From The Archives: Or Not. No Hot Included!

Another great "love and romance" article from the JasonRivera.com archives in 2002 - this one involves my attempt to look for love on the site known as Hot Or Not and was my first realization that women in Georgia are pretty much awful and that I'll probably be alone for as long as I live here.  It was also incredibly mean by today's "moral" standards but back in 2002 people weren't crybabies about these articles - they just laughed.  I miss 2002.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE ISN’T FUNNY - IT’S JUST MEAN.

Perhaps if you use the Internet a lot, you’ve heard of a site called Hot Or Not which allows you to view people, rate their pictures, and even meet people in the same location as you. Anyway, I was bored, I felt bad, I felt creepy, and I had nothing better to do, so I decided to try my luck and see what kind of hot chicks lived in Georgia and used Hot or Not, only to find that 90% of chicks who own a computer in Georgia are total and complete reekazoids... Let’s start this quickly, shall we?

theperfectugly.jpg

THIS is the perfect ugly. There’s a difference between being different and trying too hard. Not only does she seem like a bitch, but she seems highly critical of other people’s lifestyles. Now, I might bitch about people who act ghetto, or I may bitch about people who are preps, but I don’t generalize all people who go clubbing or hang with “their peeps” as being people I don’t bother with. This chick is a bonafide UGLYSAURUS REX. Shall I continue?

carrottop.jpg

I didn’t know Carrot Top was from Georgia.

downs.jpg

You mean to tell me this thing has a webcam, and couldn’t screen-capture a better picture? I don’t think screen-capturing however, is the problem - I simply think this chick has Downs Syndrome. She heard she has a great personality - yeah, that is if you thought Rocky Dennis was attractive. News flash, SOMEONE LIED TO YOUR ASS!

childabuse.jpg

This girl is pictured above abusing the hell out of a small child. What a great way to meet people.

grimacedaughter.jpg

Oh, look, Grimace from the McDonald’s commercials had a daughter.

quickwaytoano.jpg

Being a single mother is a quick way to a no, no matter how big your titties are and no matter how blonde your hair is. Why should I raise your kid, lady? Why should I pay for your mistake?

fatty.jpg

Oh God, no.

bubbagums.jpg

Being up close in the camera allows me to see the following facial errors - big bubba gums, bags under the eyes and more cracks and faults in this woman’s face than on the surface of California. She kind of loooks leathery, like Hulk Hogan.

inschoolsuspension.jpg

This girl is apparently in time out or doesn’t really that In-School-Supension is over for the day.

headhunter.jpg

There’s nothing that says “Let’s meet up” more than a guy holding your head up because you’re too stoned to hold it up yourself. Unless something is severely wrong with this woman’s neck - of course in that event I wouldn’t want to meet her anyway. I’d rather meet the one on the RIGHT.

fattyagain.jpg

No, No... Just f--king No.  Being ugly and having two profiles is just a quick way to get DOUBLE the amount of NOs.

oblivionface.jpg

Two kids before 25 is pretty damn whorish (this was not common in 2002 –Riv). Not to mention by the frown, the lines in the face, and the bags under her eyes as well, her face looks like oblivion. This woman looks like the apocalypse waged a war on her face and everyone died on it (or at least shot off on it).

isthisnidia.jpg

Apparently this is how Nidia found Jamie Noble.

juststupid.jpg

If you think having a website makes you smarter, you’ve never been to a Geocities fan page.

princesssubway.jpg

There is something disturbing about dressing up like a princess, being bloated and farty, and then taking a picture of it all for other people to rate. However, I do hear that should she drop about 670 pounds that Subway will declare her the “Princess of the Low Fat Sub” and arrange a marriage between her and Jared Fogle.

bigshowgirl.jpg

There’s only one other person that wears their outfits with one strap like that...

Enough said...

weirdal.jpg

This woman has no boobs, big glasses, and has lots of fun. It’s gotta suck to look so much like Weird Al Yankovic.

thenewguy.jpg

Anyone remember the nerdy kid from Road Trip???

schwimmer.jpg

Oh God. This is just too much. Of all the celebrities to look like...

schwimmerauto.jpg

I mean how does this girl feel looking at Ross from Friends in the mirror every morning? So no one told you life was gonna be this way? You’ve got the face of a dude, you might as well be gay. it’s like you’re still ugly after a lot of beer! And you’ll be ugly the next day, next month, and even all yeaaarrrr...

misterspock.jpg

Since when did looking like Mr. Spock become sexy? NEWS FLASH - IT HASN’T HAPPENED AND NEVER WILL!!!

sheissouthgeorgia.jpg

This one doesn’t live in Southern GA. SHE *IS* Southern Georgia. Man, if they ever make a live-action Mrs. Piggy movie, this would be their woman for the part. When you’re this fat, it’s not called dancing, honey, it’s called a stampede.

