This guy died. Everyone thought he was Frank WWE Clown. I am pleased to report Frank the Clown is very much still alive. We wouldn’t be able to do the Asked Awards without him. Anyway it's time for the show. Unfortunately for some reason Betty White is hosting RAW. Was Mae Young not avail—oh yeah, I forgot she died.
I don’t get the fascination with Betty White that everyone on earth seems to have. She’s an old lady. I had two. Now I have one. They’re called Grandmas. She says she’s going to kick some ass tonight. I’m pretty sure The Big Show is to Betty what Mark Henry was to Mae which means he’s going to impregnate her and she will give birth to a hand. This is interrupted by the Authority.
I wish HHH would pedigree Betty White on the ramp for heel heat but it was basically Hunter and Steph’s way of saying “okay, get the f--- outta here, we have thirty minutes of promo to do!” The Authority discuss the idea of replacing Orton with Daniel Bryan as the face of the company but make sure to remind us they said they’d only CONSIDER it and that John Cena, Sheamus, Christian, etc. are all possible as well as they are all Orton’s other Elimination Chamber opponents.
Randy Orton interrupts the Authority again and Stephanie McMahon once again scolds Randy Orton like he is a retarded child with a comprehension problem. Orton says he realizes he was wrong and he has in fact been acting like a petulant child and while Stephanie does not trust him, it is coming from the heart and he tries to run down memory lane about how they all used to be a big happy faggy family.
Daniel Bryan decides to interject here. This is kind of all over the place – we started with Betty White and the Big Show, got Stephanie McMahon and Hunter, then Orton, and now Daniel Bryan. The crowd is alive and awake for Daniel Bryan and they hang on every word he says. He implies Randy Orton is the ass of the WWE – implies it – not says it because this is PG. Stephanie McMahon says she does not appreciation anyone interrupting them and from now on regardless of it is Bryan or Orton they have to make an appointment with the Director of Operations, Kane. Bryan says that’s exactly why he is out here and he has a problem with his former tag team partner, the Director of Operations. He said Kane was unsuccessful in his attempts to thwart Bryan so last week Bryan defeated Randy Orton regardless. Daniel Bryan also adds he does not want an appointment with Kane – he wants a match against Kane. Stephanie lectures Daniel Bryan for being the first one to strike Kane and furthermore Kane is not here because he has been reprimanded with a nasty letter and told to take the night off. Bryan now asks if anyone is doing Stephanie’s performance approval. I’m pretty sure that’s Vince when he watches his daughter and son in law have intercourse. Randy basically says that Daniel Bryan has to respect Stephanie and Bryan adds that he thinks Orton has something for Stephanie because of the time he handcuffed HHH and kissed Stephanie in the middle of the ring. HHH says that tonight Daniel Bryan has the night off much to the dismay of the crowd, citing that this is what is “best for business.”
Mark Henry will be back tonight, looking like Grimace from McDonalds. Also we get to watch John Cena vs. Randy Orton for the 8000th time.
The Rhodes Brothers and Rey Mysterio will take on the Wyatts. Other than the Wyatt’s feud with the Shield I don’t care at all. Rey is pretty much worthless now and Goldust and Cody Rhodes are floating around in limbo because WWE has no idea what to do with either of them. The bad thing about having only a couple of 3-man groups is that as a result you have them always fighting groups of “3 random turds put together,” and as much as I hate to call Cody Rhodes a turd, I’ve forgotten how great of a mic worker he is due to the lack of time on it he gets. Goldust is no slouch either. Where the hell is their feud? I’m pretty sure if you were going to split and feud a team that Cody and Goldust would give you more bang for the buck than Brodus vs. Tensai or Titus vs. Darren Young.
