Have a Happy (Jill) Valentine's Day!

February 14th is an important day for me as it should be for everyone because it is Valentine’s Day and Valentine’s Day should be special to everyone because it is the day we celebrate our deep appreciation for that oh-so-important truly special person in all our lives...


I’m talking about Jill Valentine, from the Resident Evil videogames. It is just a testament to the greatness of Capcom that we have an annual holiday which is dedicated to The STARS Alpha team’s greatest asset.

...and what an ass it is. Jill Valentine represents my favorite thing on the planet: white girls with big asses.

...and what an ass it is. Jill Valentine represents my favorite thing on the planet: white girls with big asses.

Jill Valentine is an amazing woman and should be an inspiration to us all, keeping a cool head under the pressure of a biological weapons disaster which would cause a miniature zombie apocalypse. Aside from that she is the Master of Unlocking and this is evident by the fact she owns the key to all our hearts.


I mean there are few women that can totally rock the shit out of a beret & some cargo pants, yet Jill Valentine pulls off the look to perfection - AND manages to carry 2 more items than her male counterpart Chris Redfield. Sadly for Chris there is no such thing as Redfield’s Day. This is because he simply does not have what it takes to be an inspiration to us all.

Two more inventory slots. Suck failure, Chris!

Two more inventory slots. Suck failure, Chris!

Jill also has an enhanced resistance to disease, as in Resident Evil 3 she was infected with the T-Virus only for Carlos, that dirty spic to find the vaccine and cure her before she could become a zombie. The result is Valentine has a heightened immunity to diseases. This likely means that her vagina is clean and this is a good thing. It also helps that despite being a powerful female lead she’s never been romantically linked to any of the males in the Resident Evil series at all meaning that she is saving herself... for me.



She’s also one of those select few women that can either be a brunette or a blonde, as evidenced by the change in her hair color by Resident Evil 5 caused by Wesker attempting to turn her into a bioweapon and augmenting her with a serum that had the side-effect of causing her hair to lose pigment. Somehow she pulls both colors off perfectly, although I do hope Valentine returns to her natural color in the next Resident Evil game she is featured in because most blondes are conniving untrustworthy bitches and we can’t have Valentine’s good name tarnished by such a thing.


Apparently Jill has her sexy brunette goodness back in Resident Evil: Revelations. This is excellent news for my penis and the world.  You should celebrate too by clicking here, BUYING THE GAME, and helping out this website in the process since we get a cut off anything you buy from Amazon after you click here. The bottom line is that Jill Valentine should be an inspiration to us all, a beacon of hope in a dismal world filled with biological weapons and the undead. She shows us there is hope in a bleak world that there are hot chicks with great asses that can hold their own in a gunfight with Tyrants and Nemesis T-Types.  Jill Valentine is my favorite "woman that doesn't exist" of all time right behind Kara, whom I used to infiltrate Plenty Of Fish.


Sorry, Rebecca Chambers, you don't get your own holiday. Maybe if you didn't have a haircut and the tits of an 8-year old boy..

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