Recap: WWE NXT (February 12, 2014)

So… I’ve had a rough week and two days without power.  Let’s see if NXT makes me wish I was STILL without power instead of finally able to recap it or not.  I feel like this is all going to be on auto-pilot until February 27th WWE Network NXT.  We get the WWE signature and the NXT intro.

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We start things off with six Diva tag team action.  As you can see in this photo Natalya has grown two more arms which is the newest in a string of horrible gimmicks they have given her such as “farting” and “hanging out with the Great Khali.”  In actuality Natalya has not become Goro from Mortal Kombat – it’s just that Emma is behind her poking her arms out to do the Emma Dance.  For insulting Natalya I have to do 6 “HAIL TYSONS” and make sure that I “relax.”  I’m not sure what any of that really means.  I WISH WE COULD JUST GO BACK TO THE DAYS HE’D WISH ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON MY BIRTHDAY.

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Bayley is here as well.  Here is your reminder that Johnny Landin has had his hands closer to Bayley’s anus than you ever will in your miserable sad lonely pathetic lives.  Don’t you feel good about yourselves?  Probably not. That’s why you’re wrestling fans.  The face Divas of NXT will take on the heel Divas of NXT, the BFFs, consisting of Summer Rae, Sasha Banks, and Charlotte but first let’s meet our commentary team for this week:

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William Regal, Tom Phillips, Alex Riley, and of course BECAUSE this is a Divas match, we bring out Renee Young because she is an “expert” on all things “Diva.”  How?  Why?  Because she’s a woman?  What’s she going to do?  Tell us how the fallopian tubes and ovaries work?  Have her period on the announce table live in front of everyone?  I don’t dislike Renee Young, but I don’t find her all that great either – I think wrestling fans kiss her ass because they’ve never been allowed within 50 feet of a woman before.  I feel like most of the fans that talk about how great Renee Young are would let her take a dump on their chests if she asked… without getting any sort of genital-to-genital connection either.  If you’re a huge fan of Renee Young you probably think the Big Bang Theory is an excellent television show and I hate you.  With Kaitlyn gone from the WWE, Renee Young also caters to the market of people who have really weird, gay senses of humor that involve stale quotes from “The Simpsons” circa the 1990s.

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Apparently because Charlotte is still injured Alicia Fox will be an “honorary BFF” for the time being and wrestle.  I really find this BFFs faction annoying.  Summer is the best one of the group, but her character differences from NXT to the RAW/Smackdown roster are as different as night & day.  It’s sort of like how Captain America and Ultimate Captain America are both the same guy in theory but actually two separate characters altogether. 

Charlotte creeps me out because she is Ric Flair’s offspring with one of his four ex-wives who was apparently Vigo the Carpathian, the Sorrow of Moldavia from Ghostbusters II.

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The sad part is that while I am completely heterosexual, Vigo the Carpathian’s sidekick in that film, Janosz is more sexually attractive to me than Sasha Banks dressed in all that stupid bling gear.

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He’s probably a better lay, too.  As for Alicia Fox.  She’s just… there.  Do you ever think Wade Barrett did the Bad News Barrett gimmick in bed?  Like maybe doing Alicia from behind and slipping it in her ass without her knowing he was about to do it, but hitting the “I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU” line right before doing so?  Of course he did.  He probably Double-Penetrated her with the gavel up her ass.

