So I guess we’re nearing the Royal Rumble which means that I have to come out of retirement and start recapping wrestling again. I took an extended break both for personal reasons and because the beginning of football season is when wrestling starts to suck ass where it remains until the Road to Wrestlemania. Still, I’m a recapper who hasn’t been recapping and it’s time to work the rust off. Be gentle. Also thank you to all of you who support my other projects such as Asked. I really have had a rough 2014 but 2014 is almost over and I’m ready to fuck 2015 right in the pussy (and the ass if she’s a dirty bitch). First off, tonight’s RAW has been rumored to be a mess due to the fact the WWE booked a lot of their major talent at a house show that is running concurrent with RAW. My guess is they intended for tonight’s episode to be taped, forgot all about that and then ended up fucked with a royal F. So what are we going to focus on with RAW tonight? First off, Edge and Christian are hosting, and secondly Daniel Bryan has an important announcement. Probably retirement but hey, maybe he’ll leave WWE to join UFC, too.
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Who is this fat chick singing and where the fuck is Mark Harmon, his giant nose, and the last few minutes of NCIS?
Is this a fucking New Day promo? Wait, no not enough black people. When is this ending? This shit is annoying. Probably more annoying than actually watching RAW.
We start off with Edge’s retirement announcement. This was actually a sad moment. Edge was always an enjoyable part of the WWE – being that a lot of people are paranoid about Daniel Bryan’s announcement later I’m sure they feel it’s foreshadowing and making them shit themselves worried about it. We’re reminded Edge and Christian return tonight (albeit with a lot less hair).
For some reason E&C come out here to Edge’s solo theme. They couldn’t have used the awesome Edge and Christian “YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME” theme? Edge is wearing a Sami Zayn t-shirt which makes me wonder if we might have a debut coming. I feel this is awkwardly placed, because even though I like Edge and Christian this would have been good in Canada.
Christian says he wants to do a Peep Show and Edge says that it sounds like something perverts in 1920 would watch and they should do Edge’s segment, the Cutting Edge, instead. They compromise and do the “Cutting Edge Peep Show” instead with special guest being Mr. Money In the Bank Seth Rollins. I’m interested to see how Rollins and Edge interact given that Rollins has a very similar feel to Edge’s Money in the Bank run. Edge also adds Rollins into a match with Roman Reigns tonight. Christian says he has a match to create and puts a Champion vs. Champion match together: Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev. AND THEY WILL BOTH BE COMPLETELY NAKED. Pat Patterson just got sexually excited. Obviously that’s not going to happen and Christian realizes how creepy that is then he reminds us Daniel Bryan will be here tonight.
Christian and Edge get ready to do the five second pose when the WWE Champion Brock Lesnar’s theme hits and Lesnar and Paul Heyman arrive. One person in the audience takes this moment to brandish his EAT, SLEEP, STAY AT HOME, REPEAT sign. I laughed. I have sex more often than we see Brock Lesnar on television. Okay, it’s not that bad, but its pretty close. Paul Heyman threatens Edge and Christian with the prospect of paraplegia and adds that Brock Lesnar wants to penetrate a virgin neck – the neck of John Cena.
Ketchup & Mustard makes his way out here and I can’t help but really want the Brock Lesnar/John Cena saga to end. The crowd actually boos John Cena’s arrival and everyone just stands around in the ring looking awkward. Cena says the only reason he doesn’t drop Brock Lesnar now is because he doesn’t want an excuse at the Royal Rumble for Brock to cower behind. He makes the resolution to take the belt from Brock Lesnar, and he brings Heyman the gift of the FU (I’ll never call it the AA) but it’s a plot to make Brock rush to defend him. Brock almost takes the FU instead but is able to escape and retreat the ring because as you know Paul Heyman guys never fight for free. We hit commercials during John Cena’s shitty music and Brock’s retreat. I take this moment to go urinate.
Dolph Ziggler is out here for his Champion vs. Champion match. The belts are not on the line, by the way. I want to know what Ziggler did to Edge and Christian for them to put him in this horrible match-up where he’s likely to get his concussion-prone head kicked in by a guy who has not been pinned or made to submit.
