Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and as our Social Networking Coordinator, Lindsey, posted in a previous article, Valentine’s Day is kind of a stupid holiday, mainly due to how annoying and whiny people become on it who do not have a Valentine, a sweetheart, a significant other, a f—kbuddy, a boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. When I was younger it used to bother me that I was alone on Valentine’s Day – hell, there hasn’t been a Valentine’s Day where I HAVEN’T been single because of the on-again-off-again nature of most of my relationships anyway. As I have gotten older, however, the pendulum swings the other way and the people who spend all their time complaining on Twitter and Facebook or passively-aggressively making fun of themselves for being single hoping somebody feels some sort of pity for them have become the absolute dirt worst.
Psychologically speaking, it doesn’t matter if it is Valentine’s Day or not; men and women both dig confidence, and if you don’t actually HAVE any, you’re going to stay single. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you hashtag “Forever Alone,” the more alone you’re going to actually be. If you remark how “boyfriendless/girlfriendless” you are all the time and how much it bothers you, people are just going to assume that if they did get into a relationship with you that you would be annoying, clingy, overbearing, and difficult to deal with. Nobody wants to be with someone who NEEDS a relationship to VALIDATE their entire existence. As I thought about what Valentine’s Day has become and what it’s supposed to mean (other than a fake, pointless Hallmark-created holiday to sell candy, flowers, and stupid greeting cards), I realized this “If Valentine’s Day is about love, why not celebrate MYSELF?” Nobody loves me more than I love myself – and that’s pretty much how it should be for everyone out there. If you don’t love yourself nobody is going to love you. Seeing as I don’t have HAVE a Valentine’s “date” in the traditional sense, but seeing as I “love myself” I opted to “be my own date” and indulge. Let’s see how MY Valentine’s Day unfolded, how I felt about it, and how it probably ended up far, far more constructive than any of you who opted to sit at a computer all day, or check your cellular phone every 30 seconds hoping that somebody gave a damn about you.
I woke up about 8:49 a.m. which for me was pretty early. Considering that I pretty much did nothing but attempt to sleep the previous 2 days due to ice-storms knocking out my power for a considerable part of both days I was up a rare “early” for me. I’ve said before that if I can avoid waking up before 12 noon, I will. I love sleep and I definitely don’t get enough of it.
Adding to the fact that there are “no takebacks” once I get out of bed, my dog, Mia, decides to plop her big ass down in the spot I was just sleeping in to ensure I cannot reconsider. This is useful for keeping me awake on days where I really need to be on my feet – but I can assure you it’s also highly annoying when I do things like “wake up to go to the bathroom.”
However with a face like that it’s really difficult to tell her to “get the f--- out of my spot” when she does it. Dogs are cool – when you’re single. When you’re in a relationship as evidenced by stories by Johnny Landin on the show, dogs will cock-block you at every opportunity.
This phenomenon is known as Doggus Interruptus and it is the struggle of dog owners everywhere.
I wake up, check the mirror – yep, I look like ass because I just woke up. I should probably do something about that. Still no matter how crappy I look first thing in the morning I still look better than anyone who is bitching about being alone today – who all remind me of this photo which is in my bathroom.
This photo reminds me of all the sad people online. You are all sad clowns. I decide before I do anything about looking like “the thing from under the bed, not in it,” that I should probably take a minute to do some productive things, like, oh-I-dunno, get a workout in. I really would prefer jogging but there is a dilemma here. Despite the snow slowly melting it is ridiculously cold and horribly windy, possibly rainy, and I despise the cold.
Yeah, I’m not going out in that. Fortunately on days with bad weather, I have a punching bag. I like to work out at home. Call me crazy but I don’t like spending money on a gym membership and listening to random pop music songs from Britney Spears or Katy Perry or any of those people while trying to get things done. Gimmie like… the Street Fighter soundtrack or something, or better yet give me episodes of Asked like the most recent episode, 194, where Johnny and I played the Newlywed Game with the Plastics as our dates/partners.
