From the Archives: Movie Review: White Dog (1982) - Proof Even Animals Can Be Bigots!

1980s were a funny time - mainly because the world hadn’t become very politically correct yet. Deaf people weren’t “hearing impaired,” blind people weren’t “visually impaired,” retards weren’t “differently-abled,” and Whoopi Goldberg wasn’t a member of The View but just an “Ugly Black Jew.”

Unfortunately the new millennium, over-run by sympathetic-to-everything-in-the-universe Social Justice Warrior assholes who find NOTHING funny or amusing and EVERYTHING offensive are embarrassed by the 1980s and have spent the past decade or so eliminating the 80s (and anything put on television prior to 1980) from existence by remaking every movie made during that time period and increasing the amount of black people in them or in some cases “blackifying” the movie completely for no apparent reason.  In recent times, this has also been done with gender such as the plan to remake Ghostbusters with an all-female cast and Bridesmaids director Paul Feig at the helm.  And the worst part is if you say anything against these remakes you’re either a racist, a sexist, a sexist-racist, or any number of insults that can be generated randomly on Tumblr. 

Did we really NEED remakes of any of the above listed movies/television shows? Was someone seriously offended about the lack of African-Americans in any of that? I personally find that stupid and I believe it builds up more racial barriers than it tears down because everyone who isn’t black looks at these remakes and goes “look, it’s a black version of the same exact film and it’s excluding whites now.” I mean could you imagine remaking a black film with “all white people?” It’d be considered offensive, wouldn’t it?  Two wrongs don’t make a right here - it isn’t like the movies were made with the intention of alienating or excluding black people. It’s not like people made movies in the 1980s going “LOL FUCK U NIGGERZ.” 

...O.... K... Maybe I was completely wrong. Foot meet mouth? Well, if this exists, then I simply must press forward, move forward and review this. It sounds like fun. Shall we?

Our story begins with the sound of a dog being hit by a car, and being rescued by what appears to be the most poorly dressed woman I have ever seen in my life. Then again I need to take into account that this movie was filmed in 1982, and so this is some sort of sick hybridization between late 70s and early 80s fashion, which is highly disturbing like the fact a product like GoGurt exists.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing - GoGurt or the fact that if this woman weren’t wearing that outfit she would be naked and for some reason women prior to the 1990s had no figure, and never shaved their pussies.  I’m not really sure how people had sex in the 1980s when women had no tits and no ass.

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Anyway, this beautiful animal she hit is a white German Sheppard, which I’ve never actually seen a white one in person, but have to admit that’s a pretty looking animal. After some arguing with the complete schmuck of a veterinarian who demands payment despite the fact it isn’t this woman’s dog, the dog is treated and our woman with the bad fashion sense takes him in out of fear that taking him to the pound would just mean him getting put to sleep if his owner can’t claim him before then.

Now, for no reason I am going to include that depressing commercial that’s on Animal Planet all the time with the Sarah McLahlan song.

Ahh yes that might very well be the most depressing commercial on earth. Thank you Sarah McLahlan. That commercial makes me want to kill myself every time; I don’t know if it’s because of seeing animals abused hurting my feelings or your fucking music.

I don’t think I’d be quick to try to shove pills down a mouth with those kinds of jaws attached to them on a strange dog I hardly even know. During the next few days, while hoping for a call from the owner, the woman forms a bond with her newfound guest.

Her boyfriend, who has the same Prince Adam of Eternia haircut that every blonde haired Caucasian male seemed to have from 1979-1985 suggests she keep the dog because she won’t let him move in with her and could use a protector in case something happens (which in 1980s cinema is blatant, obvious foreshadowing). Maybe she would let him move in if he looked less like a pantywaist version of He-Man, although perhaps the reason she won’t is because of his infamous masturbation incident with all those kids and Tom Cruise around.

Sure enough, Ms. Badfashion is attacked by Highpants the Rapist.

I didn’t know anyone even tried to have sex for reasons other than procreation before the 1990s considering that every woman on earth was flat as a board in ‘82. Maybe this creep just wants to spread his seed.

Also because it’s 1982, people who look like him don’t get laid at all without rape as opposed to 2010 where there’s a growing trend of females who will let a guy hit it because he’s ugly as fuck just to prove they are not shallow and that looks don’t mean everything. Sorry, pal - if you were born in THIS time period you’d be getting ass all the time like Big Boy over here:

That dude is a true pimp. I’m sure I could learn a thing or two and maybe increase my cholesterol level 300%

Our heroine is saved just in the nick of time by White Dog, who begins mercilessly mauling our rapist (oh wait I forgot “rapist” isn’t the politically correct term anymore) Sexually-impaired friend.

Not willing to let it slide, our White Dog even gives chase to Captain Highpants, breaking a window in the process for dramatic effect. As Stone Cold Steve Austin would say “when you hear the glass, that’s your ass.”

Captain Highpants The Sexually-Impaired might have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that lousy dog. The police arrive literally ten seconds after they are called and remark that this “the same rapist they caught last year.” Why does he rape people the same time every year? Is he doing it because of El Nino? To protest the Reagan Administration? Wrestlemania Fever? Oh wait, Wrestlemania didn’t exist - maybe it’s because of a lack of Wrestlemania. Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy could have prevented this from happening. Take note.

