A follow-up from the previous article, here is a conversation I had with the most grotesque woman ever to try to talk to me on Hot or Not back in 2002, a woman I've named only "Lumpy."
“Transcending History and the World, a Tale of Soul and Swords, Eternally Retold...” --Soul Edge, NAMCO Fighting Game, 1997.
“Transcending Ugly and the Unwashed, a Tale of a Hot or Not Nightmares, eternally unsightly...” --Jason Rivera, 2002.
And with this quote, I begin my tale. It’s been a while since we had a classic, good old fashioned Interview here on jasonrivera.com, and what better way to start it than with what I am sure will be a hideous urban legend... You see, not long ago, I decided to post my picture, and search for people on an “attractiveness ranking” site known as Hot or Not, and what I found was that Georgia has some really f--king ugly girls. Regardless, I left my Hot or Not profile, up where I scored a nice, 9.4 rating and became The New Hotness Jason Rivera.
Along with rechristening myself the New Hotness, I got tons of e-mail, double matches, and chat requests, and they were always cute and nice girls. Then one day I got this e-mail that said SOMEONE WANTS TO MEET ME. Clicking on the hyperlink brought me to...
“That’s just something that makes my penis want to die.” -Clint Gorman, a friend, reader of the old site, and regular in the GameFan Chat Room.
I could not agree with Clint more. Look at the lumps on the face, the lack of a figure, and the Popeye slant of the head. This is by far the worst thing to happen to a man’s sex drive since Rosie O’ Donnel wore leather lingerie in Exit to Eden. I will tell you right now, that “Lumpy” (not her real name, but a nickname I use due to the amount of unsightly LUMPS on her face), is a great picture to use for dieting. Whoever beat the f--k out of her face deserves some serious jail time, and if God made her this way, then SHAME ON YOU, GOD!
Okay, in all honesty, true beauty is on the inside, a great moral from a great movie entitled “Shallow Hal.” However, that is fiction. This face is grim reality (or grim death; you choose), and therefore I will attempt to make contact with the alien life form, to see if perhaps and maybe there’s a nice personality underneath the veil of an ugly, puke-like face.... BEHOLD...
The Interview With “Lumpy”
Riv: You’re the girl from Hot or Not right? Do you have any more pics?
Riv: You look like the sun... or something is in your eye.
lumpy: No my friend was taking it and I wasn’t ready.
Riv: Oh really? That sucks, I know how caught at the wrong moment can be. Well actually, no I don’t. Continue.
lumpy: here is a another pic...
Riv: Wow, what a big... gap (in her tooth) - I mean coat.
Riv: Oh the coat. I thought it was a Gap coat, you know from the Gap, or something. Yeah. So where are you from?
lumpy: Missouri, you?
Riv: Atlanta. So do you have a boyfriend?
lumpy: No, you?
Riv: No, I don’t like men. I have a girl I’m on and off with. She’s cute, but not as lumpy as you are.
Riv: You know, well-endowned, like (O)(O) <--That’s what I mean by lumpy. I use strange words sometimes, so don’t mind me.
Riv: I use lots of weird words. So how big are your funbags?
lumpy: 34c. How big is your dick?
Riv: I measure it all the time; twice a day if I’m bored. It’s a whopping eight inches and named it Pinocchio.
lumpy: Yeah right, then let me see.
Riv: Sorry, Pinocchio has been very honest today. I’m going to ask you the hard-hitting question; are you a virgin?
lumpy: No, I live in an Army base. so I come across quite a few men...
Riv: What have you done with them? Have they seen your big 34 C lumps?
lumpy: They’ve seen more than that. Let’s just say they know when to salute.
Riv: Curious, since you’re in an Army base have you ever killed a man?
lumpy: I’m not in the Army!!!
Riv: Ahh. I see. So you’ve never wanted to Charles Bronson kill a motherf—ker?
lumpy: No, never!
Riv: Ever been banged by more than one guy at the same time?
Riv: Sorry, if I ask a lot of questions, I learned on a farm cult commune in North Carolina to QUESTION EVERYTHING.
Riv: Anyway, so you wouldn’t let anyone run a train on you, not even if it was the combination of Vigo the Carpathian and Otho from Beetlejuice?
lumpy: Well, maybe for them.
Riv: Yeah, Vigo was a stud back in the 1600s, something about killing babies seemed like erotica.
Riv: Anyway, do you mind if I call you Lumpy?
lumpy: I don’t mind ^_^
Riv: Cool, thanks, I won’t hesitate to call you Lumpy from now on. LUMPY is who you are.
Riv: So curious, do you know how many licks it takes to get to the centre of a Tootsie Pop?
lumpy: Yeah, one then you bite it.
Riv: Good answer, but it’s not the secret of life, so shut up now.
Riv: Have you ever had a lesbian experience?
lumpy: Yeah, I don’t have three tongue rings for nothing!!!
Riv: Hmm do you prefer feminine women, or big nasty Rosie o Donnell-esque dykes?
lumpy: Feminine and blond.
Riv: Would you do Madonna?
Riv: Are you worried your head would get sucked into her vacuous clitoris?
lumpy: She’s too old.
Riv: Do you find Grimace sexy - you know the purple guy from the McDonalds commercials?
lumpy: No, he’s a fat slob. Do you get off on Birdie?
Riv: Ever had sex with a midget?
lumpy: Hell no!!!
