With the fact that it’s Black History Month AND Valentine’s Season it was only appropriate to bring back this one from the catacombs and dark corners of JasonRivera.com past. Written by former site designer, staff member, and all-around long-time friend and associate Cactus Chris, this involves confessing his love for Harriet Tubman, the pioneer known for helping slaves escape to freedom to the north back in the 1800s. Sure she’s been dead for well over 200 years now, but that’s not stopping Chris from breaking down racial barriers and asking this Black History Month icon to be his “bae” (I hate that word) for Valentine’s Day. Check out this piece of poetry Chris wrote to try to enter her escape tunnel.
If you don’t know who Harriet Tubman is CLICK HERE. I’d like to think everyone does but given the massive increase of mentally retarded people on the Internet over the course of a decade or so I figured there is a chance stupid people have no clue. Now without further ado, here is Chris' heartfelt poem to one of history's greatest icons.
HARRIET TUBMAN, BE MY VALENTINE.
a poem by Cactus Chris
I read about you in global
I heard of you in France
I really don’t care
if you can’t afford pants
I know you can’t read
It was illegal for you to write
But you told that master
"I’m a gonna fight!"
Some don’t know why
you did what you did
But when that white man came
You ran and hid!
It’s true, my love is only for you!!! If you aren’t sure who you are out there, maybe this will help you out.
I read of you in the fields
forever picking cotton
you were whipped and beaten
now that’s pretty rotten
I wish I could have been there
and done something to have helped
But I wasn’t
so you sat there and yelped
I am now here to save you
to end all of this harm
now I want you home
and work you on my farm
That’s right, I’m talking about you darling! You’re the only one for me! Remember the time we went clothes shopping? I wanted to buy Fruit of the Loom underwear, and you wouldn’t talk to me for 3 months? Those were the greatest times in my life, baby!
O’ Harriet, it’s been the greatest sex ever
O’ Harriet, I don’t want you to ever leave... never
O’ Harriet, We’ve been together for years and years
O’ Harriet, calm down, and drop those spears!
O’ Harriet, I know your face looks old and grumpy
O’ Harriet, I know your back feels rough and lumpy
O’ Harriet, Please understand, that means nothing to me
O’ Harriet, I have a blindfold and don’t have to see!
I don’t know how else to put this! I just can’t live without you. I, Cactus Chris, am asking YOU, Harriet Tubman to Be My Valentine!
Harriet Tubman, you make my heart bigger and bigger
Harriet Tubman, do you realize, you’re my favorite nigger
Harriet Tubman, My mom’s a nut, but you can stand her
Harriet Tubman, Here’s hoping you never get cancer!
I remember when we were running for the north, and you had go run 400 miles back because you forgot your reading glasses! Oh boy I was mad to find out you taught yourself to read.
I remember all those years I thought the Underground Railroad was a steam engine that ran through sewers.
I remember all the jokes I made about you being whipped... well, Harriet, I see now that I’m the whipped one.
I hope to God you say yes, Harriet.
And after poetry like that, who wouldn't? Cactus Chris and Harriet Tubman will go down in the annals as one of the greatest interracial relationships of all time, along with Captain Kirk and Uhura, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, Jax Briggs & Sonya Blade and last but definitely not least, E.T. the Extra Terrestrial and Elliott.