whatswiththatface.jpg

Man, what’s with the face? She’s cross eyed, got a square nose, a very scary smile (is it a smile?) and the only redeeming feature is her nice long blonde hair. She kind of looks like something very scary to me though, something terrifying:

brock1.jpg

Maybe looking like Ross from Friends isn’t so bad in comparison...

yourmom.jpg

Oh my God it’s somebody’s mother....

justahead.jpg

The rumor is to show your head and your head only is to draw attention away from the ugly rest of you. Unless this head is surgically attached to Shakira’s body the chances are that from the neck down this one’s a big gooey mess of cellulite...

teeth.jpg

This is every white trash male’s dream. I wonder how many years of having sex with cousins it took to get to this point. Nothing says ugly like a redneck draped in the rebel flag with a cowboy hat and teeth that would make any Orthodontist a wealthy, wealthy man.

taebomyass.jpg

Apparently she’s doing Tae Bo the WRONG way, or eating an entire turkey after every kick-punch. It’s amazing. Amazing that she can even perform Tae Bo, as one would think the law of gravity would work against her projecting her leg forward. I bet she smells like old ham and pig’s blood.

WAIT, we’re not done. You see. There were a few hot ones that managed to not be worth a damn thanks to personality, and there are still a few ugly ones mixed in there... I present to you - that’s right - the UBER-CHRISTIANS.

God says if you’re a girl, “close thine legs,” but if you’re a pre-pubescent boy “open thine asshole.”

God says if you’re a girl, “close thine legs,” but if you’re a pre-pubescent boy “open thine asshole.”

What could possibly be worse than ugly chicks? Ugly chicks looking for God. Then again, can you really blame them? If I was ugly as hell, I’d want to find God to, and I would be owed an explanation by Him. Anyway, what can be worse than ugly chicks looking for God? What about hot chicks looking for God? That’s such a waste because simply put it’s like putting a “SORRY WE’RE CLOSED” sign between your legs. Christianity is to horny young men what garlic is to vampires. Of course occasionally you find a girl that’s Christian and puts out on the premise that you break her beliefs in the sanctity of marriage, but that’s rare. (--Johnny Landin would later accomplish this feat some seven years after this article was posted)

Simply put some of these girls are ugly, and the rest of them are just fanatics who are missing out...

christian01.jpg

This is what I find sad. Full lips, cute nose, blue eyes, blonde hair, and the belief that ANYONE who drinks is a heathen. Damn it bitch, this is GEORGIA, home of Jake the Snake Roberts! Land of nothing but Wal-Marts! You know what I find hilarious? Close-minded chicks. Actually, wait, that’s PATHETIC and rather boring but whatever makes you a prude, right?

christian02.jpg

Why do you serve God when you look like the undead?

christian03.jpg

God apparently gave you sad clown hair. That’s how He has repaid you for your support.

christian04.jpg

The foreign ones that believe in God are always the easiest to break.

christian05.jpg

Cute, but fanatical...

christian06.jpg

No parties no alcohol, just a bunch of retarded young kids with behavior problems for this one. Just like the other chick above, this one also was repaid in sad clown hair.

christian07.jpg

More religious girls …and more sad clown hair. All I see is forehead.

christian08.jpg

You think if I dressed like Jesus Christ that Lizzy would serve her Lord by letting me put the dong in her? No? How about if I wrote the ten commandments on my dick? I bet this bitch watches 7th Heaven - A LOT.

christian09.jpg

That’d be great, bitch, but the light of God pouring in front the window has cast a shadow on your face and I can’t even see what you look like anyway.

christian10.jpg

Did God ever answer you back when you asked why you look like the Joker?

christian11.jpg

Damn, I thought gluttony was a sin.

christian12.jpg

She loves her church family, eh? I bet she loves pork, the other white meat even more. God has blessed you with the physique of the Stay Puft marshmallow Man.

christian13.jpg

Christian = Closed For Business on your vag. You don’t know what you’re missing. My penis performs miracles like Jesus does, too.

christian14.jpg

How about we meet and you forget this whole abstinence thing and learn another word that begins with "A" instead... ANAL?

christian15.jpg

Okay. I love God. God is good. I’ll make you scream his name with my 8 inches of power!

christian16.jpg

Eggplant Wizard from the Captain N cartoon?

christian17.jpg

God made this one look all red and meaty in the face. Her face kind of looks like Planet Mars.

christian18.jpg

I thought God said Lesbians go straight to hell???

christian19.jpg

With tits like that I want to vault my pole between her God-loving bosom.

christian20.jpg

Even if you weren’t “closed for business” no one would want it anyway.

 

Well, that’s enough playing on Hot or Not. Like I told you this article wasn’t really funny, just mean and cruel and my way of venting at the lack of attractive and/or worthwhile women in Georgia. If you’re one of them and you’re offended, GOOD. If you weren’t so ugly then I wouldn’t have had to write this, anyway. Great, after looking at all this, I won’t be able to get hard for a month.

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