Here’s an article from the old days that’s really going to show my age – in this article, written in 2002, I go looking for some #BaseBallCards (that’s Asked with Riv & Landin speak for “Nudes”) on a little chat program that was popular BEFORE the prime of AOL Instant Messenger (which is now also near-obsolete) called “ICQ.” Check out the antics below.
As we come closer to Valentine’s Day 2002, love is in the air, and also on the Internet. ICQ has a nice little feature that makes you available for Random Chat, where you find random ICQ users and message them to start an everlasting friendship... Or something else... I decided to crank up ICQ and see what I can find lurking on the Internet, knowing full well if a woman is “lurking” on the Internet then she probably happens to be very scary.
Although I can take the honest approach to who I am and see what kinds of wonderful women will message me and send me fake pictures of them or in some cases I like to think of them as the “before” picture, as girls typically don’t waste that much time on the Internet unless they lack legs. So I decided I’d have a bit of fun and maybe put it bluntly:
Perhaps this would make more girls seem interested in me, combined with ICQ’s really gay smiling yellow face, which they use to signify “Free For Chat:”
After 20 minutes of not getting responses from women, I thought maybe I should be a little honest and a little explicit both at the same time, and wrote revised ICQ details:
I’m well certain that a mammoth penis might entice girls to message me more, but I also got tired of playing the waiting game to see what happens. Using the FIND RANDOM USER button I found my first target...
Sounds decent enough... I decided to message Tanis...
Jason Rivera: Hi tanis, whats up?
TANIS: hi not much
Jason Rivera: Me neither, bored to death here... age/sex/location?
TANIS: 20 f Canada
Jason Rivera: Cool, 21 male from the USA. Got any pictures?
Jason Rivera: Can I see what you look like? I, too have a picture.
So, Tanis finds her picture... I decide to look at it, and hope to see something matching my vision. Instead, I got this:
Terrified of a woman who could presumably pass at Batman’s Robin, I knew now that furthering the conversation would be pointless. I have to somehow get out of this by totally freaking her out. I decided not to send her my own picture, and instead used former jasonrivera.com contributor, DH2, dressed like a Ninja.
Jason Rivera: That’s me. Remember. There is no knowledge that is not power... Mwahahahahaha. OUTSTANDING!
TANIS: what was that?
Jason Rivera: That’s me. I am one of Earth’s chosen to defend your world against Goro. If he wins ten consecutive tournaments all is lost... By the way I saw your picture... you look... ... ... BRUTALITY!!!
TANIS: That’s not fair I can’t even see u.
Jason Rivera: I don’t have a face under the mask. The Lin Kuei ripped my face off and stabbed my family in the heart. Now I have only a burning skeleton head. So when do we start the whole cyber thing?
TANIS: ‘scuse me?
Jason Rivera: Oh you must have me mistaken. I am here to f--k. More wine?
Jason Rivera: So what are you wearing? Do you have any panties?
--TANIS HAS GONE OFFLINE---
So far the score is ugly net monsters 1, Riv 0. I decide to continue and hope to find someone else worth chatting with. I decide to message a few more people.
J. Jonah Jameson Interracial Pissing, done right (inside-joke and fun-fact - jasonrivera.com was the one and only site to appear in Google if you searched for J. Jonah Jameson Interracial Pissing). No response.
Finally I tried the zany approach... In desperation I used RAIL RACER!!!
Jason Rivera: Heya. Age/Sex/Loc? Got any pics?
VICKY: 24/f/univ student (that’s not a location)
Jason Rivera: ageless/male/protector of children. Have you any pics?
VICKY: yes. where are you from?
Jason Rivera: I am from a place called Cybertron. For everlasting peace woman, may I see your picture?
VICKY: Where is Cybertron?
Jason Rivera: I... can’t tell you, but I’m in the United States right now! SUPER TURBO PUNCH!!!
Now, Vicky sends me her picture, which turns out to be a fairly decent webcam picture of an Asian girl. I think to myself that this might go somewhere good. Webcams can be fun... However things get a little boring.
Jason Rivera: Is this from a webcam? You’re very pretty.
Jason Rivera: You have a webcam?
Jason Rivera: Can we cam?
VICKY: I don’t have but i can send other pic
Now I’m just a bit scared. Apparently this woman has nothing better to do but to take pictures next to random feminine products and then send them to me. This woman is about as disturbing as Avon and Mary Kay parties... At least jasonrivera.com doesn’t host articles ABOUT Mary Kay parties. Sometimes ignorance is simply bliss.
Jason Rivera: Are any of your pics naughty?
Jason Rivera: Is that a yes?
VICKY: What do you do?
Jason Rivera: Don’t try to patronize me by changing the subject, product woman! I fight!
I fight for the children.
I fight for freedom.
And for peace, everlasting... For Optimus Prime and the good of the Autobots...BULLET FUSION MODE, COMBINE - RAIL RACER!!!
VICKY: sorry i have to go now have to study seeya later have a good day.
Jason Rivera: RAIL RACER!!!!
With Vicky apparently fearing my Super Turbo punch and not fond of fighting for the children who are our future, I had to find someone else on ICQ...
Aya Brea... From Parasite Eve? I wonder if she looks any good? After a boring conversation with Aya Brea I got some pics out of her.
Unfortunately he conversation had all the interest of a Dean Malenko Vs. Scotty 2 Hotty match on Jakked, so I decided to continue further...
It’s always fun to be a smart ass.
Especially when this is what you get back...
After a while, I realized something.... There are no such thing as hot women on the Internet (in 2002), and if there are, they either work for porn sites or have some sort of mental imbalance. In other words, this Valentines Day, please, go out, find some chicks that just broke up with their jock boyfriends, and have some fun, because sitting here and looking for chicks that are entertaining is a thing that does not happen. There are no happy endings on the Internet unless... you look like this...