As some of you may know, the Terminator franchise is on its way to getting a reboot much like so many other popular franchises tend to do in an age where original ideas simply don’t exist. Terminator: Genisys (complete with bad spelling of the word “Genesis”) is supposed to be an attempt to get this series back on track so why does it look like bad cosplay?
With the only person that stands out to me being Emilia Clarke (of Game of Thrones fame) looking like a down syndrome Sarah Connor, I don’t find myself too thrilled about this one. Do we really need to tank something that peaked at Terminator 2 further? Let the dead rest in peace, Hollywood. It’s too clean, too unnatural. It’s missing something.
Cue Brian Roth, former Asked Co-Host and “science guy,” who is still an occasional behind-the-scenes (and on-air) contributor to the show. Brian and I had a discussion about this new Terminator film on Facebook and from it came Brian Roth’s take on what would make a good Terminator film in 2015, which may or may not have been inspired by the dire news that Paul Feig would be directing a new all-female Ghostbusters film.
I present to you all Brian Roth’s Feminist vision of a Terminator film. James Cameron is rolling in his grave and he's not even dead yet.
They should have just done a reboot. Where John Connor is stalked by a Terminator played by Joanie (Chyna) Laurer, and is rescued by a freedmen fighter from the future, named Kylie Reese (played by Faye Reagan), sent by his daughter, who he conceives with Kylie. In a twist, John Connor is killed by Chyna Terminator, then Kylie destroys Chyna Terminator in a hydraulic press. Kylie has John Connor's daughter, names her Sarah, and Sarah meets her own mother in the future, and sends her back in time to get impregnated by John in 1984. John is only useful for his sperm, GIRL POWER!!!
Faye Reagan as Kylie Reese. She is sent by Sarah Connor, to the past, to "protect" Sarah's father John Connor. Later we find out Kylie could not protect Connor, due to lowered minimum requirements in the future Army. She simply gets pregnant by him and it ends up being Sarah herself who is the baby.
Joanie "Chyna" Laurer as the Terminator. She successfully kills John Connor, but not before Kylie is impregnated, conceiving Sarah Connor. This Terminator is killed in a hydraulic press by Kylie, when she convinces it there is a Paul Levesque robot inside the Press.
John Connor, played by Kristen Stewart. The role of a man will be played by a woman, but it will be totally convincing. Kylie Reese tells John she was sent back to protect him, by his own daughter Sarah. John gets Kylie pregnant before he is killed by the Terminator.
Emma Watson will play Sarah Connor, she looks like her father John, but sports her mother Kylie's reddish tones. Sarah had no intention of protecting her father in the past. She only cared about getting her mother inseminated with his sperm, so she could exist.
T-1000 played by Edward Furlong. He does not run fast.
Psychiatrist Dr. Silberman played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sean Bean plays the Punk who the Terminator murders for his clothes.
Time displacement machine used by Sarah Connor to send Kylie reese back in time.
Secret technology used by Sarah to operate the machine:
AND NOW FOR A BONUS BY JOZEF SUSKA:
Melissa McCarthy can play the fakemeout Sara Connor that gets shot in the face. Due to more violent movie trends, we now get to see it in slow mo.
And so there you have it. It’s a perfect action film for the feminist agenda filled with headache-inducing plot twists, time paradoxes, and “lots of women” who I wouldn’t jerk off to. You’re welcome, Internet. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to melt myself in a pit of hot liquid metal like Arnold did to himself at the end of T2.