Recap: WWE NXT (Jan. 8. 2014)

Let me get this NXT crap out of the way.  Sometimes it’s not bad, sometimes it is fun to rag on, whatever.  But I am in a rush because ever since I reviewed the 1994 classic Street Fighter the Movie I’ve had the overwhelming urge to play Street Fighter IV again.

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NXT opens up with Summer Rae and Sasha Banks.  Now that Kaitlyn is gone a lot of fans are hoping Emma and Paige get called up.  Since I’m a dick and want them to be disappointed I hope Sasha gets called up to spite them all.  I don’t even like Sasha Banks.  Her jewelry and makeup annoy me, and she somewhat resembles a meerkat.

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Meerkats might have slightly bigger breasts though.  I wonder what the hell happened to Charlotte joining this group but apparently she is out injured. I love how people with NXT just happen to acquire mysterious injuries out of nowhere.  Maybe they’ll all get fired like Hot Young Briley did and end up becoming Kincaid Banten 2, 3, and 4 and complaining about it.  Summer and Sasha, aka “The BFFS,” or “crappy Lay-Cool” have basically been bullying Bayley every week.

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Since WWE is somewhat low on baby-faces (Emma has been on and off injured too lately, and Paige doesn’t really count) they’ve taken to putting Natalya on episodes of NXT pretty regularly.  Bayley is pretty over with the Internet Wrestling fans mainly because her gimmick is being like all of them:  mentally retarded.  Unfortunately instead of being girls with big asses, most of them are fat sweaty boys with a lot of back hair who buy AJ Lee t-shirts and get made fun of by Krispin Wah on Twitter. 

The average male WWE Divas fan doesn't want to bang the Divas, they just want to BE a Diva. And that is sad.

The average male WWE Divas fan doesn't want to bang the Divas, they just want to BE a Diva. And that is sad.


Natalya watches a one-on-one match between Bayley and Summer.  I’m definitely banking on the fact due to her popularity that Bayley will be a future NXT Women’s champion.  I believe Summer has already surpassed this level being that she’s on the main roster every week with Fandango.  Most of this match sees Summer Rae in charge and I can definitely say Summer has stepped up her in ring game pretty well as she should since she is a main roster competitor now.  Bayley manages to pull out a victory out of near nowhere with the Bayley-To-Bayley Suplex (since she gives hugs anyway this actually makes sense as her finisher).  The BFFs make their retreat.

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Backstage Devin Taylor interviews the man who has single-handedly worn out the "Over 9000" joke from Dragon Ball Z: Xavier Woods and mentions he’s the newest member of the main roster.  Xavier Woods says he’ll take on whatever they have for him to do here on NXT tonight.

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I wish that Hunico and Camacho vs. the Ascension was a machete fight with the Mexicans winning decisively.  Can we book that?  Also Colin Cassady is taking on Aiden English in a match we knew would happen after the events that transpired in their sing-off last episode.

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Cassady vs. Aiden is up next and as I’ve said before at least they’re keeping Cassady useful in the absence of Enzo Amore, who (you guessed it) is out injured.  NXT sends more people home mutilated than Vietnam at this point.  In fact I think that’s a good idea; they should construct a Vietnam Memorial-style wall outside the WWE Performance Center that lists the names of people that “didn’t make it” like DT Porter, Lucky Cannon, Richie Steamboat. Bronson, etc.  Across from it can be a giant life-size statue of Bill DeMott you pray to when you want your back broken.  Aiden English gets the crap kicked out of him immediately upon ending his entrance bit.  Colin Cassady delivers knees and clubbing blows to the back and overpowers the smaller, skinnier, paler, balder Aiden English.  Aiden manages to turn it around for a bit and wear Cassady down.  Cassady plays up to the crowd to fight his way up.  Somehow Aiden manages to ultimately pull out the win with the Director’s Cut while the crowd chants for an encore performance.  Brief match. 

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Since the crowd really seems to want an encore Aiden English does not give us one.

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Why the hell does Adrian Neville look like his mother dressed him for the 1st day of school?  Aiden is interrupted by a phone call and looks up.  Either Tyler Breeze is prank calling Neville right in front of him, or masturbating in the corner. 

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With the furry cover on Tyler Breeze’s phone he needs to be careful.  He might mistake the phone for a hamster and stick it up his own ass for sexual pleasure.  Breeze says that he called him because when he speaks to Neville on the phone he does not have to look at his uggo face – I have to give Breeze a point on that, Neville is not a handsome jack, although he is a talented wrestler.  Breeze informs Neville he is sorry about his Bo Dallas loss (Breeze cost Neville the match).  During this argument, my friend Curtis, who does not watch wrestling often, catches a glimpse of Breeze and Neville arguing about the NXT title picture on my laptop, takes one look at what’s going on and says:

“Is that a thing on the left a guy or a girl?  A guy?  Seriously?  He must be a faggot or a hermaphrodite or something.”  