Riv: Really? Because in your second picture there’s a midget staring at your ass.
lumpy: That’s my cousin. He’s 10.
Riv: Does he always stare at your ass?
lumpy: He was trying to duck.
Riv: From what? Gunfire???
lumpy: Shortest was 7’8!
lumpy: my bad
Riv: 7’8? You f--ked Andre the Giant? Did he tear ass???
Five minutes later... Andre has torn 6,000 more asses in Heaven, and...
Riv: And you still haven’t told me about if Andre the Giant tore your ass into oblivion or not!!!
Riv: Curious, do you have a unibrow? It looks that way in picture 3.
lumpy: No, it just looks that way.
Riv: Oh okay, because it kinda makes you look like Wario.
Riv: Evil plumber from the Mario games. Ugh! No one ever knows anything around this f--king place! It’s like I strive and I strive and no one knows, and it’s not fair. WARIO would be very sad if he knew this.
Riv: What nationality are you - you look rather... unique...
Riv: Indian or Native American?
lumpy: Native American.
Riv: Cool, cool. You kinda remind me of a totem pole, anyway. (yeah, the ugly head part at least.)
lumpy: How about you?
Riv: I am Latino. LATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNOO HEAAAAAT!
lumpy: My sister’s boyfriend is Latino....
Riv: Really? Does he have a mullet?
lumpy: Not quite... He is shaved and he is in the Army...
Riv: Ahh, is his head shaped like a Mason Jar?
lumpy: How’d you know?
Riv: I’m that damn good, or something like that.
Riv: Do you chew tobacco? You look like a tobacco-chewing type of gal.
lumpy: No, I don’t chew or smoke.
Riv:Okay, good, that might give you cancer which would first appear in the form of a lump or two.
lumpy: What are you trying to say???
Riv: Well, you have lumps and you have to watch out, Lumpy! Now for A WORD ABOUT NUTRITION...
lumpy: Thanks I think.
Riv: If Robocop had a penis, would you let him bang you?
lumpy: Robocop? HELL NO!!!
Riv: Why not? He might be part man, but he’s also part machine and ALL COP. If I looked like Robocop I’d get lots of chicks, but he doesn’t have a penis, and he eats baby food so I can see how meeting people might be difficult.
lumpy: I hate cops!!!
Riv: Why do you hate COPS? Is it because they took Dr. Badvibes away???
lumpy: No, I used to date one. They are all corrupt.
Riv: Have they ever handcuffed and tried to sell you???
lumpy: No, never been sold.
Riv: Really? Wow. So, the British never got your parents drunk to get them to sell you for 2 dollars and some hide? Oh, wait that was Manhattan. Sorry.
lumpy: That’s ok.
Riv: Quick change of subject. Do you like pastry?
lumpy: Pastry, as in donuts?
Riv: Yeah, like donuts, cakes, strudel, all those baked goods.
Riv: Yeah, but the reason I ask is because I know this place that has a fantastic reputation.
Would you ever eat at a place called TenDicks Bakery?
lumpy: Not to my recollection...
Riv: What if it was the bestest bakery in town, and in all of America and the entire free world?
lumpy: Sure, if it was the best one in town, then why not???
Riv: What if you had to suck ten dicks for the food? But it was the greatest food ever. Would you still do it? I mean they don’t call the place Tendicks for nothing.
lumpy: No way!!!
Riv: Even if they were all cleaned and washed large penises all belonging to strong Greek god naked men statue-type guys?
lumpy: Even then, no chance.
Riv: Would you f--k a Greek God?
lumpy: Depends, which one?
Riv: Why not? Either way, Zeus will f--k you before you f--k him. He’s pimp like that. What about Vigo, if Otho WASN’T in the same room, just Vigo by himself?
lumpy: The guy from Ghostbusters?
Riv: Yes, the baby-killing Carpathian from Ghostbusters II whom I mentioned earlier.
lumpy: No, he’s creepy.
Riv: Okay, I’m going to question your knowledge now - What is a Nubian?
lumpy: Hey, I have to go. Will you be on later?
Riv: Yeah, but do you know what a Nubian is???
Riv: ANSWER THE F--KING QUESTION, LUMPY!!!!!
Riv: If you don’t tell me what a Nubian is I’m liable to give you some more lumps.
lumpy: No, I don’t know.
Riv: Damn, no one knows.
lumpy: What is it???
Riv: I don’t know, that’s why I was asking you, I think it’s some kind of black person. But would you let a Nubian sleep cock to ass with you?
lumpy: No! You’re sick!!!
Riv: Ever had a cock in the ass?
lumpy: I have to go! BYE!
Riv: Hey WAIT DON’T GO! I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION!!!
Riv: How many lumps do you take in your coffee, one lump or two?
Riv: Why do you look like Popeye?!??!!
Riv: TELL ME!!!
Riv: Did they beat you in the face with a crowbar???
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There you have it. Not only was she ugly on the outside, but she was an Army slut on the inside as well, with a lumpy face, and unwilling to take it from anybody who was a major star in the ‘80s, whether it was Vigo, Otho, or Robo. I think I’ll end this article the way it started with some Soul Edge wisdom.
“The Legend will never die.” --Soul Edge, NAMCO Fighting Game, 1997.
“A penis that sees an ugly chick will ALWAYS die.” --Jason Rivera, 2002.