Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (February 3rd, 2014)

I’m not even in the mood for RAW. Not because of CM Punk leaving because I really couldn’t give two shits one way or another but because of the fact that wrestling fans are kind of annoying with their constant whining for a beat over the situation. 

If you catch Randy Orton at the right moment he always manages to somehow look like a toothless old man.

If you catch Randy Orton at the right moment he always manages to somehow look like a toothless old man.

Randy Orton is complaining because of the fact everyone in the Elimination Chamber is someone he’s beaten a billion times.  He does this while CM PUNK chants start in the audience and tune out mentally on what he is saying.  He adds that he and Batista are no longer equals and he has surpassed him, the Authority is conspiring against him, and he is the best ever.

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This signals the Authority, and Stephanie McMahon and Triple H talking to Randy Orton like a pair of disappointed parents.  Stephanie claims that Randy Orton is paranoid.   Triple H says that every week Orton says the same things on the microphone about how he’s facing impossible odds and he is treated unfairly and these are the kinds of things that make them question whether or not they should place their faith in somebody else.  Stephanie further adds that Randy Orton will be in singles matches against each person in the chamber and if one of them can beat Orton that person might become the face of the WWE – she adds that she can’t believe she’s saying it because the first one is Daniel Bryan.

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After being told that The New Age Outlaws and the Rhodes Brothers will face off in a steel cage match for the tag titles, the Shield make their way to the ring for a six man tag team match (big surprise, since Ambrose never defends the US title).  We are reminded the Shield is not pleased with the Wyatt Family. The Shield fights Big E. Langston, Kofi Kingston, and Rey Mysterio:  Team “random midcard minorities.”  I tune out while this match goes on because I really just don’t care.  I feel like “random pointless match” would be better time spent on establishing angles and feuds and purposes for other people wrestling but now we just have match, match, match, match and very little emphasis on points to them.  There has to be balance.  The story is that Reigns was going for the spear on Langston but Ambrose tagged himself in and hit the DBD on Langston for the win.  Seth Rollins again has to play moderator for these two as they are interrupted by the Wyatt Family on the Titantron.

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Bray Wyatt says that he understands them now.  He says something about building an empire while watching his enemies drown.  Harper adds that he has always been their king and starts whistling.  Rowan ends it with RUN as the transmission cuts off.

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How many f---ing times do we have to see this match?

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IT IS TIME WE HAVE SOME DECORUM.  Bad News Barrett might be the best part of this show.  He points out that the Superbowl was the most watched game in history but he has some BAD NEWS because those people spent time shoveling junkfood down their fat gullets and clogging their arteries that most of them won’t survive until next year’s Super Bowl.  Unfortunately Jerry Lawler interrupts this crap and tells Barrett he won’t be around next week, which I assume means Wade Barrett is going to job to Jerry Lawler next week.  Cole shows us how to download the WWE App afterwards and follows up by shilling the WWE Network’s programming.

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WWE is so low on star power they finally had to bring Christian back from whatever closet they locked him in and wouldn’t let him out of.  Christian is taking on Jack Swagger who will likely lose because they seem to be pushing dissention within the Real Americans. I don’t like the idea of splitting Cesaro and Swagger, especially not turning Jack Swagger face because I don’t think the audience will ever be sympathetic towards him.  We’ve also just split the Prime Time Players and Tons of Funk.  We also have the Rhodes Brothers and Shield about to fall apart.  Rest in peace, tag team division.  OH WELL! WE STILL HAVE RYBAXEL!!!  Swagger, predictably loses, and predictably gets yelled at by Zeb Colter and Antonio Cesaro.  Our tag team title cage match is next.

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Hey look.  Old people.  I like how the NEW New Age Outlaws shirt is a picture of them from like 15 years ago. 

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When you think it can’t get any older, Mae Young… err… Betty White is hosting RAW.  If Batista can win the Royal Rumble 4 years past his prime, Betty White might win the WWE World title next week.  I have to take a dump.  I find this more important than the actual steel cage match which is legitimately under tag rules and not tornado tag rules which means they have to make actual tags during the match. 

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During commercials we have Alberto Del Rio tell us he “won’t stand for hate” and has partnered with the USA network and BE A STAR, which is hilarious because EVERYONE hates him.   We come back and Cody Rhodes hits a moonsault (somewhat whiffs and is covered up by the camera angle) to Road Dogg.  He’s then hit with the Fame-Asser and pinned.  Cue Goldust being angry Cody was a glory hog.

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Boring.

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Even worse.

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Much worse.  Titus O’Neil with some evil negro music.

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Even worse still the Miz is out here complaining about not being on RAW.  Titus wins his first match as a heel on RAW.  Nobody cares.  It is mildly amusing that the Miz is complaining about not getting airtime during a Zack Ryder match and that guy NEVER gets on television.

