What better way to ring in the New Year and dust off these cobwebs of creativity when it comes to writing articles than to say “goodbye” and “fuck you” to 2014? There’s so much to say about 2014, and I wonder where the hell I should start. For me, personally, 2014 was one of the worst years of my life and if you’ve listened to my personal blogs or kept up with me on social networking you know some of the many reasons as to why, but when I look at what it’s done to society at large, it’s even scarier to think that we’re in a world where people have really become afraid to speak their minds now more than ever if they don’t agree with the “moral justice” crowd who has all but taken over social media. You see them on Twitter, you see them on Facebook, and don’t even attempt to go to Tumblr, which is their territory (Tumblr is overrun with crybabies). But let’s look at some of the many things that happened this year that we were told we’d BETTER BE SORRY for, or things that plain-out just sucked all levels of ass leaving us with no faith for the future.
Everything Is Racist!
Alleged racism really got out of control this year, with outrage really hitting a fever pitch when Anthony Cumia of the Opie and Anthony show called a black woman a “savage” on Twitter. This led to Anthony’s dismissal from Sirius XM and led to Cumia starting his own show. But it wouldn’t be the end of all this racism nonsense as we started to see more black people get killed by cops. Mike Brown and Eric Garner made headlines when a white officer shot Mike Brown under “questionable” and “unclear” circumstances in Ferguson, MO, and Eric Garner was killed by police using a chokehold to restrain him, leading to the popular “#ICantBreathe” and "#BlackLivesMatter" trend.
Other cases would also litter the news such as Tamir Rice, a 12 year old shot with a toy gun, and John Crawford shot playing with a gun at Wal-Mart. The most recent story involved Antonio Martin, who unlike many of the other mentioned names was actually caught on camera putting a gun in the face of an officer. In between all this mess was the story of how a crazy guy killed a Hispanic Cop and an Asian Cop in New York City while people online who had been bitching about racism cheered it on and were glad it happened…
…wait. So it was “justified” to kill officers Liu and Ramos, who are minorities themselves? What kind of crack are these people smoking? In 2014 everything might be considered “racist” by a bunch of lunatic liberals, but there’s so much hypocrisy including the “let me be a hoodlum and commit crimes and then get mad when I’m called a thug.” What do you expect when you’re rioting, burning the flag, and calling for the murder of cops (whom by the way are the first people you call when there is trouble)? If you’re going to burn the flag you better burn those welfare checks too because while you spit on this country for being racist other countries (including countries in Africa) have martial law, will shoot innocent people in the street for no reason, kidnap girls and sell them into sex crimes, and any other number of horrible things. But please tell me how unjust America is, again. Al Sharpton won’t even sit with the other protestors so sit the fuck down and shut up about racism when we have a black President and when so many African Americans are wealthy, famous, popular, and have made it in life. The only people holding anyone back are the people who want to turn everything that happens into a race issue, and if a white guy put a gun in a cop’s face he’d probably get shot for it too. And I’m not a racist for saying that, I’m being honest when I say that race only holds you back if you decide to look at life that way. Want people to respect you? Stop being an assclown. It has nothing to do with color.
Singapore, Malaysia and Other Asian Countries Show their Inability to NOT Lose Planes
How many planes did this part of the world lose this year? Whether it was a plane shot down over the Ukraine, planes crashing into the ocean, or planes just plain disappearing, I think my desire to travel to Asian countries has completely disappeared (like their planes). I mean I used to want to visit Japan just to see what it’s like, but I think I’ll stay the fuck right here because I like existing. The people who rode in those planes are probably all melted to soup right now or being eaten by space aliens. It’s probably some kind of karmic balance for all the Asian people that eat babies and shit.
Hell there was even one Asian lady who tried to microwave her kid in California this year. What the hell, Asians?