Yes, I realize that didn’t happen until Wrestlemania II but no one remembers or cares about Paul Orndorff. In fact... our rapist is ugly enough to actually BE Paul Orndorff.

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Our blood-soaked White Dog gets a hug. This was also before AIDS so the fear of strange blood doesn’t seem to exist at this point, either.

Here is a picture of Adam of Eternia’s feet for no apparent reason other than the fact they annoy me.

Their phone conversation is cut short as White Dog begins to eat Ms. Badfashion’s panties. There is plenty of material to eat too because girls also wore nothing but granny panties until the 1990s as well.

Also can someone explain to me why the hell this bitch not only has no breasts, but is also dressed like a fuckin’ Ice Cream Man on top of that?

Cue random shot of the dog’s massive ballsac as he runs away with the underwear.

He continues to run because he sees a brown rabbit and begins to give chase into the hills of California which causes our woman with the poor fashion sense to panic and start searching frantically for him at the animal shelters. It’s kind of ridiculous when you think that she’s only had him for several days and it’s not even her dog in the first place. As time passes, we cue to a truck driver who takes a little break to “smoke ‘dat blunt.”

This infuriates White Dog who begins gnashing his teeth and growling into the air before lunging into the truck and mauling the black man to death - my one gripe is it happens way too fast to see what exactly is going on, and all you hear are the growls of White Dogs and the screams of Black Man while angles change so fast that you can’t really watch any sort of dismemberment - in this way movies have improved in our time because you get to witness the blood and gore.

As a result of this, the truck crashes into a boutique called Oscars, which is probably the closest connection this movie has to an Oscar in any way, shape, or form.

White Dog returns in the middle of the night to Ms. Badfashion’s home, and she’s so happy to see him home that she NEGLECTS THE FACT HE IS COVERED IN BLOOD. How the fuck did he even get in the house? Did he pick the lock? Once she realizes he’s blood-soaked she chalks it up to being in a fight, even though he has it all over him. How fuckin’ stupid is this woman?

Badfashion and Prince Adam try to celebrate the return of the dog, and Adam tries to use this as a reason to celebrate by sinking his dink, but he is ultimately cockblocked by White Dog who even steps on his dick at one point. I guess that means he’s going to have to masturbate on innocent people again.

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I love that photo.

Eventually, after weeks of not getting any parts to play during her job as an actress (maybe some tits and better clothing would help get you booked, eh?) Badfashion and a black co-star get a scene in a movie. Unfortunately for our ebony friend...

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happens next.

As I watch this mauling I can’t help but wondering what White Dog’s stance is on Black Albinos.

I swear those kids have no fuckin’ souls.

What amazes me is how there’s an entire film crew and Little Miss Badfashion just standing around WATCHING the mauling instead of helping. Since YouTube hadn’t been invented yet I doubt there’s a bunch of people standing around with their cellphones out recording, so maybe everyone is just secretly a racist and enjoying this slow-motion devouring of this woman. Or perhaps they’re like me and just wishing it was Oprah Winfrey on the receiving end of this.

After the mauling, The Prince and the Dresses-Like-a-Pauper argue about whether or not she should put down the dog, to which she says that the people who made him sick are the ones who should be put to sleep and not the dog. I begin to wonder if I can train my white cats to be “White” Cats, but I realize the extent of their hostility is simply meowing a lot at Curtis and getting cat hair all over his clothing when he is here..

White Dog almost attacks the Prince but after much begging from his girlfriend (and probably an off-screen blowjob or two), he decides to let her seek out someone who can possibly re-train and cure her dog of his malicious ways. This leads her to an animal training facility which trains animals for stunts in the movies, and she is greeted by what I assume is the First Lesbian of the 1980s.

The Marlboro Man-Woman-Man-Err....Thing tells her where to find Mr. Carruthers the great animal trainer. What she finds instead is a bitter obese dwarf of a man who is complaining nonstop about how R2-D2 is his nemesis and how George Lucas intends to replace all the animals in Hollywood with robots and special effects and is going to put him out of business when the future consists of special effects completely replacing animals - if he only knew...

This guy is a regular Nostradamus, just fat, ugly, and obsessed with cardboard cutouts of Star Wars characters.

He even shows R2-D2 he means business by throwing a dart at the cutout where R2-D2’s dick might be if he were anatomically correct. After he’s done performing assault and battery on a Lucasfilm trademark, he informs our lady of Ugly Outfits that there is nothing he can do to fix her dog. As she takes her leave, White Dog immediately sees one of Carruthers’ slaves…err… strong, liberated employees, and immediately goes for the kill with an impressive vertical leap.

Unfortunately he has a muzzle on.

