Recap: TNA Impact (January 30, 2014 & February 6, 2014)

It’s a “new beginning” for TNA. The old faces are gone, and the new faces are in. There is a new investor, and we’re live-ish in Glasgow, Scotland. I don’t want to get my hopes up, because TNA has let me down so many times before. It’s probably Chuck Norris, or that guy who played M. Bison in the Street Fighter movie. Actually, that would be awesome. Great, now my hopes are high anyway. Let’s just do this.

We start with Tenay using his somber voice to talk about Sting being gone. We cut to the backstage area, where Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle are trying to fight Ethan Carter III, Rockstar Spud, and Magnus. Those three come out to the ring, and the arena they are in is packed.

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I have never seen a TNA show with so many people. Magnus is getting huge heat from the Scots. Magnus says that some people are mad that their friends are being put out. He says that Sting had a good run, just like Jeff Hardy and AJ Styles, but things change. Magnus says that Dixie Carter was just thinning the herd. They were clearing space for the new faces of the company. (He left EC3 out of that list of people.) Magnus says that he single-handedly eliminated those three old bastards from the company. EC3 grabs a mic and questions that. They start to argue before Angle and Joe come out.

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Angle says that they’re out to avenge the “screwing of the herd.” Kurt is slurring his words. Did he fall off the wagon again? Anyway, he says that he regrets letting Magnus into the Main Event Mafia. Magnus says that the only thing that is killing them is that he is the World Champion, and they’re not. Joe wants a fight. Magnus suggests a tag match, Joe and Angle vs. EC3 and Magnus. The crowd chants “Ethan, Ethan.” Magnus agrees, but adds the stipulation that if they lose, both of them are gone. Joe one-ups him, and says if they win, whoever scores the fall gets a title shot. Magnus says it’s on.

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Dixie Carter comes out and says that the match isn’t happening. She tells Magnus that she doesn’t want to risk him losing the title with the new investor showing up. Magnus says that the match is on.

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There is a black van outside and the investor is supposed to be in there. After a commercial, the van opens up, but the American Wolves come out and say that whoever wants to talk to the investor has to go through them.

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In the arena, Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky come out for a tag team match against Gail Kim and Lei’d Tapa. The heels attack Madison and Velvet before Velvet could shake her ass, so my interest level has significantly lowered. Velvet and Madison win quickly, before Chris Sabin comes out. He yells at Velvet about her not being a good girlfriend. He wants Velvet to apologize to him. Velvet has one thing to say to Sabin: They’re done.

Backstage, Samoa Joe and Angle are walking around saying that they won’t be screwed like everybody else. They go outside and attack Bobby Roode. I guess it’s so he can’t cost them their match like he cost the rest of them their matches.

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After the break, Joe and Angle are still backstage with Roode. Joe chokes out Roode and says that he will end Bobby Roode.

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Cowboy James Storm comes out. He’s still mad about Gunner having the World Title briefcase. He calls out Gunner. No. It’s been a good Impact so far. Gunner comes out. Damn it. He talks about stuff. Storm rambles, but eventually says that he should have had Gunner’s back, and from now on, he will. Bad Influence come out, and challenge them to a match. Daniels says that if Gunner really trusts Storm, he’ll put the World Title briefcase on the line and whoever gets the pin gets the briefcase. Storm and Gunner start fighting, and the match is on.

Bad Influence stay in control until Daniels goes for a pedigree, Gunner reverses it, and tags in Storm. Storm goes for the Eye of the Storm, but Kaz tags in and springboard dropkicks Storm. Gunner tags Storm and takes Kaz down. Gunner heads to the top rope, Daniels goes to interfere but gets superkicked for his troubles. Flying Headbutt, 1, 2, 3. Storm and Gunner win, and Gunner keeps his case.

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Backstage, Dixie wants Spud to find out who the investor is, and she wants him to do it ASAP. That should work out. As the old saying goes, if you want something done, send your 100-pound British man-servant to do it.

After a commercial, we get a career retrospective on Samoa Joe. I really enjoy the re-building of Samoa Joe into a badass. Backstage, Dixie Carter is whining to her attorneys when Bobby Roode walks in. He tells Dixie that he wants a World Title match in the main event of Lockdown for taking out AJ Styles and Sting. Dixie can’t give him that, so Roode says he’ll give her one week to figure everything out.

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Eric Young is talking to ODB about his tag title shot with Abyss. ODB tells Eric to be careful. Abyss walks up, and when Eric asks if he’s ready, he holds up a bag of (I’m guessing) thumbtacks.

