From the Archives: Crazy Chicks Are Only Hot in Theory. In Practice? Not So Much...

"I would kill a baby in front of it's mom for the chance to have sex with AJ Lee. Now that she's psychotic I would kill TWO babies in front of their mom for it." --Actual quotes from NinjaMarion

Crazy chicks are all the rage right now. If you’re a wrestling fan, one of the most fun angles in recent memory is watching WWE Diva AJ Lee transform from the cute videogame-playing geek goddess into a man-crazed psychopath who just wants male attention after a devastating break-up with her on-screen boyfriend Daniel Bryan, which some would say is the hottest and most appealing any WWE Diva has looked in years.

However crazy chicks in wrestling have been all the rage this year especially in the WWE, which also saw NXT Diva Maxine as an vicious, domineering sociopath who physically abuses her boyfriends before granting them any "affection," described on the show as “5 foot 4 inches of pure evil,” and willing to marry them if that’s what it took to maintain power over them.

WWE Diva Kaitlyn who went as far as to stage an in-ring intervention with chairs to take Maxine’s boyfriend, Derrick Bateman FROM Maxine, isn’t really any better for doing so. It isn’t just in wrestling which insane women thrive, however. One of the more popular viral Internet sensations this past month (which as of the time of this article’s publishing is up to 5 million+ views) involves a young lady singing psychotic lyrics in a parody of Justin Bieber’s hit song “Girlfriend.”

In her version, entitled “Boyfriend” she is depicted as having huge eyes and a psychotic smile while she mentions that she will be the ONLY one for you and you WILL be her boyfriend – don’t hide secrets both because she stole the key to your home and has planted listening devices in your shirt sleeves.

It’s not really that new, even television shows such as 2 and a Half Men feature characters like Rose – the psychotic stalker next-door neighbor who somehow ends up being totally banging despite her obvious mental defects. But rather than find these things disturbing most males find it insanely hot.

You can read any number of my Battle of the Sexes articles to see my stance on the fact that the momentum in the battle of the sexes has shifted since the Internet has become prominent and it has shifted in favor of women. Women have a vast majority of the power and control due to the fact that all they have to do is post a picture with adequate enough cleavage, and about 15-20 guys will hit the LIKE button with several drooling over their keyboards while typing about how sexy she is. This led to a great revelation for women: “Men really ARE fucking pathetic.” Because of this, men in this era absolutely LOVE and ADORE female attention due to the fact that positive female attention's few and far between. I should know. I’m a guy. I love positive female attention and flattery will get you everywhere with me. I’ve also got a few guys I follow on Twitter who I see wilt like plants that haven’t been watered if there isn’t at least one female paying attention to them at all times. This is what the world has become, and because of it, guys love crazy chicks whose feelings border on obsession – at least in theory we do. In practice it is another story entirely.

Meet “Liz” better known to members of my forums (back when people used it) as “The Bricktard.” This chick did not understand the concept of “I don’t want a relationship,” hopped a plane to Georgia despite my insistence not to in order to attempt to drag me to a Tori Amos concert (umm… I’m hetero, kthx), and even went as far as to take my last name and add it to her names on various Yearbook sites as well as add things in her profile like “I LOVE JASON RIVERA.”

No, just no. "Liz Rivera" sounds like a shitty first name/last name combination anyway. Eventually telling her I was seeing somebody (to get her to go away) led to hate tweets about how I was the biggest scumbag imaginable.

It is normal for me to get at least 7 tweets a week saying this to me.

Oh, if I had known it was that easy to get her to stop the insanity of telling people I was her husband, I would have done it long ago – you simply don’t understand horror until a girl shows up in your hometown demanding you to go to some concert you don’t want to go to and generally freaking you the fuck out. Now you tell me: what is hot about this scenario? If you answered “absolutely nothing” you’re ahead of the game.

Another reason we find crazy chicks “hot” is because they are depicted as being insanely loyal to a fault – despite digging through your trash, peering through your windows, and getting your name sewn on their underwear or your initials tattooed on their ass, they have one seemingly perfect trait in the fact they are loyal to you and only you… at least that’s how the media portrays crazy chicks. However, in reality women who are insane are only loyal to whoever it’s convenient for them to be loyal to at the time.

My ex-girlfriend Lori is another prime example: a recovering drug addict, plagued with eating disorders, she played the role of loyal girlfriend for a while – and during the time she lived with me, didn’t work a single day while she went to college, came home, and had sex pretty much every single day between rounds of “Strip Mario Kart” and World of Warcraft. Sounds like a great relationship, right? WRONG. You see, women who are mentally unstable also love on a whim and the slightest “anything” off in their brain whether it exists or not, will end up causing them to snap and do ridiculous irrational things.