Russia’s answer to Grimace, Alexander Rusev is out here with Lana in tow. Rusev has dope music and an awesome Titantron that reminds me of what would happen if we combined Vladmir Putin and Tetris. Also, Lana looks great. Did you know Lana is ANAL backwards? I noticed that right away because I’m a sick man. Ziggler is pretty much dominated in the early going, and fights his way back up only to be knocked down with an elbow to the face by Rusev. Rusev is dope to watch long-term in matches because the longer the match goes the more his hair begins to resemble that of a sad clown. Speaking of hair, Dolph Ziggler’s hair just reminds me that ramen is 20 cents a pack at Kroger. Ziggler starts to gain an advantage so we go to commercials so that when we come back he can be dominated again. I’m right and we come back to be told what happened now that Ziggler is on the floor in a resthold. Ziggler manages to regain the advantage with a Fame-Asser after a while but Rusev kicks out at 2. I doubt they’re going to just give a Rusev loss away so I’m banking on interference before this is over, likely from Luke Harper. Rusev loses by disqualification when he refuses to stop stomping Ziggler into the mat and in his rage, Rusev locks Ziggler in the accolade.
I’m glad they’re not naked or this would look like rape. Rusev is eventually assaulted by Ryback who makes a beeline for the ring and meathook clotheslines Rusev to the outside of the ring to the adulation of the crowd who shows their approval with Ryback’s FEED ME MORE chant.
I’m kind of tired of the Usos and Miz vs. Mizdow. I’m pretty sure the Ascension will show up during that segment and raise hell, as their debut is upon us tonight as well. A lot of people dislike the Ascension’s Legion of Doom rip-off promos. I actually enjoy it and say “they’re dead, so what does it matter if someone else uses their gimmick?” And yes I’m aware Animal isn’t physically dead, just dead inside.
Ryback is out here and says he wants to talk to us for a few minutes. WHY? Ryback says there has been a misunderstanding between the fans and himself and he wants to talk about himself a bit. He says he has been a fan since he was 12 years old. He reminds us he got his start on WWE Tough Enough as the Silverback. Ryback tells us he was ashamed he had lost million dollar tough enough and got a job working 12 hour shifts in Louisville, KY. He sort of skips over all his time in developmental to tell us he’s a big fan of the book the Secret and redebuted on NXT, and eventually joined Nexus. He tells us about the bad surgeries he went through he worked through it all and returned to the WWE as Ryback. Ryback says that he eats things negative people say and he turns them into positive. In other words Ryback shits positivity. Can I get him to eat my bank account and shit out a winning lottery ticket then?
Oh look! Sluts! I’m glad the Bella Twins are back together solely because their feud was painful. The Bellas are wrestling Natalya who is accompanied by the Asked Podcast’s biggest fan, Tyson Kidd (by biggest fan I mean he hates me for a segment I had little to no involvement in even though I enjoy the guy’s work). Nikki plays mind games by trying to get close to Tyson Kidd which fires Nattie up. Kidd and Brie argue on the outside while the distraction allows Nikki (who is the Divas champion if you give a shit) to hit the Rack Attack on Natalya and get a quick victory.
Backstage The Miz and Naomi exchange words and Naomi privately thanks the Miz for his work trying to further her Hollywood career and apologizes for her husband Jimmy’s treatment of the Miz as of late. She wishes him good luck while Miz gets his Dogfart Network on in his mind. I would tear Naomi’s black ass up. I would use her ass as a floatation device if I were shipwrecked. I bet if you put your ear up to Naomi’s ass you hear the ocean. I bet Naomi’s ass adjusts to the contours of your head when used as a pillow. I bet when you slap Naomi’s ass 10 coins and a 1-Up comes out. I would fuck Naomi so hard she would die and other black people would chant RACISM and riot over what I did to that ass.
I love the Mizdow/Miz/Stunt Double thing. It’s hilarious, even though I have little to no interest in watching them fight the Usos again. I want a stunt double. Maybe Luke Hudson. I leave to take a dump and when I come back the Miz has the Really Shitty Version of the Figure 4 on Jimmy Uso. Later he will have his version of the Cleveland Steamer on Jimmy’s wife, Naomi. Hold is broken, match resumes. Miz tosses Mizdow into an Usos superkick and tries to go for the pin after they knock Mizdow out. The Usos manage to hit the Flying Splash on Miz after all of it for the Usos to regain the titles and begin their 2nd title reign. I’m sure now that the Miz lost he will take his anger out on Naomi’s Hollywood career.
Naomi comes out here and her ass bounces around like a sentient being. In those black pants I assume her ass is going to transform into the Venom symbiote and leave to go get revenge on Peter Parker.
Jerry Lawler and his ugly sweater decide to get a closer look at Naomi’s ass under the guise of interviewing the Usos. They talk about barbecues and playing the Miz and Johnny Football and all that crap. I have no idea what the hell they said. The commentators then decide to speculate on whether or not Daniel Bryan is retiring tonight. A highlight video reminds us of how the Shield disintegrated. They do this because Reigns isn’t good at talking.