I crank up the episode of the show, throw on some workout attire and hit the punching bag, which doubles not just as exercise but as therapy. Any negative emotions I have towards anything in my life I focus into this kind of a workout. People you want to punch in the face, situations that make you upset. If I’m holding it in this is the time to let it out. Hell, I’m angry at myself for dressing like that WHILE hitting the bag but I need the hat to keep my hair out of my face, and so I end up looking like a sloppy hillbilly in that attire. Regardless, hitting the bag is a good way to start the day, releasing anything pent up inside of me. Now let’s look at what I did, and let’s look at you – me? Hit the punching bag, getting exercise and releasing negative energy at the same time so I don’t have it in my brain. You? Sat on Twitter bitching about being single/alone, and chances are you’re also not comfortable in your looks meaning there is a good chance you are fat or “feel fat.” Either way you’re probably not comfortable with yourself which we established is probably why you’re so mad ABOUT being single. Keep in mind that just like concepts like morality, your fitness is relative to perception – example: Johnny Landin, my co-host, disqualifies ANYONE who has any fat on them. Of course he also lives a more gym-based lifestyle than the average person. I on the other hand figure, as long as you’re not an obese slob, you might be doing alright. The trick is to be comfortable with yourself… unless you’re one of those people who are like 300 lbs. and tries to fit into booty shorts – THEN you’re just a delusional slob inflicting pain on everybody’s eyeballs.
The point is I’m not in GREAT shape in the traditional sense, but my goals are to get into my comfort zone/stay in my comfort zone and that work for me. If you’re not doing ANYTHING to get into a comfort zone, THAT is why you don’t feel confident in your looks. And tweeting is not going to get you there. Sitting on your ass is not going to get you there. And you don’t even need to go to a gym – get a punching bag, or take a walk, hell do some WiiFit or some DDPYoga (and while you’re at it, fat-asses, click on either of those products to buy them off Amazon and help us pay for the site in the process).
After getting done with hitting the bag, I realize it’s time to do a little cleaning. My room is a mess, and nobody wants to live in or come home to a mess. Chances are if you have a sloppy room, you have a sloppy life – it’s a fact. I never could understand people who do that. How do you find anything you are looking for? Or how do you bring people over? Some of my guy friends growing up and well into my mid-20s were the dirt worst at this – you walked into a room and there were empty CD cases on the floor, dust everywhere, near-empty pizza boxes with left over crust in them, and you got hit in the face constantly with a smell that I can only describe as “musty sweatsocks meets chronic unbathed masturbation.” Guys, you may not think so but you need to face the fact that EVERY man smells bad in raw form, and so you should invest in things like air freshener constantly.
I use Glade mainly because it’s cheap, effective, and if my father gets angry and throws the can at me the can is less likely to scar my face than the heavier cans that Febreze comes in. Anyway, a clean room is a clean mind. Sure you can be messy and have the “nobody is going to see my room anyway” mentality – but life is about opportunities and chance and on the off chance a friend wants to swing by or you meet new friends, it’s a good idea to treat every day like somebody might show up and get a bit more organized. So I spray air-freshener (especially since I just got done hitting a punching bag), vacuum (because I have pets and subsequently I have pet hair which is bad for anybody to inhale even if they don’t have allergies), and make the bed.
Of course the dog thinks this was done for her benefit and immediately lays down on it. Notice the sign above my bed which reads FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS TAKE HOME UGLY PEOPLE. That’s a sign to never lower my standards – and we’ve already established in many a previous article that there are way more ugly people in Georgia than attractive ones if I wanted to punish myself or settle for less than I know I deserve.
Looking at the clock I still have a ridiculous amount of time before lunch or anything to do, and I really don’t have the mindset to sit on a computer right now. I like computers but social media can be a huge waste of time and energy if you let it and sometimes you come off stupider having read the retarded garbage of Chloe from Vine memes, “Person below This Tweet” tweets, and unfunny “Will Ferrell Parody account” quotes. And before you ask why I follow these accounts, I don’t – people, even people you thought were smart will retweet just about ANYTHING. The point is, 140 characters or less is a brain-rotting way of thinking that has caused our attention spans to lower and our brains to shrink. So I instead opt to waste my eyesight on something better.
