Recap: WWE NXT (February 19, 2014)

I am pretty sure this NXT will be nothing more than a 45 minute long commercial for NXT Arrival on the WWE Network.  I probably shouldn’t be wasting my time with this and neither should you because I am sure nothing of note will happen here.

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Well this is off to a bad start.  Here come the kings of “nothing of note,” The Ascension.  Remember when the Ascension had those cool creepy promos at the top of buildings and high production values?  Apparently Kenneth Cameron won those in the divorce because ever since they replaced him with Rick Victor/Viktor Rise/Guy Who Had a 69 in his Twitter Name Forever, they’ve done literally nothing of note.  The only reason these guys are even NXT Tag Team Champions is because NXT has no other teams.  Byron Saxton points out that the Ascension are the longest reigning tag team champions ever on NXT.  Considering NXT in its current form hasn’t been around all that long, the tag titles have been around even less, and the fact there are no teams, this is a worthless bit of information.  The length of days I’ve gone without sex?  Now THAT is an impressive feat.  Most of you would have offed yourselves.

Maybe I’d get sex if I stopped watching NXT. Wrestling is hazardous to your cock if you’re a male.  If you’re a female you’re in luck because most wrestling fans will sleep with anything.

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We are told the kick-off show will feature The World’s Largest Just for Men Ad, The Hart Family Zombie, and Fat Jew Version of Steven Segal.  I bet Bret doesn’t even know he’s booked for this.  I bet Bret Hart will also say almost nothing and be expressionless the whole time.  It’s like watching someone who is moving while in a Persistent Vegetative State.  The last time I saw someone in Bret’s condition function it was while watching the Weekend at Bernie’s movies.  Oh well, Paul Heyman should be good.  Nash can go either way.  Still, I barely want to watch NXT; why would I want to add 30 minutes to the clock?

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The Ascension are fighting a couple of “This Guys” tonight.  It looks like what happened is DeMott hired the local cable repair man to the roster for hooking him up with free pornographic channels on his HD television.  I can’t see any other reason these two losers are here.  See, this is what I am talking about.  The Ascension fails to impress me because other than fighting Hunico and Camacho they have had no legitimate competition for the brunt of their tag title run.  They might as well start beating up two guys I a horse costume, or a kid in a wheelchair because that’s about the level of the majority of their competition.  The Ascension kills these guys and I could not care less.

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I care so little that I don’t even care enough to put the BRAZZERS logo on this screenshot.  That should tell you how little I care.  We are told also on tonight’s card, Adrian Neville will take on Tyler Breeze.  Since Neville is the only person capable of making Tyler Breeze do more than throw kicks in his matches that one should be somewhat decent.  Also Emma will take on Summer Rae which seems somewhat redundant since we’re going to get that very soon on the main WWE roster anyway. Brandi Rhodes/Eden Stiles/whatever you call her takes this time to announce that Tyler Breeze has entered the building.

We go from that to the BFF leader, Summer Rae.  Charlotte tries to pose like she has an ass (she doesn’t), Sasha Banks tries to pose like she has tits (she doesn’t), and Summer Rae is just kind of there.  Surprisingly there is no “random Renee Young” to “be a woman expert,”

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Emma and Bayley make their way out her and Bayley wields a sign saying that Summer Rae has yellow/green teeth.  I wonder if that means Summer Rae smokes.  That’s a dealbreaker.  The match just sort of happens.  I’m pretty tired of the BFF faction and I think the NXT Divas need to be more mixed up.  The commentators hype up Emma vs. Paige at NXT Arrival next week.  I’m sure Emma’s got this match in the bag so she can have momentum going into that bout.  Paige has been a ghost – and I’m not talking about her skin color but due to an injury she hasn’t been seen in months.

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After Summer is disposed of Emma and Bayley celebrate.  I love that someone has “Vegemite Vixen” on a sign in the crowd because it’s some kind of creepy food Australians eat.  Vegemite sounds like a disease you get in your vagina, though.

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Faggot alert!  We have a faggot alert in Sector 7 Backstage Area!  Oh, it’s just Tyler Breeze.  Same thing.  Devin Taylor interviews him about what he thinks about facing Adrian Neville in the same sentence and Breeze is offended she used “face” and “Neville” in the same sentence (because he’s ugly, get it?).  Devin Taylor should instead interview Tyler Breeze and ask him which of Facebook’s 50 new gender identities he is listed as on his Facebook page because I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to refer to Tyler Breeze as a “him.”  Breeze say he cannot let Adrian Neville win the NXT championship because if he becomes the “face of NXT,” he’ll be representing the entire roster including Tyler Breeze.

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Up next Renee Young will interview Sami Zayn and Still-Antonio-3-Weeks-Ago Cesaro.  I still don’t get the dropping his first name (or dropping Big E’s last name for that matter).  This segment involves being told that Zayn cannot touch Cesaro or he will lose any chance at the NXT title in the future and Cesaro cannot put his hands on Zayn because he will lose his Elimination Chamber spot. 

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Here is Antonio Cesaro doing what I do when I watch a lot of this stuff – become disinterested and search my cellphone hoping somebody has just sent me nudes.  Sadly I get no hot chick nudes.  I don’t think Cesaro does either.  I bet the guy sending him nudes is Zeb Colter.  I should totally ask long-time friend WWFMike to go ahead and make a fake Colter nude in the same tradition as such abominations such as FinlayDick and Jinjack.jpg.  But I’m not that hateful of the world…. Yet.  Renee leaves when this argument gets heated and when these two get up in each other’s faces.  Cesaro storms off after Zayn pretty much tells him off.

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With all due respect to Adrian Neville, Breeze has a point.  Neville is not an attractive man.  Breeze vs. Neville is going to go long.  And as expected Neville made Breeze actually do some work tonight.  A long, well-fought match happens which involves Breeze actually putting in some offense that isn’t a kick.  I mean I saw him throw several punches, too!  I’m convinced that if Breeze lost his arms in a tragic Jax Briggs Fatality from Mortal Kombat accident that he’d still be wrestling without arms due to the lack of any offense that isn’t kick related.  Finally as I type that Breeze actually hits a jawbreaker on Neville.  However it’s not long before things turn back into Neville’s favor and he puts Breeze away with the Red Arrow.  The only offense Tyler Breeze has in his arsenal is that I am offended he gets to nail Audrey Marie.  Neville is about to speak on the microphone after his victory and then…

Bo Dallas IS the personification of “trolling.”

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Just look at this, everyone.  Take it all in.  This is your NXT champion.  He looks like a middle schooler in a suit.  Smiles for miles, everybody.  The NO MORE BO chant is loud and clear.  Bo Dallas laughs and makes weird jokes only he gets and then shows us his best racist Chinese cartoon facial expression. 

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Neville responds to Bo’s jokes saying he knows what Bo’s problem is now (or I think he said that because I still can’t understand them).  Neville says something about be how he’s going to “Bee Choo Op.” 

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Bo Dallas then proceeds to make Rape Face at Adrian Neville.  Neville tells Bo he knows he wants to hit him and asks him to do it.  Bo instead retreats as we come to a close.  Not a bad little showdown to generate excitement for Live NXT Arrival… too bad they taped 4 more weeks of NXT to air AFTER Arrival, and thus spoiled the results of said show.  Alright, I’m out.  Aren’t you glad I recap this so you don’t have to waste time downloading and watching it yourself?