Tom Phillips and Renee Young confirm that Alicia is now in the BFF faction.  This would actually make sense… if Summer Rae and Alicia Fox managed to acknowledge this association in any way whatsoever on main WWE television, which they don’t and probably won’t.  Instead Alicia Fox tags with Aksana almost exclusively because somebody gets a kick out of hearing JBL and Michael Cole say “JBL and Cole Show” 50 times while Aksana wrestles.  They should make her write “JBL & Cole” on her ass-cheeks for advertising.  The match begins.  I can’t help thinking that I wish one of these girls would put their nose on the line against Summer Rae where the loser gets Summer Rae’s nose.  Summer’s one negative quality physically is her beak.  But if she won Bayley’s nose, or Emma’s nose, or even former NXT Diva-turned-minimum-wage-bartendress Audrey Marie’s awkward-shaped nose, it would be a definite improvement.  Emma and Summer start things off.  We are told that at the LIVE NXT on Feb. 27th, Emma will finally get an NXT Women’s Title match against Paige.  Summer is terrified when Natalya tags in and immediately runs and tags Sasha Banks.  It’s hard to believe Sasha would be able to mount any offense against Natalya.  I’m sure the left vaginal flap of Natalya weighs more than the entire Sasha Banks.  Natalya finally back-bodydrops Sasha and even stomp jumps her like she’s an enemy in a Super Mario Bros. game.  While chaos ensues and Bayley gets tagged in Alex Riley tries to convince us he is a heterosexual and wants to marry Emma.  Bayley monkey-flips Alicia who is now tagged in; insert your own racist joke here.  Alicia drops Bayley with a dropkick to gain control and goes for a cover but Bayley kicks out.  Bayley gets slowed down and we hit commercials, which I never understand why we hit them on an Internet Show – apparently because NXT is available on television in markets nobody cares about like Charlotte’s Mother-Father Vigo’s home country of Carpathia.  Coming back, Summer Rae is taking it to Bayley.  I start to lose interest in the match and play with my cellular phone.  Nope. No KIKs, no Snapchats, no love.  Since no girls are sending me nudes on any of those things I guess I have to pay attention to the match… and Sasha Banks, who saddens me. 

The commentators bumble and fumble and blubber over Renee Young like she wouldn’t let all three of these guys play in her holes simultaneously anyway. That kind of stuff makes me want to vomit or mute the commentary – and speaking of which, before you say “WELL IT’S NOT LIKE YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB,” actually I can; check out Landin and I on NWAFAG on YouTube, available by CLICKING HERE.

Renee Young says that if she had kids she would want them to be like Bayley and I can’t help but laugh because we’ve already established that Bayley’s gimmick is that of a “mentally retarded person.”  If Renee Young wants to pop out a few slow children, I’m afraid her best chance for mating died in 2007:

The fact this match is still going on (along with its awful “three pathetic men who want to be balls deep in Renee Young” commentary) make me want to get some rope and a Bowflex myself, actually.  Alicia tries to put Bayley away with the Northern Lights Suplex.  Alex Riley starts putting over how Alicia reminds him of an Olympic sprinter.  She does have that Kenyan spear-chucker vibe to her actually.  I feel like if she found you in the great giant plains she would chase you, catch you, impale you on a spear, and then cook you and feed you to her tribe.  Finally after what feels like a million years Bayley hits a vertical suplex on Summer Rae and makes the hot tag to Emma who begins to destroy the entire enemy team. 

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Alicia is in trouble and the other three BFFs decide to turn on Alicia because they don’t like black people – and before you say Sasha is black, she doesn’t count because I’m pretty sure she’s some sort of 7 minority mix.  Jesus Christ, Ashley Flair is an unfortunate looking woman.  Most days I’m not even sure she actually IS a woman.  Alicia taps out in the Dilemma.  Does this count as another face turn for Alicia?  Because she turns face/heel like 47 times per year.

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I’m not going to lie – the Cassady/English feud has actually been somewhat amusing. 

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We are also told the Wyatt Family is here.  I actually miss their NXT days.  I enjoyed them much more than I do the Ascension.  That’s later in the night – first we go to Aiden English vs. Colin Cassady.

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Even though Aiden English is amusing, I miss the days he was a no-name jobber and I used to just replace his name with @ProSexTips (which is run by friend and occasional Asked w/Riv & Landin guest, @BreadFoster). Aiden’s singing is so ridiculously over the top.  I feel like this would work well on the main roster even though English looks like he hasn’t seen the sun since 2003 & kind of has the build of a Michael’s Arts & Crafts Store employee. Cassady is insanely over with the NXT crowd.  At first I really wasn’t buying the Enzo Amore/Colin Cassady team but they’ve made this whole “SAWFT” thing work and they sort of just act like dickheads to all their opponents – which sort of makes them a politically correct-watered-down version of Riv & Landin now that I think about it.  Maybe that’s why I like the pairing.   William Regal is sexually fascinated with Aiden English which terrifies me, and says that it pains him to watch anyone put their hands on Aiden English.  In what I consider somewhat of an upset, Aiden English reverses Colin Cassady’s finisher into the Director’s Cut for the win.

