It seems everywhere I look nowadays, all I see are young people getting married. And to that I say: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Why would anyone under the age of 35 ever consider getting married? That’s like signing your life away. It’s like being drafted to Vietnam. You know that you’re probably not going to survive, and if you do, your life is gonna be ruined forever. ESPECIALLY if there’s children involved, in which case not only will your life be ruined, but theirs will be as well.
This is what I think of when I think of marriage. Tons of casualties. CHARLIE’s IN THE TREES.
It’s gotten to the point where marriage in real life has become an even bigger work than marriage angles in wrestling. As a matter of fact, I find the wrestling weddings far more entertaining and realistic than the majority of these shitty weddings I see people having.
Unless your wedding is like this, I won’t be attending. Or if there’s buns. Lots of buns.
I know the gays want to get married and everything and I really don’t know why. But instead of fighting to keep marriage between a man and a woman, they’d might as well let the gays join in. It’s not like marriage means anything anymore, besides being able to file taxes together and share belongings. The marriage gimmick jumped the shark a long time ago. Just like most other trends, the masses of idiots ruined marriage.
The entire idea of marriage and “true love” is preposterous to me. Think about it, there’s billions of people on earth. Humans are proven to marry those who live near them because of convenience and familiarity. What are the odds that you will find your perfect match, especially given the fact that your town only has thousands of people in it? Slim to none is the answer, unless you want to sacrifice your own dignity and put up with someone else’s shit for the rest of your life.
So why do people get married? Well the obvious answer is companionship (see: desperation.) But besides that, people need to constantly feel “loved” and have their ego validated. People are afraid of being alone and frankly, most people are too lazy to live their lives independently. In my opinion, most men marry so they can have a mommy around the house to take care of them. Women get married because they want more money, and in some cases because they’re insecure and are obsessed with the idea of being married.
Three women who should never marry anyone or reproduce. As a matter of fact, Obama needs to outlaw that. Then again he’s probably too busy banging the three of them anyway.
Thanks to being brainwashed by society and television, women feel obligated to get married to a point where they fall in love with the IDEA of being married rather than their actual spouse. Then once the smoke clears and they realize they married a boring, big, fat jabroni who can’t get it up, they end up cheating or staying with the guy and being miserable.
And men are no better. There’s tons of pressure put on guys to marry someone so that they don’t “die alone.”
Who really gives a shit? Let’s be honest, if you’re a guy, you KNOW the last thing you’re gonna want to do is sleep with the same woman for the next 50 years of your miserable life. You KNOW that by the time you’re 35, maybe 40, you’re going to regret getting married. And then from there you’ll end up having a mid-life crisis like the guy in American Beauty, fantasizing about your teenage daughter’s slightly boy-ish friends.
Most guys I know are dirty slobs with no standards, who would probably have sex with their own grandmothers if they were drunk enough. So when you take all of this into consideration, the realistic odds of a guy actually staying faithful are slim to none. Yet men continue to wed, because they refuse to admit to themselves that they'll most likely get bored 2 years into the relationship and mess everything up like the dumbasses they are. I'm not like these guys, of course. If I were going to compare my penis to anything or anyone, I’d compare it to Howie Mandell. A bald germophobe with no interest in becoming acquainted with anyone unless they’re equally as clean.
I was going to include a bunch of celebrity examples to show you how marriages never last, but truthfully, what celebrity couple HAS lasted? I can’t even name one. Although I’d assume most celebrities divorce one another quicker due to the fact that they are financially independent and don’t need to stay with someone else to be able to pay the mortgage on their home.
And even if your shitty marriage DOES somehow last, you’re still going to be miserable. And here’s why:
1) One, if not both of you, are going to get ugly.
2) After seeing your spouse naked enough, you’re eventually going to become desensitized and possibly even turned off. In other words, seeing your significant other in the nude is going to be like seeing a puddle of melted ice cream:
You see it, kind of feel bad, and try to avoid it.
Or if you’re lucky, seeing your partner nude will be like seeing a naked Indian villager:
3) The mystique disappears and you both become humanized. The chase is over, no more mystery, just boredom. I'm tempted to insert an Undertaker reference here, but I'll refrain.
4) You will have to learn with the fact that eventually, you are going to see, smell, or hear your partner shit. Most likely all three. Try having sex after that.
5) If you’re a guy, your life will begin to mirror Al Bundy’s, minus the cool dog and all of the 80’s model chicks rejecting you.
The highlight of his everyday life was working in a shoe store. So take it from Al Bundy and DON’T get married... EVER.
Marriage is just a gimmick, and not just any gimmick -- it’s one of those gimmicks that people come up with when they’re at the end of the line and can’t think of anything else to do with themselves. Kind of like when a wrestling character grows stale so he becomes Mr. Serious Underwear Man and begins talking like a robot to try and be taken seriously. See: JTG
So if I had to bottom line this, I’d say there is no hope. Your relationship won’t last, marriage or not. You’re just wasting your time and money, and setting yourself out for a stressful situation when your partner leaves you or you make a stupid mistake and get dumped for it. Instead of searching for “love” and a spouse, learn to love yourself. And then, go f--- yourself.'