GamerGate… and the horrible Feminists Mad About It
GamerGate has been going on for a long time and at first I thought the whole thing was a bit nuts because I heard it was about these angry feminists who are trying to snap on the gaming world. It reads complex but GamerGate are actually the people ANGRY about the feminists and Anti-GamerGate are the ones who are the feminists and social justice types. It’s out of control and started when some ugly bitch named Zoe Quinn banged a few guys and got some good reviews for a bad “game” (Depression Quest, which you can CLICK HERE to read my review of, and no Quinn didn’t fuck me because I have standards), and gamers were infuriated about the biased reviews that stemmed from men she slept with to get them. Ethics in gaming journalism have been called into question (hint: they seldom existed to begin with because big companies are not above greasing the wheels to get good reviews from the likes of IGN and Gamespot), but the other side rallied claiming that GamerGate was about harassing and threatening women, misogyny, and horrible attacks. The problem is these batshit insane feminists haven’t figured out “die in a fire” is a standard gamer attack and is not the same as “I’m going to physically put you into a fire.” Many of the social justice maniacs think “not agreeing” with them is “threatening” them, and make outlandish claims of “being doxed” (having their personal information posted online – it’s called the Freedom of Information Act and existed before the Internet by the way), and meanwhile are just as quick to retaliate to anyone they don’t like by doing the EXACT SAME SHIT.
This has only gotten crazier as more SJWs and feminists get in the mix including a female “gamer” named Anita Sarkeesian who says that she “doesn’t want to take anyone’s games away, just make room for different kinds of games,” then immediately calls support for stores and countries that are removing games like Grand Theft Auto V off store shelves. Unfortunately she has an army of sad virgins in fedora hats supporting her because the fact some women lead the “Anti GamerGate” charge has caused all the Internet’s worst “white knights” to immediately kiss their asses.
…I know at least one person who has become Anti-GamerGate… the same person who was overjoyed years ago to beat the shit out of hookers with a purple dildo in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. What happened? The pussification of society. Pandering and mindless worship has gone to a fever pitch allowing these lunatic Femi-Nazis to really get out of hand – give them an inch, they take a mile. Many of them don’t want equality, just censorship and subjugation of anyone or anything they find “triggering.” The problem is EVERYTHING IS TRIGGERING TO THEM. Rape scenes in Dragon Age. Hookers in Grand Theft Auto. The McDonalds McRib. Where do we draw the line and say “cut the shit and just stop getting involved in shit that makes you unhappy?”
But that’s too logical to them so they want the video game equivalent of book burning and anyone who disagrees with them “supports RAPECULTURE.” Don’t even get me started on how these maniacs have turned dying in an online videogame to “they’re mentally raping me.” Umm… you died. In a videogame. I killed you the same way I’d kill the men. If that’s not “equality” I don’t know what is. Anyway, these bitches need to calm down and lighten up. In fact, a model has even taken the piss by mocking Sarkeesian in her cam shows.
Be sure to check out @PrincessKora1 who in an ironic twist of fate has been verbally assaulted by the ANTI-GamerGate camp in the exact same way they claim the REAL Sarkeesian has been attacked that they are so against. Maybe you all need to lighten up and just enjoy boobs and booty – is there anything more pro-women than celebrating and enjoying the female body? Maybe these lunatics should worry less about Princess Toadstool being a damsel in distress and worry about real feminist issues like human trafficking in the shithole parts of the earth. Oh, that involves doing more than whining about people being “too vulgar” on the Internet? Nevermind, then! Ugh… SJWs.
Kim Kardashian “Breaks the Internet…” with Memes.
Kim Kardashian, obviously annoyed that she wasn’t the center of the universe this year other than to the morons who spent money on her God-awful Kim Kardashian Hollywood videogame, decided she would attempt to “break the Internet” and prove that despite being a mom that she’s still “sexy.” For a while #BreakTheInternet trended on Twitter as the Goddess of Shallowness’ ass was everywhere. But it didn’t last long because people have tired of looking at her ass over the years and now that “big ass” comes standard on any & every hot chick Kardashian is no longer special, leading to people making all sorts of parodies and memes and turning Kardashian into one hell of a bad joke.