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Up next SETH ROGEN AND CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI STAR IN “THIS IS THE END 2.”  I can’t look at Sami Zayn and NOT make a Seth Rogen comment.  It’s virtually impossible.  Zayn is going to call out Antonio Cesaro (apparently now just “Cesaro”) so they can have one more match at NXT LIVE, which should be pretty damn awesome. 

Sami Zayn has one of the funniest Titantrons in the WWE because essentially it’s just him jumping around a lot in the dark.  I remember myself, Landin, and Krispin Wah laughing at how ridiculous it was since it was initially filmed when WWE had no footage of Sami Zayn to use to fashion a Titantron whatsoever OTHER than him jumping around in a dark room. Hey, everyone… remember when EVERYBODY ON THE INTERNET thought unmasking El Generico would be a huge mistake?  Mask, or not, the guy is still very over with the NXT audience, who are still doing “Ole” chants for him.  Zayn says he is obsessed with the mistakes he made during his last bout with Cesaro and he can’t figure out where he went wrong.  Cesaro makes his way out here and tells Sami Zayn he is starting to sound pathetic.  He says nothing Sami Zayn did during the match would have made any difference whatsoever and the match was always his to win because he is better than Sami Zayn. 

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Cesaro adds that Sami Zayn will have a great career DOWN HERE.  I’m not sure if he’s talking about “down here” as in NXT or “down here” as in sucking foreign penises on Craigslist for minimal amounts of money.  I do know the gauntlet has just been thrown down.  Cesaro says that Sami Zayn can defeat any competitor he wants except for Antonio Cesaro.  Sami Zayn takes this moment to tell us that they go way back and bring up their history on the independent circuit without bringing it completely to the front – well played.  Zayn follows that up with pointing out Cesaro is on RAW, Smackdown, and still on NXT as well fighting anyone and EVERYONE but yet he won’t fight Sami Zayn one more time.  Cesaro makes Sami Zayn his word that there will be no excuses when he beats him again.  The crowd chants PINKY PROMISE and as the crowd goes nuts, Cesaro says his answer is STILL NO, and kicks Sami Zayn in his bad knee then tosses the microphone at him, beaning him with it for good measure.  As Cesaro tries to leave he is interrupted by Triple H, who tells Cesaro that if he doesn’t want the match, the people do… and so does Triple H.  The match gets booked for NXT Arrival because that is BEST FOR BUSINESS.

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Oh look, it’s a random loser.  This guy probably got brought into NXT in lieu of some crap DeMott bought at the local Home Depot and didn’t pay for.  This guy is Tye Dillinger.  I don’t think anybody cares, though. 

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Ugh. CJ Parker.  He’s NXT’s version of diarrhea.  Hate that guy.  He wins. Nobody cares.  Even worse he gets to cut a promo after the match complaining about the fact the people don’t love him and he does so much for them and our world because he recycles and drives a Ford Fiesta.  He says that they boo him for loving Mother Earth but he should boo them for their pollution that they cause.  He says they don’t love him and now The Moonchild doesn’t love them either.  I admit Heel CJ Parker is kind of funny - an annoying hippie that everyone wants dead.  They should make him parody the "Occupy" movement, too, while they are at it.

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Up next the Wyatts and their dope entrance music. 

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They are taking on Jason Jordan and another random nobody.  This nobody probably delivers DeMott’s mail and got offered a job.  I totally am at the edge of my seat compelled by this and not sure who is going to win this match!  Just kidding… the Wyatts kill these fags.  Bray then hits Sister Abigail on Jordan and cuts a promo over his corpse.  I realize that this is the end of the episode which feels so… abrupt. Oh well, I’ll take the death of a random black guy for no apparent reason at the hands of the Wyatts any day.  Besides, I have better things to do. Actually, no I don’t… but I’m tired and need to get some sleep eventually.