Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (February 17, 2014)

-sigh- Wrestling. If wrestling weren’t so ingrained in the culture of the Listen To This Show fanbase, I wouldn’t waste my time with Monday Night RAW because I am adult with an IQ higher than 70.  Anyway, here I am. It’s time for RAW and if you want to help the cause, then please spread the good word of this site and our show to normal people so that one day I won’t have to rely on the schizophrenic, wishy-washy, inconsistent idiots that only like us until we bash their favorite wrestler.  Also go to the donate page and drop us a few dollars so that I can keep writing recaps, and so we can keep doing episodes of the show every week – dark times are ahead, and all help is appreciated.

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Last few minutes of NCIS.  Oh look, it’s Bob Morton from Robocop!  Why do I know that?

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I’m more concerned with this little cute ginger girl that looks like she can take the dick.  Hey. Call me.  I want to do an interview with you on Asked with Riv & Landin so we can ask about 3rd orifice intercourse and whether or not you’ve ever banged black guys. 

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Here is the Wrestlemania XXX sign.  Be sure to point at it.  I WISH Wrestlemania was XXX.  I’d rather watch the Bella Twins scissor each other than anything that seems to be shaping up on the card.  Speaking of things that I’d rather see the Bella Twins scissor than, here comes John Cena.

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It’s strange that John Cena is taking somewhat of a back seat this year – supposedly he’s going to be booked to fight Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania, and I can’t say that a match with Bray Wyatt sounds like Wrestlemania material – it sounds like “episode of Smackdown” material.  Cena hits the Elimination Chamber hype promo.  Cena continues telling us things we already know, so I feel like this promo is done in hopes that he entices lonely women with neglected vaginas and little kids who have no role models to look up to into buying the Pay-Per-View.

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This commercial for the Chamber is interrupted by Cesaro (no longer Antonio because allegedly Vince thinks Antonio is a faggot name).  Cesaro says when he defeats Cena and the rest of the Elimination Chamber competitors he will become the face of the WWE and the face of AMERICA. 

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Cena and Cesaro go face to face, where Cena informs Cesaro that he’s not on a winning streak; Orton, whom Cesaro beat on Smackdown is on a “losing streak.”  Is it a “losing streak” when Orton beat Christian between losing to Cena and Daniel Bryan?  Sheamus interrupts this and says nothing I care about.

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Sheamus theatens to kick Cesaro and Cena’s teeth in.  We’re also reminded Sheamus is fighting Randy Orton tonight. 

Here is Christian looking like he has painful diarrhea. The type that makes your ass feel like it is burning.

Here is Christian looking like he has painful diarrhea. The type that makes your ass feel like it is burning.

Christian comes out here next to throw his two cents in on Sheamus.  Finally we are joined by Randy Orton.  I know this is supposed to hype me for the Elimination Chamber but it just makes me bored, tired, and anxious to do something else like read a book, play World of Warcraft, masturbate to adult videos, or watch The Following on FOX instead.

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Here comes Daniel Bryan in a shirt that Tap or Die tees came up with before WWE’s t-shirt team did – the idea was blatantly stolen.  Daniel Bryan makes the crowd go nuts.  Okay, whatever.  Can this promo end yet?

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Daniel Bryan and his YES chant get interrupted by Kane.  Stop the pain. Hey. That rhymes.  Kane tells us he’s in charge tonight.  He puts John Cena vs. Cesaro and Christian vs. Daniel Bryan with the latter of the two matches to start right now while Kane watches.  Also two matches are made for later:

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Roman Reigns vs. The Grimace

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Mexicans (two of them are Puerto Rican though) vs. The Wyatts.  Christian attacks Daniel Bryan from behind while the commentators were trying to talk about those matches and the crowd boos as Christian beats up Daniel Bryan on the outside.  JBL on the commentary booth says this is what Christian needs to do.  The crowd has a unanimous Daniel Bryan chant as Christian tosses Daniel Bryan into the steel steps.  We come back from commercials and Christian dominates most of the match with an aggressive streak – Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler mention how Christian is the only guy who hasn’t beaten Randy Orton out of the Elimination Chamber opponents Orton has been forced to run the gauntlet against and that the frustration is getting to him.  Am I the only one who has noticed Christian’s gimmick for the past two years or so has been “really desperate guy?”  Daniel Bryan eventually overcomes Christian with a roll-up.  After that, Kane says he neglected to mention Daniel Bryan has another match tonight… against Kane.  Kane starts destroying Bryan as we hit more commercials. 

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Kane eventually gets disqualified for choking Daniel.  It was more about causing damage than winning the match to Kane so this was effective.  I bet Chris Benoit wishes all he got for choking Daniel was a disqualification. 

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I think most girls want to be Renee Young and fulfill their Shield gangbang fantasies.  Roman Reigns reminds Dean Ambrose he lost to Mark Henry.  Reigns says he can do be better while Renee asks them if they are not on the same page.  Seth Rollins, The Mom of the Shield, claims they are always on the same page.

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Here is some WWE Network propaganda.

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Here is Johnny the Jobber.