I pull out a book. Books are awesome. I’m currently behind on reading books, admittedly due to how much time I spend doing other things including this website. Stories fuel imaginative thoughts, and reading something of substance is way better than sitting on line and going “HURR HURR, CAT MEME.” Jim Butcher’s Dresden books are pretty awesome if you’re into magic and sorcery but in a modern setting with comedic elements and nerdy references mixed in. I’m currently on the most recent book, Cold Days, which is appropriate considering that I’ve been living in a god-damn ice storm most of the week. I read a few chapters to kill some time, laugh a little bit at some of the comments in the book and keep going. By the way, you should try reading the books here, staring with Storm Front and working your way on down – buy them on Amazon; you know the drill by now. I also want to point out, I like ACTUAL books and I am not a fan of Book Reader Tablets, and while they have become more common, I just don’t like the idea of looking at any more “screen” because we all look at too much “screen.” Also books have this really awesome smell especially when they are new and I don’t understand why someone hasn’t fashioned THAT into some kind of air freshener or cologne yet. I’ll take New Book smell over anything, except maybe New Car smell (which by the way I hate that air fresheners marked “New Car smell” actually smell NOTHING like new cars; I am talking about the legitimate smell of a new car).
Oh by the way, I just also want to point out that The Walking Dead has books, and Game of Thrones is even better as a book than as a show (the show isn’t bad, but the books are intense). Believe me when I say you’re all missing out when you focus more on television and less on the original subject matter from which television shows are taken from. Anyway, I take a shower, pull out the best of my products, clean myself extensively, hell, I even shave my balls just so that I can look and feel good.
I wore a suit jacket and pants today – no special occasion or anything, but just because I could. Way too often we try to make ourselves look good for other people. You spend twice as long in the bathroom before a big date, or whatever. This is a self-date but I’m also placing the importance on the “self.” You should treat every moment you’re out even by yourself the same way you treat those “looking good for other people” days because you should not “look good for other people.” You should look good for yourself. As long as you feel like a million bucks, you’re ahead of the game. You don’t have to worry about “that person that didn’t notice your new outfit.” As long as you like it and YOU noticed the effort you put into yourself when looking in the mirror who really even cares about the rest of the world?
I treat myself to Lunch at the Golden Buddha, to have something I haven’t had in a long time and usually only on special occasions – Sushi. It’s what white girls eat! (we determined this on Asked with Riv & Landin 194). In fact it was a white girl that introduced me to sushi, and I remember suddenly that it’s her birthday tomorrow and I should text her.
I over-indulge just a little, picking up scorpion rolls, super crunch rolls, and honey rolls. It’s been a long time and it will probably be a long time before I have it again, so why the hell not? I like sushi and when I first tried it I was surprised I did. The thought of raw fish initially freaks a person out. Then you realize you’ve eaten tuna fish sandwiches in your life and that too is raw fish and figure “Why not?” Definitely worth trying new things in your life (in your cases leaving the house might be a “new thing.”)
After thanking myself profusely for the sushi. I decide to make a few stops to buy some things.
I go to PetsMart to buy a few gifts for my dog, because animals are cool and love you unconditionally unlike humans…
…and to Publix to buy a few cards and candy for my parents. If Valentine’s Day is about love, then I should express it to two important people in my life, and while most of you are giving things to your ROMANTIC lovers, let’s play the odds here – chances are you’re going to break up. With parents, you only get one set of them and when they’re gone, they’re gone. I figure buying something for them actually matters because they also come from the generation that wasn’t tainted by social media and to them these holidays we’ve become such cynics and overly-materialist f—kwads over actually still means something. After getting that out of the way, it’s time to treat myself to a movie and what is more romantic for Valentine’s Day than the FUTURE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT, ROBOCOP?
Robocop was actually a decent remake opting to only loosely resemble the original, starting its own universe, and making a more serious action film instead of the tongue-in-cheek satire of the original 1987 film. I like both versions of Robocop for different reasons. But the point I want to make here is Robocop is the essence of the self-date. I really wanted to see this film. I don’t have to ask myself if I want to see the film. I don’t have to hope I say yes. I don’t have to worry about any of those extra logistics that comes from being in a relationship, or worse, centering my life around a relationship.