Cesaro is in the ring with a microphone anxiously awaiting them to stop playing his shitty entrance music.
Cesaro is sitting on the floor annoyed about his year. Remember when he was a Paul Heyman guy and that shit stopped for no reason whatsoever? He reminds us that he won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal but that WWE’s higher ups are angry he does not connect. He tells us he does not connect, because he delivers and he delivers every single time he steps into the ring. He doesn’t care about connecting with any of the WWE universe. He does not care about pageantry and pyrotechnics or elaborate entrances. All he cares about is what he can do in the ring. Cesaro says if anyone doubts him he wants them out.
I’VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Bad News Barrett is back and says that while Cesaro doesn’t care about connecting with these people there is something that’s going to connect – the Bullhammer with Cesaro’s shiny little head. This is going to be a brawl. Both men work rather aggressively. Barrett drops Cesaro with a backbreaker and begins choking him against the second rope with his knee and then delivering knees to the head of Cesaro followed with a kick that sends him to the outside. Cesaro eventually regains an advantage and begins working Barrett into the mat. Barrett fights back out and gets hit with a German Suplex for his troubles and then knocked back to the mat by the Swiss Superman. Cesaro begins firing fists rapidly into the head of Barrett but BNB rebounds with a few kicks to Cesaro and goes for a pumphandle slam which is countered into the Cesaro Swing followed by a single leg crab. Barrett makes it to the ropes and Cesaro has to break the hold. The referee doesn’t see Barrett rake the eyes of Cesaro, which is followed by a bullhammer for the victory.
Luke Harper feels like nobody loves him. He says he is a product of their environment, a social pariah and a nightmare come to life.
RAPE FACE. SWEET DREAMS.
The Ascension get a promo. Since we’ve seen a lot of teams in action that means they’re probably going to fight Los Matadores, more than likely, you know, because everyone hates Puerto Ricans. I am living proof.
Jack Swagger still exists. I miss when he was being pushed. I like Swagger. Cool guy in real life, good gimmick, highly underrated, and he usually has Zeb with him and Zeb is great. Swagger is getting fed to Luke Harper tonight so I guess any hope of Swagger’s career getting a resurgence just went out the window. Harper hits Swagger with the Clothesline from Smell 1-2-3, let’s go on:
Edge and Cena begin to reminisce about the times they had and it is all fun and games until Christian remembers the time Edge went to Cena’s house and beat up his Dad then leaves after it gets awkward.
It’s time for the best part of this show: Coach Mercury and Jamie Noble. I don’t know why but the fact Noble and Mercury follow Seth Rollins everywhere is the greatest thing ever. I really don’t care much for Reigns vs. Rollins not because I hate either man, but Reigns is just missing something since the Shield split and he won’t get it back here. Jamie Noble and Mercury are the new Patterson and Brisco. So I wonder which one has the skidmarks in his underwear of the two of them. Big Show is doing guest commentary because he’s feuding with Reigns. In other news, I have to piss. I’m not female so I don’t really get much out of Reigns vs. Rollins. If I were a chick I’d probably be masturbating to it or something. The match feels a thousand years long and ends with Big Show dragging Reigns out and burying him under the announcer’s table. I’m just glad this is over.
Reigns is supposedly “really hurt” thanks to Big Show and lays around looking like Jesus in Passion of the Christ. We hit commercials because WWE wants us to remember Total Divas is back. No thanks, I’m heterosexual.
Seth Rollins wants to celebrate with his pet midgets and pet fat giant. Seth Rollins tells Mercury and Noble to spread their assholes… I mean their word to watch the Cutting Peep Show Edge Whatever tonight and that he wants John Cena to also attend this segment.
Amber Lamps match next week. I’ve never been a big fan of Ambulance Matches so I don’t care much but I do hope Ambrose wins if only because it feels like he’s been on a losing streak. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo about how life begins and ends in ambulances and that they have reached the point of no return.
Santino is throwing a New Year’s Party on Main Event tomorrow. See? This is why I don’t bother with Main Event. When I didn’t think Santino could annoy me more he was in that shitty Jingle All The Way 2 movie with Larry the Cable Guy. I’d rather attend a Ferguson Police Department New Year’s Party in blackface than party with Santino Marella.