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Here is a really unfunny comedy gimmick

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Here is me playing World of Warcraft instead of paying attention to anything that goes on here.  The only relevant part of this is to continue to introduce NXT’s Emma to the WWE crowd.  They play it smart and show us NXT footage, which is way more interesting than pairing her with Santino and expecting the crowd to give a damn.  Somehow Fandango wins – it’s a miracle. Don’t they usually just job him to R-Truth every week?

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I minimize my World of Warcraft to watch a Rick Ross interview.  I don’t know why.  Face Mark Henry is boring.  He needs to just retire.  There’s nothing else Mark Henry could do at this point that would interest me.  His match with Reigns is up next.  Excuse me while I don’t care.  I’m not a horny female nerd so Reigns isn’t that exciting to me, and Mark Henry… let’s not even go there.  Reigns dispatches Henry much to Ambrose’s dismay.  Ambrose’s response is to kick the shit out of Mark Henry after the match repeatedly while Reigns looks on annoyed and confused. 

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The Wyatts interrupt this lovers’ quarrel on the Titantron – Bray Wyatt says that the shattered bones of the Shield will pave the streets of his kingdom and on his throne he will turn them all.  Bray asks the Shield if all of this was worth it.  Harper asks if they are willing to die for this to which Bray adds if they are not then they have already lost.  Reigns wants Bray Wyatt to come down here and talk trash directly. When Bray concurs, Rowan tells the Shield to run.

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Staredown #2.  Reigns takes the first steps forward and the Wyatts are not backing away.  Now the entire Shield steps forward.  Bray holds Harper and Rowan back and the Wyatts leave to the dismay of the entire crowd.  I like the way that they are making the crowd more anxious to see physicality between both groups.  Usually WWE would make everyone fight 12 times leading up to the Pay-Per-View which makes people NOT want to see it because they are bored by the time it happens.

Grown men playing with action figures is not socially acceptable. WWE just wants you to believe that because fat virgins in their 40s buy more action figures than kids do.

Grown men playing with action figures is not socially acceptable. WWE just wants you to believe that because fat virgins in their 40s buy more action figures than kids do.

Here is product placement 101 by Cody Rhodes and Goldust.  This is actually an amusing little segment where Wade Barrett has some bad news and kicks their toys off the table. 

Wade Barrett hates you.

Wade Barrett hates you.

While Cody and Goldust pick up their mess, Kofi Kingston takes on Jack Swagger.  We have seen this too many times.  I decide to read the newest Walking Dead comic until this goes away since I haven’t checked it out yet and the comics are better than the TV show.

After Swagger causes Kofi to tap out, Big E (no Langston: see also: Cesaro) comes out here for a match next. 

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Big E is taking on 2 of 3MB.  Heath Slater seems to have randomly disappeared again.  Zeb Colter probably hates all of these men, since one is black and two are foreign.  Zeb Colter begins yelling at Big E claiming the E stands for “embarrassment” which is what Big E will be after Jack Swagger beats him for the Intercontinental Title.  Big E. hits Big Endings on the 3MB members and gets the victory.  Langston (IT’S STILL LANGSTON TO ME DAMN IT) says that he hopes Zeb has diapers in his size because at Elimination Chamber his mouth won’t be the only thing full of crap.

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Speaking of crap, here’s RUSEV!

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We come back to a tribute to Ron Simmons… who they turned into a guy who only says DAMN despite all his achievements.  WWE does what they often gloss over and reminds us Ron Simmons was the first black World Heavyweight Champion.  After that Cena talks to Renee Young about his match with Cesaro.  I just find myself bored.  Cesaro vs. Cena happens, Cesaro is made to look good but Cena wins, which should tell you what Cesaro’s career will be like, forever.

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Oh, joy.  To be fair Cena/Cesaro did great in the ring with each other and was easily the match of the night. Randy Orton/Sheamus is just something to put you into a coma and make you regret your life afterward.

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Happy Father’s Day.

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Happy Angry Older Brother Day.

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Happy PERRO Day.  After this we get a Titus O’Neil promo where he talks about the “rise” of Titus O’Neil. Insert jokes about his 3 inch penis here.  He’s feuding with Darren Young and they will fight at Elimination Chamber.  And nobody will care.  Meanwhile the Mexicans are fighting the Wyatts.  Mexicans lose.  Yawn.  Is this over yet? After this they put the Usos, namely Jey against Billy Gunn in singles action.  This is what I told you about – WWE giving us the same match over and over before the actual Pay-Per-View.  Jey Uso beats Billy Gunn to give us the thought that the Usos might actually beat the New Age Outlaws at the Elimination Chamber (SPOILERS: They won’t so that the Outlaws can get a Wrestlemania paycheck).  Byron Saxton interviews Sheamus backstage. 

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Can this end yet?  Randy Orton vs. Sheamus is next. It’s time to make some calls, take a dump, maybe get a glass of water.  The match ends in a schmozz when the Shield attacks Sheamus and causes a disqualification.  Cena rushes to save Sheamus and the other Elimination Chamber participants rush the ring as well as the Wyatt Family.  The Wyatts and the Shield begin to brawl as well as we close up.  Not a bad finish to the show because they needed to wake everyone up after Orton/Sheamus.  Still, I feel like the WWE is on autopilot and so am I.