Valentine's Day Meets Black History: Famous Black Chicks I'd Bang

Another classic article from the archives - this is how I wanted to get my Jungle Fever on in 2005 and who I wanted to do it with.  I should probably update this article as there are many more African American famous women I'd do than there were before - Naomi and Cameron of the WWE come to mind for example.  Still, here is the original.  I had a dream... that dream involved a lot of black booty.

So being that it’s Black History Month and the hideous holiday of love/sex/touching no-no-places of Valentine’s Day is upon us I decided that to contribute my share (and combine both festivities into one article) I’d have to write this article and list black women who I’d bang the hell out of and explain why.

Let’s get to it:

Storm from the X-Men

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Storm has the honor of being the first one that I would mention. It simply boils back to my fascination with Marvel comics and the fact that if she let a guy with a metal leg like Forge have at it, I’m pretty sure if she were real I could hit it. Could you imagine a room with sex with Storm? I wonder if her eyes turn white and it starts thundering outside while it gets windy. I bet she causes hurricanes when she orgasms. It’d be a hell of a ride. I dare say that it would be a wonderful evening.

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Notice I did not put Halle Berry. For Halle Berry to be worthy of my penis, she would have to be in Storm attire and if the wig fell off, I’d leave.

I should point out that because Storm’s weakness is “claustrophobia’ that as soon as I’m done nailing her I would lock her in a closet and listen to her freak out, which might be more fun than the act of having sex with her.

Queen Sharmell

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I don’t hurt women. I make them feel good. You see, readers, we all have our vices. Mine just happens to be GUTTERSLUTS like Booker T’s wife. I probably have some psychological disorder, I don’t know, but I’m going to go ahead and say this: Booker… I want. I don’t know if I can. Alright, alright. What I wanna say is Booker… I wanna have… … … Alright alright, I’m going to say this, I’m just gonna say it. BOOKER. I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE and I’m not just talking ANY kind of sex with your wife. I’m talkin… you know that kind of BEASTIALITY SEX with your wife. What I wanna have with your wife Sharmell, I wanna have that kind of PERVERTED SEX!


Hillary from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

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…This is somewhat like banging a white chick since she’s light-skinned and doesn’t speak in Ebonics. Also she seems like she’d put out for a new handbag and some designer sunglasses. That’s fifty times better than prostitution.

Thing’s Girlfriend (Fantastic Four)

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In the Fantastic Four movie she’s blind, and it would just be awesome to drill a blind chick. She’s also got a nice pair of knockers, and I’m pretty sure that having sex with a human rock is uncomfortable so I know she’s got to be craving dick. It’s clobberin’ time… for her vag.

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I just hope that Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t start stalking me or installing giant searchlights to shine inside my bedroom like he did when Patrick Wilson was married to her in Lakeview Terrace.  That's a great and hilarious comedy by the way so CLICK HERE to purchase it (or anything else from Amazon really as it helps pay for the site if you do).

Tyra Banks

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Tyra’s really thin because she’s in the modeling industry. Painfully thin. Starvin’ Marvin thin. While I’m not a necrophiliac, this is the closest I can get to having sex with a skeleton without actually having sex with a skeleton and that means I should do it solely to cross it off my bucket list.

Layla El

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This one isn’t even comedic. I’m not even going to make a funny statement. I just want to wreck the hell out of her. It’s amazing what a straightening iron and a heel turn can do, because since she ditched that stupid Bozo the Clown afro she had when she first started I can’t help wondering what her vag tastes like… then again given her pre-WWE career, her vag might taste like the entire Miami Heat. On second thought maybe I’ll just stick to doing her instead of performing oral sex on her.  Then again I'm not Frank the WWE Clown or Johnny Landin so I probably wouldn't stand a chance.  Oh well at least she thinks I am only 26. Then again she also thinks I'm Filipino.

Harriet Tubman

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Before all of you freak out that I have listed Oprah Winfrey due to the fact the bitch is disturbingly ugly and the supreme overlord of everything wrong with the earth let me explain the logic here.

--Oprah Winfrey has more money than God.
--Oprah Winfrey is queen of all women, so if I have the most degrading sex possible with her, it’s like giving a big SCREW YOU to every woman on earth.

So basically I could get paid millions of dollars to ram Oprah Winfrey hard and aggressively, and there would be nothing soft about this, I’m talking about “choke that bitch out,” “flush her head in a toilet filled with piss while doing her from behind” nasty degrading sex so that every woman on earth is also being nailed metaphorically through my misogynistic ass.

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I would bang Oprah so hard that it would generate 1.21 gigawatts of power, allowing Susan B. Anthony to feel it back in time, it would cripple her and put her in a vegetative state and women wouldn’t have the right to vote, and then I’d come back to our time and have a hot wife who sits at home all day and bakes me brownies and lets me have insane amounts of sex her.

…I have a vivid imagination.  I probably need therapy.

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