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Elsewhere, Rockstar Spud says he is going to interrogate the Wolves to find out who the investor is. After a commercial, Rockstar Spud does exactly what he said he would, and calls out the Wolves. They come out, and Spud shines a flashlight in their eyes and interrogates them.

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The Wolves don’t tell him, and Spud gets all angry. It’s adorable, actually. He slaps Davey in the face, and the Wolves attack him. Eddie tells Spud that Dixie will find out who the investor is when everyone else does. He also says that if anyone gets involved in the main event tonight, they will be fired.

We get a video package recapping the Abyss/Joseph Park storyline, and it brings us the World Tag Team Title match, The Bromans defend against Eric Young and Abyss.

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The match goes on until Abyss grabs the referee and gives him the Shock Treatment backbreaker. He then gives EY a chokeslam, and leaves him lying in the ring. EY grabs a mic and says that there is only one experiment left to do. He challenges Abyss to a Monster’s Ball match. That should be really fun. Outside, the Wolves are still hiding the investor. Bully Ray is rolling a casket to the ring as we go to commercial. Oh god, not a casket match.

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Earlier this week, Sam Shaw is with Christy Hemme in his house. He steals some of her hair.

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We go to a different room of the house, and we see that he has a shrine of Christy Hemme. I was afraid this gimmick was losing steam, but holy crap I’m balls-deep into this angle. Let’s get weird, indeed.

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Bully Ray wheels that casket to the ring. He says that Ken Anderson took everything from him, his club, his title, and his life. He can’t get Anderson out of his life. He challenges Anderson to one final match, a casket match. Anderson comes out. Anderson says that he is tired of hearing Bully Ray talk, and he’s gonna do everyone a favor and shut him up. They start fighting, and Bully leaves before Anderson can crack him over the head with a chair.

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We get a promo for Kurt Angle, hyping him to be a cyborg. If you want to compare him to a robot, compare him to Bender from Futurama. They drink the same amount of booze.

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Backstage, Magnus and EC3 talk. Magnus is crapping on EC3, calling him a green rookie, and a spoiled rich kid with the right last name. EC3 goes to fire back, but Dixie comes in and tell them that they have to take out Samoa Joe and Angle. Dixie tells EC3 not to let them down, and walks out with Magnus.

After a commercial, it’s main event time, Magnus and EC3 vs. Samoa Joe and Magnus. The match picks up when Joe puts an armbar on Magnus, but EC3 breaks it up. Angle drags EC3 out of the ring, and gives him a German Suplex on the outside. Joe puts Magnus in the Coconut Clutch, and Magnus taps out. Samoa Joe is the new #1 contender, and I am really happy that Joe is getting the title shot. Joe grabs a mic, and tells Magnus to shine his belt up for him. Angle says that it is nights like these that make all the pains go away. He says that Kurt Angle is back, and he believes that he has earned the right to go into the Hall of Fame. Dixie wants to know who the new investor is right now. The lights go out, and it is…

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MVP. Alright. I don’t hate it. Impact goes off the air with MVP and the Wolves standing tall on the ramp.

I really liked Impact this week. The crowd made this show great more than anything. Storylines progressed, nothing really atrocious happened, and it didn’t feel like a waste of my time. That’s all wrestling has to be. Not a waste of time. I believe that next week’s show will be from Glasgow as well, so that should be good too. See you then.

This is the second week of tapings from Scotland, and MVP will make his first comments as the new investor of TNA. Also, Abyss and Eric Young will face off in a Monster’s Ball match, so let’s get started.

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We start with Eric Young and Abyss brawling backstage, then out to the stage. A ref rings the bell, and we start Impact with a match for once. Eric goes to rip his mask off, but Abyss slams his head into the ring apron. Whenever EY tries to get some offense, Abyss just powers him down. Abyss throws Eric head-first into a chair, then chokeslams him, but it only gets a 2-count.

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Abyss grabs his black bag from under the ring, and dumps out a bunch of tacks. Abyss tries to superplex EY onto the tacks, but Eric reverses it into a sunset flip powerbomb onto the tacks. EY spits tacks onto Abyss, and goes to the top rope, but Abyss knocks him from the top rope through a table on the outside.

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Abyss pulls out Janice, the big, spiky board, and goes to hit Eric with it, but Eric unmasks him. Doesn’t matter, he hits a Black Hole Slam for the win. Afterwards, he sees he doesn’t have the mask on, and he’s starting to realize that Joseph Park is Abyss.

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Dixie Carter is backstage, and Bobby Roode walks in. He has a contract for a World Title match at Lockdown. Dixie won’t sign it because he didn’t win his last match. Dixie books Roode vs. Joe so nobody can question his title shot. Roode says that screwing him around will come back to bite her.