We cut to commercials and the Bella Twins tells us they won’t stand for bullying which is hilarious because when they are heel they are the two biggest bitches on the roster. I wonder who bullied them into dressing like old women for this segment. I decide that it’s time to take a huge dump and when I come back hopefully something happens that remotely matters to me. I come back and this is still going on so I decide that I would rather play dailies in World of Warcraft than look at Rey Mysterio in his Lakers Urine-Yellow colors flying around doing 619s everywhere. I miss when Rey wasn’t a one-trick, one-kneed pony. They probably should have done what they do with horses when Rey’s knee got bad and taken him out behind the arena and had him shot then eaten the remains. Bray Wyatt manages to hit Sister Abigail WHILE Rey is running towards Harper for a 619 to put him down for the victory.
Bray Wyatt talks about how the Shield are nothing but toy soldiers playing the part in a war that isn’t meant for them which means that they will fall right in time for Bray’s next game to begin – alluding to another opponent he has his sights on (SPOILER: It’s John Cena). We come back and are shown Roman Reigns eliminating 12 people in the Royal Rumble, breaking Kane’s record of eliminations.
Renee Young interviews the Shield. The Shield vows to absolutely destroy the Wyatt Family. Young adds that Dean Ambrose has not defended his US title in a long time. Ambrose acts like nobody wants to challenge him. Reigns asks Ambrose why he’s making excuses. Ambrose says he isn’t and so he’ll issue an open challenge to anyone who wants to take the belt. This is setting up a predictable “Roman Reigns accepts the challenge” segment.
Betty White is getting ogled by the Total Divas who are happy the have a replacement old lady for Mae. This is a giant segment hyping Betty’s show.
The New Age Outlaws show up and try to spit game to Betty White. They leave with her which means they’re gonna do DP. The Outlaws have fallen on hard times. I guess they’ll take what they can get.
The Real Americans vs. a Canadian and an Irishman is coming up. Prepare for Vintage Zeb Colter Racism.
Wow, talk about a quick way to make sure Emma NEVER gets over. Stick her with Santino where they will fight Fandango and Summer about 87 times before someone gets fired or demoted. This is one of those matches where nobody watching cares and the commentators decide to talk about nothing important.
The Miz is out here complaining again about how he isn't being used right which is supposedly WWE’s take on mocking CM Punk’s disdain for the WWE product. Miz hasn’t thrown a good insult since 2007 when Morrison was still around. This product is so PG he sounds like he’s reading from one of “Big Book of Insults” books you used to order from the Schoolastic Book Club in 3rd grade – you know, the ones filled with “Your Mom” jokes. Oh and Fandango beat Santino and not a single f--- was given.
Bryon Saxton has finally been called up to the main roster. Michael Cole acts like Saxton wasn’t already a commentator on ECW. He’s interviewing Sheamus about his tag team match teaming up with Christian against the Real Americans. Sheamus tries to make a joke about an Irishman and a Canadian walking into a bar on Hollywood Boulevard before briefly discussing the Elimination Chamber and his vow to win.
Why does Christian look like a meth addict in this promo?
Zeb has no signs which means he has a microphone which means we’re in business. Zeb says that these two non-Americans make him sick. He says that both of them disappeared for months into their home countries and snuck back across our borders into this country and are being rewarded for such criminal behavior. Cesaro says that at the Chamber he will become the first Real American WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Swagger looks sorrowful as this happens. Standard-fare tag match. Nothing special. It’s of note that the audience is more behind Cesaro than they are Swagger or Christian with constant, repeated WE THE PEOPLE chants. Sheamus eventually kills Jack Swagger with the Brogue Kick so that we can continue to try to make Jack Swagger a sympathetic babyface. That’s not going to work.
A John Cena promo comes up so we can have him hype the Network as well as name-drop Daniel Bryan and put over the future has to go through John Cena to get the title. Yawn. Nothing of value was said. Speaking of no value...
Here is Dolph Ziggler to do nothing of relevance.
Alberto Del Rio has arrived on RAW to job Dolph Ziggler out and call Batista a PERRO about 30 times in a row. The only thing anyone cares about is the crappy remix of Del Rio’s theme is finally gone. Del Rio kills Ziggler in about 1/4th the time it took to take the title from him like 9-10 months ago and he executes the Show Off with a kick to the head. Alberto Del Rio locks the cross armbreaker in after the match much to the dismay of all of Dolph Ziggler’s horny female nerd fans. If Ziggler were black, Del Rio/Ziggler would be the Trayvon Martin Case of wrestling. Batista makes the save and begins destroying Del Rio.
