Been a while since I wrote a blog, or really did ANYTHING other than the show here on the site. I really have just tucked my head into the sand, sat around and played videogames in my very limited spare time. The month of October has been a busy month for me because of the fact that I have so many birthdays of friends and family to put up with. My mother’s birthday was last week, my best friend’s birthday was yesterday, and my niece’s birthday falls directly on Halloween. When I’m not trying to get gifts, and do birthday-related things I have a lot of responsibilities at home and at work. And even then I feel like I haven’t done those to the best of my ability either. I feel like I’m dragging ass through life these days. I look at my motivation levels and the tank is on E and there are red lights flashing.
I thrive on positive energy but I wilt on routine unless that routine has a lot of enjoyable parts of it. I also draw on the energy of other people. Maybe that’s why I enjoy Asked so much; it feels often as if Asked is the only social thing I’m a part of anymore. People are busy, friends have things to do, even family says they’re there but really aren’t. When my father died if I had a dollar for every “if you ever need anything” I heard from people I’d be rich. Truth is I have too much pride to ask for help. And I really don’t like to be the one to start conversations. I believe if people WANT to talk to me, they will. The problem with that is I really thrive when I have positive energy coming from others. These days? I barely speak to anyone. I’m in my own head, which I can tell you is not a happy place. It’s a place of a lot of stress where I feel like I have too much that I want to do, even more that I need to do, and I just don’t have the sparks I need to get that accomplished.
Social life is non-existent, love-life is non-existent, and it feels like there’s always an insurmountable amount of shit to do. The problem on top of that is that anything I do leads to five things NOT being done. Like writing this blog. While I’m writing this blog, dishes aren’t being done, or calls aren’t being made. I’m horrible at multitasking because usually that leads to half-assing those things because you’re not giving them your full attention.
And people – man, people suck. I’m not even going to get into the “deal with it” bullshit I get from other people close to me, the same attitude that I NEVER give everyone else. The same attitude that if I gave everyone else there would be a huge problem. It annoys me that I’m expected to listen to everybody’s problems and in many cases even SOLVE their problems but nobody really reciprocates. It’d be nice if someone put some priority on me. I don’t need my ass kissed, or to be babied. I just need to feel cared for, and even wanted and desired in a lot of ways. Often I feel displaced. I’m a relic. I’m someone from a time period where people were mouthy, blunt, and opinionated, spoke their mind. Most people these days can’t deal with my way of thinking and don’t want to. It is as if nobody really understands what I’m saying.
Anyway, as a result of this mental turmoil and emotional isolation, I really haven’t had a lot of motivation to write because I feel like people just don’t really get it. There are topics, ideas, opinions, and all sorts of subjects but it’s very, very difficult to get any of that out because there’s no real wave of momentum for me to ride (or for that matter there’s no woman riding me but that’s a whole other story). Sure I could keep doing wrestling recaps but the reason I take a hiatus is because when I feel the way I currently feel in life, they become unbearable to do and just aren’t very good, not to mention sour my outlook on the product. I enjoy wrestling more when I don’t have to write about it but I can’t deny it’s a niche that has served me well in building sites over the years.
But the bottom line is when I’m not enjoying life, I tend to become very creatively stunted and I have to force myself to write, or do anything. And I’m not good at that because it just makes me NOT enjoy what I am doing. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Plus when the few projects I do feel like most of them get a lack of support it really puts a damper on it. People seem to enjoy the show but do people actually even READ anymore when I write an article? And my videogame streaming ideas seem to have been a huge failure. Apparently you have to be a social justice maniac like in this whole Gamergate BS these days (which by the way is stupid because everyone should just “shut the fuck up and play videogames” and enjoy the distraction from life they’re supposed to bring). I see we’re in an era where stupidity is put on a pedestal and even rewarded and I wonder if we’ll ever go back to the way where truly having something of substance other than lame videos where people in the ghetto shout “World Star!” matters anymore. I feel like my messages, my words, my articles, hell, my entire being, is pretty fucking cool. I just don’t feel like there’s an audience most of the time these days and I certainly don’t feel a whole lot of support.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just don’t see it. Maybe I’m still going through a dark time from my father’s passing this year. I’ll survive, I always DO survive. It’s one of my best qualities, but there is a difference between “surviving” and “living,” and I don’t feel that great most days. Still, I hang in there as best I can even though some days it’s difficult and even though most days I do that alone and in silence. Will it get better? I really don’t know. But I keep trying regardless.