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The new investor MVP is out. I don’t know why a fan had that sign to begin with. He says that people have forgotten that actions have consequences. He says that he’s tired of owners not listening to their fans. He invested in TNA because he was tired of the fans being disregarded. He says that TNA has been mismanaged, and that he’s gonna change that.

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Rockstar Spud interrupts him. He says that Dixie wants to meet MVP face to face. MVP wants Spud to tell Dixie that he has booked a non-title match for tonight, Magnus vs. Kurt Angle.

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Bully Ray is outside. He quotes Coolio. We’re done here. He says that the next person he sees will go into the coffin. Also, Kurt Angle will be going into the Hall of Fame in three weeks from London.

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Chris Sabin is somewhere, and he says that Velvet Sky is worth fighting for. He invited her to wherever he is to ask her something very special.

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KONICHIWA! I love Curry Man! Unfortunately, he’s wrestling Bully Ray. There’s no ref, so I guess this isn’t a match. Piledriver, and Bully dumps Curry Man into the coffin. He keeps screaming “ANDERSON” like he’s finishing on a woman. Backstage, Magnus argues with Dixie about his match tonight, but Dixie makes him do it. Then, EC3 walks in and says that he has something he wants to talk with his Aunt D about, but Dixie blows him off.

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The new X Division Champ, Austin Aries comes out. He talks about how the man makes the title, and not vice versa. He continues to talk until the Bromans come out. Zema Ion comes from the crowd and hits Aries with his Feast or Fired Briefcase. He’s cashing it in. Ion stays in control, but he misses a Moonsault, which allows Aries to hit a brainbuster and retain the title. Cool. Backstage, Dixie and Spud prepare to meet with MVP.

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We get a recap of Sam Shaw’s rape dungeon from last week. Backstage, Christy Hemme does the smartest thing she may have ever done and dumps him.

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That is the face of a man who now has a useless rape dungeon. Elsewhere, Bobby Roode thinks the match with Joe is stupid. Magnus walks up, and tells Roode that he’d better listen to Dixie Carter, and do his job.

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Dixie and Spud welcome MVP into her office. This is mostly Dixie BS-ing about how well of a job she’s done, and MVP not buying it. MVP decides that they should talk in the ring.

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Magnus vs. Angle is now. It goes on for a little while, and it’s good. EC3 interferes, and clips Angle’s knee. Then, EC3 rages on Angle’s knee, before putting him in a submission hold. I bet he learned that move from Daniel Bryan.

#YELLOWROPESFOREVER Oh, Angle gets stretchered out. Backstage, Joe is mad. He says that Dixie has started a war that she can’t win.

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We get a recap of the Sabin/Velvet story. We go back to Sabin in the undisclosed place. He says that this is where they had their first kiss. He pulls out a box, and says we’re about to see something special. Velvet comes in, and she’s confused. He says that when he dumped her, he felt a veil lifted off of his brain. He gets down on one knee, and she starts freaking out. She opens the box and… it’s empty. Sabin wants her out of his life. He says that their relationship was all about Velvet, even when he was World Champion for those weird 20 minutes. He says that he is gonna be in the ring, and he wants to have a match against her next week. Calling it now, Velvet won’t shake her ass. I’m upset already.

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Bobby Roode comes out for his #1 contender’s match against Samoa Joe. This match is quick, but good. Joe wins after a Muscle Buster and Coconut Clutch, or whatever he calls the Rear Naked Choke. Joe has been impressive recently, and whatever fire that’s been lit under his ass should have been lit years ago.

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Dixie comes out with Rockstar Spud for the summit. While I like Dixie being a pompous rich person, and I also enjoy MVP on the mic, I’m not looking forward to a talking segment to end my show. She introduces MVP to the crowd. Dixie talks about how Magnus, her hand-picked World Champion, did everything she thought he would. She says that if everyone follows her lead, everyone will be more successful. She closes by saying that she hopes that MVP will be a “good” kind of negro… uh, I mean investor. MVP does not buy Dixie’s BS, and tells her that they only agree on one thing, and that is that they can agree to disagree. He says that her mismanagement almost brought this company down, and that he didn’t come to TNA to “be a butler at a Paula Deen party.” Great line. He says that Dixie’s reign over TNA is over. Dixie and Spud leave, and Impact ends with MVP waving them away with the crowd.

Impact was okay this week. While the matches were good, the only one that got time was the Monster’s Ball match. And I think the show would have been better served with the #1 contender’s match ending the show, with a little bit more time. They can’t all be winners, though. I read that next week, Impact will be from England, so expect another good crowd for next week. See you then. (If you want to make suggestions or comments, comment below or tweet me at @IamLWilliams, because I’m desperate for attention.)