Kardashian’s ass, however, did bring us one great thing this year as after drilling for oil in that ass for years, Kanye apparently struck pay dirt and gas prices are now down in the United States for EVERYBODY.
Now I just wish Shelton Benjamin would give her the ACTUAL Pay Dirt and we wouldn’t have to see her, or her baby with that stupid fucking name ever again.
Bad Shit Happens In Elevators: Just ask Jay-Z and That Football Player’s Wife
2014 was a bad year to be in an elevator, just ask Jay-Z as Beyonce’s sister, Solange tried to beat the shit out of him in one. Not to be outdone, Ray Rice, football player on the Baltimore Ravens team would beat his wife with elevator footage to follow as well. If there’s anything we learned from this moment it is that TMZ has bugged every elevator security camera in existence and that while Solange was glorified for being a raging bitch, Ray Rice was suspended and forced to make apologies, and seek counseling, and various other crap while being vilified by social media DESPITE his wife wanting people to drop it. In other words “it’s acceptable to throw a punch AT ANYONE as long as you have a vagina. However if you have a dick, you’re clearly a really abusive asshole.” Moral of the story: If you’re a guy, maybe you should just take the stairs from now on.
Bill Cosby Is a Rapist – Because People Said So, Not Because of Evidence
Bill Cosby, a great comedian, father, and educator, was accused of rape by about 28 women who claim that he raped many of them through the span of about 5 decades. This all started when a comedian named Hannibal Burgess put jokes about rumors of Cosby’s indiscretions into his routine. People started to take it seriously, and next thing we know we have women saying that on the fateful night of of the 4th of Buttfuck, in the year nineteen-sixty-suck-my-dick that Bill Cosby put roofies in the Jell-O, and when the women woke up the pudding pop was up their asshole while Bill Cosby made an O-face. More women seem to come out of the wood work every week which begs the question “why did almost 30 women ALL WAIT to say anything?” Which stories are real? Which aren’t? Where is the proof?
Of course when you say you want proof, you get hit with RAPECULTURE, which is a feminist’s magic button for “you have a dick and you are wrong” this year.
While I understand that we should not “victim blame,” I can’t say I feel confident about the stories women come up with near 30 years later and with no proof. And as a result, because it’s inconclusive, a talented icon of the 1980s and 1990s gets labeled a monster and we slowly erase him from Netflix, which is like getting deleted from life, and Bill Cosby now joins the ranks of Chris Benoit in the WWE even though he’s not even dead.
My question is why can’t we settle this the civil way and have a 30 person Royal Rumble where the winner takes the out-of-court cash settlement? 29 can be Goldust, and 30 can be me because technically Bill Cosby raped me mentally through the horrible movie Leonard Part 6, which I reviewed once many years ago. Anyway, in all seriousness we need to get away from accusations being treated the same way as convictions because it ruins the entire system when we take a “GUILTY” until proven “INNOCENT” approach to life.
Despite my opinions the situation did lead to the World Star Video above with the guy who starred in all those Bill Cosby porn parodies and that turned out to be pretty funny.
CM Punk Has an Extra Cunty 2014.
WWE’s CM Punk had one hell of a year for a guy that basically didn’t do shit – he walked out on WWE, walked into UFC, buried his face in AJ Lee’s asshole, then married her, and became a Walking Dead enthusiast. When he started to fade away like Marty McFly when Biff was about to fuck his mother in the past, CM Punk did not one but two podcasts to talk about how shitty the company that put him on the map was to him, and block people for making fun of him on the Internet or for posting his wedding photo which he tripped the hell out about to the point you wonder why the hell he let anyone snap photos in the first place if they were going to leak them on the Internet.
Despite CM Punk turning AJ’s pussy into dog food, it has not stopped weirdoes from wanting to inseminate AJ Lee as you can hear in the clip above. “I WANT SEX PICS AJ LEE.”
ISIS Chop Off People’s Heads.