Why does Daniel Bryan dress like Anita Sarkeesian? Is he an annoying feminist too? He’s out here for his big announcement and starts it off with about how much of an honor it is to be in the ring and to have main evented Wrestlemania. Bryan tells us after main eventing Wrestlemania and marrying Brie, shortly after his father died and he wasn’t there because he was here. That followed with a career threatening injury that requires surgery. Daniel Bryan gets teary-eyed as he says it. I feel a bit of emotional sadness here too having lost my own father this year. That’s something that is truly difficult to go through having experienced it myself. He goes back into character about how glad he was Dolph Ziggler defeated Rollins to get rid of the Authority. He said the doctors still couldn’t tell him anything and he called everyone including Edge to try to get some clarity and figure out what he is going to do and it gets to a point in your career whether all of this is worth it to continue or not. The crowd begins to get anxious, concerned about whether or not this is a retirement speech. Bryan said he’s out here to make a special announcement: is his career over? NO. He tells us he’s ready to fight, and ready to return and he will be in the Royal Rumble match-up. I knew they were trolling us to make us anxious and it is good to hear Bryan’s recovery is complete.
Backstage Miz/Mizdow interrupt Christian and Edge playing kazoo and they begin to mock Miz’s music.
Edge debuts his own stunt double, a puppet (which even still has long hair). Miz is angry and needs to blow off steam so Edge puts Miz in a second match tonight and sends him to the ring. Damien Sandow stares menacingly at the Edge puppet as he takes off. We’re lucky this isn’t Attitude Era or Sandow would get caught having sex with Edge’s puppet or something along those lines.
Miz and Mizdow are sent to fight Ascension and their creepy Illuminati looking Titantron.
I don’t mind the costume update for the Ascension to make them look a little less plain. These guys are pretty solid so let’s see how bad Miz and Mizdow get slaughtered here. It will probably lead to Miz running away and leaving Sandow to get devoured. Fall of Man hits on Sandow quickly and the Ascension are done. Miz meanwhile is not pleased.
He makes a face like he’s not going to be able to relieve his tensions later by putting his tongue in Maryse’s asshole.
Speaking of French Canadians heres the average one all the horny nerds seem to love, Renee Young, interviewing Seth Rollins who adds that he has invited Brock Lesnar to his celebration tonight in addition to John Cena. Edge and Christian are in the ring and call Rollins a bunch of nicknames including “General Zod 2000” which made me laugh.
And out comes Rollins and his mighty munchkins for the second time tonight! Christian asks if Rollins is celebrating because the Geek Squad over here just got done fixing his computer (in regards to Noble and Mercury). I laugh.
Rollins says that Edge and Christian pioneered a generation and are heroes of his who if it were not for them he would not be here today. Edge says he doesn’t believe it and that he thinks Rollins is being condescending. Christian adds that Rollins is kinda lame. Seth Rollins then puts over all his accomplishments and how he is the absolute future of sports entertainment. Nobody has had a better year than Seth Rollins. Rollins says that the past month has been difficult for him since Survivor Series and that he has been a party pooper and he does not want to be that guy any more. He says in 2015 that Seth Rollins is gone. He wants to have this celebration for a new Seth Rollins and that we can’t do that until he brings out his good friend, the Big Show. Automatically this segment has gone to hell.
Why is this guy still here? Rollins next wants to bring out John Cena. Cena does not appear after he is invited by Rollins twice. Rollins responds by forcing Cena’s hand by beating up Christian and then having Big Show force Edge to the floor against the briefcase.
Rollins says that if he does not get what he wants from John Cena he will break Edge’s neck. If John does not reinstate the Authority Seth Rollins will curbstomp Edge on the briefcase and break his neck. Rollins begins to remind us that Edge is someone’s husband and father. Rollins says that right now he knows in his mind that Edge is praying to whatever God he believes in for John Cena to save him.
John Cena makes his best “the condom just broke” face while Rollins continues to threaten to break Edge’s neck. Rollins says he will take no shame and find no guilt in doing this. Cena agrees to bring back the Authority and Seth Rollins celebrates. Rollins then says he’s going to kill Edge anyway but Cena manages to make the save at the sacrifice of himself as Big Show drops Cena with the knockout punch. Cena now gets the curbstomp as Rollins celebrates the return of the Authority.
Wait… didn’t Seth Rollins invite Brock Lesnar to this party? Oh well, it doesn’t matter – The Authority is back and JBL is currently cumming in his pants at this news.
Oh, well there’s Paul Heyman, and with him Brock Lesnar. Heyman and Rollins shake hands as HHH’s music hits and Hunter and Stephanie arrive. JBL’s underwear is now forever soiled and never wearable again.
Oh well, that was a decent RAW, albeit a bit too long for my tastes. Still, I didn’t expect that finish and it caught my attention so maybe we’re on the right track as we head to the Royal Rumble in January. Now let me get out of here because I don’t want to put up with the Chrissley Knows Best crap that airs once RAW is over.