“Is that a thing on the left a guy or a girl?  A guy?  Seriously?  He must be a faggot or a hermaphrodite or something.”  

I didn’t make that up.  I didn’t put him up to it.  It’s a legitimate comment by a legitimate person who has better things to do with his life than watch the WWE 24/7.  Back to the promo, I didn’t understand most of it because it involved Neville talking and his accent is so heavy I need subtitles to figure out what he was saying.  As he storms off, Breeze says something about Mother Nature forgetting to make Neville good looking.  Well apparently Mother Nature forgot to give Tyler Breeze the testosterone levels of an actual man.

The type of guy that lowered his cholesterol today. and drives hybrid cars. Be proud of him.

The type of guy that lowered his cholesterol today. and drives hybrid cars. Be proud of him.

Xavier Woods heads out to the ring to fight a mystery opponent so the Director of Operations Kane makes his way out here, probably to speak protocol or whatever the hell he does.  Kane speaks some rhetoric and reminds us that Xavier Woods helped get the Big Show reinstated in the WWE and the Authority has not forgotten about that and has waited for the appropriate time to punish Woods so now he has to wrestle Alexander Rusev (which is punishment to us all).

PLOP.

PLOP.

Time to take a dump.  Rusev wins with the Camel Clutch/Accolade/Whatever. I don’t care. We follow that up with an interview with Kofi Kingston about losing last week. 

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KOFI IS ALWAYS HAPPY TO JOB TO YOU!  He’s so happy to job to you in fact, he challenges Rusev to a rematch and will probably job a second time!

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SOS. I HEAR DEM JOBBIN’!

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We’ve seen so little of Tyson Kidd these days I thought he was still at home with a knee injury.  I miss Tyson’s generic “jobber theme” as it was strangely catchy.  Now he has legitimate entrance music, hair, new tights, and yet we still barely see the guy on television which is a shame.  He’d be a great fit for any mid-card title picture.

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His opponent is Baron Cornhole. Corncobb.  Cornporn.  Cornbeef.  Corbin.  Whatever.  Baron Corbin is a bum.  And he’s sensitive.  Then again most professional wrestlers are and get butt-hurt when the “common” people jokingly insult them and take it seriously.  Its like “dude you work in a company that employs a midget and tells people to call him a leprechaun,” it’s not SERIOUS BUSINESS that I make jokes about how stupid your NXT name is.  For some reason Alex Riley keeps saying Tyson Kidd reminds him of Eddie Guerrero now.  The crowd is dead quiet for this.  Tyson can make people look good in the ring – hell, his feud with Curtis Axel on NXT was a clinic… but he’s not a miracle worker.  Not one person gives a rat’s ass about Baron Corbin.  Rather than pay attention to this Baron Corbin match, I decided to focus on the commentary where I heard the following lies:

1)      Baron Corbin is in great shape.

2)      Baron Corbin has a bright future in the WWE.

3)      Baron Corbin has been impressive in this match.

4)      Baron Corbin had a good football career therefore he should be well suited to a good wrestling career.

Tyson gets the win and life goes on.  Sadly Baron Corbin is still employed.

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I admit I pop for the fact Hunico and Camacho have brought back the low-rider bicycles.  This is the biggest thing to happen on this episode of NXT.  Although I wish they didn't now have two separate bikes because it was funnier when Camacho would ride the bike to the ring while carrying Hunico on his shoulders.  I can’t help but laugh that Hunico now wears a thermal sweatshirt in the ring to try to cover up the fact he is ALSO Sin Cara.

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The Ascension’s entrance gets less and less impressive every time you see it.  It’s not like these guys are the Brood or the Undertaker.  The lights just turn blue and flash a bit while they come out here dressed like rejected Mortal Kombat characters.  Now that they spell their names Konnor and Viktor it doesn’t help their case (Mortal Kombat is well known for replacing Cs with Ks anywhere applicable).  As I said before I wish this was a match inside an actual tornado with Hunico and Camacho armed with machetes involving the decapitation of the Mortal Kombat characters, the NXT Tag Title Victory for the Mexicans and a wonderful day for Latin America… and the world.   Eventually the Ascension manages to isolate Hunico after uppercutting Camacho while he was in the middle of a suicide dive. 

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They hit the Fall of Man and get the win.  We close NXT with the silly blue lights and the realization Konnor has been in developmental almost a decade.  Glad that’s over.  Time to get on with my life and hopefully a few other articles on this site.