From the Archives: DON'T Have Kids!

One of today’s biggest trends is having children. More specifically, having children before you’re prepared to have them. And much like marriage this is one of the biggest mistakes one can make in life.

This is what happens when you bust ‘dat nut.

This is what happens when you bust ‘dat nut.

I like kids, which is the main reason why I think most people should refrain from having them. Every year I see more and more of my friends and peers having children, which really makes me wonder if I’m the last one on Earth with any logic. Having a kid is serious, and it boggles my mind why anyone would want one when they aren’t even responsible enough to wash their own ass on a daily basis. I would never advocate abortion, so I can understand a child being born by “mistake,” but some people behave recklessly and wonder why they end up with a dozen children. Like that one guy who has THIRTY children.

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Maybe he can get paid by pitching an idea to @CrankyVince to have a Royal Rumble consisting SOLELY of his kids. He has enough of them.

“A Tennessee man who has fathered 30 children is asking the courts for a break on child support. Desmond Hatchett, 33, of Knoxville has children with 11 different women, reports WREG-TV.

The state already takes half his paycheck and divides it up, which doesn’t amount to much when Hatchett is making only minimum wage. Some of the moms receive as little as $1.49 a month. The oldest child is 14 years old.”

I don’t know who’s dumber, him or the women who sleep with him. They are probably into him because he has a really cool last name. Regardless, someone needs to intervene and castrate him. They should also make it illegal for people with low socioeconomic status to breed. Except in those poor countries where they have mad kids for no reason other than to have them smoke cigarettes and tote machine guns.

Those kids are cool.

Those kids are cool.

I’d imagine there are a number of factors which influence people to reproduce. Not only are there biological urges (theoretically man exists to reproduce), but there’s peer pressure, as well as the media, which glamorizes pregnancies, specifically those involving 16 year old girls.

Dear parents: if your daughter is on this show you have failed. Kill yourself.

Dear parents: if your daughter is on this show you have failed. Kill yourself.

I’d say those shows are the dumbest things on television, but I think that honor goes to the hundreds of shows about Pawn Shops.

When I was his age I was too busy playing Nintendo 64 to even think about sinking the dink.

When I was his age I was too busy playing Nintendo 64 to even think about sinking the dink.

Look at that, she’s bigger than him. He doesn’t even look like he went through puberty yet; she must be pregnant through Immaculate Conception. I’ll tell you whose dope though, that one with the fake hooters, Farrah Abraham.

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I’m gonna try to look past the fact that her lower belly and vag are stretched out from the baby. Once I get past that, she can call me and we can discuss business. Although I’ve got 50 bucks that says her vagina looks about as jacked up as Battle Ravaged Spider-Man’s mask.

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And let’s not forget about how much attention is given to pregnant celebrities. Why does anyone even care? Most celebrities shouldn’t even be having children. Can you imagine raising a child with Snooki?

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I think the best part of this is knowing that Snooki lost her sex drive according to the cover meaning that maybe the 1 in 4 STD ratio in the Tri-State area will finally go back down to acceptable levels, but I feel bad for the guy who knocked her up. The good thing is her being pregnant might make her fall off the face of the Earth like Jamie Lynn Spears. Remember her?

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Eww. That’s just disgusting. Her career has not recovered since, and understandably so. She was a fresh bun, and they tainted her. That kind of thing should be illegal. Aside from ruining hot women by turning them into Clayface from Batman, there are other issues to think about involving pregnancy such as the fact “the world is just too damn crowded.” Overpopulation is definitely an important issue to consider when reproducing. There are 6 billion people on Earth, we’re in a recession and more than half of the world eats flies for breakfast. Yet the Duggar family has 20 children because their religion says contraceptives are bad.

Apparently you missed the church sermon about lust where God said “Thou Shalt Not Bust 20 Nuts.”

Apparently you missed the church sermon about lust where God said “Thou Shalt Not Bust 20 Nuts.”

Their claim to fame is the fact that their father was brave enough to stick his penis inside of his wife after she gave birth that many times. I’d imagine that’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, or going spelunking in his case.

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Yes, that is a real photo of a man engaging in intercourse with a woman who had 10 kids. Notice how his whole body fits inside of her. The one benefit to being MR NO BUNS EVER is the fact that I never have to worry about accidentally reproducing. But I actually feel like I’m in the minority for not having a child yet. And I feel like I’m in an even bigger minority for being a minority without a child. See what I did there? But I’d never want a kid, because then I’d have to share my action figure collection with him, which is a no-go. Especially when they’re about to release a nWo Macho Man figure.

I’m gonna need to put a pre-order in because this is serious.

I’m gonna need to put a pre-order in because this is serious.