This leads to the appearance of Carruthers’ partner, Keys, played by Paul Winfield, better known as “that black guy that’s in everything, but I can’t remember his name or can’t think of any movies or TV shows he is in off-hand.” Nice hat. After Carruthers and Keys tell us the origin of the White Dog, and how White Dogs were trained by racists all the way back in the 1800s to seek and destroy runaway slaves, Winfield says he wants the challenge of breaking this dog, and that if he can’t teach this dog tolerance he will put a bullet in his head personally. This leads to the ultimate stare down, the ultimate battle of wills - LET THE RACE WAR BEGIN!

Personally, while a “White” Dog might sound offensive to many, I think that the “White” Dog still has viable real life application; I personally think that we should have locked former Atlanta Falcons player Michael Vick in a cage with a white dog or two or three or eight. It would have been appropriate punishment for that lousy dog-fighting bastard.

This man deserves a face-chewing.

Various scenes ensue of Keys trying to break the dog, training with him while heavily armored and attempting to be the only person to feed him. More elaboration on how the White Dog is trained to attack black people is given, and we’re told that likely what happened is that as a puppy White Dog was beaten by black people, usually crackheads and homeless people paid by white people in drugs and food over and over again until the fear became hate and the dog was trained to attack them before they attack him. Just in case any of you wanted to know how it works. Unfortunately for Keys, White Dog is able to escape into the night during a thunderstorm and finds himself on the prowl again.

As the dog crosses the street he finds himself with fresh meat.

We get an extreme close-up of Mr. Jive Soul Bro over here before the dog gives vicious chase.

Unfortunately this man is not Kenyan nor is he on crack and therefore not a particularly fast runner. Much like Rodney King before him, (or since this is ‘82 is it after?) he is FUCKED. He tries to duck into a church but he is ultimately caught by White Dog.

The mauling is shown off-screen but we get a far-shot of Jesus with his hands outstretched on a stained glass window with a white dog before him, proving that Jesus wasn’t black after all but instead was a card-carrying-racist and He endorsed White Dogs. If that’s not proof enough, Jesus doesn’t come down and save this guy from getting mauled, does He? No, he does not, therefore we can also conclude this simple fact:

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Jesus voted for John McCain. How else can you explain John McCain not being dead yet, anyway?

HAHAHAHA. I’ll let this screenshot speak for itself.

Keys manages to track White Dog to the church and captures him, but refuses to finish him off, insisting that he can be trained, that they need to not report this to the cops, and that if they destroy him then it is a victory for the racists which leads to Ms. Badfashion yelling with authority the words “I WANT YOU TO SHOOT HIM NOW BEFORE HE KILLS MORE BLACKS.”

Ma’am. The correct term is “African-Americans” you fuckin’ racist.

Keys decides to try harder at rehabilitating the dog, refusing to falter, and trying more radical means of therapy including flashing the dog his man-titties.  It is sad Keys has bigger tits than the main woman in this film.

Maybe the dog just wants to see some titties because he begins to calm down, and tame. Keys brings in another black person to try to touch the dog and is relieved when the dog does not attack. Can it be? White Dog is cured? And is this same training the training used to make white women like black dick? Is this how black guys get the Kardashians to fuck them?

When the Kardashians do anal it’s like watching women take dumps in reverse.

Keys, despite being happy about the rehabilitation fears that anything might push White Dog to attack people again but Carruthers is far more optimistic. Still, Badfashion is called to pick up White Dog ahd she rushes to leave in her excitement when she is encountered by this kindly elderly fellow who kind of resembles every child molester cliché ever.

It doesn’t help that he has brought a box of chocolate his (alleged) grand-daughters with him, which looks like some sort of scary pedophile ho-train. He explains that they are the owners of White Dog, and that he escaped the trailer park (ha!) that they come from and they’d like him back. Badfashion asks if he is the one who trained White Dog and proudly says he trained White Dog to be “The BEST of the LOT.”

This leads to Badfashion snapping and trying to see how many times she can throw SONOFABITCH into a single scene, and she speeds off, almost running him down and insisting “the dog has been cured.”

White Dog and Badfashion have a touching reunion until he bares fangs once more.

This time White Dog viciously attacks Carruthers, a white elderly man not unlike the old white guy who traumatized White Dog in the first place - maybe this is because of Carruthers mistreating R2-D2.  Maybe it is karma.  Maybe Carruthers was just a dick who deserved to die and the dog noticed. Unfortunately we will never know the truth because this leads to Keys shooting White Dog and Badfashion in tears.

The movie ends abruptly and sadly with the moral being “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, (or racial tolerance).”  If this movie were filmed in more modern times at least they could stick in the Sarah McLachlan song to make us all feel like shit about ourselves. I think I was sadder to see White Dog go than I was Old Yeller because he was far, far more amusing. I might shed a few tears myself... However, White Dog will live forever in the annals of my World of Warcraft account, where I simply had to have one as a combat pet for my Hunter:

Don't worry.  It's not racist to have a White Dog in WoW since there are no black people in WoW.  If there is one thing that I can be assured about White Dog in all its ridiculousness and cheesiness as a film, it’s that unlike many other movies of the 1980s to be “tolerance-ized” to be black movies that there’s no way they can take the plot of this film and twist it around.

No, they’d much rather own Pit Bulls, train them to be vicious and have them attack EVERYONE in the real world.