ISIS attempted to try to make terrorism “cool” again by chopping off people’s heads every week for like a month. I wasn’t terrified because I was too busy impressed that Jihadists can finally afford HD camera instead of those Sony Handicams from 1997. Of course I was immediately unimpressed once they had to stop and re-shoot the video because they were cutting heads off with old butter knives. Also after week after week of doing the same thing, they started to get redundant to the point the only way you could make anything these morons were saying interesting was to put some NWO music in the background.
I guess you can’t win them all. ISIS did a good job of at least rebranding ANYONE who dies ANYTHING stupid which involves a head being cut off as an ISIS terrorist. I’d be afraid of them if it weren’t for the fact it would take them six hours to decapitate me like one of those suspenseful cartoons where someone is tied to a log in a saw mill and it’s going to take forever before they get split in half.
EBOLA Infects Like 8 People in America.
or a while the country was in a panic when people from that shithole country Liberia came over here with Ebola. We also had two infected Americans return to the country to get treatment for the disease. The result was mass panic and everyone paranoid that they’d get Ebola if they went outside, got within 5 feet of another human being, or ate at Taco Bell. All of this made no sense when we should have just banned Liberia from our lives avoid the Ebola plague like… well… the plague. Doomsday-sayers thought they had their next cash cow, and religious fanatics were sure the Apocalypse was upon us, (even though X-Men Apocalypse probably won’t be out until 2016)… then after about a month nobody cared anymore and Ebola hasn’t been heard from since because Dustin Hoffman found the monkey that started the whole thing cured us all.
Thanks, Dustin Hoffman. You're the best.
A lot of Teachers Bang a Lot of Students… only they’re hot females banging boys this time!
The public school system became like a giant episode of Law & Order Special Victims unit when dozens of teachers banged teenage male students this year. And it would be one thing if they were ugly fat desperate lonely housewives whose men would not touch them but for the most part all of the chicks ranged from 7/10 to 10/10 bangable and should not have had a problem getting a man either in real life, or on Tinder, hell, Johnny Landin, my former co-host is 5’9 and would have fucked most of these bitches for free, and they wouldn’t be facing 2-20 and spending their New Year’s eating gruel during the day and unshaved pussy at night to make commissary in prison.
I blame the increase in women banging teens solely on the fact Stabler isn’t on Law and Order: SVU anymore because nobody is remotely intimidated by Danny Pino.
Harold Ramis Dies, Really Shitty Ghostbusters Remake Gets Greenlit
Harold Ramis, known for his role as Egon in Ghostbusters passed away this year, so since nobody could make up their minds what they wanted to do with the Ghostbusters franchise, they now realized God made up their minds for them, Ramis was dead and somehow came to the conclusion the only viable answer was to remake Ghostbusters, put the director of Bridesmaids at the helm, and sit back and listen to the sound of thousands of agonized nerds like me wailing in unison at the news the likes of that fat bitch from Pitch Perfect and that fat bitch from Tammy would be cast in the film.
Nothing says “my childhood” like filling a franchise I loved with fat unfunny obese women. Thanks for nothing, Hollywood. I think I’d rather have Ebola come back than to see this abomination of a concept come to fruition.
Robin Williams Realizes 2014 Sucks Balls, And Kills Self.
Robin Williams in a tragedy took his own life this year – the man was an acclaimed actor, a comedian, and one of the most talented showmen there was. We would find that he struggled with depression which brought many of us to take the time to look inwardly to ask ourselves if we felt that kind of pain and if we need to speak out and reach out more. But in all honesty I feel that on behalf of myself, the Asked podcast, and also the Asked with Riv & Landin podcast, that we owe all of you an apology because had Johnny Landin and I not feuded in the middle of the year, Robin Williams would still be here. You see, he got so depressed about the Riv & Landin split he frankly killed himself. My bad, everyone. Sorry about that. If he had just lasted until December he’d see its okay, again. Oh well, at least this means “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” is off the table.