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People care even less for Fandango and Summer Rae because Fandango-ing is officially dead.  Michael Cole shills Black History Month and celebrating the legends of Black History Month.  They honor Ernie Lad.  This is going to be a disaster.  Not everyone is Ernie Lad; most of the WWE black wrestlers are guys like Kamala and Saba Simba with highly racially stereotypical gimmicks. 

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Making matters worse, we come back to a Santino Dance-Off segment.  Santino says he wants Summer Rae to have to dance against Emma, so this will make her debut official.  The crowd doesn’t even seem care much about Emma’s dance when she does it.  They’re louder by default for her dance, though.  At least she’s keeping her NXT theme, which is awesome.

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And you thought this couldn’t get worse, did you?  SHEAMUS.  And to top it off with extra “screw you” he’s fighting Curtis Axel. That’s my cue. See you later.  I go downstairs, get a drink, stop by the bathroom, take a piss, call my mother, walk the dog, come back and this garbage is still going on.  I’m not sure if the people are booing Axel or booing the entire product.  The CM PUNK chant starts again.  Punk really doesn’t want to be here, but I guess on the other hand chanting the guy’s name shows dissatisfaction towards the current product.  However not buying their tickets or merchandise would speak more about being dissatisfied with the product than chanting the name of a guy who doesn’t even want to be a part of this company (can’t really blame him on that one; I question why I recap this).  Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick but I’m not sure why you’d even care.

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BOO-Tista comes out here.  Nobody is happy to see him despite the fact he is a face. 

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Alberto Del Rio interrupts saying Batista is going to put these people to sleep.  He’s here to save us from Batista… or to help him put us to sleep.  The CM PUNK chant starts up again.  Del Rio said something about balls, and called Batista a “perro” at least I think because I can’t really understand him.  He tries to cheap shot Batista and almost gets bombed in the process but escapes. Nobody cares about this feud.  This is followed up with Dolph Ziggler & black people vs. The Wyatt Family.  I call them "Black People" since R-Truth and Xavier Woods do not have an official WWE team name.

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Grimace from McDonalds returns next week to do nothing!  The Wyatts kill Dolph Ziggler.  Now it’s the Shield in their little boiler room having promo time.

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The Shield is highly effective when it comes to promos.  So too is the Wyatts and both groups can back it up.  The problem is that their other factions are so stagnant.  Bray Wyatt yells “I WELCOME THIS WAR, BRING IT TO ME.”  I feel like THIS could be a long term feud/rivalry in the company if they weren’t so intent on splitting Reigns from Ambrose so badly within the Shield.  If you just had two factions both causing chaos everywhere but diametrically opposed to one another it could be an interesting game with both groups trying to out-do or 1-up each other.  Of course this is a throw-away to end the Shield instead.  Pity.

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Rusev already bores me to death on NXT, now he’s on the main roster too?  I hate my life.  Lana does not make watching Rusev tolerable. 

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The highlight of this RAW has seriously been Naomi and Cameron rubbing their asses against each other.  Naomi is in a singles match against Aksana (with Alicia in Aksana’s corner), and to make matters worse for Naomi, AJ and Tamina have arrived so that AJ can do guest commentary.

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AJ makes JBL wear her hat.  I admit I laughed a little.  Naomi’s ass is like erotica during this match and I think it’s all anyone pays attention to in here.  Do you know she blocked me because I said I’d eat her ass with a spoon in one of these recaps and her brother cursed me out on Facebook for it and told on me?  True story.  Naomi wins.  I sit here and question whether John Uso does the Usos entrance and stomp and yells like a savage before nailing her.  I would.


Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton closes the show at 10:30 and even though everyone is drinking Daniel Bryan’s Kool-Aid, I cannot when he’s fighting Orton for like the 57th time in a one-year period.  We are reminded Betty White is hosting RAW again and I realize that if White is hosting and Mark Henry is coming back Betty’s about to be impregnated with a hand-baby the way Mae was.  Nobody seems happy – the crowd craps on the match in favor of tons of CM PUNK chants at first, anyway.  This match is actually pretty damn good and Daniel Bryan wins the crowd over with his offense.  Kane comes down here and Daniel Bryan dropkicks him immediately, takes out both men with a dive to the outside and drop-toe-holds Kane into the stairs.  He defeats Orton with the running knee despite Kane’s horrible attempt at interference.  After the victory, Kane and Orton jump Daniel Bryan who gets taken out with the chokeslam.

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Hopefully Kane isn’t an attempt to sidetrack Daniel Bryan into another feud that keeps him out of the title picture… but he probably is.  Either way it’s time to shower.  Every time I watch wrestling I feel dirty like I’ve gotten cooties from watching it.  I need to remedy this.  Good night.