Chances are if I were in a relationship I would have been stuck watching that stupid romantic comedy movie, About Last Night, starring Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart, if you’re reading this, you’re in way too many movies right now and becoming an annoying little bastard; please go away. Relationships are about compromising who you are and while that’s not entirely a bad thing since most of the Valentine’s Day singles REQUIRE a relationship to validate their lives I’m pretty sure they’re the type that lose their individuality when they get into relationships. You’ll never see Robocop until or unless your relationship ends because “your girlfriend said no.” You essentially will become that guy in Pineapple Express who wants to have dinner with his wife and gets shot to death by Craig Robinson.
DINNER’S GONNA BE COLD TONIGHT, ASSHOLE!!! You know it wasn't until This Is The End that I learned/memorized that black guy's name. Before that he was just HORSEDICK.MPG no matter what movie I watched (because of Miss March) - oh and click any of those links to buy any of those movies - hell, even if you don't want Miss March, buy it for me because I don't have a copy of it in my collection yet. But in all seriousness, I have no respect for people that stop “doing them” when they get into relationships. You know, the types that dress like their significant other, get their hair cut like their significant other, and stop having ideas and interests outside of what their significant other likes.
This isn’t cute. People like this look like incestuous siblings, not like a couple. It comes off as creepy and pathetic. If I wanted a relationship that involves two individuals attracted to each other, not joining the goddamn Borg Collective from Star Trek.
This is why I hate people. Anyway, with my night just about over and effective it’s time to settle in at home. I decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day further with my girl Jill Valentine (whom I dedicated an article to) from Resident Evil with the gift I got for myself for Valentine’s Day – Resident Evil Revelations (buy it here).
It’s nice not to share the controller. Besides, most girls who claim they are gamers aren’t really all that into survival horror.
Most girls who are into video games are the type of girls who count gay-ass cellphone games like Candy Crush and Flappy Bird as videogames, and think they’re hardcore gamers because they got halfway through Kingdom Hearts on Playstation 2 but never actually finished the game because it was “too hard.” These are the same girls that probably turned Batman into a fashion statement to wear on their panties but have never touched a comic book in their lives. I hate “faux-geekdom.” I really, really do. After a little gaming, I decide I’m tired because it’s been a long day and I close out the night with an action flick, again because I can, and turn on Escape Plan (BUY THIS MOVIE) starring Stallone AND Schwarzenegger.
Because let’s face it, even if I were in a relationship you’re going to have to put up with my love of ‘80s action movie stars that are still doing it in films to this day. Stallone and Schwarzenegger were manly men from a manly era that wasn’t sitting here whining about hybrid cars, being single, and people using the word “fag” being homophobes. They came from an era where people relied less on social networking and more on social individuality.
And that’s what this whole article has been about “social individuality” and the concept of loving yourself and enjoying yourself and being comfortable in your own skin and happy with who you are. This article may be posted on February 15th, but you don’t even need a holiday to celebrate yourself; you can do that every day or ANY day you feel like. You don’t need a relationship to define you, you need to define yourself and maybe, just maybe one of two things will happen:
- People will notice your confidence, admire you and you finally won’t be single.
- You’ll still be single, but you’ll be okay with that because you’re having a good time being yourself and enjoying all the ways that it is an advantage instead of a disadvantage.
So stop being whiny bitches, stop being sad and pathetic, especially on Valentine’s Day and next year when this stupid holiday that really shouldn’t matter much to begin with anyway rolls along, instead of sulking on a computer in bed eating a tub of ice cream and going “WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LIKE ME,” maybe you should go out and turn it into a celebration of yourself, a celebration of being single, a celebration of being an individual and be proud of yourself instead of a shameful pathetic mess that worries about being alone or not getting any. Oh, and if your problem is you’re not getting an orgasm on Valentine’s Day, there’s a cure for that too.
It’s called masturbating to pornography which is STILL a better use for a computer than whining to strangers that don’t care anyway about how alone you are.