My two best chick friends are very pretty (and completely spoken for) women. Because of the fact they didn’t approve of my girlfriend, she decided that I clearly must be fucking not one but BOTH of my female friends (she came to this conclusion without evidence and despite the fact that I was NEVER alone with either of them for the duration of our relationship; these were scenarios she created in her mind). This paranoia and insecurity led to her driving across the country to some shitty town named Renovo in Pennsylvania to fuck one of the admins of my forums. Yep, not just fuck another guy but engage in sexual relations with someone I knew on the Internet for half a decade simply to make it as dramatic as it possibly could. What followed involved faking pregnancies, miscarriages, pretending to break it off with him (and having sex with me one last time), and even mutual restraining orders.

There is a stress line on my forehead, as if someone penciled in a giant FUCK YOU on my head. It is the only thing that would denote that I’m not a young man anymore… and Lori put it there. She's probably also the reason for the dark circles under my eyes and my increased alcohol intake over the past decade. Drama will age you before your time. If you want to turn into Pruneface from Dick Tracy go right ahead and keep dealing with crazy chicks.

There are of course different levels of crazy, and you might find that as a loyal man you’re willing to endure. But don’t endure too long. I dated a girl named Brandi on and off for six years, and she had a number of psychological issues, even having been locked up in a hospital briefly. Depression, mood swings, problems at home – whatever. That’s all fine in good but in trying to be there for her I ignored my own needs by placing her first and doing the right thing. Not only didn’t I get sex in six years but I was rewarded with finding out her issues were her inability to cope with her sexuality because she was a lesbian. Fuck MY life. These are things that could be told to somebody BEFORE they waste six years of their life. Crazy people don’t give a shit about the consequences of their actions; let alone what happens to you as a person. They only care about what suits their needs at any given time.

Example: Crazy women also tend to be compulsive liars who assume that the end justifies the means. A good example of this is the type of women who use good angle/bad angle photos or old photos of them from 250 lbs. ago on Hot or Not – I was once unfortunate enough to decide to date a Hot or Not girl. I had done this in the past, and met with great results but you can’t bat 1000 when it comes to the Internet. Meeting the girl in person found that she had been using old photos to try to look more appealing than she actually was. What I found when I got there was a woman who looked like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

If a woman is going to lie about her looks, what else is she going to lie about? It’s not so much about being shallow as much as “you lied about who you are.” This is not rational behavior. Did you expect a guy to fall in love with you despite being dishonest? Regardless I continued on said “movie date” in being polite and not wanting to cause a scene knowing that after this date I’d never call her again. Unfortunately she insisted on inviting herself to come home with me because she clearly wanted to get “the lucky,” and chances are she hadn’t had it since the last time she could see her feet. This is why the wingman was invented. I called Curtis and go “Curtis, I have an 8 on the Richter Scale. Get to my house immediately.” We faked that Curtis\' daughter had an emergency and I had to go. This is why having a wingman is an invaluable asset to any man. They will bail you out of situations that might involve you being suffocated underneath a woman that smells like butter and tears.

Truth be told I probably just need to stop dating woman that have the ideal criteria to become Dark Lords of the Sith.

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It’s not just women I date though who are crazy. More and more in the news you hear stories about men who have been castrated forcefully by women who they’ve simply “had an argument” with. I’m not sure the rational decision in an argument is ripping a man’s scrotum off yet there are many recorded cases. They’re not big news because they happen more often than you think. That’s funny – I don’t see too many recorded cases of a man having an argument with a woman and ripping her tits off, so something is not right in the force. It’s to the point that a woman castrating a man is essentially a social norm. Even recently my next door neighbor was killed during an argument with his girlfriend.

He got murked.

Was he reckless for trying to block her car? Yes. Did he deserve to get run over, backed into, and run over again? Probably not. And this is the type of behavior you can expect by actual crazy chicks. So is it rational to be attracted to women who are clearly insane? Probably not, yet we do it anyway, because we as men really don’t know if or when any woman with a rational mind (do they even exist) is going to have touch our penises, so I guess we’ll keep doing what we’re doing, buy the t-shirts and keep our guards up against insanity because in the end…

…I STILL dig crazy chicks.

…I also dig the fact that the I DIG CRAZY CHICKS t-shirt came with a pamphlet for LIFE INSURANCE because apparently if you engage in crazy chicks, chances are you’ll have a shorter life span than the rest of your guy friends. So men, consider this article your warning: Crazy chicks are only hot in theory. Women? Be a star. Show tolerance and respect.