What is the point of this stupid feud again?
Backstage, HHH warns Batista not to kill talent even if it IS Alberto Del Rio. HHH says they are publicly traded as a company now and Hunter just wants to fit Batista into what is best for business. Hunter makes the match with Del Rio official for the Elimination Chamber.
Lita is announced as the next WWE Hall of Famer. I wonder if AJ will induct her so we have that awkward “I’m banging your ex-boyfriend” moment. After Lita being announced we cut to the New Age Outlaws and Betty White backstage.
They are trying to roofie Betty White. This is deplorable. She pretends she needs a lemon and both of them turn their backs to go get one. Betty White switches the drinks.
Meanwhile Rybaxel… for when you are feeling irregular. Does this team even have fans? The Outlaws are giving guest commentary. It appears that Gunn has not fallen asleep yet. The Usos are on the way to the ring. Billy Gunn is squirming which means he’s going to crap his pants at any second. It appears the Usos are the #1 contenders for the tag championships. Please hurry up and get rid of Rybaxel so we can move on to new business. Meanwhile I sit here hoping Billy Gunn pulls a Titus O’Neil – and no I don’t mean showing us his penis; I mean instead of hurling into JBL’s hat like Titus did, he should take a dump in it.
Dean Ambrose is waiting for his challenge and it ends up being Mark Henry. This is actually disappointing. Reigns would have actually been interesting. Betty White would have been more interesting than Mark Henry. Shield Stalker trying to get a photo would be more interesting than Mark Henry. I sort of tune out mentally because Mark Henry doesn’t seem like the type of guy who’d interest me in a US title match with Ambrose. Ambrose should fight and/or lose the belt to someone he can have a four-star with and that is not Mark Henry’s Noob Saibot looking-ass. I don’t know what happened because I went to the bathroom and missed it. I really don’t care either. I just know the US belt is still with the Shield.
\The Wyatts interrupt and the two teams have an epic staredown. Reigns is ready to fight but the remainder of the Wyatt family makes their retreat, laughing. Afterwards, we have a tribute to Bobo Brazil because WWE needs to find the few black guys in history they didn’t turn into racist caricature to honor for Black History Month.
Hoes. I came. I really don’t care that much for The Bellas and Cameron vs. Aksana, Alicia, and AJ. Triple A will probably lose because they are not “Total Divas” which is the story of women’s wrestling in the WWE and has been since last summer. Cameron wins for her team with the “Girl Bye” finisher, because Naomi is out injured. Eva Marie is here too, apparently. I didn’t notice which is proof "all red everything" is not very effective if you're just not interesting. I'd still smash any of these girls in bed, though, which I point out on Twitter as guys act like Cameron is horrible. If Cameron were in your bed with her legs open ready to go the last thing you'd think about is "work rate." If you honestly would turn down the poon because a girl is a "bad worker" you take wrestling too seriously and deserve never to get laid.
Lana and Rusev cut a promo. Screw Rusev. He sucks. I don’t get why everyone is fascinated with Lana. She seems dull. I wouldn’t say no to banging it but she’s nothing that stands out to me. We come back to Kane making his way to the ring despite the Authority claiming he had the night off. Kane comes out here to apologize textbook-style. His apology is interrupted by Daniel Bryan who begins kicking away at Kane. Kane begins to remove his tie and jacket and goes for the chokeslam on Daniel Bryan who escapes and sends Kane outside then hits a suicide dive to Kane outside. The brawl ensues but Daniel Bryan dropkicks Kane over the security wall and begins hyping up the crowd further. John Cena vs. Randy Orton is up next. And I could not care less.
More Betty White backstage before our main event. She says nothing relevant. Isn't it past her bed time? Old people belong in bed by like 9 PM. Then again I'd rather her talk for 15 minute minutes than endure another John Cena vs. Randy Orton bout. See you later. Oh and CENA WINS LOL.