaining.  Usually I’d love to watch Neville work but I hate Graves.

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Ugh. I decide to move the little ball in the playlist bar all the way to the end.   Neville wins with the Red Arrow.  I hope this means Graves is gone for another couple of months.  As Neville tries to get up to his feet:

There is something about Bo Dallas’ entrance that is incredibly trollish.  Correction:  There is something about Bo Dallas’ existence that is incredible trollish.  Bo Dallas comes out here and wipes his creepy gay “too excited to be babysitting” smile off his face, rolls his sleeves up and makes his way into the ring.  However Triple H interrupts whatever Bo thinks he is out here to do.  HHH says he is glad Bo is out here because he needed to have a talk with the both of them.  Triple H picks up the NXT title and reminds us that the NXT title match February 27th is live. He also says it will be a Ladder Match for the title now to close out the show.

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The only person more heel in Florida than Bo Dallas is George Zimmerman.  Good night everybody!