In Elementary school, I fondly remember having those Valentine’s Day parties where all my “now married or knocked up” classmates would give me a “whatever-cartoon-was-popular-that-year” Valentine. Then I would wait, patiently, and hope that the one special boy I really liked that month would give me the big Valentine. You know what one I’m talking about. The one Valentine that was always two sizes bigger from the rest of them and which you always put aside to give to your “crush” (or the teacher if you were a kiss ass). But, when all the Valentines were passed out, I’ve digested enough of those gross chalk-flavored candy hearts, and my expectations were crushed – that’s when I realized – Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday.
When you magically morph into what scientists call the “adult” stage of your life, Valentine’s Day doesn’t get better – even if you are in a relationship. I’ve been in relationships during Valentine’s Day and I still thought it was lame. If your significant other only gets you half-dead flowers, disgusting boxed candy, and a teddy bear which looks possessed on February 14th, you might want to reconsider that relationship (it’s not going to last, FYI). Call me old fashioned, but I prefer relationships with the opposite sex where we show affection towards one another on a daily basis. So, why did society find the need to run off and create a holiday for something we should already be doing every day? Oh, that’s right; it’s all about the money. Cue the Donald Trump theme song, please. They make millions off of this so-called “Valentine’s Day”. Here’s a great tip. Sex with your significant other doesn’t cost a dime and you could have it any time of the day, week, month, or year. Maybe the government should look into a dedicating a holiday just centered on having sex, think of the amount of money they could make. Something like, “National Bang a Babe Day”. Let me contact my good friend The Minion and see if we could make this holiday happen.
So, what if you are single on Valentine’s Day? Well, you should take this as the ultimate blessing. You should not, however, proceed to bitch, moan, weep, show pictures of you cutting yourself on any form of social media – this includes Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vine, Myspace, the WWE App, etc. Why? Because 89% of people just don’t give a damn. We at Asked with Riv and Landin don’t care. Your friends don’t care. Your Mother doesn’t care. Even the Pope doesn’t care. Cause, guess what? Other people are single as well on this pathetic excuse of a holiday. When they open Twitter or any other social networking site, they don’t want to see someone shedding crocodile tears into 140 characters, mostly about how they will be “forever alone”. Sorry, sweetheart. Go to your nearest grocery store, buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, and shut the hell up. If you are really that emotionally unstable over one day of most likely “fake romance”, go write a tumblr blog about it so the masses could proceed to ignore your cries of desperation.
Valentine’s Day is overly commercialized and borderline pointless. Come February 14th, don’t let society pressure you into listening to “My Immortal” by Evanescence on repeat for 24 hours straight, spending money on a thirsty hoe that doesn’t deserve it, or sending vodka-fueled text messages to every ex boyfriend/girlfriend who did you wrong. It’s just one god damn day out of the entire year, people. Continue to do whatever the hell you were doing the day before that. Actually, no, some of you need to be productive. Go to work (or find a job), go to the gym, have a random dance party in your underwear, take your best friend out on a date, or you could grow a set and talk to the person you like (sometimes it does work). Do something, anything, other than mope around and complain about how it’s Valentine’s Day. Who knows, maybe next year you could be dating someone amazing and the holiday won’t seem all that worthless. In my opinion, however, Valentine’s Day will always be nothing but society’s way to suck us dry of our hard earned money … and another excuse for me to waste money on cute panties at Victoria’s Secret. Damn that store.