Seriously though, RIP Robin Williams. Now that you’re gone, I’m the man with the hairiest arms on earth, and that’s a pretty crappy title to have.
It’s Good to Play Together-oh-wait-DDoS & Hacking Ruins Everything!
As if gamers didn’t have a bad enough time with feminists crusading against booty size in videogames like it’s a big deal, cyber-crime is on the rise and a group calling themselves “Lizard Squad” was prominent over the second half of the year through Distributed Denial of Service attacks (DDoS) on the servers of both Microsoft and Sony in addition to MMORPG services such as Blizzard’s Battle.net and a few attacks on Steam as well – Nintendo was mostly left alone, but the DDoS group said they were doing it to make “these nerds spend time with their families on the holidays.” So, you’re hacking videogame servers all day and all night… and calling OTHER PEOPLE nerds? If these people were so righteous they wouldn’t be waving their massive e-dicks around on their official Twitter page and making stupid catchphrases, and truth be told, their logic is flawed because of pure stupidity. What if someone works 60 hours a week or more, has no family and their only outlet or thing to look forward to on their two days off happens to be winding down with the videogame they spent $60 on, you little shits?
Fortunately quite a few members of Lizard Squad have been rounded up and will likely see jail time which will involve being someone’s bitch in prison because being a “hacker” (no worse, Script Kiddie, which means that very minimal computer skill is required –just the persistence and tenacity to want to be an annoying cuntrag), gives no “street cred” and Big Snake and Cholo are going to be really excited when the white meat comes into general population. It’s going to be Valentine’s Day with more anal sex! And frankly you deserve that for being assholes!
Unfortunately Lizard Squad’s DDoS wasn’t the only BS we saw as the Rise of the Hack (not Matt Hack, of ISW fame), led to the North Koreans taking credit for hacking Sony Pictures over The Interview being an unflattering portrayal of Kim Jong Un. Fortunately after a big debacle, Seth Rogen and James Franco’s new comedy appeared on demand via the Internet, and while reviews are mixed (if you didn’t like This Is the End or Pineapple Express you won’t like this film either – I on the other hand love all three of the movies), the big deal was that we’re afraid of another country telling us what we can and can’t do and what we can and can’t watch. Are we going to start to pee sitting down and refer to Kim Jong as the “Glorious Supreme Taco Behemoth Dick” or whatever the hell they call him over there too? When did we start to fear a country that has three working toilets in it at best?
But not all hacks were terrible for the world… we also had The Fappening, the biggest exposure of celebrity nude leaks ever to hit the Internet, mainly because celebrities are retards and allow all their photos to be saved to the cloud. This is why you NEVER upload incriminating documents on the Internet; and if you keep them you store them locally on an external hard drive like I do with my “baseball card collection.” Celebrity leaks included a bunch of females I don’t really know or care about, Kate Upton, and Jennifer Lawrence who took so many nudes that she could make a Page-A-Day Calendar from them and sell them for millions if she wasn’t trying to save face and act offended and “violated.” Frankly I feel violated I had to look at a photo of her shaving her vagina while dressed as Mystique.
Celebrities later threatened to sue everyone who even HEARD of the photos existing, as well as Google to try to ensure they go away as well as telling us that any man that got an erection was guilty of “RAPECULTURE.” (there’s that word again, which is clearly WORD OF THE YEAR 2014.)
2014 was one hell of a screwed up year, and the world almost seems to have hit brand-new levels of ridiculousness and retardation. Frankly it leaves me somewhat frightened that we’ve been on that course all year, and I try to remain optimistic that 2015 will see society turn around, stop being babies about everything, do less stupid shit, and be actually “cool as fuck.” Okay, I need to stop fucking lying. I’m actually glad 2014 was so fucked up, solely because if screwed up shit weren’t happening all the time I’d have NOTHING to talk about on my podcast every week on this very website so “thank you, society, for being retarded. Please continue to do so solely for my benefit.” I'll see you all every week on Asked to talk about it going forward into 2015!