If you notice, it’s people who need children the least that have children the most. You’re more likely to find a cracked out Mexican dude who makes 5 dollars an hour having like 10 kids than you are a rich white dude. I guess they don’t have much to look forward to in life so they just indulge in unprotected sex after a hard day’s labor. OR poor Mexicans just have really powerful sperm, which they can maneuver into the egg in some sort of mini-game.

Women, you want a reason not to get pregnant? Well, think about how ugly and stupid your guy is, then think about how your child will inherit a good portion of his traits, and that should be enough motivation. Guys, you want a reason not to get your woman pregnant? Think about how much punishment her body is gonna take after she gives birth.

This is your bun before getting pregnant:

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This is your bun AFTER the pregnancy:

YES, SHE TURNS INTO TUGBOAT.

YES, SHE TURNS INTO TUGBOAT.

Despite all of this women don’t realize that when they are pregnant nobody actually WANTS to see their body. I’m not really sure when this started but I’m pretty sure it might have to do with that one time the media put Christina Aguilera on the cover of a magazine with her pregnant stomach hanging out all over the place in some sort of “it’s ok to be pregnant” campaign.

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That’s absolutely horrid. Christina Aguilera went from being the Genie in the Bottle to just being the Bottle, with enough room to store the entire Robin Williams in her stomach. I used to jack off to that growing up and now she’s… somebody’s Mom. I can’t even fantasize about nailing her anymore because I now realize another human being crawled out of that snatch. Anyway back to my point, there’s nothing worse than seeing a great ass while you’re out somewhere and then the woman turns around and she’s on her third trimester. It’s like being hit with a Kamehameha wave from Dragon Ball Z in real life.

The bulge of the fireball is a pregnant woman’s stomach. But it’s not just in public that this happens. The Internet is no longer safe. For some reason women LOVE to post their pregnancy guts all over their Facebook pages and since everyone seems to get horny and have sex at the same time, it means that usually four or five girls are pregnant at once, and you’re watching them gradually get fatter by the day. Then you frown and make faces like David Otunga’s look of disgust when deranged fans stalk him.

OH-AYE-OH, OH-AYE-OHHHHHHH

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WHEN YA’ STANDIN’ NEXT TO ME (YEAH I KNOW YOU FEEL THE POWER)

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IT’S THE FEELIN’ THAT YOU GET (WHEN YOU FACE THA FINAL HOUR)

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EVERYTHING YOU EVA HAD (YEAH IT’S TASTIN’ KINDA SOUR)... IT’S ALL ABOUT ME, IT’S ALL ABOUT THE POWER.

I wonder if I can hire David Otunga to sue these people for the trauma this has caused my eyesight. Sadly it does not end at photos. Once they have the baby, their next 5000 status updates are the babies ENTIRE LIFE. A member of this very staff was actually “talking to” a member of the forums who had just had a kid. It didn’t really bother him... until he realized that any time she was getting him in “the mood” he’d get a text or get told “BRB, BABY JUST VOMITED.” Nobody should vomit that much. Was the baby BORN BULIMIC? Talking about children vomiting and shitting everywhere is a real dick-killer. BS like this is why people would rather use Twitter now, where you hardly ever see statuses or photo of babies. What’s probably the worst thing about those photos is that most of the women in them aren’t even married to or with the father in the first place, and these pregnancies are usually the work of a woman having a bad day and getting some strange dick at the club from unsuitable worthless men who sit around jacking off to nudity in R-rated movies all day so that they can claim they don’t have a pornography addiction.

The moral of the story is: Don’t have sex with Seth Rogen.

The moral of the story is: Don’t have sex with Seth Rogen.

Come to think of it, isn’t that the premise of the movie Knocked Up? Pregnancy is seriously the ultimate STD though and you probably shouldn’t be proud to be pregnant if your pregnancy was caused by you and the random rod you let slide between your legs not being responsible enough to use birth control and/or a condom. Baby Momma/Baby Daddy drama is absolutely retarded and runs rampant in the world today, and if people were more responsible we wouldn’t have to have Paternity tests 3 times a week on the Maury Povich Show.

What a classy lady.

What a classy lady.

People treat having a child the same way they treat taking a dump. Everyone thinks it’s no big deal and they can just do it every day, which is why we have people who reproduce at the same rate as Gremlins.

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But if you’re a responsible adult, having kids is the end. It’s like getting a Game Over when you die mad times in a video game. Like the game over ending in Donkey Kong Country 3.

I want you to ask yourself: Are your genes really worth passing down to future generations? Does the world need you to reproduce? The answer is most likely no. There are enough people in the world as is, most of which are worthless, so we really don’t need your retarded offspring running around and taking up space. Keep it in your pants, pal.

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