I decided Halloween, a holiday about dressing up in costumes was the perfect time to pull this article from the archives of JasonRivera.com and re-post it here. After all, the cosplay articles seem to always get people riled up, case in point our previous Fat Chicks Dressed like Yuna article gets a gratuitous amount of hate. I want to say for the record NinjaMarion and I co-wrote this article, however he has since repented for his sins against The Universe's Mighty Vagina, and you can follow him on his moral crusade at @NInjaMarion. I, however, have not repented for my sins and you can follow me on my road to damnation at @RealJasonRivera.
Our last visit to the Cosplay Lab led to an influx of fat, hideous, ugly, disgusting people dressed like Yuna from Final Fantasy X, and ultimately led me to believe that Cosplay Lab is home to more nasty biological experiments and horrors than the Center for Disease Control.
The neckfat protects her from melee weapons. Click on this ugly bitch to be transported to an “Otherworld.” If you can honestly look at the photo above, of this behemoth, and not wince or turn your head, then Shang Tsung stole your soul a long time ago.
Now then, Mortal Kombat is not a Japanese videogame in origin, so you have a lot less fangirls and as a result a lot less Kosplay, but what’s there is still enough to make one wonder “Are these people retarded?”
So come now and take this trip with Marion and I to the sixth realm of Mortal Kombat – Kosplay Hell.
That’s a Real Person In That There Game!
What I find funny about this particular Kitana photo is not so much the outfit as much as the horrible digital camera resolution and quality, making her look just like something out of one of the old digitized games that MK I and II were. It’s probably better that I can’t see her.
That is one terribly busted-ass Frost. I’m sure that she took the picture next to a much uglier girl in hopes no one would dog her out. She failed. That’s all I can really say. Just, no.
Fat Ninjas (not to be confused with the awesome podcast host of the same name)
Aren’t ninjas supposed to be fast? This guy barely looks like he can move, let alone even jump. I bet the only time he can do so is to get to the front of the line at the Sizzler.
I’ll Pretend Mileena Said 18 LOL.
And here we see a Mileena that might be good if she wasn’t 9 years old. Behold NAMBLA’s favorite cosplayer. The fact her non-existent tits are about to pop out of her scantily clad costume is just disturbing. Oh, and let’s not forget her belt looks like a strap-on dildo at this angle.
Tubby Midget Cyrax
For some reason, the giant head on this one reminds me of a Down’s Syndrome kid. Judging by the fact it’s someone choosing not only to kosplay, but to kosplay fucking “Mustard”, it probably is one. Why is his head 97 pounds? Shoulda been Ketchup, mothafucka!
Sindel Should Have Stayed Dead
Sindel never was an appealing character but I find when other people try to do the attire, it ends up ten times WORSE.
Oily Idiot Scorpion
Is this guy even trying? His costume’s all baggy and loose and shitty looking and he’s resorted to using text speak in his shitty sign. I’ve seen homeless people with more well-designed signs than this guy. I also don’t remember Scorpion ever having oily hair and skin. I don’t think skeleton demons even can have oily skin, since, you know, they don’t have skin. 2 Girls needed to chase Beaker for movie? I bet Beaker gets better chicks than he does. This guy really is a piece of shit.
Last Dance With Sonya Blade, One More Time To Kill The Pain
And here we see that from time to time Tom Petty likes to dress up as Sonya Blade.
This is a perfect example of how it’s not only ugly people or people with badly made costumes are what’s wrong with kosplay. Here we have an attractive girl with a decently constructed costume. The only problem is it’s not Kitana. With all the neon paint splashes and arm wraps, she looks more like fucking Jeff Hardy. I bet her Hari-Kari move woulda been a Swanton Bomb straight into The Pit.
Even The Ghetto Has A Home Depot To Buy Paint In…
All he did was dip his arms in paint and take a shirt off. What a cheap job! It’s GHETTO JAX! But isn’t that an oxymoron?
Lazy Ass Liu Kang
This is the kind of costume a 6 year old with the belt from a robe would come up with. All he did was throw on a pair of pajamas and wrap his jewfro in a headband. The lazy fucker couldn’t even take the time to wash his nasty-ass feet before taking the pic.
Cancer Patient Cage
HONEY I SHRUNK JOHNNY CAGE!!! I guess this would work if Johnny’s muscle mass was all nothing more than film special effects, but I think this kid needs to hit the gym and stop looking like a leukemia patient before he can start signing his autographs To My Greatest Fan.
Gardener Kung Lao
Now, I don’t wanna sound racist or anything, but this guy looks like the spic that mows my lawn. Hell, it almost looks like he forgot he’s not mowing lawns right now and still has his arms in the position to push the damn thing.
Proud Owner of a Green Shirt.
So basically this fat girl found a green t-shirt, cut the sleeves off and wrapped them around her face and claims to be wearing a Jade costume. So if I take a picture of me with the lights completely off, would that make me a Noob Saibot cosplayer?
Tiny Black Power
Decently made costumes, but there’s just something inherently funny about two tiny asian men rocking the black power fist. Fight the good fight, my brothers. Don’t let whitey hold you down!
Proud Owner of a Blue Shirt.
Oops! She did it again! With a blue shirt, this time, denoting Kitana. My guess is the only reason she didn’t go for the trifecta and cosplay as Mileena is because she either couldn’t find fuchsia in her size, or because someone might mistake her for the Kool-Aid man.
This Outfit Kinda Makes Me Look Like MegaMan!
Here we see an incredibly flat-chested Kitana. So flat-chested in fact that I thought she was cosplaying Battle-Network MegaMan.
Last time I checked Sub-Zero wasn’t a homosexual.
Next Time Try A Black-And-White.
WRONG COLOR, MORON! Also: wrong chest size, wrong physical features, wrong place and wrong time, now you can join us in Kosplay Hell. The things not wearing a green shirt will cost you…
You’ve gotta love when kosplayers decide to take “liberties” with a character and make an “original” interpretation of the character. In this case, we get a box cutter on a rope in place of Scorpion’s spear, what resembles a fucking smilie-faced skull on the belt, and best of all, a fucking pair of panties for the mask. What, did I miss where they retconned his story to include being a pervert that came back from hell to sniff women’s underwear?
Last time I checked Raiden wasn’t black with tits, but what do I know? I’ve only played every game in the fucking series…
Pussy Ass Scorpion
I think part of the character and cosplay would be to look the part. I’m no expert, but when I think Scorpion, I think a ruthless monster who would stop at nothing for vengeance. Above we see like a kid who is afraid to be even WEARING a Scorpion costume. My guess is he’s afraid the REAL Scorpion would appear and light this little douche on fire pubes first.
Oh god. Not this guy again. Didn’t he already have one shitty kostume in this article? He should just take that hat and use it to slit his fucking wrists. Get him the fuck out of here. I’m done with this guy.
Sonya Blade? More Like Sonya Blob.
Sonya Blade is Sonya Blade because she’s thin and sexy. Sonya Blade can wear black booty shorts and a black tanktop and still be Sonya Blade because she is thin and sexy. What happens when a fat girl wears a black tanktop and booty shorts? She is not cosplaying as Sonya Blade she is cosplaying as white trash. Actually, she may BE white trash. Either way, a fatality has just been performed on my eyes. I wish I were Blind Kenshi.
So with that, I think it’s time Marion and I open up a portal back to the real world where people dress like people and where there are substantially less homosexuals dressed like Ninjas. We’ll probably revisit this next year, in hopes that Mortal Kosplayers have become significantly more attractive...
Wow, even the movies can’t get it right. Nevermind then. Maybe we won’t come back to visit.